all 44 comments

[–]Destresse🇨🇵 31 insightful - 1 fun31 insightful - 0 fun32 insightful - 1 fun -  (8 children)

I'm not a reference, since I have a reaaally hard time, uh. Being accessible lol. But, yes, this is something I feel too. I ended up deleting Tinder after an avalanche of trans/couples/men flooded my suggestions right after a bad match up. I suddenly felt violated and disgusted.

What straight person has to go through half of the profiles to find someone that corresponds to their sexual orientation?

Not only are we a minority, we are constantly being disrespected. No one respects our spaces, so we can't find each other. I'm absolutely not surprised most of us feel lonely.

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 22 insightful - 1 fun22 insightful - 0 fun23 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

Thank you so much. You have no idea how it helps to talk and listen to people who actually get it. It feels like I'm the crazy one sometimes when you have literally no one to relate to nearby. The craziest thing is that I even feel there's LESS lesbian content and support online than 10 years ago, which it was when I realised my sexuality. It's crazy how things have gotten considerably worse in just a few years.

[–]Destresse🇨🇵 17 insightful - 1 fun17 insightful - 0 fun18 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Yeah, I know. If I dare share my negative feelings with my straight family members, most insist that I have no reason to feel bad, what are you talking about Destresse, you can get married and have kids now, so it's exactly as though you were straight!

So I shut up now lol.

And yeah, nowadays, lesbian online support is "... And remember, trans women are women!"

Sometimes I despair haha. It's at least something, that we have this and s/Lesbians

I just wish groups like that existed irl :( I want to meet like-minded lesbians in my country dammit

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Omg sigh........ I'm so fucking sorry you had to go through that. I feel you so much. No one around us understands our pain, I swear. Feel free to pm me if you ever need to chat, sweetheart.<3

[–]reluctant_commenter 16 insightful - 1 fun16 insightful - 0 fun17 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

The craziest thing is that I even feel there's LESS lesbian content and support online than 10 years ago, which it was when I realised my sexuality. It's crazy how things have gotten considerably worse in just a few years.

What sort of content would you like to see? I keep thinking ideas for memes about being lesbian, for example, but I haven't learned yet how to make memes and I don't know if I should post them to this group, haha. I was thinking about trying to get a s/LGBmemes or something going.

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Memes would be great actually! :) I think that's a wonderful idea. I don't know, it's good to have something L or at least LGB related to lighten our mood. Great suggestion, I'd love to see it happen! :)

[–]reluctant_commenter 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Okay, sounds great! :) I'm going to keep track of things I think could make a good post. Once I get a few I might try to get a sub rolling, just want to make sure there is some content upfront.

[–]just_lesbian_things 18 insightful - 1 fun18 insightful - 0 fun19 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

What straight person has to go through half of the profiles to find someone that corresponds to their sexual orientation?

Straight men occasionally murders male people who tries to proposition them for sex. If half the profile they see on a dating app is male, they're going to lose their shit. It's why male trans people are way more disrespectful with women than they are with men. Men wouldn't put up with that shit.

[–]Destresse🇨🇵 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Well, I don't think anyone should have to be dangerous in order to be respected

[–]CaptainMooseEx-Bathhouse Employee 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (7 children)

From my perspective, it looks absolutely exhausting to navigate the world as a lesbian. At least the gay men before me left some infrastructure to work with and maintain that are not accessible to the larger world, although they are dwindling.

Unfortunately, dating apps may be your only option right now. At least with Tinder, you can swipe left on the profiles that show up that you aren't attracted to. I'm not sure if it's the same on HER. I know on Grindr anyone can contact you unless you block them and, even then, they can still make another profile to harass you.

Alternatively, and this is an idea I've been mulling around myself, you could make a meetup group that does zoom calls for lesbian and bi women in your area. Require everyone to present ID to join the group as well as a picture of themselves to verify. That way you can weed out the fetishistic men who try and join. You could even have it be themed, like a book club that focuses on titles published through Sapphire Books (lesbian publishing company).

[–]lovelyspearmintLesbeing a lesbian 14 insightful - 1 fun14 insightful - 0 fun15 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

Her doesn't let you block people unless they've done something wrong or have a fake profile, so you have to constantly weed through the same men in wigs and non-binaries (and now fully straight men) before you find a woman.

