Realising I'm a lesbian made everything make sense

submitted by RedditHatesLesbians from self.Lesbians

Anyone else? I realised I'm not a freak, I realised that that's why I couldn't relate to a lot of bonding with my peers (discussing crushes and lamenting not having a boyfriend is a big part of being a teenager...) I realised that's why I always felt just a little different/weird/off. I've always been called weird and as I got older people would call me a lesbian behind my back, while I was oblivious to it. I don't know how they knew, but all the people around me somehow sensed it before I did. When I told a few close friends they said they'd always assumed.

The realisation has given me power. I always dreaded having to marry a guy some day, but I don't have to. It might sound silly but I'm so happy I'm a lesbian because it makes so many experiences of mine make sense. I'm not broken or weird, I just don't like dudes.

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[–]HelloMomo 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I realised that's why I always felt just a little different/weird/off.

I'm not saying you're wrong, but I am saying be careful of that line of reasoning. When I was younger I thought that most of my feelings of being weird, or other, or broken, were because I wasn't straight. But as I've gotten older, and heard straight people talk about their experiences of teenage angst, the more I've come to suspect that feeling "other" might actually be the universal human experience.

[–][deleted] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

It’s probably a little from column A, B and C, and maybe some random other column. I still feel other most of the time

[–]yousaythosethings 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I think many people feel "other" and different for a number of reasons because none of us conform to society's expectations in every way, but it still makes sense if OP realized that this was the particular reason she felt different in particular instances.

[–]VioletRemi 11 insightful - 4 fun11 insightful - 3 fun12 insightful - 4 fun -  (0 children)

For me it was more of an acceptance that I will not live normally in this homophobic society most likely. Gladly situation here became better. I think I always knew I am a lesbian (without knowing such words as homosexual or lesbian - as they were censored out from everywhere), but I tried to be "normal" really hard. And when failed everything, and then first time slept with a girl and kissed on - I realized that I just can't "fix" myself, I can't change myself. I am who I am.

[–][deleted] 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

I got called weird but I think i am a bit weird, or I think weirdly about things, or perhaps just think too much. So I was weird from being gay and weird from being smart, and I am not sure if one was more than the other weirdness. Being weird actually sucks, so when people love it I think they are fake-weird. Lol

But realizing I was a lesbian definitely made the lack of crushes on boys make a lot more sense. My family said they had wondered because I had so many handsome guy friends and no interest in them at all, romantically.

I wish I could say it made my life better as a teen, but it sort of just made me experience a lot of pretty bad dysphoria feelings before we had language for it. I came out in a town with no lesbians that I knew, and at a time where we could still get our asses kicked for it. I was so attracted to women that I felt ashamed that I was also a woman, sort of wished I could smooth out all the “tells” for female on me. That took a long time to go away, I am lucky I wasn’t indoctrinated into the idea of transition. No one would have known what was happening for me gender wise, because i just looked female, and even femme, and I certainly didn’t tell anyone. Yikes

The best part of being a teen lez was getting a secret gf. My first relationship was around 1.5-two years, closested. she slept over a lot since no one knew we were fucking. Lol. That part was A+++.

[–][deleted] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

My mom said “I don’t care what you do, at least you won’t get pregnant.” The first time I had a girl stay over that wasn’t an actual friend.

[–][deleted] 3 insightful - 3 fun3 insightful - 2 fun4 insightful - 3 fun -  (1 child)

Looool. She was right at least

[–][deleted] 2 insightful - 5 fun2 insightful - 4 fun3 insightful - 5 fun -  (0 children)

Unfortunately she’s normally right lol

[–]TarshishJupiter 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Same. I used to dread getting married. I dreaded the wedding night too. (But of course I thought it would have to happen, because of how I grew up.)

I kept having dreams where I would walk down the aisle, get married to some dude, feel weird about kissing him, and then immediately regret it and cry afterwards. Or dreams where a man and I were going into the bedroom on our wedding night, and I would always back out and run away. I had at least five or six of those dreams that I can remember.

Now that I know I'm a lesbian, I can't wait to get married to the right woman. I know marriage and weddings are a little silly, but I have stars in my eyes at the thought of them. The old dreams have stopped, and instead, I'll occasionally have a dream that I'm marrying a woman - and the only reason I'll be upset is when I wake up, lol.

[–]RedditHatesLesbians[S] 9 insightful - 3 fun9 insightful - 2 fun10 insightful - 3 fun -  (1 child)

That's adorable! I had a lot of dreams about women before realising I'm a lesbian and while questioning, like my subconscious was screaming "Yes, you're a lesbian, you idiot!"

What doesn't help is if you Google why you're having such dreams, Google is quick to tell you that it definitely doesn't mean you're gay and that it's symbolism for conflict in your life or something else vague that can apply to anyone. Turns out it meant I'm gay.

[–]TarshishJupiter 9 insightful - 6 fun9 insightful - 5 fun10 insightful - 6 fun -  (0 children)

Yeah, I had dreams about women too before I knew I was a lesbian. And yes, Google is no help! Dream sites are usually like, "You need to connect with your femininity." Like... ok??

[–]Starburns 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Absolutely the same! I spent most of my time growing up not understanding why I felt different from my friends and like I had to put on a performance to constantly guard a secret but I was not sure what the secret was... hahaha. Once I realized I was able to relax so much with myself and be authentic around others ie go back to wearing oversized men's clothes and not censoring my reactions to meg thee stallion's music videos

[–][deleted] 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yes. I always felt like a weirdo. I had never been into guys romantically, though I definitely tried it. I didn't understand love or romance and felt like I was heartless or emotionally defective growing up. I had a lot of guy friends that I turned down, and it didn't make sense until I realized my intense feelings for my closest female friend was actually a crush..and THAT'S what it was supposed to be like.

[–][deleted] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I knew from an early age that I was not like my peers, but I had no word for it. At the age of 12 a knew what it meant and that I was a lesbian or "a homosexual" as it was called. Everything about it made sense and I felt safe and secure in my identity. The problem was the rest of the f*g world. It took me a long time to learn to live as the person I am, to learn how to deal with hatred, discrimination, violence and sometimes fear. It got better with time but nowadays I'm more irritated with the human species because we have a tendency to just keep making the same mistakes over and over again and letting the beast of misogyny rear it's ugly head everywhere all the time. Hm, maybe I'm just getting old... Still love women though :)

[–]yousaythosethings 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yep, I can relate to feeling weird, awkward, and broken before and when it finally clicking into place suddenly made everything made sense. Everything else about my life that felt fuzzy and weird and off and uncomfortable suddenly came into focus and all felt aligned. It definitely gave me a sense of power, confidence, and self-acceptance that I never had before. I wish I figured it out sooner, but I didn't, so I just have to make up for all the lost time.

[–]lmaonope333 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

TW

god I could've wrote this post. in the community that I'm from, comp het was really strong so I thought I'd have to marry a man. I used to lie in bed at night and imagine what it would be like to have sex with a man, i always imagined I'd stay fully clothed and keep a full bush so that he wouldn't see my genitals, plus put a pillow in between his body and my body so that at least he wouldn't be able to touch my boobs. I used to lie in bed at night with those thoughts pretty often, and tense up my whole body especially my vagina. I'm pretty sure that's how I developed vaginismus

it was a relief to find out I'd never have to have sex with a man

[–]Skipdip 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

For sure being lesbian made my life harder and made me more out of sync when puberty hit. But also I had attachment trauma and other trauma stuff and that made me weird too ;) still discovering my lesbianism was incredibly liberating, it did make me come much more into myself and reintegrate many lost parts, like it seems to have done for you. Amen sister!