I am living absolute irrefutable proof that life is NOT "what you make of it"

submitted by Vulptex from self.whatever

The biggest factor is LUCK. First of all how you were born genetically, which is like 90% of it. Then about 9% is controlled by external circumstances outside of your control. I have zero talents, I am losing my intelligence, I have emotional issues and I'm predisposed to unhappiness. Absolutely NOTHING can change that. Ever. I'll have to suck this up my entire life, never being able to have fun or enjoy anything because I CAN'T DO ANYTHING! And even if I could, I'd have trouble enjoying it fully, because my emotions and senses are so biased toward the negatives because that's how my brain was wired. Meanwhile, everyone I know and everyone who's similar to me is easily more than I could ever dream of just starting out with anything. It's like they all have super human abilities and I'm the only one of us who doesn't. Practice doesn't change it, mindset doesn't change it, it's entirely genetics and luck. Fuck, I can't even visualize properly or lucid dream or have intuition or creativity or imagine or think outside the box or mediate or be hypnotized or anything.

This is the simple truth about our world and natural selection and the matrix. Plenty of people have absolutely no hope, period. Anything claiming otherwise is COPE.

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[–]Views 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

You are conflating your perspective on Life with Life itself. These two things are not the same.

There are three things:

  1. Life
  2. What we think Life is
  3. What we think Life should be

We only ever have access to 2 and 3.

I am genuinely saddened for your suffering. I do not suggest the pain is not real. You feel it; it is. But to confuse your pain with Life itself is narcissism.

Last bit, we are ALL narcissists. I've never met anyone who isn't. We all think that our perspective either IS or SHOULD BE Life itself. I'm not immune. But I do know that that part of me continually telling me this is false, no matter how many times a day (minute, hour) it tells me so. At least that's something.

[–]Vulptex[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Even for the luckiest people in history, life is at best 50/50. In general, it's almost all bad for the vast majority of creatures that have ever lived. Nature was definitely designed by sadists.

[–]hfxB0oyA 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (18 children)

Did you have a (supportive) father in your life while you were growing up? Serious question - not trying to be a dick.

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[removed]

    [–]bucetao6969 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    Found edward

    [–]Vulptex[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (15 children)

    I did and still do, but we're nothing alike. He could never understand me.

    ALL, and I mean ALL the people who are like me are ultra savant genius talents, in every area of interest. They start out way ahead of where I'd be after an entire lifetime of experience. ALL of them except one who kind of lost mind already.

    The problem is genetics. I have so many mental illnesses, goodness where do I begin. I probably have every single mood disorder, slow processing speed, decaying intelligence, chronic depression, chronic stress, ADHD, OCD, hypersensitivity, hyperanxiety, possibly psychosis, no talent, gender dysphoria, probably learning disabilities, possibly a sleeping disorder; I don't consider ASD an illness but it's a very bad combination with the rest of these things. Paradoxically I'm also very smart at the same time, I'm just not capable of any sort of the creative work I need. My intelligence only makes me highly aware of how hopeless I am and how unfair it all is. Even my intelligence is rotting though, and all my problems are getting worse. I know things will only continue to get darker from here, bored out of my mind and hating myself and nature and life and the world.

    There is not a single other person on this planet suffering from this affliction. Sure most people can't do anything special, but they don't care to. Everyone else who shares my personality and interests has something like superhuman abilities. There is not one area where this isn't the case. All I can do is watch them all have a blast while I'm desperate unable to do a thing. Maybe if I hadn't been allowed a small taste of it when I was a kid, I wouldn't care either; but now I'm fully aware of what I'm not only missing out on, but actually NEED to stay healthy.

    Of course, I'm not allowed to ask for help or vent or even acknowledge that I have all these problems, because that's not "positive thinking"! If I don't put up the excruciating act that it's all sunshine and rainbows, people will hate me and make me feel guilty for feeling the "wrong" way. So I don't dare talk about it. And remember kids, mental illness isn't real, it's just an excuse that bad people use! People just CAN'T FUCKING ADMIT THAT THE WORLD IS AN AWFUL UNFORGIVING PLACE!!!

    [–]hfxB0oyA 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    Sorry to hear.

    [–]noice 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

    Vulptex I can hear some voices from my past self (and admittedly a couple that still linger) in this post of yours. It is very hard to be in that kind of state - especially for spans of many years! I know it and I have lived it. It is also challenging because a lot of the trite advice and bullshit that most people spew will just make you feel even worse. REALLY exacerbated by the chasm of isolation that a couple standard deviations in IQ brings along. You're being too hard on yourself. You know that, but you still feel that shit and it fucking sucks.

    I am hoping that you can change things up a bit to get out of your rut. For me, it honestly took a couple big faceplant failures when shaking up my life a bit, and I didn't even notice when I was emerging out of my rut and into a state of progression, but I can say that I've been back in 'the zone' for multiple years now, too. And now, some of my goals that seemed hopeless a few years ago, actually seem attainable now, too, albeit with continued progression and a ton of work. But when I get in 'the zone' on something, I am totally intending on doing tons of work; it actually feels good. Hoping that you can find that.