[–]CaptainMooseEx-Bathhouse Employee 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

But can they still contact you even if you haven't given consent?

[–]lovelyspearmintLesbeing a lesbian 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

There's just a 'x wants to chat' feature, thankfully

[–]Three_oneFourWanted for thought crimes in countless ideologies 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Oh really? Scruff lets you hide block or even just hide any profile without question in the free version. I figured that was a somewhat standard feature for dating apps.

[–]lovelyspearmintLesbeing a lesbian 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

It used to be on Her too, but I'm guessing they thought it wouldn't be as inclusive, so they removed it. They treat blocks as reports too.

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you for your kind answer <3 I appreciate your empathy. Yeah, I'll have to agree with you - unfortunately dating apps are the only viable solution I'm thinking of so far. About the meet-up group, I'll keep that in mind. Thank you for your suggestions as well. Hugs.

[–]Shales123 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

At least the gay men before me left some infrastructure to work with and maintain that are not accessible to the larger world, although they are dwindling.

Lesbians did too, at least in my city, but because of the misogynistic trans agenda all the lesbian clubs have been renamed "LGBTQ" clubs and are open to everyone. History diminishes most female accomplishments, but it doesn't mean that lesbians were lazy

[–]reluctant_commenter 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

The thing that makes me wonder is - is it even possible for a lesbian to get dates without dating apps?

I met my ex-girlfriend through friends, not on a dating app. But I was around a lot of "LGBTQ+"-identified individuals (some of whom were actually LGB). She didn't use dating apps either.

I'm not really looking to date at the moment-- I'm trying to focus on my own personal growth and my work, and anyway we're in a pandemic. So I'm not really sure whether I just got lucky or if avoiding dating apps is a viable longterm strategy. But I probably won't be trying them in the near future either way.

is there something wrong with me or dating as a lesbian is really that hard without dating apps?

I don't think there is anything wrong with you at all. :) Look at it this way, this is what we have working against us--

  • A numbers game. Maybe 3-8% at most of women are same-sex-attracted.

  • Of that 3-8%, probably at least half are a) gender identity ideologists, and I'd as soon date a fundamentalist Christian, and/or b) transitioning and actively harming their bodies via binding, drugs, etc.

  • On top of that, there is a global pandemic and some significant portion of the remaining 1-3% or whatever will not be dating due to practical constraints, be it transmission worries or financial. Including myself.

Soooo, yeah. It's this moment in time. I think it would be easier to find people without dating apps if it weren't for trans rights activism, which demonizes lesbians for their exclusive same-sex attraction, and the pandemic which makes it hard to meet people IRL in the first place!

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Thank you sweetheart :) yes, you're totally right that now with the pandemic it's so hard. It makes things even harder and I definitely Don t want to take risks. But I guess meetings someone online (videochat, messages, calls) while the pandemia lasts would already help I guess. Obviously not the ideal but we should definitely not take risks for now! Hope you're well and thank you for your kind words. :)

[–]reluctant_commenter 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Aw, of course, anytime!! :) Yup it's not ideal, but hopefully we will be out of this soon! Not sure where you live but it seems that in some countries, at least, vaccines are starting to roll out. Thank you! And if you ever want to talk/complain, hit me up lol.

[–][deleted] 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

It's a hard spot to be in definitely. Although I'm not a lesbian I am childfree and that's been a huge barrier to me finding someone. It's ended almost every relationship I've had after high school. So I understand how you feel about seeing the potential ease everyone around you has with finding someone.

That said though, it seems several times worse for lesbians, especially in today's social climate. Unfortunately I don't have any helpful advice, only that I sympathize and stay strong.

[–]Elvira95Viva la figa 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I'm childfree too, although as a homosexual is more acceptable. Vast majority of hetero people want kids, so yeah, your datng pool is also smaller than normal

[–][deleted] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Exactly. I feel OP's frustration in that sense. I can't imagine being a lesbian in today's world with everyone regressing backward 50 years in terms of acceptance. And that's on top of already having a tiny dating pool.

