all 53 comments

[–]CaptainMooseEx-Bathhouse Employee 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (10 children)

  1. I would say it was a negative experience being gay in high school (2007-2011). While I didn't experience homophobic abuse everyday, there were some incidents that majorly impacted how I interacted with my classmates, how safe I felt in that building, and how I felt about the trustworthiness of the adults in my life. The biggest one was that, on a class trip in 2009, I was sexually assaulted out of the closet. Several of my classmates in the specialized program I was in dared a girl to give me a lap dance and the violation I felt caused me to come out in the heat of the moment. They then tried to play it off like they didn't know I was gay (trauma bonding; gaslighting), but one of them told me the next day that they had known since we were in the 8th grade. Shortly after the assault, I went through another traumatic experience at the hands of two more classmates and one of the girls involved in the dare thought my coming out was a good opportunity to talk about how she was the victim after sexually assaulting my crush (a closeted gay man) because he yelled at her.

  2. I feel like I missed out on more because of having an overbearing, boundary crossing mother. I think if I were straight, I would be like my one friend's ex-boyfriend (his mother was the one who talked her into dating him despite him having no interest in her, they ended up having a several years long relationship he couldn't break up from because mommy dearest was a psycho). I think in high school I would have had more real friends if I were straight (instead of being pushed and groomed into fulfilling the GBF sexpert role and being treated like shit every time I deviated from that by being my own person).

  3. There are definitely things I've experienced because of my sexual orientation that I would not have experienced if I were a straight man (or would have experienced differently if I were a bisexual man). It's made me hyperaware of female predators (hence one of the reasons why I rally against trans-identified women in gay men's spaces), made me selective about who I'm friends with, and made me into a much more guarded person overall.

  4. I feel that it's important for gay kids to have other gay friends, not just other gay kids in their life who are romantic prospects. A big part of why I founded the GSA in my high school was so that we could have a comfortable place to discuss experiences we had among our peers or at home because of our non-heterosexual sexual orientations that we may not have felt comfortable disclosing in front of our straight peers, however the first person to join was the girl who sexually assaulted my crush so out the door went that possibility. I think it's important to have someone similar enough to you that you can cross-reference your experiences with, even among other friends, so you know you aren't going crazy when you reflect on your interpersonal interactions. I don't think it's healthy for a gay teenager/young adult to be in a friend group that is made up exclusively of straight women because (in my experience) they will shatter your self-esteem and act like you are the bad friend for not living up to whatever Will & Grace fantasy they had in mind.

[–]DrMantisToboggan 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

You bring up some interesting points vis-à-vis the complicated relationships many gay men have with straight women. Although I graduated high school in the early aughts and was closeted the entire time, which made for a miserable experience. Once I went on to college and fell into the GBF trope with different straight women, it took many years to realize how demeaning, demoralizing and toxic these friendships were. I was also a victim of sexual assault at the hands of one of my self-proclaimed fag hags. It wasn't until my mid twenties that I formed much more meaningful friendships with other gay men and even several lesbians.

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

That's interesting. I honestly had no idea straight women could be so toxic to gay men or that it was that common. That's why it's so bs when people claim that only men are evil and women are these perfect princesses who harm no one. If I hear one sentence or other or both from someone, I won't hang out with that person.

[–]lovelyspearmintLesbeing a lesbian 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

There's a reason why fag hag exists as a term. Straight women can be extremely predatory towards gay men, and it's difficult to get rid of them simply because men aren't believed/are ridiculed when they say women are harassing them.

[–]RedEyedWarriorGay | Male | 🇮🇪 Irish 🇮🇪 | Antineoliberal | Cocks are Compulsory 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Sorry about your experience with the girl who gave you the lap dance. And yes, this is why I prefer to hang out with straight guys over straight women, because I refuse to be that Will and Grace stereotype. Thankfully, most of the women at my college didn’t care that I was gay, so I hung out with women as often as I hung out with men.

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you so much for sharing your story and having the bravery to share such horrible incidents that happened to you! <3 I'm so sorry about that your boundaries and dignity as a human weren't respect by your peers and I truly hope youre at an amazing place right now. One of the things I related the most about your answers were point 3. It happened the exact same with me and that's how I feel too (except it is the lesbian version and not gay man version lmao). Take care!

[–]MarkJeffersonTight defenses and we draw the line 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

A big part of why I founded the GSA in my high school was so that we could have a comfortable place to discuss experiences we had among our peers or at home because of our non-heterosexual sexual orientations that we may not have felt comfortable disclosing in front of our straight peers, however the first person to join was the girl who sexually assaulted my crush so out the door went that possibility.

Damn, that's so creepy. She's was clearly seeking more opportunities to prey on gay guys and then act the victim again once it went sideways. I wouldn't be too surprised if she became of those gaydens who transed later on for the same reason.

[–]CaptainMooseEx-Bathhouse Employee 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

It's been ten years. He graduated before us, so I honestly think she thought she was just being a good person. She also didn't apologize to him until she saw that I had reached out to him after he came out. She's still a woman, is engaged, and got everyone she knows to contribute to a GoFundMe so she could go to the States for grad school while he couldn't even raise enough for vet bills.

