For something positive - shall we share our own empowering moments as WOMEN?

submitted by vitunrotta from (self.GenderCritical)

Fellow women, I salute you.

Times are tough and things are shit, as the saying goes. Not a day goes by without some upsetting and worrying news. I think it’s safe to say we all (on one level or another) feel like we’re caught in a landslide that is entirely made of poop.

But I am tired of just bad news and negative things! Let’s talk about something positive also?

In this case I would like to hear from other women/girls and more specifically, your stories and lives and a moment (or several) where you overcame something, or won a battle, or found inner courage to do something and so on. I’d like it if we could speak especially about things we experience as WOMEN. Natal women. We all know women go through a lot of shit men don’t have to, but in many cases there are also sweet, sweet victories. Anyone interested in sharing their YAY! moment? (Doesn’t necessarily need to be a feminist moment per se).

I shall start. :) My small (yet personally impactful) YEAH! moment was when I realized that I’d been taught to always be demure and literally apologize when I wished to say something or out an opinion. Always sorry, I think... and sorry but in my opinion... Like I was apologizing for my entire existence. Sorry I am a woman who has a voice! Sorry sorry sorry! Sorrryyyyy!

One day I thought: I am not bloody sorry for having an opinion. I am not sorry for being a woman. So I won’t apologize anymore. I caught myself doing this almost automatically and it was (still is) a conscious effort to refrain from saying “sorry” about everything (as this "proper behaviour" has been pounded in my brain since I was a toddler...) But I’m getting there, and it has made me feel so much better about myself. My existence is valid and so are the things I say, so I refuse to be a placid, meek, docile shadow anymore. Not sorry! Will it make me look like a “bitch” to some people? Maybe. Sorrytime is over nevertheless. YAY!

(Just to clarify: of course I say sorry when I e.g. have done something wrong, if I bump into someone and so on... but if I discuss a matter, I will not say “I’m sorry” before stating my opinion. I will make one small exception though: I'm sorry for using the word empowering. :D I couldn't come up with a good equivalent.)

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[–]SameOldBS 28 insightful - 3 fun28 insightful - 2 fun29 insightful - 3 fun -  (4 children)

The time I stood up as a teenager in my wider family of origin one Xmas and asked why all the females, who also had full-time jobs, were doing all the cooking and housework while all the males sat around and drank beer. It did not make me popular but it did make me a feminist. And the next year my mother followed my example and opted out and did her own thing at Christmas.

[–]vitunrotta[S] 18 insightful - 3 fun18 insightful - 2 fun19 insightful - 3 fun -  (1 child)

I love that your mother heard you and was probably thinking "finally someone said it out loud!" and duly stopped performing her womanly duties.

I've seen this so much - guys sit around and have a talk, while women scurry around to catch the kids who are about to get lost in the woods; and they're still stirring a pot of marinara with one hand. Good on your for speaking out. Men will especially hate to hear these truths but you took all of their balls (figuratively, I must add!) and stood up to everyone. I'm proud of you, as a distant stranger woman :)

[–]SameOldBS 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you! I really appreciate that.

[–]TurtleFuzz 18 insightful - 2 fun18 insightful - 1 fun19 insightful - 2 fun -  (3 children)

When it came time for my oldest daughter to be born, I had a fairly quick and easy labor and delivery, about 12 hrs total. My friends and family joked that the next one would be born in the car lol.

Well, 2nd daughter is ready and my labor progressed so quickly that it was almost precipitous labor. It was 5 hrs total, and most definitions of precipitous labor I saw were 3hrs or less. But anyway, she came out in 2 pushes, and didn't spend a long time in the birth canal. She came out so fast she had windburn on her cheeks lol.

When it came time for her 1 day old checkups, the nurse said her oxygen levels were low and she had to go into the nursery for monitoring. The in-house pedi said she had some fluid in her lungs, and it's likely amniotic fluid that wasn't squeezed out properly during labor. But they needed to run tests to rule out pneumonia or a heart condition. The hospital didn't have the right equipment to do an echocardiogram, so my baby had to be transferred to the regional children's hospital by herself.

Having my 1 day old baby taken from me was devastating. I never felt such powerful, wracking sadness. I felt like I had failed her, by not giving birth "the right way". For a while I felt like I would never stop crying.

