What is up with "lesbians" who meet their exception?

submitted by Astrid2448 from self.Lesbians

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[–]hufflepuff-poet 26 insightful - 2 fun26 insightful - 1 fun27 insightful - 2 fun -  (40 children)

I feel like these women are probably bisexual. but when you're a woman attracted to women and men, women are more attractive partners because so few men have actual decent personalities, so they have dated more women and finally found a guy with a half decent personality and instead of questioning if her identity matches her actual orientation and maybe accepting her bisexuality, she doubles down on her lesbianism and exclaims he's an "exception". This hurts lesbians and bisexual women and only benefits men, I hate it.

[–]Astrid2448[S] 22 insightful - 1 fun22 insightful - 0 fun23 insightful - 1 fun -  (38 children)

But see for me it isn't even the dating itself. Like let's say there is some girl who thinks men usually have crappy personalities so she has only clicked with women. But she will still naturally know how she feels when she looks at idk Chris Hemsworth in a movie. She will know what she thinks about the idea of a penis. I don't buy that they had NO CLUE at all that they were bisexual, at least not in the vast majority of cases. And as I said, in many cases I have seen that these girls will still claim their husband is the "exception" even though they were sleeping with men a week before they met him.

[–]Gearbeta 15 insightful - 2 fun15 insightful - 1 fun16 insightful - 2 fun -  (9 children)

Regarding the penis thing, while I agree that in most of these cases they should know if they're attracted to men or not, a lot, and I mean A LOT of straight women have told me they find penises disgusting. And a lot of straight men find vaginas gross. It was one of the things that confused me before I accepted my sexuality.

[–][deleted] 20 insightful - 3 fun20 insightful - 2 fun21 insightful - 3 fun -  (0 children)

My condolences to their partners if they are actually straight. If a lesbian told me she didn’t like pussy I would be out the door.

[–]Astrid2448[S] 16 insightful - 1 fun16 insightful - 0 fun17 insightful - 1 fun -  (7 children)

I agree with you that it can be hard to realize you are gay. I don't think this is the same situation though, actually it is the opposite. It is hard to realize you are gay at times because society is heteronormative and you often don't realize that you aren't like the rest of the pack. It can be easy to rationalize what's going on because you don't know many people like yourself and have not been taught to understand those feelings. In many houses, people are even taught to NOT be gay.

It is another thing entirely to live in a heteronormative society, proclaim yourself to be gay against this society, and then claim to "not notice" that you wanted to suck a penis when the entire world expected and encouraged you to.

[–]Gearbeta 18 insightful - 1 fun18 insightful - 0 fun19 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

You right. Because I would think wait I'm grossed out by dick but so are a lot of straight girls?? But the difference is that I'm not attracted to men at all whereas straight girls would swoon over men they found cute. Interestingly the straight girls who find dicks gross will almost never claim to be lesbians but bis who admit to loving dick will lie about their sexuality.

[–][deleted] 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

Or you read that stat that most straight women don’t orgasm from piv sex, or AT ALL in the majority of their sex with men. That would be confusing. But there is no way it would take a tons of guys to figure out you’re a lesbian unless there were other variables involved. Many other variables

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[deleted]

    [–][deleted] 18 insightful - 2 fun18 insightful - 1 fun19 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

    It depends on the angle of your clit. Women with an inch or less of space between their vaginal opening and clit are more likely to get off more easily through penetration BECAUSE of internal stimulation of the clit, that is why we angle our fingers upward if she’s on her back. The clit goes back like 6 inches. I can orgasm from pressure on my mons if I am aroused enough. Like, just pressure on the pubic bone. Lots of WOMEN don’t understand their own anatomy or feel comfortable explaining what they need. The world is not focused on female pleasure in reality, just the idea of causing it.

    [–]Gearbeta 15 insightful - 1 fun15 insightful - 0 fun16 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

    I've never slept with a man but yeah you're totally right, it was confusing because I'm not attracted to men but the people who were supposed to be attracted to men didn't seem to be in a way that made any logical sense to me at the time.

