Femme, butch or something else?

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[–][deleted] 21 insightful - 2 fun21 insightful - 1 fun22 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

I live in a weird zone where other lesbians can tell (that’s good), but men and straight women can’t clock it 95% of the time and looked half shocked when they find out. It’s not like I put effort into my appearance at all. You would have to drag me kicking and screaming to put makeup on me and toss me in a dress.

[–]reluctant_commenter 8 insightful - 2 fun8 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

This accurately describes me as well.

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

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    [–]lmaonope333 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    I dont think I get treated bad for being butch. I'm usually treated like a typical woman. but I live in a big city. nobody had time to care what the next person is wearing. maybe its different in a small town

    [–]Poppy29252 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

    Femme, but I wear mostly black and do not wear dresses or skirts. Still girly though. I know that I look straight to most, but I don't think I act straight if that makes sense. I know men are the ones most surprised to learn I'm a lesbian.

    [–]RedditHatesLesbians 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

    Neither, I'm feminine in some aspects, masculine in others. Long hair, no make up, I wear jeans 90% of the time. No labels.

    [–]ghostraider 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    Same, my work and most of my hobbies are male-dominated fields, but I don't really see myself as butch or femme. Also I have duplicates of some of my clothes, I don't really bother with fashion at all.

    [–][deleted]  (2 children)

    [deleted]

      [–][deleted]  (1 child)

      [deleted]

        [–][deleted] 2 insightful - 2 fun2 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

        lol -- i want knowing smiles and winks :)

        [–]CJLez 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

        I'm probably soft butch. I have a naturally masculine face shape and features but I'm a) very short and b) have very large breasts so unless I'm wearing a baggy winter coat I don't get mistaken as male.

        I've only started looking like this (short hair and less feminine clothes) since lockdown started so I haven't been out in society much to get a reaction. I've noticed only a couple of dirty looks but I live in a city surrounded by farmland so a lot of straight women have short hair and casual clothing. People on zoom at work said it looks great which was nice, even if they're just being polite. However it did make my mum cry and phone me up drunk to beg me to look like a woman again so that reaction wasn't great.

        [–][deleted] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

        I'm the same way - I have the face of a boy on a woman's body. Sometimes I feel too butch for femme-attracted women and too femme for butch-attracted women.

        That's terrible about your mom and I'm sorry she did that, but having short hair is great and I think you will love it.

        [–]CJLez 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

        Thanks. I really do love it. I've been self-concious previously about my masculine features before and didn't think I'd be able to pull it off but having short hair plays into it nicely and surprisingly makes me look more like a woman and less like a drag queen in a cheap wig.

        My hair is naturally super curly/frizzy and very very thick so even just from a practical perspective short hair is nicer because it doesn't take 20 minutes of brushing each day to get the tatters out or two hours to air dry anymore.

        The only downside is having to recut it every two weeks because of how quickly it grows.

        [–][deleted] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

        That's pretty much the key: less daily maintenance in exchange for more frequent haircuts.

        My hair is really thick too so I bought some thinning shears off amazon.

        [–]WildwoodFlower 10 insightful - 2 fun10 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

        My style is kind of "tomboy femme", but I really don't identify as either butch or femme.

        [–][deleted] 9 insightful - 4 fun9 insightful - 3 fun10 insightful - 4 fun -  (0 children)

        i'm a something else. men don't hit on me which is dope! but women don't hit on me either lol... i get compliments from both in like a "hmm that's different" sort of way. i feel like i'm true to myself, so however people perceive that is fine.

        [–]Innisfree 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

        I think people would say I'm a soft butch. Sometimes i get the mood to dress up more feminine (especially after seeing some glam shots of celebrity lesbians) but given femininity takes work, the mood passes quickly. The farthest I got was dressing up and having my hair done for a wedding (I drew the line at high heels though). That was a fun Mulan moment - "When will my reflection show who I am inside?" lol. No struggles nowadays, especially if I avoid dodgy neighbourhoods.

        Looking back I find that people police the appearance of younger women more. When you're younger than 25 somehow it's everyone's business how you dress, how you talk, who you date, etc.

        [–]whateverman 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

        Futch? Chapstick lesbian? I lean closer to femme than I do to butch, but I am also not the most feminine person out there.

        [–]reluctant_commenter 6 insightful - 2 fun6 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

        I think I am a chapstick lesbian, lol.