Then a voice in my head said "Get your act together, your baby needs you. Let's get shit done". So my husband and I spent the next 3 days in the NICU, staying near my baby and sleeping on a cot in a dorm attached to the hospital. I was still exhausted from giving birth, but I pumped and went to breastfeed my daughter whenever the nurses said she seemed hungry.

We were blessed that there were no complications, and all her tests came back fine. It's been over a year and she is still doing great, no problems at all.

The emotions I felt that day are reserved only for women: sadness, bravery, determination to do anything for their baby. No man will ever know what I felt. And that's something that I am proud of.

[–]vitunrotta[S] 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Thank you for sharing your story. You're a champion, no doubt. Your daughters will have an excellent mother and woman to look up to.

As a bit of an off-topic I feel the need to add that I am, in fact, not a mother - and I don't ever wish to be, due to various reasons. I have nothing against babies or children or people who want to have them but I have understood that I am not a person that should have kids, and also simply don't really want them myself. BUT I do care passionately about all women (and of course, all children): pregnant women, women who've had a miscarriage, women who had a tough labor, women with post-natal depression, women who struggle with the juggle of work/mom etc. I also very much sympathize with any parent with a kid that may have some learning disabilities, ADD, or some neurological disorder - whatever it may be. Coming from a very dysfunctional family my heart goes massively out to the kids that are dismissed, left alone, abused, what not. It breaks my heart to hear any of these stories. I hope you understand why I wanted to explain my position, I certainly do not undermine your story at all, and don't want to make this some "me-time."

While I have faced heart-wrenching losses in my life I'll certainly never know exactly what sorrow and pain you went through; but I empathize with you to the fullest level I am able to. I hope all the best for your entire family.

You went through an unimaginable ordeal and like you said: only a woman would know. You got through it. I commend you. Again, thank you for sharing.

[–]TurtleFuzz 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I understand completely! I just wanted to share because it was something that only women could experience. Of course, not everyone goes through all of the awful things that can happen regarding conceiving, pregnancy, etc but I think the feeling of "not being good enough woman" is something a majority of girls and women feel. There's so much pressure put on women to be perfect and it's insane.

But overcoming these obstacles is part of being a woman, so I felt compelled to share. Thanks for letting me share my story, and for sharing your feelings too! No woman is exactly the same, but the more we talk, and speak up for ourselves, the better off we all are.

[–]vitunrotta[S] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

No woman is exactly the same, but the more we talk, and speak up for ourselves, the better off we all are.

Indeed. And I am always interested in any woman's story: we're not one, but we have a lot of things in common - in many cases quite literally due to our shared biology.

And so much YES to what you said about "not being good enough woman" - I feel like mothers especially are very harshly criticized by other women, mothers, men and the society as a whole. It must suck. It sucks to see this even as an "outsider," I don't even want to think how terrible it might make some women feel about their mothering skills (or whatever I should call it, unsure, lol).

You sound like such a great person. And a kickass woman, for sure. Your story is important, and it is yours to share; doesn't matter if we all don't have the same experience. In many cases it means a lot to just be able to say what you felt out loud, to a group of people who are able and willing to empathize (whether or not the people you talk to know exactly what your experience was like).

(Your words to me meant a lot as well. Thank you for that, really. Too many times I find myself in a mind-bending discussion where it's women who had children vs. women who didn't. It's stupid and redundant. I am personally ashamed of the child-free women who feel the need to tell how much they detest anything regarding pregnancy, giving birth, breastfeeding etc. because I see these types online a lot as well... :/ I want to think they are, as usual on the internet, the loud minority.)

[–]powpowpowpow 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

When I was sexually harrassed at 15 years old, I didn't bow down to my old group of "friends" that sided with the agressor and just wanted me to suck it up and stop being such a drama queen so we could all be normal again... that I should understand him bc he was drunk and had a rough family life.

Well, I told them no, that I would not put up with that and that I would no longer be with them, it was tough, I was alone, sad and betrayed... but not by myself, I think I learned my value like that

I also stopped using make up and feel really comfortable on my skin, so yeah... it's nice! :)

[–]vitunrotta[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Kudos to you. Applause all around. And also - so sorry you had to go through that AND deal with "friends" who would rather side with the aggressor rather than think hey maybe she went through some shit and we need so support her.