    [–][deleted] 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    Yeah, it would be easy to assume attraction was whatever and sex was whatever, but only if you had very little contact with women and no female friends. I wasn’t attracted to men either, but when I did feel attraction it was to women and PRETTY OBVIOUS fairly quickly. Some women experience less attraction in general, to anyone, and also women who have homophobic upbringings or religious families, homophobic countries or cultures would likely have a more complex experience of coming out or even admitting stuff

    [–]reluctant_commenter 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    It is another thing entirely to live in a heteronormative society, proclaim yourself to be gay against this society, and then claim to "not notice" that you wanted to suck a penis when the entire world expected and encouraged you to.

    That is a super useful distinction. Thank you for pointing that out!

    [–][deleted] 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (27 children)

    This is the exact same narrative I’ve heard, but it’s honestly from the women who are already into dudes on some level. If they are your friends they eventually admit it. People don’t usually respond well to it. Lol. One of my friends started dating a man and even her family responded poorly. She was such a rah, rah, lesbian! before that and such a man-hater and attacking everyone that it seemed super hypocritical to them after all the drama. She will always be my friend, so whatever, but I think she gets why lesbians get so reflexively stressed out every time this happens. It just makes me feel sad, happy she’s happy, but sad when the pool gets smaller, yikes.

    [–]Astrid2448[S] 30 insightful - 1 fun30 insightful - 0 fun31 insightful - 1 fun -  (26 children)

    As an aside, I think being really anti-men is another red flag for a "lesbian". It makes it seem like they have this laundry list of grievances for why they don't want to be with a guy, like they're staying away with intention. When in my experience actual lesbians (myself included) don't really care enough to hate guys like that. Because us not being interested in a man has nothing to do with whether or not he's a good person

    [–][deleted] 21 insightful - 1 fun21 insightful - 0 fun22 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

    I barely even notice guys unless we are buddies and they are cool. My lesbianism has nothing to do with men. If I didn’t have any male friends that I would miss, I could easily move to a lesbian-only planet and be cool with that. Lol. I know lots of good people who are women, men, trans whatever. I avoid extreme man-hating lesbians as surely as I avoid man-loving lesbians, if any lesbian is that preoccupied with men I’m gonna get bored with her eventually. I’ve got many grievances with male social gender roles, and male violence, and other dumb shit mostly involving dudes, don’t get me wrong. But I don’t think women are some pure lifeform either and know lots that would benefit to stop participating in their own oppression.

    [–]Astrid2448[S] 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    Yeah, agreed. Sure I have my issues with sexism and stuff but I know plenty of cool dudes. I've got guy friends that are smart, handsome, kind, etc. and they are going to be great boyfriends to somebody. It's just not me and that's cool

    [–]Ricky_Ticky 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (9 children)

    I always thought the same. I find it kinda normal when straight women complain about men but when lesbians do it... I highly doubt they are lesbians for real

    [–]Astrid2448[S] 18 insightful - 11 fun18 insightful - 10 fun19 insightful - 11 fun -  (8 children)

    There's a line between normal venting like about sexism at work and "men are awful! all they do is lie, cheat, and attack us! i don't even associate with ANY men at all! lesbians RISE UP!!" like maam this is a wendy's

    [–][deleted] 17 insightful - 6 fun17 insightful - 5 fun18 insightful - 6 fun -  (7 children)

    Or my personal fav “I am so happy that I am a lesbian because men men men men men men, and I love women”

    [–]oofreesouloo 13 insightful - 3 fun13 insightful - 2 fun14 insightful - 3 fun -  (5 children)

    I see that one A LOT in actuallesbians. Wonder why lmao.

    [–][deleted] 16 insightful - 1 fun16 insightful - 0 fun17 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

    Yeah, performative man-hating to convince the others and themselves they are gay, or actual man hating because of bad men experiences being confused for gay. Occasionally actually gay women actually hate men, but most of us are more likely to be indifferent to men themselves but hate patriarchy and gender roles

    [–]reluctant_commenter 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    Yeah exactly!! I have seen that one a LOT. Tbh that's part of why I've been confused about my sexuality for so long. Do you guys really think this is a thing? I don't hate men-- though sometimes I wonder why I don't, lol, given the awful stuff I've been through at the hands of men, but I just don't feel the same when I look at any man vs a girl I like. It's just so qualitatively different.