    If you ever need a bro to hear you out, just send me a message

    [–]Vulptex[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

    Well here's the thing. I know it's not just "a rut", because the others are already killing it when they're new to trying something. The difference is only that they all have these natural abilities that I don't. I'm not just "being hard on myself" because I'm simply trying to have fun, not win a competition or impress people; but I can't do that because I wasn't born with all the necessary gifts like literally everyone else.

    I understand that it's possible to improve. But you can only improve the skills you were born with, not gain entirely new ones. Even if I could do that, I'd still have to focus on one or two things at most, while they can do everything they want to all at once with much less effort. It all comes naturally to them, they have superhuman brainpowers. People who want material things or status or power can work hard and climb the ladder; but this has no chance of changing. It's a lose-lose situation: either I sit around all my life and do nothing and be bored forever, or I keep trying things and seeing again and again that I can't do them.

    Some power must really want me to live. I just found out I've been in stage 2 of psychogenic death for years now, in large part thanks to this. The normal prognosis for that condition is 5 weeks.

    [–]noice 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

    I'm not saying you're expressing this to have fun, to win a competition, impress people, etc. I think that you're expressing it because you're experiencing it. And it sucks. But yes, you are being hard on yourself, and you're clearly ascribing to others, traits that you wish you had.

    It is possible that it is just a rut. You don't know the future. I don't know your situation and won't tell you that your dreams are just waiting to manifest right around the corner. However I can objectively say that I could have typed some of the sentences in your reply, if you were talking to me 4-5 years ago. But today if I could talk to my past self, I would say the things that I'm telling you.

    There is a seductive aspect of misery, which can make it feel good to stay there in some very powerful ways. I hope that you will escape it though, because it really is just a siren song for more waves of torment.

    [–]Vulptex[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

    It's just not possible. The cult of toxic positivity won't let you say so, but even science recognizes this. It's 90% nature, nurture only does a little. You can sharpen or dull what you do have, but you can't change what you have any more than you can change your sex (which of course is yet another problem of mine).

    [–]JennyG 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

    Think positive focus on good things and you'll be fine.

    [–]Vulptex[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

    Toxic positivity as usual. That hasn't ever done anything for me but make things even worse. "Think positive" is just an excuse for when healthy people don't want to admit that there are others without hope, not everyone is as gifted as them.

    [–][deleted]  (4 children)

    [deleted]

      [–]Vulptex[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

      I am being rational.

      [–][deleted]  (2 children)

      [deleted]

        [–]Vulptex[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

        My self is contradictory. I like one thing but am built for another (if that, it's likely nothing at all).

        [–]bucetao6969 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (14 children)

        I wouldn't say 90%.

        If you can't get what you want, skill issue. Unless we're talking about a woman wanting babies from her own utherus but was born too poor to know anything. But basically anything not bound by time, skill issue.

        [–]Vulptex[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (13 children)

        A "skill issue" is almost entirely genetic. Everyone who shares my interests immediately starts out ahead of where I could ever reach after an entire lifetime of devoting myself to that specific thing. They also don't really make many mistakes or imperfections like I do, however small. The littlest they can do is what I'd consider "perfect" if I had done it.

        It's basically like this: https://i.imgur.com/BwbFjC0.png

        I am cursed.

        [–]bucetao6969 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (12 children)

        I get your logic.

        But it's more like this: https://ibb.co/BchkRZB

        The orange side represents the "what you make of it". Anyone can be happy by setting realistic expectations and thinking something like "altough orange is not EVERYTHING I wanted, it's a LOT of what I wanted, and that's fine enough to the point that I will be very happy".

        The fact your drawing represents the other person as something you can never realistically achieve on your life is a perfect "skill issue" moment.

        [–]Vulptex[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (11 children)

        It's a lot more like my diagram in my case. Everyone else starts out immediately ahead of where I could ever dream of being, and far more easily too.

        I know that's not normal. Like I said, I must be cursed or something.

        [–]bucetao6969 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (10 children)

        Yeah maybe you're one of the unlucky people who really have a lot decked out against them.

        But that's very unlikely. I mean, you still have internet access and is able to talk with us here.

        You know how to read and writte.

        Compared to a lot of people, you are still very privileged.

        [–]Vulptex[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

        And yeah, plenty of people are even worse off than me. What does that tell you about this life?

        [–]bucetao6969 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

        Hey it sucks, but it doesn't suck too much for you at least :) so the graph you sent me could be the graph of a starving child in africa, whereas you would be the privileged one on the graph. That's why you should learn to enjoy the little things even if times are hard.

        [–]Vulptex[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

        It does suck too much, and the fact that someone could be even worse off than me is not encouraging in the slightest.

        [–]bucetao6969 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

        I think people in the church talk about this a lot. It isn't encouraging per se but it gives hope for your own life when people worse off than you did amazing things.

