I was being treated for body dysmorphic disorder and I couldn't make sense of the "differences" between trans dysphoria and what I was dealing with. Some people tried to recruit me, but it never really stuck because my focus areas and obsessions were mostly unisex. I really did try to make sense of it. I read everything I could and talked to trans people. I thought it would make me a good and educated person but deep down, I was terrified that if these people were really men and women, it meant that my constant churning thoughts were real too and I was really hideously deformed. My skepticism grew and broke over when a particular person tried to tell me that people with BDD can basically get whatever surgery they want to feel better and only poor suffering trans people have to deal with doctors and their fussy gatekeeping. Every part of that claim was a lie, and I knew it. This was at the time of peak popularity for born again national embarassment Bruce Jenner; he'd been out for a while and swiped woman of the year, but his unwoke conservative opinions hadn't blown up on tumblr and twitter yet.