[–]strawberrycake 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Wow, we have similar experiences. Similar graduation time, overbearing/abusive mother, and sexually assaulted by straight women (and one who later transitioned to a “gay guy”). I remember at that time there was a lot of straight people throwing around f-slurs and calling everything gay. That took a toll on my mental health since I heard it literally everyday. Did you have a similar experience? Also at my school there were only a handful of openly gay guys. There were more bisexual/lesbian girls who mostly settled down with men later in life.

[–]CaptainMooseEx-Bathhouse Employee 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I didn't hear many people call things gay or drop slurs in my presence, but based on what happened to the young lesbian I mentored in my first semester of my final year of high school (she got gay bashed in the locker rooms), most of the violent, overt homophobia was directed at lesbians while gay men dealt with more covert types of homophobia as well as sexual assault from "allies."

As for the out bisexual/lesbian girls from my school, yeah, I noticed that trend too where they all ended up with men. I'm not surprised about the ones who said they were bisexual because at least they were honest about their opposite-sex attraction. The girl who came out as a "lesbian" while at university and then slinked back to being with men irks me because we were friends, she did try and groom me into fitting that GBF role, and then she deleted me off Facebook when she went back to riding dick. All of us who were out as gay/bi men seem to remain out.

[–]strawberrycake 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Hmm… I went to school in the Midwestern US so maybe it was more regional.

[–]book_hoarder 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

1.Would you consider that your experience was positive or negative overall? Why?

I would say it was pretty neutral, though skewing slightly more towards negative. I wasn't really bullied for my sexual orientation, but I learned pretty quickly that people were dismissive of it/didn't believe it was real/thought it was a phase. That, compounded with the fact that I was still very religious and trying to reconcile my sexuality with my spirituality made things very difficult. I was plagued by a lot of shame and self-doubt. I was conflicted by whether to embrace my sexuality or reject it. I basically had to overhaul my entire worldview because, to avoid self-destructing, I had to completely do away with my religion which had been a major source of meaning in my life up until then.

Do you feel like you missed out on certain things because you were gay or bi? If so, which things? (ex: dating, lack of friends because of bullying/not being able to relate/etc etc)

It definitely alienated me somewhat from my family, who are still very religious. While they didn't reject me for my sexuality, they struggled (and still struggle) to understand why it drove me away from the Church. They seem to think that I should just "ignore" all the anti-gay shit and keep practicing the way they do. They can't understand why this is impossible for me or why it opens up old wounds every time I've tried.

Dating was another thing I missed out on. There were literally no other lesbians at my school. The only relationship I had was long-distance, and I only got to see my girlfriend every couple months. I didn't have a real relationship until I was 21.

How do you feel being gay/bi has impacted you as a person? (On a positive side for example, do you feel you became a more open minded and non judgemental person? On a negativa side, do you feel you became a more anxious person? Etc etc)

I think it kind of forced me to start thinking for myself. Before I realized I was a lesbian, I had a tendency to simply believe anything my parents or religion told me to believe. It was safe and easy and I never had any reason to question it. Coming to terms with my sexuality called all of that into question. It helped me develop critical thinking skills, learn how to argue, learn how to question things I simply took for granted. Spiritually, it helped me to move away from a dualistic view of the universe, literal interpretation of religious symbols and concepts, and religious dogma in general. It is part of the reason why I am so skeptical of modern "woke" rhetoric. So much of the language they use sounds like the dogma I grew up with.

On the negative side, sometimes I do feel like things would be simpler if I was heterosexual. It would be easier to have a clearly defined "role" without having to make everything up as I go along. I wouldn't have to justify my choice of partner to society and the world at large, or worry about society "changing its mind" about my right to that partner. Having children would be much easier and would offer a source of purpose. People wouldn't debate over the "morality" of my sexual orientation. Most world religions would accept my marriage as legitimate.

Do you feel like it's important for you to have other gay friends or is it indifferent

Not really. I don't feel like I connect with gay individuals any more significantly than I connect with straight individuals. Some people I get along with better than others and their sexual orientation never really plays into that.

[–]Elvira95Viva la figa 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I feel like the lack of role is like the best part of being homo and I totally refuse any kind of relationship that resembles gender roles or any kind of power play. Totally against it. There is a kind of freedom of expression that you can have dating same sex that you can hardly have in a normal hetero relationship.At the same time, the extreme minority making dating way harder, sense of isolation from an hetero dominating culture, it's really bad. I think that doesn't matter if society change, you're always being an extreme minority and that is a struggle

[–]book_hoarder 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I can definitely appreciate the freedom of not being assigned a particular "role," especially now that I'm older. But what I meant is more that the world often looks at homosexuals as being socially extraneous. Unnecessary. That kind of view puts us in a particularly vulnerable position, and burdens us with the added responsibility of "proving our worth" or our "usefulness" to society at large. Or at least, that's how it feels to me, as someone who tends to look at everything in existential terms, lol. For as much as I enjoy freedom, it feels kind of empty to me if I don't have a sense of purpose as well.