[–]Elvira95Viva la figa 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Lesbianism is a bit of curse. Stayign with women is way better than with me, in every aspect, yet, it makes your life much harder, but limitating yourself by a giant degree. Like, imagine straight women complaining they cannot finding nobody compatible while havigna never ending dating poll,so big, basically men appear in search even as a lesbian, because the women seeking for women are so few, the algorithm just thinks being women automatically means searching for men. I kinda wished I could be some some of asexual aromantic sometimes, it could have avoided the tears I will have in the future :(

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Thank you for your answer, beautiful <3 It's always great to hear different experiences! I truly appreciate when bisexual women are defensive of lesbians, it's very cute lmao. Unfortunately, usually bi women are totally unaware of what's happening to lesbians...

[–][deleted] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Of course! There's enough tension between lesbians and bi women as is so I try my best not to add to that. Especially right now with how crazy TRAs have made things.

[–]Elvira95Viva la figa 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Yeah, it's hard. And for me is harder because I'm different from average in multiple ways. And I have a lot of problems and things to fix mentally and physically and my entire life, it will take how don't how many years before I'm able to date, and finding someone compatible for the mindset I have will be not easy. It feels like biology fucked me. Being more closer to normal would have been better in multiple way. And regarding sexual orientation, being bi would given much more options. Also,not being into masculine women make the dating poll even smaller. Anyway, yeah, you can only date through app. Even hetero today date though them. Apps make dating as a small minority way easier, because you can meet a lot of women you wouldn't meet in real life and already knowing they're into women.Anyway, I'm trying to accept the possibility that I may not find the right woman (I mean I've found one who is perfect match and perfect woman but things are hard to work) and may be single forever. Its hard shit to accept, but it's a possibility one must to be good with.

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Thank you for your answer! I hope you can "fix" all of your problems and it's great that you've a perfect match, even though it's hard to work! Best wishes.

[–]Elvira95Viva la figa 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thanks. I hope for you too, you got more hope than me, with less problems, especially health oneI try to be more positive and hopeful, but it really sucks. I feel like some people are just meant to suffer and struggle more in this life. And yeah, being different just increase the struggle. Intimacy is such an human need, and when you can't find it, for whatever reason, it feel like a void in you. You alive, not suffer, but still is empthy. Being different and belonging to a tiny minroity make things harder, as my life wasn't hard enough. But what can't youdo? We have no control over it. I was never meant to be normal, in many ways others than sexual orientation and sometimes it feel just like being an alien, but it is what it is. Until we're alive, there is hope of things improving, I guess.

[–]HelloMomo 9 insightful - 2 fun9 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

It's fucking hard. I've been reading Boots of Leather, Slippers of Gold lately, and honestly, I think I might've preferred to be dating in the 50s than now.

[–]Dravidian 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Femme into other femmes checking in, and that might be the hardest part. I feel like every femme likes more masculine women for some reason. Probably confirmation bias but still...

[–]Elvira95Viva la figa 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yeah, the more femme someone is, the more likely she is to find male trait appealing. I think the best a woman in the middle, not masculine or to super femme. I still think most lesbians aren't masculine and like most feminine women

[–]EzukiRaen 5 insightful - 3 fun5 insightful - 2 fun6 insightful - 3 fun -  (1 child)

No, there's nothing wrong with you. Dating is going to be really hard especially for people who don't fit with most of the stereotypes (dyed hair, rainbows everywhere, flannel, birkenstocks, etc.). Plus, with covid restrictions, I think the general consensus is that online dating is the way to go. However, once restrictions do lift, I think the best ideas I've seen so far for finding other lesbians/bi women in the wild are the ones that involve having a pendant.

I think if you want to go for something that's subtle but also obvious, you should get a labrys necklace and/or earings. Most of the time when we pass people in the street, we're more inclined to look at faces or what's directly in front of us. Since the earings (or necklace) would be around your face, you increase the chances of people seeing the labrys pendants moreso than if you were wearing a bracelet or had something on your bag. Seeing the pendants, I think, would make lesbians and bi women do a double take. If someone comments and says "labrys" then that's a dead give away that they're lesbian or bi or at the very least, in the know. If they say anything else like "battleaxe" then they most likely don't know the symbolism. Having a pendant would also give you plausible deniability if you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation; It's a lot easier to feign ignorance for an unassuming pendant than it is to feign ignorance for a flag pin.

