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My experience with coming to terms with my homosexuality

submitted by Skipdip from self.Lesbians

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[–]Skipdip[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

It didn’t help that my first girlfriend was deeply in the trans ideology. She constantly brought up “boyness” or “being a man” so I was like. Hold on, I’m even more masculine than her. I don’t feel comfortable with her not having to be a woman and her calling me a woman. But I am a female and I don’t want to pretend otherwise. I also want to be with a female why does she say she isn’t? Do I not like that she is non-binary and not a woman because she is coming out as a man and I’m gay? No... wait she is female. Why does she disavow femaleness so much? why does she hate herself so much?

[–]oofreesouloo 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Just like someone here already said, it was the weird way you worded things and the focus on males and penises 😅 As a lesbian, just the thought of penises grosses me out and that is why your post was so uncomfortable to read. Like, we don't ever think about males or penises, ESPECIALLY during sex, because it grosses us out, let alone "not being able" to stop thinking about it. That's literally the least lesbian thing ever 😅

[–]VioletRemi 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I would not say it is grosses me out, but it is like thinking about antarctica or in worst cases about pooping. So it can be only during very boring sex, or it can ruin sex. There just no way or reason about thinking something so unrelated (or gross) during sex, lol.

[–]Skipdip[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I mean yeah I agree lol. But it’s only not a lesbian thing when you don’t have internalized homophobia. U kno what I’m saying? My point is that internalized homophobia and misogyny kept the dong in my mind. And it was very much in the mind of my girlfriend who did the typical trans female thing where she found it more palatable to be a man than to be a lesbian woman. I published this publicly after a long discourse about the problems of the queer movement to which I was TERFed and “transphobic”Ed and spoken down to and not listened. I didn’t want to share any personal details of my girlfriend and her struggles with gender identity, but I used this to illustrate for her why gender doesn’t exist, and the best path is to let it go.

[–]yousaythosethings 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I think one of the problems is what you are calling “internalized homophobia” seems alien to most of us and very different from what we think of as internalized homophobia which is generally discomfort with our own homosexuality and homosexual feelings, thinking we’re weird and predatory or thinking “I can’t be a lesbian because people like me aren’t lesbians.”

I say all of this as a late bloomer lesbian who was married to a man and I didn’t even think of penises in that marriage, not even during sex, so this is very different to me. Many of us relate to trying to convince ourselves that we really do like men or that we had to learn to like them or that we assumed we would do so in the future, but that is still more the idea of a man, which is different than fixating on male sex organs. That sounds more like intrusive thoughts or something like that. Or even autoandrophilia as one poster mentioned. So it would be helpful to know what influenced you to think of this as internalized homophobia specifically. If it’s a text, I would be interested in reading it. I am interested in learning other people’s stories and paths.