    I will say too, I know AL is largely bisexuals/pansexuals so like, the people ranting about men so often are probably not good representations of "lesbians", they indeed are bisexuals even by their own self-identification.

    [–]Lizzythelezzo 5 insightful - 4 fun5 insightful - 3 fun6 insightful - 4 fun -  (0 children)

    I think half the time it's just MTF trans people saying they hate men, to make them feel more like "real women".

    [–]Ricky_Ticky 8 insightful - 2 fun8 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

    Oh yes, so so happy until the next "exception" comes around lol

    [–]7of99 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    That and if a woman says she's a lesbian because her ex-boyfriend(s) never gave her an orgasm BUT she talks about men being "hot" or how she was turned on by them but the sex wasn't fulfilling. Statistically, lots of men are shitty and selfish in bed, so not enjoying sex with particular guys should not be confused with lesbianism (and it's another reason it's not necessary to "try" having sex with someone of a given sex to know whether you're oriented to that sex or not). Swooning over men (genuinely and not intentionally mimicking to fit in) and then saying they are hot but you wouldn't go to bed with them because they are probably shitty in bed is not a lesbian experience. It's fine to be straight or bisexual and choose not to date or have sex with men for whatever reason, but it's not lesbian.

    It sucks because this reinforces the myth that gets applied to lesbians that we only think we are lesbian because the guy(s) we were (assumed to be) with were just shitty lovers. I don't know how common it is but I've known a few girls and young women who have lackluster or bad experiences with guys, "try lesbianism" and then they end up either getting with men again or being extremely vocally anti-men but still talk about how so-and-so is so hot and it's too bad he's one of those awful men. It's distinct from women who become really anti-men due to horrible abuse, and I think anyone who stops and thinks about how prevalent some of these horrific abuses are will get angry from time to time about it, even my straight father, and that's different too, especially when you channel that anger into actual charity work or activism.

    [–]Rao 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (11 children)

    When in my experience actual lesbians (myself included) don't really care enough to hate guys like that.

    I think being really anti-men is another red flag for a "lesbian".

    But can you see how this is an inherently self fulfilling prophecy?

    [–]Astrid2448[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (10 children)

    No?

    [–]Rao 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (9 children)

    OK, so, I'm a real lesbian who really hates men but if I was honest about that then my community would call into question my sexuality like the rest of the world does in addition to whatever social consequences exist for being an open misandrist. Thus, I'm not honest about my feelings and others like you see and conclude that actual lesbians don't care enough to hate men. Get it now?

    [–]Astrid2448[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

    Yeah, I do suspect the sexuality of people who hate men to the point of being proud misandrists. No, the vast majority of women in general (lesbians or otherwise) are not misandrists. Most lesbians actually have a decent amount of male friends since we tend to be gender non-conforming, at least in hobbies if not in appearance as well. Even in a space like this, lol

    [–]Rao 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

    Yeah, I do suspect the sexuality of people who hate men to the point of being proud misandrists

    You believe it's impossible to be a misandrist and a lesbian?

    [–]VioletRemi 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

    It is possible, obviously. However, you can be straight and hate men, that has nothing to do with sexuality.

    [–]VioletRemi 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

    Hating men does not make anyone a lesbian. Exclusively loving women does. And the rest does not matter at all, if you love women and women only.

    [–]Rao 4 insightful - 2 fun4 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

    I don't disagree and wasn't claiming otherwise.

    [–]VioletRemi 16 insightful - 4 fun16 insightful - 3 fun17 insightful - 4 fun -  (0 children)

    In my experience, majority of bisexual women (and men) are ending in opposite sex marriages. I saw on youtube few bisexual woman+woman married couples, thought, but never met any in real life or internet. So seems it is happening, just very rarely.