I would also caution against getting anything that explicitly shows the labrys flag. This is because recently some people have been connecting the labrys flag with terfs. On top of that, the TQ+ crowd is very obsessed with flags and upon seeing a labrys flag pin they'll automatically know that you're a lesbian. They may also be more inclined to question you to see if you're a terf. There's also the rainbow flag but, that's obvious to everyone and not at all subtle. I think anything rainbow is more likely to draw in TQ+ people unfortunately. I guess overall it depends on how subtle or how obvious you want to be. You'll need to find a balance that you're comfortable with.

Either way, if you go for a flag pin or a labrys pendant, it's still up to you to weed through people. I just think a pendant offers more subtlety than a flag pin.

I might be biased in my opinion here because I like subtlety, discretion, and puzzles but, can you imagine if we all made it a point to wear labrys pendants? And what if we made it so that if the pendant were rightside up or upside down became an indicator for if someone was lesbian or bi? It would be like a nod to the past when people wore carnations.

[–]Elvira95Viva la figa 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

That's just bullshit, sorry. Dating apps are the easier way. Don't get why people are against it and expect to randomly meet someone like hetero, when even a lot hetero prefer dating apps because it gives you way better option of meeting people, let alone for someone belonging to like 1 percent of population. I can't get it

[–]PenseePansyBio-Sex or Bust 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Not a lesbian obviously, but still feel for you, Souloo! :( Just seems like the world is making it unnecessarily difficult to be lesbian these days. Especially with men swamping your spaces. If THAT weren't an issue, you'd have lots of options to meet other single-and-looking femme4femme women, without being forced to announce "I'M GAY!!!" somehow. In fact, wouldn't it be great to have numerous groups/meetups (maybe themed nights in lesbian clubs?) specifically for femmes who are into same? Even organized around other interests, like a book club, or knitting club, or whatever? Where you could find women to date who also shared your hobbies and stuff?

But anyway... I was thinking: would it be possible to make a connection to other gay/lesbian people through this sub, maybe? I know that everybody here isn't in the same country or even on the same continent, but if you could just get into a friend-of-a-friend chain somewhere, it might lead to the low-key lesbian group you're looking for, you know? And one that's probably gonna be blessedly-free of men-with-ladyfeelz! Yeah: discreet, femme4femme, exclusively-female dating-- that's the LGBDropTheT promise! :) Does anyone here have any names, etc., that they could suggest? (Ideally in PMs, I'm assuming.)

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Omg Pensee!!! How are you, sweetheart?? I've missed you. Hope everything's doing great with you! :D

In fact, wouldn't it be great to have numerous groups/meetups (maybe themed nights in lesbian clubs?) specifically for femmes who are into same? Even organized around other interests, like a book club, or knitting club, or whatever? Where you could find women to date who also shared your hobbies and stuff?

This would be a paradise indeed. It would be wonderful!

But anyway... I was thinking: would it be possible to make a connection to other gay/lesbian people through this sub, maybe?

Yeah, I already do this hehe. And I've met here lots of people I've come to have some sort of connection here. I love this community. However, I just liked to have someone to hold, to see, to hug, ... you know! But yeah it definitely helps having this community and meeting people here :) So, thank you for brightening my day! And hope you're doing okay :)

[–]PenseePansyBio-Sex or Bust 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I've been good, babe! :) Missed you, too-- but I know that you're plenty busy, what with school and all (including trying to find a girlfriend with both TQ+ and COVID as obstacles), so I didn't wanna bug ya! If you have the time, feel free to spend some of it with me, OK?

I do hope that maybe, through people here, you might be able to meet some eligible women where you are IRL-- if you could just get some names (of people, web sites, clubs, whatever) that'd lead there! A way to find the single femme lesbians looking for same locally. They must be around! You've just gotta hit on an "in", you know? So if you could just crowdsource that info through this sub (or one like it? are there any other LGB-- or just L-- sites that reject the trans Kool-Aid?)... I mean, that's often how we same-sex-attracted people have had to find partners, isn't it?: through a friend-network. Would be great if this sub could be part of yours that way.

Really, though: it does seem to me that dating apps can be a godsend, especially for those who are exclusively same-sex-attracted. It's such a small pool, and if you aren't the type to broadcast your sexual orientation publicly (neither am I!), finding each other seems especially challenging. Are apps out of the question for you? Could there be at least some for your locale that screen out the damn men, and welcome femme4femme women? Maybe you could use apps that aren't for dating per se, but ARE for lesbians, and meet women THAT way?