But maybe that's the point. Maybe not having a "set role" means that we have more of an opportunity to self-actualize and find purpose beyond mere conformity.

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your answer! <3 I can say I relate about 95% to your story, I'm amazed at how many things and feelings i had to go through which were very similar to yours. The only part I couldn't relate was the fact of having gay friends not being relevant to you, but I definitely agree with you on the fact that sexual orientation shouldn't be the main or the only factor into friendship. Take care! <3

[–]Destresse🇨🇵 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Well, I didn't even know I was a lesbian when I was in high school so my answers aren't going to be from the pov of an out person.

Would you consider that your experience was positive or negative overall? Why?

Negative, because my inability to know who I am made me extremely fake and awkward with people. I spent more time daydreaming about befriending certain people than actually interacting. Lol

Do you feel like you missed out on certain things because you were gay or bi? If so, which things?

Indirectly, maybe. Like I said I didn't know who I was so that limited my enjoyment of life very much. I wish I could say that if I were straight or bi I'd have had some teenage romances but, honestly... I doubt. 😂

How do you feel being gay/bi has impacted you as a person?

Well. Realising I'm a lesbian had a very positive impact: I finally truly did find myself, pieces were put together, I put my life in order, and I now have goals and desires and am generally happy to be alive. Negative impact: uh... It made me so anxious and distressed I called the emergency number because I thought I was having a heart attack. Lol yes. I'm embarrassed. I remember the sigh of the lady on the other end telling me "this is just anxiety, ma'am." 😳

Do you feel like it's important for you to have other gay friends or is it indifferent?

Yes. My childhood friend is gay, and growing up together was. Hm. I don't know what word to use. I feel very lucky, that's all. The chances of this happening are very slim, so I'm glad this chance fell upon me. We have been calling each other brother/sister since middle school lol

I need to befriend other lesbians though, because that helps immensely with the self-acceptance. Dating does too. But neither are my area of expertise sadly 🤣

In summary, I think my personality screwed me over way more than my sexual orientation as a teenager. But did it play a role? Was I so lost because I was in denial and couldn't accept myself or was I in denial because I was lost? Hard to say.

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Thank you for sharing your story!! <3 your story is very interesting, a perspective from someone who was unaware of it practically during all of your teenage years. And I'm so sorry you felt so anxious, I'm also kind of introvert person and sometimes I also feel kinda anxious and it sucks, I cant even imagine someone who reaaaally struggles a lot with it. Best wishesl

[–]Destresse🇨🇵 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thanks for the sweet words!

I didn't want to give the impression I struggle a lot with anxiety though haha. Even though I had huge spikes like these for ~ a year, it went away as my life stabilised. Now anxiety is rare, basic stress is more regular.

... Just to say there's hope for everyone I suppose lol

[–]RedEyedWarriorGay | Male | 🇮🇪 Irish 🇮🇪 | Antineoliberal | Cocks are Compulsory 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (7 children)

I didn’t fully come to terms with my homosexuality until was a few weeks into college, and it took years before I was comfortable coming out to other people, but when I was in secondary school I was in and out of the closet. Some days I’d say I find men attractive, other days I’d deny ever saying such things. This was mostly because I was confused and wasn’t sure if I liked males, but also because sometimes I was frightened by the thought of being gay.

Would you consider that your experience was positive or negative overall? Why?

Positive, I guess? If I had the balls to come out as gay at 15 or 16 and owned it I suppose most of the school would have had my back. People made jokes, but they mostly made jokes about me being a closet case. But here’s the thing about Irish secondary schools back then: you got made fun of for whatever reason, and there was no sacred cow. Everyone was made fun of, and if you took it in stride or gave back as much as you got, you’d make friends. Even if I was straight they would have slagged me over something else. When I learned how to take a joke and laughed at myself, the other kids started to like me. My guess is that most of the other kids knew I was gay, but understood I was struggling with it and never confronted me over it.

Do you feel like you missed out on certain things because you were gay or bi? If so, which things? (ex: dating, lack of friends because of bullying/not being able to relate/etc etc)

I’ve never been on any date in secondary school, simply because there was no openly gay kid in my school. I’ve had friends but I did struggle to socialise with the other kids because I’m an introvert. Me being the possibly gay kid in class didn’t have an effect on my ability to socialise.

How do you feel being gay/bi has impacted you as a person? (On a positive side for example, do you feel you became a more open minded and non judgemental person? On a negativa side, do you feel you became a more anxious person? Etc etc)

On a positive note, my homosexuality is still a conversation starter. On a negative note, people expect me to be a liberal who is empathetic to liberal or socialist causes, and I completely resent it. You’d think that me being gay would make me more open minded and less judgemental, but no. I'm pro-death penalty, I’m anti-immigration, I want to drop the T and I want to pull Ireland out of the EU and the UN. I used to be a bleeding heart liberal, but the events beginning in 2015 have caused me to wake up. My straight best friend is the only person who I’m completely honest with with regards to my political views, because he shares 90% of my views and on the rest we agree to disagree. And no, I’m not conservative or right wing, I’m more of an anybody-killer, like Barricade Garage.