        [–]reluctant_commenter 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

        Forgot to answer the second part as well, lol. I tend to wear little makeup, often only eyeliner if I wear any at all. Easily faced the most shit for having little makeup and "masculine" hobbies from family members, both men and women but particularly women. They told me it would "reflect badly on them" if I didn't wear heels, makeup, dresses and carry a purse. Which-- I was so confused by when I was younger, but now that I am in the adult world I wonder, Who are all these people they think they are being judged by?? I don't actually think anyone cares.... even those who are more conservative keep their mouths shut for the most part, and were you really dressing your daughter like a doll to please them?

        [–]plotbunny 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

        I don't really identify as anything, but others would consider me femme. Nobody thinks I'm a lesbian, but there are some 'tells' if you know what to look for.

        It's so frustrating because I can feel how differently I'm treated if I wear makeup, heels, dresses, etc. People are nicer and more helpful but men are also so much creepier. Back when I had my hair really short people were more passive aggressive if not outright rude.

        [–][deleted] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

        I don't really know all the gradients and I don't really identify as anything, but I think I'd probably be seen as soft butch based on what I do know.

        [–][deleted] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

        I forgot to answer the second part. Sometimes I feel as though I'm expected to be "the man" - take the risks, initiate the flirting, do the planning, do the pursuing, etc. Like even just random women on Tinder seem to expect me to "woo" them and I'm like "nah."

        [–][deleted] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

        I’m femme but not the lipstick and dresses type. My partners have always been butch. I have always been invisible to other lesbians unless I was with a partner. Society always treated me as though I were straight, unless they knew that I was a lesbian.

        [–]MyLongestJourney 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

        Butch I guess.I am always in casual clothing like jeans and t-shirt,I keep my hair and nails short,I never wear make-up and I would not be caught dead in a dress or/and "women shoes".

        On the other hand I am very particular about body hair,shave legs/armits,trim my eyebrows and use beauty products like anti-aging creams.

        My interests and skills,are a mix of "feminine" and "masculine",I love STEM,I love building and repairing stuff but I also like cooking and keeping my house clean and neat like a good housewife lol.

        [–]florasis 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

        Normal looking female. Nobody know I'm a lesbian, unless I tell them.

        [–]carrotcake 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

        Something else. There are phases in which i am more feminine but I'm usually not that much, except one day or another that i want to wear a skirt or makeup. Right now I'm closer to androgynous or something. When I'm with people that make me comfortable i have a more "masculine way of acting" if that makes sense. The way i stand, walk, sit and talk (deeper toned voice) tend to be less what is expected from women. When I'm with new people i kind of enter in feminine mode, unconsciously. Cross my legs while sitting, speak with a more sweet and less deep of a voice etc. So i guess this helps and people usually respect me when they don't know me, even if I'm in masculine clothes. When i was younger and was pretty femme, it was fucking hard. Men that didn't know would sexualize the hell out of me bc i have a hourglass body. It was horrible. Nowadays almost only women hit on me and they can usually spot that im into on women.

        [–]queerone 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

        I took an Internet gender "test" and the results said Casually Feminine, which is pretty much my style. I used to wear makeup, earrings, etc. when I was young but it takes soo much work (and undereye correction concealer cakes up in the fine lines now) so I just stick with jeans, shirts/hoodies and plain gold stud earrings. Between that and having a short and obese "apple" shaped body means nobody pegs me as a lesbian, <especially> other lesbians.

        Being 40 in 2020 is meh, anyway. [/rant]

        [–]ohbarnacles 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

        I think I'm femme. I don't often wear dresses or skirts, but instead opt for an urban/feminine look. I usually wear a cropped band/movie t-shirt with some oversized jeans, paired with some sneakers or docs. My hair is very long and my face is feminine so I really like the contrast. I put a lot of effort into my appearance: Threaded eyebrows/facial hair, well-groomed fingernails, makeup, etc. I think most of my self-maintenance stems from being teased by my friends in elementary school for being a hairy latina...oops.

        When people usually find out I'm a lesbian, they proceed to tell me a story about how their friend/cousin/sister is a lesbian too (!!!) and sometimes talk about how STRANGE it is to see a conventionally attractive woman be attracted another woman, and how it's even weirder to see them with a butch woman. The only struggle from being femme or more "undetectable" that I can think of is not being approached by other gay women.

        [–]lmaonope333 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

        Butch. I still have some feminine clothes that I bought before I came out because I dont believe in throwing out good clothes but I only wear it if I don't have any other clean clothes