RedEyedWarrior

NB: For the purposes of this comment, I’m addressing the author of this page, Stephen Donnan-Dalzell, and not OP. This comment had to be split in two, so enjoy.

OPINION: Being A Non-Binary Bear In A Toxic Masculine Space

Correction: being an attention whore in a space that was intended for grown men, when you try to pretend that you’re not a man.

We talk a lot about the issue of toxic masculinity in the bear community,

We talk too much about toxic masculinity. There is toxicity in the gay male community, but it’s people like you, Stephen, who are the worst offenders of it.

about how the expectations of that word — “bear” — can both liberate us, and expose the tender scars of our own self image.

You don’t have to call yourself a bear. Even if you are masculine, which you’re not.

We associate it with hairy bellied, muscled bodies moving toplessly on the dancefloor as RuPaul deafens us.

Wait, do bears listen to RuPaul? I guess I’m one of the few gay men who don’t like him. But no Stephen, you associate bears with these stereotypes, not us.

We expect male, we expect confidence, we expect masculinity.

That’s the point of being a bear.

But what about those of us who don’t exhibit many, or any, of those attributes?

Then you’re not a bear. Again, you don’t have to be a bear to be gay.

What if masculine isn’t who we are, and what if our gender markers set us apart from “men only” spaces like bear nights and “MASC4MASC” pressures?

Then have your own spaces, Stephen. Nobody’s stopping you.

We’ve all been there — standing in the bar on bear night whenever a femme twink walks in.

Yeah, that twink is a guest in spaces meant for bears. He’s welcome as long as he’s respectful. Which you aren't.

You’ve seen the looks from the usual patrons, in their baseball caps and Captain America t-shirts, chugging their manly beers. No cocktails or wines to be seen.

Stereotyping, much, Stephen? Why do you associate masculinity with beer, superheroes and a hat? Even effeminate men can be interested in those things.

You’ve seen the rolled eyes, the unimpressed looks on the faces of the bearded dad bods as though something alien and intrusive has invaded their space.

I haven’t seen those things, but so what if they happen? Freedom of association. Bears have a right to have spaces exclusively for themselves, just like twinks and other kinds of gays have a right to have spaces exclusively for them.

The same looks that they themselves get whenever they may walk into a sports bar or ‘straight’ club — that they don’t belong there and must be dealt with.

By "they", do you mean bears? Because I’m pretty sure we don’t get these looks at sports bars or "straight" bars. If you were referring to twinks, I’m pretty sure that twinks are welcome in those places. And if they do get looks, it would probably because it’s unusual for a twink to be in those places, but most people wouldn’t mind as long as the twinks don’t try to change the culture of these places.

The air of negativity, of hostility and the contempt between the otherwise joyous revellers as they are faced with the reminder of what the rest of the world might think of them, too.

Are we supposed to let twinks and NBs boss us around just because homophobes were mean to us? No, we have enough problems with homophobes besides non-binary gender weirdos making our lives miserable. Leave us alone.

That pervading masculinity washes through the air like a stink bomb, turning noses up and making lips curl. I know you’ve seen it, I know you’ve done it — I have, too.

I get it, you have a problem with masculinity. But masculinity is what a lot of gay men are attracted to, and so many gay men are naturally masculine. If you don’t like it, then leave us alone. And the fact that you have compared gay male masculinity to a stinkbomb illustrates your homophobia and entitlement.

I’m a non-binary person and I use they/them pronouns. But I very much consider myself to be a bear, in the most traditional and basic sense. I am attracted to heavier men, or those who present as male.

If you identify as non-binary, then maybe those spaces that you bitch and moan about aren’t for you. If you want us to respect your delusions and treat you as if you’re not a man, then you should respect our wishes to have our gay male spaces be for gay men and leave us alone.

My husband is the typical representation of a bear — hairy chested, full bellied, bearded, tall, etc. He has no problem fitting into the spaces that our community occupies and carves out for itself.

Oh look! A bear who is willing to put up with your bullshit.

But I have seen first hand how “men only” nights are exclusionary for all the wrong reasons, and the damage that it can do.

No, there is no damage being done, except by people like you, Stephen. "Men only" nights are exclusionary by design. If you are a biological male, you can take part in those events if you’d just stop pretending to be something that you’re not. Regardless, gay men have a right to have spaces for ourselves, and if this bothers you, just piss off.

I present as quite femme, despite having a beard, and a belly, and hair.

So, you’re not a bear.

I love wearing earrings, I love wearing flamboyant clothes with radical queer slogans on them. I love wearing highlighter on my cheeks and letting my wrist hang limp as I swish about the dancefloor like a fairy.

Maybe this is why you get these looks when you’re at bears' spaces. Maybe bears are put off by your behaviour and your mannerisms. Society always preaches about "being yourself", but when you are in a space that is not meant for you, you’re a guest, and you should be respectful of the people this space was made for.

I’ve been told before that I’m too femme,

Well, you are femme. Not that there is anything wrong with it, but different gay men have different tastes, and different spaces have different rules.

that I’m not a “man’s man”. Well fellas, that’s because I don’t consider myself a man at all.

In that case, you don’t belong in gay men’s spaces. Because gay men’s spaces are meant for men.

My gender identity is a rejection of the toxicity of masculinity within the queer community, and a useful marker for me to identify with.

If you don’t like it, then stop trying to participate in it. But no. You’d rather storm into spaces that were not meant for you and demand that those spaces cater to you, because you are an entitled, narcissistic attention whore who only cares about himself.

My gender exists in the space between male and female, both outside of those two definitions and yet entwined within both somehow.

No, you’re male.

When I tell guys that I’m non-binary they can look at me like a dog that’s heard an unfamiliar noise. “But you dress like a man / But you have a beard”, etc. Non-binary people don’t owe you androgyny, and there is no definition of what a non-binary bear should look like, yet here I am.

Of course they’re gonna look at you like a dog, because you’re acting like a mental patient.

Yet, I still find it difficult to have those conversations within predominantly male spaces, because within that masculinity there is the notion that something slightly different could upset the balance and allow an undercurrent of queerness into those spaces.

The reason for that is because we don’t want people like you taking over our spaces and making us feel unwelcome in our own spaces.

Queerness is nothing to be confronted or avoided within the bear community.

If by "queer" you mean behaving like you, then yeah, it’s natural that bears want to avoid it or confront it.

Recognising my gender identity has helped me to be more comfortable and accepting of the body I inhabit and I have learned to love it.

Cool. Now leave us alone.

The toxic masculinity that was instilled in me was a corrosive element that only furthered my own self-doubt and the hatred of my own skin and bones.

If you don’t want to be masculine, then that’s fine. But don’t shame other men for being masculine. And especially don’t shame other gay men for being masculine. But you do that anyway, because you’re an asshole.

Allowing myself to live unapologetically as a non-binary person, within the bear community, has helped me to understand that we as a community are far too constrained by society’s definition of what is an acceptable body type.

And us bears will live unapologetically as masculine gay men. But you don’t like it, because you want us all to be as miserable as you.

Us bears are guilty of that shame, too.

First of all, Stephen, you’re not a bear. Second of all, bears are not guilty of anything. The only thing we’ve done wrong was tolerating people like you.