Do you feel like it's important for you to have other gay friends or is it indifferent?

It would be nice to have another gay friend, but it’s not necessary. My best friend who is straight is the only friend I need. And I have friends from karate classes who I haven’t seen in a while but them being gay is unimportant to me. But I would like a boyfriend, but it’s not essential.

[–]Elvira95Viva la figa 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

I'm against death penalty because I think being locked up for life is worst. Although in Italy there is no such a thing as jail for life. Except if you're like Totò Riina ahah. I see american getting multiple life sentences and always awww ahah I'm anti-immigration too. Or like, I'm pro good immigration, but the entire country of Africa coming to Italy isn't good immigration. Although I kinda get why they would live their country. Like I was born in one of the best country in the world and still want to live abroad, and these people are born in super poor countries, they just want a better life, but we cannot fucking welcome the world, it would be like a racial and cultura replacement. People should be helped where they are. It's nice to see boyfriend as not essential. The fact is we cannot control relationships. They're strong preferance, but not a necessity for a content/worthy life. Happiness comes from being good by yourself. I realize that making your life depends on other people will end always badly. Stoicism has made me understand that accepting the possibility of staying alone is the only way to reach peace. Your comments are always my favorite by the way.

[–]RedEyedWarriorGay | Male | 🇮🇪 Irish 🇮🇪 | Antineoliberal | Cocks are Compulsory 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

I’m glad you like my comments. I like your perspective on things. I’m fine with a small amount of immigrants but Irish people should make up at least 93% of Ireland’s population. I’d like for Ireland to remain Irish. And the best way to help people coming from bad countries is to help them to help themselves. And stop invading their countries. We have so many refugees from Syria, Iraq, Afghanistan and Libya coming into Europe because western governments were invading and bombing their countries.

And yes, I don’t need a boyfriend. It would be nice to have one though, but it’s necessary to love yourself and be comfortable with yourself before getting into a relationship with someone.

[–]Elvira95Viva la figa 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Exactly. I mean isn't even about race. Skin color doesn't matter (although USA kind shows multi-racial societes are a failure, even after many years they still got a lot of tension between black and white and they got the same fucking culture, the same as south italians and north italians hating each others and we're the same race and country, people are more comfortable with similar people by nature and different population struggle to live together) but culture does. People coming from African countries, especially muslim got a totally different culture than italian and totally not compatible with us. If you put masses of people from these countries or give citizenship to anyone being born here, the country would ended being something else. Not real Italy anymore. It seems like left-fanatics want to replace european culture with third world one. It's scary. I agree about loving yourself first. I do crave a relationship, but not any relationship like people who can't stay alone and will stay in a relationship for the sake of it. I kind try to prepare myself for the possibility of a lifetime alone if I won't be lucky to get the right woman. It's hard, but I'm totally against seeing a relationship as a necessity rather than something which is good only with real mutual feelings and compatibility.

[–]RedEyedWarriorGay | Male | 🇮🇪 Irish 🇮🇪 | Antineoliberal | Cocks are Compulsory 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Leftist fanatics who support open borders and mass immigration do want to replace European culture. That, or their stupid enough to think these migrants want to assimilate into the culture. Most migrants come to Europe for social welfare payments, which is why they look towards Ireland, the UK, Sweden and Germany. It’s easy money and they don’t have to work. The rest of the migrants are seeking asylum, but they want to go back to their countries eventually. And those that come to Europe because they love European culture are rare, and they’re gonna leave if European culture disappears. But it’s not just left wing fanatics who support mass immigration into Europe: neoliberals and neoconservatives support it as well, because it destroys communities and it leaves people dependent on the government and on corporations. The Italians and the British are beginning to realise the importance of keeping cultures separate in order to protect them, but the Irish people are sadly not awake yet. But some of us have woken up.

It could be a long time before I’ve settled down with another man. He has to be compatible and independent, and the relationship has to be mutually beneficial for us.

[–]Elvira95Viva la figa 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

They're stupid to think they will integrate. A survey say 50 percent of muslims in Uk want gay sex illegal. You can't expect people to integrate to a culture totally opposite to their religion. USA muslims are way more progressive, because they're far less and come based on skillsets. If masses of muslim immigrants come together, they will by themselves like they were in Pakistan, and never integrate in the culture. They're supporting culture that would destroy all gain in the terms of women, gays right and general freedom of people. I like independence to. It's fundamental to respect personal space and time.

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Thank you for sharing your story and views! <3 the way you handled your homosexuality during secondary school was somehow similar too. I would "swing" between having brave days, where I would come out fearlessly and just wanted to be happy and didn't care about others, and coward days too where I suddenly panicked and didn't want anyone else to find out because I even felt it was a flaw/abnormality I had in me. It was a long slow process to fully accept my homosexuality and I'm still not 100% there. Lovely to read your story. Take care!