I've heard FAR TOO many of these stories, regardless of age, where the "friend" group decides unanimously to side with the person that violated someone, instead of standing by the person that was attacked. I don't know if in your case this person was one of the friend group, but honestly it shouldn't matter. In fact it should make it clearer for everyone that there's a rotten apple amongst them and they need to protect and support the one that was violated.

Definitely a thing to be proud of. And screw those "friends." Good riddance.

[–]powpowpowpow 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yeah, they had the audacity to call themselves feminists lmao

It was an awful time for me... almost no one in my life completely sided with me and only now I find people empathizing...

It's just awful... I hate how that assault plus another one I suffered by my ex bf changed me, I learned but now I can't do things I used to do anymore, like getting out of my house by myself, I always need my bf by my side or another friend, preferbly male because if it was another woman there would be a chance of violence... there is one even with a man there with you, so... yeah

It sucks... I hate always being afraid and on my toes, but it is what it is

[–]_another_voice 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

One of my best friends--before we became friends, we were just coworkers--said, "I have a lot of opinions. I know you have opinions; you should speak them." To her, it was an expectation. She wanted discourse. We disagree on many topics, but we're still friends several years later because we expect and welcome disagreement: at minimum, it makes us think.

Another was never being called on for questions in grad school, strictly because I was female (all the men, a vast majority in the course, seemed to get theirs answered just fine) until the first test scores came back.

[–]vitunrotta[S] 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

A lot of times simply having an opinion - any opinion - as a woman, you'll be chastised and dismissed. Don't you know you should not be so loud? And heavens! Do not swear! Don't debate! Why are you so aggressive! (Usually comes up when you calmly explain your POW of something...)

Keep it up. Don't quiet yourself. We've been taught to do it, it's now our mission to unlearn this terrible lesson.

[–]just_lesbian_things 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I was the only woman in a lab class and the lab instructor had it out for me. The woman who took the class the year before warned me against him. She said he picks on women in the class and made another woman in her class cry.

Right off the bat he lowkey tried to make me take notes for the whole class (I wouldn't, and that pissed him off). He called on me more than the rest of my male classmates combined. He would criticize me publicly whenever I got the question wrong- I wasn't paying attention, I wasn't putting effort into the class, etc, etc. He did that maybe once or twice to a male classmate, but it was every time for me. This was an electronics programming class, so there were electrical equipment on the lab benches (not like a Chem Lab with toxic materials or anything). I had to leave the room if I wanted to eat. He wouldn't so much as let me keep a sealed bottle of water on the lab bench. He turned a blind eye to my male classmates eating and drinking on their stations. It meant I had less time to work, but I used to do programming contests, so I'm rarely short on time anyway. This went on for the entire term and I never broke. Probably not what most people would consider empowerment but still. And I did get an A+ in the class. Again, it was one of those classes where either your program worked or it didn't, and he couldn't dock enough points nitpicking over my formatting (plus, I think he hated looking at code anyway; after having helped some of my classmates debug their disaster programs, I can see why).

I caught myself doing this almost automatically and it was (still is) a conscious effort to refrain from saying “sorry” about everything

Yeah, I'm working on that too. I decided to put my foot down after I caught myself apologizing to the driver who hit me with a car (there was a stop sign, I had right of way and was in the middle of the crosswalk when I got hit).

[–]lefterfield 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

One thing that helped me in working on breaking this habit was the recognition of the difference between "I'm sorry" and "I apologize." If I've done something wrong and it's hurt someone else, I'll 'apologize.' If someone is hurt due to some terrible event or because of someone else's bad behavior, I'm 'sorry' for them. If neither is true, then there's no reason for me to be sorry.

[–]vitunrotta[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Well put! Excellent strategy. I will try to do the same.

[–][deleted] 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Honestly, I can't think of any, although I've done things like cut off toxic relations and walked out of bad relationships. I am glad I did those things, but I will always beat myself up for walking into trap after trap, being exploited at home, at work, not taking opportunities, or being denied opportunities because I didn't have the money to support myself, etc.. I might have done XYZ, but I'm still shellshocked, with no human support, you know?

