I think one of the problems is what you are calling “internalized homophobia” seems alien to most of us and very different from what we think of as internalized homophobia which is generally discomfort with our own homosexuality and homosexual feelings, thinking we’re weird and predatory or thinking “I can’t be a lesbian because people like me aren’t lesbians.”

I say all of this as a late bloomer lesbian who was married to a man and I didn’t even think of penises in that marriage, not even during sex, so this is very different to me. Many of us relate to trying to convince ourselves that we really do like men or that we had to learn to like them or that we assumed we would do so in the future, but that is still more the idea of a man, which is different than fixating on male sex organs. That sounds more like intrusive thoughts or something like that. Or even autoandrophilia as one poster mentioned. So it would be helpful to know what influenced you to think of this as internalized homophobia specifically. If it’s a text, I would be interested in reading it. I am interested in learning other people’s stories and paths.