[–]RedEyedWarriorGay | Male | 🇮🇪 Irish 🇮🇪 | Antineoliberal | Cocks are Compulsory 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thanks. Glad I’m not the only one who has experienced this. Take care as well.

[–]TumbleweedFireflies🍷 your ol' drunk mod 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Bisexual female here. Known I'm bi since I was a young teen, 11 or 12, somewhere around there. Didn't officially come out until my early 20s though.

Would you consider that your experience was positive or negative overall? Why?

I didn't experience negativity myself. There were no bisexuals who were out, that wasn't really an acknowledged sexuality then. But it FELT negative because even though I was a piece of shit kid when I was young, I did still have some sense of empathy. There was rampant homophobia against gay men and lesbians (perceived or otherwise), but mostly gay men since it was the 80s/90s and the AIDS crisis was in full bloom. I didn't experience anything personally because I wasn't out, and I didn't know of anyone else who was out. But rumors and gossip were everywhere, and there was a culture of fear and puritanical conservatism towards anyone who might possibly not be hetero.

Do you feel like you missed out on certain things because you were gay or bi? If so, which things? (ex: dating, lack of friends because of bullying/not being able to relate/etc etc)

I suppose I missed out on female-curious girls allowing me space to explore my own sexuality? Although I don't necessarily think being bi had anything to do with that, I think it's more a matter of my upbringing. My family was oppressive and controlling, and violated boundaries any chance they got. There wasn't really room for being an individual.

How do you feel being gay/bi has impacted you as a person? (On a positive side for example, do you feel you became a more open minded and non judgemental person? On a negative side, do you feel you became a more anxious person? Etc etc)

I've been anxious and depressed most of my life, long before I knew about sex or sexuality. I think as I've grown, I've become more open-minded about identity and exploration and growth - sexual, spiritual, mental, emotional, etc. I'm a judgemental person, don't get me wrong. I will critique other people I come across, and more than likely make snap judgments that aren't fair. But I won't be an executioner or burn you at the stake for having different opinions than me, I want to hear them, and I will examine my own perceptions and feelings and try to find a middle/common ground. I believe we all have room to learn, including myself.


If someone else makes LGB a big deal in an inappropriate place and disrupts the peace because their feelings and opinions must reign supreme. I'm over here just trying to live my life and find a slice of happiness, and it's really disruptive to have agendas, even those of LGB, shoved in my face. I'm talking about things like having Sunday brunch, walking down the street with my dog, grabbing groceries, those sort of things. Our sexuality doesn't matter and shouldn't be an issue unless we're being prevented from participating in normal everyday life because of it. There most certainly is a time and place to protest, but hurt feelings and/or non-acceptance from randos is not discrimination, that's just life.

I don't think I would have that view if I weren't a part of LGB. I don't think I would have even considered the nuances at all.

Do you feel like it's important for you to have other gay friends or is it indifferent?

After I came out, it was very important because it helped me feel a sense of normalcy and community. After a while though, it didn't matter at all. Sexual orientation doesn't mean or change anything in day-to-day life. Every person loves who we love and we fuck who we fuck, so I'm indifferent.

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Thank you for sharing your story, dear mod! <3 Bi representation here, I think it's the only one so far! Let's see if more bi people will join!! :) I'm sorry for all the bad things you went through, and happy for the things which made you grow! Take care.

[–]TumbleweedFireflies🍷 your ol' drunk mod 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you <3

[–]Elvira95Viva la figa 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (7 children)

I was dating a girl for most of the time when I was a teen. It was nice being in love I'm always been anxious, it's kinda of my personality/disorder ahah Homosexuality adds to it, I think about the small dating poll and the much lower possibility of finding happy relationship and it depressed me. Also, how women are just more complicated/demanding then men. Eh, gay friends would be nice, but I don't think they're necessary. In the future, I will try lesbian meetup and trying to learn more of that world. I think I would like a butch lesbian friend or feminine gay male friend very much. With a feminine cute one I get along with there would be a risk of getting in love, I would avoid it if possible. Also, don't you see how sexuality can influence friendship too? Like you can have problem having female friends, risking to get in love with them? Homosexuality can be isolating in that aspect too. Yeah, homosexuality doesn't help anxiety.I think you should have friends based on personality/ intesest not orientation. Homosexuality is though isolating experience. I really don't think the worst part of being homo is homophobia today, but really being so abnormal. Like I'm abnormal in different ways, but sexuality is just one of them. But I kinda envy people who fit in perfectly and live as majority, sometimes.Women are great to date though, sexually and emotionally, which kinda make up the struggle a bit, I guess. I'm also a reserve process in terms of accepting my sexuality. Like in the past I didnt thing anything bad of being homosexual. While now, getting older, I'm starting to see the negative/depressing aspect and kinda being more sad about it/wishing I was bi.