It's like everyday things just seem to get worse for women as a group, and it's so clear to me that those of us who live in "progressive societies" are going to lose all of our rights in a very short timespan. The train is coming and it won't be stopped.

[–]Hankypants 9 insightful - 3 fun9 insightful - 2 fun10 insightful - 3 fun -  (0 children)

I realised that one day I would be dead. From that day on, I would only exist as memories, and when they were dead I wouldn't exist at all. I learned that if I made a mistake or was misunderstood, there was a large amount or time during which I could correct their misunderstandings of what I'd said or tell them where they were wrong. Because I said what I meant. I was prepared to learn and change - I had nothing to lose and only the truth mattered

[–]Death_Tephra 7 insightful - 3 fun7 insightful - 2 fun8 insightful - 3 fun -  (0 children)

Today I decided to wear short shorts and a tank top. It's fucking hot where I live, ok? So I go to the store, and as I walk up there is a smelly homeless scrote that just LOCKS onto me. The second I'm within earshot of him he says, in a gravelly drunken voice, "Hey sweetie can I ask you something?". Fuck no you can't!😁🖕

I ignore his existence and walk by without saying a word. Fuck that guy. That's my story for today.

[–]LoudMeow 5 insightful - 2 fun5 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

I wasn't really cued into how unusual this was when it happened back in the 80s but in retrospect ... I dominated class discussions in College without a single thought as to whether I should let the boys talk or be intimidated by them. In fact I have always done this and it's really only since tuning in here that I recognize that this isn't considered "normal" by the larger society. If I have something to say, I say it, if I get flamed, I flame back. I only wish all the girls growing up now had that confidence.

[–]vitunrotta[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I am very glad you had the ovaries to do that, and never even questioned it. Really - that’s how it should be FFS. I admit I am a tad envious as well, coming from a place & background that quite literally put women in their place and told them to shut up.

Even without my horribly misogynist upbringing I think most women are falsely indoctrinated to follow the “good girl” routine, so I am VERY curious of your background? No need to go to minute details, for obvious reasons - but I wish to know more. How did you miss this hellscape I know so many girls and women are trapped in, even as we speak?

I’ll say it again though: good for you, and it is an atrocity that your story stands out so much, when it should be the norm everywhere, for everyone.

[–]DWD 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I had a hard delivery with my son, was in the hospital with contractions for two days straight. Finally he was crowning, and I could feel my body literally (ha ha, yes literally) tearing into pieces. My obgyn told me to push and I cried "Oh God I can't". And she firmly shouted "YES YOU CAN". So I pushed through and tore up my genitals doing so.

Now I don't know if what she did and when she did it would be considered obgyn "best practices". But a simple prompt of Yes You Can and I tore myself apart. The whole birthing experience is very primal, and now whenever I am uncertain of myself I hear her yell Yes You Can in my head and it helps me power through. If I can survive that there is not much to be afraid of in life.

[–]tea4two 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Your story resonated with me because I developed the same "Sorry" habit and had to work hard to unlearn it. I'm still struggling with it and reread all my emails to remove "sorry" before I send them!

On to my story...

We were having a big company meeting and were asked to introduce ourselves. The men went around the table presenting themselves as [Professional title] [Last name] while all the women used their first names only. Which drove me crazy because these women had the same credentials as the men.

When it got to me I loudly introduced myself the way the men did, no first name in sight. Everyone stared for a beat then all the other women followed suit.

Ladies, always present yourself the way a man in your industry would. Humility gets you as far as the break room to bring everyone else coffee.

[–]Dragonerne 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

The moment I realized that I don't have to risk my life or get in danger if a woman is getting assaulted.

[–]vitunrotta[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

What does that even mean. Hm, maybe no need to answer. Found a comment from you elsewhere - this is the direct quote from yourself:

“GC is hilarious. They realize that "transphobia" is fake and gay but they still believe in all the other lies that are being told. Not only do they believe them, they kick out anyone who doesn't support those lies. Good job!”

So why are you here as you clearly think we are all dumb and you are smart and superior? Just go troll some other platform, that seems to be the one thing you excel at 😊