        [–]Vulptex[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

        No one worse off than me in this regard has ever done amazing things. In fact not even anything acceptable. Because it's literally impossible.

        Also, churchy people tend to be some of the most hostile toward people with poor mental health, they usually blame us for it as well as blame us for our lack of talent. The church is run almost entirely by Satanists co-opting Christianity. They always preach the opposite of what their own prophet says, and the only thing they think is important is everyone marrying young and having big families with lots of kids where everyone follows gender roles to a T. The sheep fall for a lot of it. They tend to think everyone's lives are purely the result of their choices, and that luck doesn't exist, so if you have a lot of problems you must just be a lazy, bad person and don't deserve any support, only shame and punishment making your situation even worse than it already was.

        Ironically many of them are capable of love outside of church, but once religion comes up they grow cold and self-righteous. Still, they tend to make excuses to avoid facing the fact that some people just have bad luck.

        [–][deleted]  (2 children)

        [removed]

          [–]bucetao6969 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

          Found you edward

          [–]Vulptex[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

          The question is, when does life stop being worth living?

          If I'm fighting harder than I thought possible just to get through every day, and get next to nothing out of it except more misery, what's the point?

          There will come a day when I can't hold on anymore. It's a miracle that didn't happen years ago. Still, it's inevitable. I can't do this forever. I don't think I'll suicide, but if this continues I'll become more and more tired and demented, and there will probably be a day when I drop dead because I simply can't take it anymore.

          The luck is indeed horrible, but I don't think it's an accident. I think my whole life was planned out, and I wouldn't be surprised if all these other people are allowed so much talent and savantry for the sole purpose of tormenting me even more. All the powers and principalities are clearly ganged up on me, they're constantly organizing gaslighting and psychological torture operations for me. I was allowed some good when I was younger, but that was only so I now have full knowledge of what I'm missing out on. Everything I ever had, I only have so they can later take it away. They're sadists laughing their asses off at the neverending hell they've constructed for me, and I can even feel it, as if the universe itself thinks it's hilarious. It's all a big joke. And they have all the pieces elaborately placed, perfectly, to slowly drive me insane. Who knows why. Maybe they want a Darth Vulptex and think this is the best way to make me go that route, because I am about to explode with every negative emotion there is. I seriously hope that doesn't happen.

          [–][deleted] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

          The people who have hope without a heaven to look forward to have found a way to live without thinking, much like farm animals. But even they will have to face reality after everyone has to get a digital id connected to all your data.

          We are in a slave colony, but most people think they are free and celebrate having a career helping the rich man amass more property, and those who point that out are called communists, which is the high IQ theory that the government should seize all property and discreetly give it to the rich man instead.

          [–]Vulptex[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

          I shouldn't still be alive. I should've died from a brain spasm years ago. I could maybe tolerate this for one or two more years, but I have to make it many decades before this flop of a life is finally over.

          I wish I could give my body to someone else, because of course the ONE thing I don't care about, looks and attractiveness, just so happens to be the only area my genetics dealt me a great hand. Other people would kill to have that, but of course it's useless to me. Everything I actually care about, I literally just don't have what I need to engage in it. And hobbies like that are a major NEED for me; but something I'll never ever be able to satisfy. Not only that, but I'm getting worse and worse too. My brain feels like it's rotting, and I just feel exhausted and irritated and want to cry at all times. But I'm not allowed to talk about my problems or even admit that I have them, because that's not "positive thinking"! So I always have to make an excruciating effort to pretend everything is sunshine and rainbows because I'm not allowed to feel any other way, and if someone even suspects that I'm unhappy I'll be made to feel guilty and ashamed for feeling and thinking the "wrong" way about things.

          [–]hfxB0oyA 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

          Dude, have you been to a psychologist? If you find a good one (a licensed clinical psychologist, not a therapist), they really can help.

          [–]Vulptex[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

          Nothing could ever help me. If there's one thing even God can't do, it's helping me. I've seen many different people before, and none can help, because there's simply nothing that can be done to get me out of this nightmare. Before you say that's impossible, remember that many people were born in concentration camps in North Korea; your fate is absolutely NOT controllable.

          Besides, I'm not living on my own yet, so I have no way to get to a psychologist without people knowing. And other people can't know, or they'll harass me for needing one, because I "shouldn't feel this way", likely including the psychologists themselves. And one of my family members is too paranoid to ever let me go on any medication. And although I'm an adult, I and others in my family will never hear the end of it if we don't give in to their fears. Not that I think it would work anyway. It's just like HRT for trans people, you're only buying a little more time.

          The reason people are so hostile to people like me is because we shatter their rose-colored glasses that let them view the world as a wonderful place and life as a gift. They've convinced themselves that the only way it could become bad is if people "want" to be miserable. So when someone like me comes along and is unhappy, and absolutely nothing can be done about it, they feel threatened, and they don't like confronting the ugly truth they've been running away from. It's even worse with the people who want the best for me, because they can't handle knowing that I'm not doing well, so they go into denial and don't want me to disturb that.

          [–][deleted] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

          Yes, life is luck.