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Thank you for sharing you story! <3 you definitely touched an important point!! Homosexuality does influence my friendships and I'm very careful not catch feelings for straight girls in particular. Something that obviously would not happen if I was straight. Despite my efforts, I still have a crush on a straight friend rip 🤣 and yes, that part is very isolating and something that straights, due to their giant dating pool, don't even think about. I have the same opinion as you regarding gay friends. I would like to have gay friends, but ones that I was not attracted to so it can be any gay man (preferably a feminine one as well) and a butch lesbian or simply a lesbian I was personally not attracted to. Take care!

[–]Elvira95Viva la figa 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Exactly. Actually, sexuality effect really more than just who you want to sleep with. Even simple friendships are really effected. Getting crushed on your straight friend is extremely bad/weird feeling. This is way I really see homosexuality as isolating. I do find a butch woman perfect as friend, or a gay friend (it doesn't have to be feminine, necessaraly). The buth lesbian shouldnt be into you though. Otherwise the risk of her getting a crush on you ahah Depressing lol See? Straight people have it so much easier.Like they can perfectly befriend same sex, without ever thinking about these sexual problems.

[–]RedEyedWarriorGay | Male | 🇮🇪 Irish 🇮🇪 | Antineoliberal | Cocks are Compulsory 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

You’re right about the small dating pool. It’s incredibly small where I live, as most of the gay men my age move to Dublin, which is too expensive to live in. I will admit, I have high standards, but it would be nice if there were more gay and bisexual men in my town and we had a place just for us to interact with each other. Ironically, my sister has a lot of gay male friends, but they’re not the kinds of guys I’d be into. But some homosexuals find love later in life, so it can happen eventually. A few years ago the deputy principal at my secondary school came out as gay and married his husband. Before he came out, he was just a single man, who devoted his time to running the school and running study centres in the evenings and weekends where we did our homework or studied for exams. After he came out, he started to get more free time for himself, but he was still devoted to his school and he even postponed retirement when the pandemic hit.

And yes, it’s better to have friends based on interests and personality. All of my friends are straight, but they’re cool. Straight men aren’t interested in me so I don’t have to impress them, and they understand what it’s like to be male, and straight women understand what it’s like to find men attractive and you don’t crush on them. Now, there is the risk of developing feelings for a straight friend, but it helps that most of my straight male friends don’t look like the kind of guys I want to date. Don’t get me wrong, my friends are good looking, but I like men who are bald or have very short hair, and my male friends have curly hair, medium length hair, or black hair, which I’m not into. Another trick I use is to think of these men as my brothers, which helps a lot.

[–]Elvira95Viva la figa 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Yeah, if you're gay you kinda have to live a big city, you can't live anywhere. It's very limiting. I was born in a small sicilian town where gays were like nonexistant. Although I knew two people, male and female, who I suspect are homos, but they would never admit it.You can find love at any age. So I got not problem if I have to wait until 40, I got too many things to fix and handle right now, to even think about it, but it's just so limitating. My standard are like: I'm attracted to her in a mental and sexual way, we're compatible and get along well. I know you gays tend to be much more looks focused, for us women the personality tend to be more significant in attraction.

[–]RedEyedWarriorGay | Male | 🇮🇪 Irish 🇮🇪 | Antineoliberal | Cocks are Compulsory 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I hate big cities. I prefer small towns. But if I had to live in a city for a few years, I’d do it, find love and then move back to the small town.

[–]lovelyspearmintLesbeing a lesbian 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

"Escape to the Country...with your City Boyfriend"

[–]RedEyedWarriorGay | Male | 🇮🇪 Irish 🇮🇪 | Antineoliberal | Cocks are Compulsory 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

He’d be sold on the extra amount of space and the friendlier, more reliable neighbours that come with living in a small town.

[–]lovelyspearmintLesbeing a lesbian 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

  1. Would you consider that your experience was positive or negative overall? Why?

I didn't realise I was a lesbian until the start of university, mostly because I went to an all girl's school, had very limited to no contact with guys my age and didn't have a friendship group that talked about guys (even though all of them are straight, there was one lesbian acquaintance who was openly lesbian). So I'd say positive only because of the absence of homophobia.

  1. Do you feel like you missed out on certain things because you were gay or bi? If so, which things? (ex: dating, lack of friends because of bullying/not being able to relate/etc etc)

I feel I missed out on pursuing girls at an earlier age, especially since I'd convinced myself that I was straight and should be interested in guys. I only realised later that I only liked men on an aesthetic level (as in 'that man looks handsome aesthetically) and if any of them flirted or got close to me, I felt physically repulsed.

  1. How do you feel being gay/bi has impacted you as a person? (On a positive side for example, do you feel you became a more open minded and non judgemental person? On a negative side, do you feel you became a more anxious person? Etc etc)

As an adult, I don't mind listening to girl friends talking about their boyfriends (I love gossip and drama, shoot me), but I'm glad I have a friendship circle that accepts and embraces me as I am and will happily listen to me talking about women. Positively, I'm glad I don't have to worry about 'finding Mr Right', considering the reputation straight men have when it comes to expectations, behaviour, etc. Negatively, it's incredibly difficult to find a woman who a) actually is lesbian or bi, not just faking for attention/bicurious, and b) one that's not embroiled in TQ nonsense. Considering there's such a tiny percentage of lesbians, it's a bit disheartening. I've recently found a perfect match, but she's into TQ stuff, which can make things difficult.

