I am living absolute irrefutable proof that life is NOT "what you make of it"

submitted by Vulptex from self.whatever

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[–]Vulptex[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Well here's the thing. I know it's not just "a rut", because the others are already killing it when they're new to trying something. The difference is only that they all have these natural abilities that I don't. I'm not just "being hard on myself" because I'm simply trying to have fun, not win a competition or impress people; but I can't do that because I wasn't born with all the necessary gifts like literally everyone else.

I understand that it's possible to improve. But you can only improve the skills you were born with, not gain entirely new ones. Even if I could do that, I'd still have to focus on one or two things at most, while they can do everything they want to all at once with much less effort. It all comes naturally to them, they have superhuman brainpowers. People who want material things or status or power can work hard and climb the ladder; but this has no chance of changing. It's a lose-lose situation: either I sit around all my life and do nothing and be bored forever, or I keep trying things and seeing again and again that I can't do them.

Some power must really want me to live. I just found out I've been in stage 2 of psychogenic death for years now, in large part thanks to this. The normal prognosis for that condition is 5 weeks.

[–]noice 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I'm not saying you're expressing this to have fun, to win a competition, impress people, etc. I think that you're expressing it because you're experiencing it. And it sucks. But yes, you are being hard on yourself, and you're clearly ascribing to others, traits that you wish you had.

It is possible that it is just a rut. You don't know the future. I don't know your situation and won't tell you that your dreams are just waiting to manifest right around the corner. However I can objectively say that I could have typed some of the sentences in your reply, if you were talking to me 4-5 years ago. But today if I could talk to my past self, I would say the things that I'm telling you.

There is a seductive aspect of misery, which can make it feel good to stay there in some very powerful ways. I hope that you will escape it though, because it really is just a siren song for more waves of torment.

[–]Vulptex[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

It's just not possible. The cult of toxic positivity won't let you say so, but even science recognizes this. It's 90% nature, nurture only does a little. You can sharpen or dull what you do have, but you can't change what you have any more than you can change your sex (which of course is yet another problem of mine).