In light of two recent posts in which non butch lesbians described experiences we may or may not have, I wanted to finally share something I've been sitting on for a long time.

First of all, I have never hated myself for being masculine. I have never hated the fact that I am same sex attracted. I have hated how the world around treats me for these two facts. That discomfort, on top of extreme trauma and mental disorders, caused me to want to transition on and off for most of my life. The reason was never that I actually thought I was a man, or that I believed I can change my sex. It was because I wanted to be free to be myself and to disappear. I wanted to be treated like a normal person, not an abnormal woman.

Another thing I want to get out of the way is, for me, there is absolutely no benefit to appearing and behaving in a masculine way. In fact, it's quite the opposite. For every lesbian who's able to see me, I experience three homophobic incidents. For every woman who makes googly eyes at me, ten look at me like roadkill. I'm not saying it's not a difficult experience being an "invisible" lesbian, but it's absolutely not a privilege to be visible in most cases.

Just because I'm nothing like a man, doesn't mean I'm the opposite either. I have a lot of similarities to guys, and I'm not ashamed of that. I don't express some of them in the same ways, but I can feel it there. I'm tired of so many people categorizing us as either "might as well be a man" or "actually, butch lesbians are the more dependent type of lesbians." The truth is a lot more complicated, and it mostly has to do with the world around us than butches ourselves.

I find most of the ways non butch lesbians discuss us very infantilizing. It makes me feel removed from the agency I have without being in the context of men and sexuality. I appreciate support and representation, but I wish we would actually be handed the mic every now and again instead of having something like, science papers attempting to sum us up as the result of high adrogens in utero or some shit. Yeah, maybe there are biological factors, but our lives, personalities, views, and experiences are as varied as the general population.

We're people, so some of us suck and some of us are angels. But nearly all of us are under constant strain with disillusionment from masculinity and womanhood. I just want to get more insight out there and hopefully inspire more butch lesbians to share their point of view, regardless of however unpopular it may be.