  1. Do you feel like it's important for you to have other gay friends or is it indifferent?

Yes, if they're not into TQ stuff. I have an old friend who's bi, but she believes bi means attraction to two or more genders so I'll leave it at that. My straight friends are far more reasonable, thankfully, so if anything, I'd prefer straight friends.

[–]RedEyedWarriorGay | Male | 🇮🇪 Irish 🇮🇪 | Antineoliberal | Cocks are Compulsory 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I’m glad you have good straight friends who support you.

[–]soundsituation 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Would you consider that your experience was positive or negative overall? Why?

Mostly very positive. I was super in love with my best friend and we dated off and on during and beyond high school. We're still in each other's lives. We also had a fun group of friends who would likely be the queer kids of today. Many of them were gay/bi but most were straight outcast types: skaters, goths, punks, etc. Thank god we got to enjoy our innocent teen subcultures in peace unlike Gen Z.

Do you feel like you missed out on certain things because you were gay or bi? If so, which things?

Yes, I still missed out on a lot and didn't even realize it until much later. I wasn't out to my family or any teachers (or to anyone outside of my friend group) so I had no adults to turn to for support with relationship issues. Not being able to talk to my parents about what, to me, was the most important thing in my life at the time made me feel resentful and alienated to a degree that I stopped discussing anything significant with them. I ended up doing a lot of unwise shit that I think could have been mitigated in a different environment. I also talked myself out of doing any extracurriculars for fear of not fitting in. I was never bullied, but I was acutely self-conscious of my difference, and the shame and fear of rejection that arose from that kept me from getting involved in activities that probably would have helped my mental health as well as my future.

How do you feel being gay/bi has impacted you as a person?

As I said in my last answer, it made me feel pretty isolated when I was younger. It also hurt my self esteem. When gay marriage initiatives were defeated I was less upset about the practical implications than I was about the fact that a majority of people didn't think I deserved the same rights they had. I really internalized that, unfortunately.

Do you feel like it's important for you to have other gay friends or is it indifferent?

At this point in my life I don't care. I've had gay friends and straight friends and there's really no difference to me. I do think I need a place like this, though, because these discussions are important to me. I just don't feel that they're necessary to friendships.

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing your story! <3 It seems you had a great experience, that is awesome!

Not being able to talk to my parents about what, to me, was the most important thing in my life at the time made me feel resentful and alienated to a degree that I stopped discussing anything significant with them

Something similar has happened to me. I did tell my mother, but as she didn't reacted well to my coming out and hurt me so much I stopped discussing anything related to my loving life with her till this day.

I hope you feel better or happier now and that you were able to overcome your insecurities and fears! Take care.

[–]Q-Continuum-kin 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

1 is indifferent because I was antisocial and didn't realize I was gay even though i SHOULD have known. I always knew i found guys attractive but I didn't think about it as gay vs straight. After HS i started to socialize with people and realized my socialization with men and woman felt different.

2 i probably missed out on a ton due to not socializing.

3 I have felt that gays are more interesting than the average person due to having to deal with extreme levels of introspection in order to come to terms with your sexuality over the expectations of gender. This is 1 reason I'm so disappointed with newer gen gays. They are treating it like social clout. It makes a ton of people just ego clout chasers with no introspection.

4 yes most straight friends just don't get some things but... Equally we have these new dumbed down social clout gays just not understanding anything and actively damaging our own community.

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing your story! <3 I liked particularly your point 3, that's so true. Everything you said. This newer gays are a disappointment for sure... Hope you have an awesome life, right now! Take care.

[–]yousaythosethingsFind and Replace "gatekeeping" with "having boundaries" 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I was in high school in the 2000s. At that time my mind was preoccupied by more pressing things due to my bad home life, but I had some awareness of the fact that I was attracted to girls/women, but never really dreamed of pursuing it. I couldn’t imagine myself dating anyone of any sex at the time.

No one was out in my high school. But I could sense from the way we interacted with each other that one of my friends was gay. Also the fact that he had Eva Longoria up on his bedroom wall as a pin-up, and that was a super random woman to lust after IMO. 😂 Anyway, I casually brought up that I was attracted to girls/women or at least believed I could be. I don’t remember my phrasing but I brought up the Kinsey Scale which I had heard about and said I thought I could be a 1 or a 2. He said he was relieved to hear me say this because he felt similarly toward men. We didn’t call each ourselves or each other gay, bisexual, or straight. Just talked in factual terms.

Through a lot of cognitive dissonance, a poor mind-body connection and lack of representation of gay women like me, I did fail to connect my feelings to actually being gay. I had a crush on a girl who would become one of my best friends but I didn’t realize that’s what I was feeling. I also had my own pin-up of the model Tasha Tilberg who I constantly talked about being the being the hottest woman ever. My dumb ass didn’t even realize she was openly gay.