Basically, it seems to me that... you need to go where the lesbians are! Whether it's a dating app, or an app at all, or what-- just SOMEPLACE that's gonna have the women you're looking for. They're there somewhere: you've just gotta find 'em! HOW is the only question!

I wish that I could point you in the right direction, Souloo; obviously I'm lacking in lesbian credentials... but maybe someone here who isn't can help! But I'll still be cheering you on, at least (with my pom-poms). :)

[–]sleepless-dreamer 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I'm bi, not lesbian, but I just wanted to say that you're absolutely right, finding women is incredibly difficult. The women I was interested in always turned out to be straight. Despite having a preference for women, I ended up falling in love with a man and married him, and it felt kind of inevitable because there are just SO MANY more straight men than there are same-sex attracted women. It's one of the many reasons I will do whatever I can to help get trans-identified men out of lesbian and women's spaces. I hope things get better for you.

[–]Elvira95Viva la figa 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Being bi you got a lot of option. Being homosexual is really like being fucked, because you got no option out. That 's why lesbians usually prefer others lesbians. Reality is a bi woman, even one who has woman preferance, cannot get the difficulty of homosexuality.

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your sweet answer, I truly appreciate it <3 I wished all bi women would be like the bi women I find here lmao. But yeah, that's the thing - even though you have a preference for women, you, as a bisexual woman, still like men. And yeah, numbers aren't on the womens' side. Anyway, I'm glad you found someone you're happy with, man or woman lmao! Hugs <3

[–]SapphicFox 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

There's nothing wrong with you don't worry, I think a lot of lesbians feel somewhat similarly to you tbh. the current climate for lesbian's has been pretty shit even since the lgbtqwert123+ and the virtue signalling stuff took over and infested the dating that were originally meant for lesbians. It can feel lonely at time because there's so much of a hyper focus on the 'inclusivity' stuff that actual lesbian orientated spaces have either been taken over by it and our issues have been shoved aside and we have less places to talk about issues that concern us as same sex attracted women.

I have felt similarly to you at times but after joining some GC based groups on social media it was a refreshing reminder of actually how many peopele are tired of this very thing. I've been thinking of setting up a private FB group for GC Lesbians/ Bisexual women to be able to come together, meet, get support and chat about stuff they otherwise can't openly do due to the current gender stasi climate.

You're not alone OP, your frustration is felt by a lot of us and is warranted, wanting companionship is a very natural part of the human experience. It'll happen, keep going and be true to yourself.❤

Edit: Just to add, since we live in the digital age I would say that trying to meet people online tends to be portrayed as 'easier' but even on a app thats meant to be for women like 'HER' they've sold out so much to the inclusive crowd that you can't even state youre a woman on there anymore, just 'womxn'.😔 Its not impossible to find someone on there but you have to have the patience to wade through a lot of gender specials and obvious men in wigs or 'non-binary' men. I met my current lesbian circle of friends on the meet-up app (pre-pandemic of course) I think a lot of meetup groups are now doing online meetups if that helps.

[–]begonia_skies 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I feel the same way, so it is not just you! I also tried dating apps for a short period but it really didn't work out for a variety of reasons, but dating as a lesbian is really hard. I feel like it is to the point that I'm willing to compromise on things currently that I would have never considered in the past. It's tough, I think I am fairly well balanced, well educated, in good physical shape and it's almost annoying to know I could easily find someone if I was straight, but my career is hard and forces me to move around, it sounds exciting to most at first but eventually, they always leave. Honestly, for you - giving dating apps another try might worth it. Given the current status of the world bars and group meet ups just really aren't a thing right now, so apps might be your best point of contact. Yes, it is annoying to sort through all the couples, men, etc. but your person is out there looking for you too!

[–]Elvira95Viva la figa 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

What things would you compromise? I would never compromise on certain characters trait, like I won't never want to live in a relationship with someone don't compatible with my character or where I have to act differently than what I really am. Better alone, than in an unhappy relationship. Yeah, human need relationships, but if they make you feel shitty, itìs better to stay by yourself and get some pets and hobby to feel the void of human touch