Basically, I constantly said and did the gayest shit and no one ever really called me out on it and was like “um what’s going on here?” On the bright side, I was never bullied for being suspected of being gay. I was for being awkward and self-conscious though and for my body being very thin and boyish.

And I don’t think this just was because I was gay but I always struggled to relate to people. I was very intimidated by girls and had zero interest hanging out with most men. It’s funny now because I have a lot more confidence since coming out as gay. I also no longer feel weird around guys because I’m not putting pressure on myself to find them attractive. At the time, I was so weirded out by the idea of dating men. I didn’t go to my senior prom because based on my friends’ plans I felt like I had to go with a guy and I couldn’t stomach that. It felt very wrong and unappealing. Junior prom was fun because I just went with my (almost entirely) female friends.

Overall, my gay experience was non-existent. I had a very opposite experience from my girlfriend who was constantly making out with and hooking up with girls since middle school. Part of it though is that she was visibly gay so every gay/bi girl would reveal themselves to her. At one point she was even in in-patient treatment for an eating disorder and hooking up with her roommate regularly. I thought “How in the actual hell?” Apparently that girl just said one night, “Can I get in your bed with you?” Or something like that and it became a regular thing. Absolutely no one has ever been that forward with me or ever talked to me assuming I was gay. She was also on a million sports teams which included many other gay girls, so that also provided a lot of opportunities I did not have as a non-athlete.

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Thank you for sharing your story! <3

Part of it though is that she was visibly gay so every gay/bi girl would reveal themselves to her.

Damn, you have no idea how much I envy your gf lmao... I've thought countless times about becoming more "masculine" for that to happen (which I'm pretty sure would make my life easier), but I just can't.. It just isn't me.

It's very interesting to see how you both ended up together and have so different experiences. I wish you both all the best! <3

[–]Elvira95Viva la figa 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

No, use dating apps. I'm glad we not live in a time when lesbians must to look differently to make others know they're homo.

[–]PatsyStone🚔Bisexual Sheriff 🤠 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Not gonna lie, it was pretty awful.

I'm from kind of a benighted part of the U.S. that has a lot of endemic social problems which make everything, any problem you could have, harder to deal with. For instance, my high school was not only racially segregated but segregated by social class as well. Our honors program consisted of the children of people (usually transplants from other states) who had college degrees and worked professions. So although I grew up in a heavily religious and Republican area, most of the kids I actually interacted with at school were from politically liberal families that weren't religious or were mainline Protestant and Catholic.

The reason I feel the need to clarify is that those kids bullied the shit out of me. I got called a cuntlicker pretty frequently beginning about my Sophomore year, especially by a particular group of boys that I shared a lot of classes with, and I slowly got ostracized over the course of that year to the point that only a handful of people would speak to me. I was one of those kids who spent lunch in the library.

This continued until graduation. The justification for this was that I had been identified by the other kids as a lesbian and I "was not accepting myself." This was the preferred form of bullying at my school and I can remember several boys from my year who got subjected to the same treatment.

I think this situation colored my view of the world permanently, because I have never liked or trusted "allies." There is no way in hell I would ever go to a teacher for help, they were like them. There were no out gay people in my town that I was aware of.

It also drove me to hang out with mostly Evangelical kids and Muslims (we had a lot of Muslim kids for a little town in rural America.) They are homophobic in their own, different way, but at the time they were the kind people who treated me like a human being and I felt safe around them.

Sad to say, I think it made me an asshole. It also, as I got older, made it difficult for me to fit in and find a place in the LGBTQIAA2S+ community when I tried. I'm just too different to relate.

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Damn, I'm so sorry for the things you went through :( I truly hope you feel better right now and have found true friends who will accept you for who you are!

I'm just too different to relate.

I kinda feel this way lots of time. So, don't worry! I get you. Big hugs

[–]PatsyStone🚔Bisexual Sheriff 🤠 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Aw, thanks so much 💗 I think we all underestimate how different our lives are sometimes.

[–]PatsyStone🚔Bisexual Sheriff 🤠 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Not a sad high school story but a weird one, so I think it fits.

I got sent unsolicited pussy and butt pictures by a high school senior in another town when I was in eighth grade. She wanted to webcam with me (this was in the heyday of Myspace.) I didn't know who the fuck she was or how she knew who I was, I only knew a few kids vaguely in the town she lived in from church activities and summer camps. I didn't have pictures of myself on my profile- I didn't have a webcam 😄

I clicked through her profile and found one older girl from church who we both knew, so that girl was gossiping about me to this chick presumably.

I never answered her, and she tried a couple more times and moved on finally.

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Damn, what a story! Do you think that girl had like a crush on you or was she "testing" you in order to bully you? Because I know how awful girls can be, especially in teenage years!!

[–]PatsyStone🚔Bisexual Sheriff 🤠 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I honestly have no idea, I never actually talked to her. I would have to assume she was just that horny, it was a lot of pictures and she tried more than once 😬 I was very mousy and shy, and to my knowledge had never met her. It was too much for little ol' me at the time.