When did you realise you were a lesbian?

submitted by CherryLatchmere from self.Lesbians

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[–][deleted] 18 insightful - 4 fun18 insightful - 3 fun19 insightful - 4 fun -  (46 children)

Have you slept with a woman? Since you have basis for comparison now, try that. I hear sex with dudes is pretty disappointing for most women. Lol

But to answer your question, I knew at puberty because I didn’t get crushes on boys despite having loads of guy friends who I got along with well. I would fixate on girls, but also feel quite different from them. I knew there was something there. I thought I just wanted to be “good friends” with them but my body started responding ways that were alarming and not in-line with my concept of friendship.

Edit: sex with a girl confirmed it for me.

[–]oofreesouloo 12 insightful - 2 fun12 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 2 fun -  (37 children)

I can relate a lot to this. My experience is very similar. Puberty hit and my body responded to women, never to men. And I was like "wait a minute, wasn't I supposed to feel this towards men???" 😂

[–][deleted] 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (36 children)

My life would have been much easier. Being a huge sci/fi, fantasy, and video game nerd, if I could have bonered for some dudes. But was not in the cards. Being “not like the other girls” was actually very lonely

[–]oofreesouloo 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (35 children)

Yes, I understand. My experience is quite "unique"?!? (I didn't want to use this word, but I don't what other word to use). I don't know. When I was a kid I only had guy friends, I was a tomboy until 9/10 years old but as I got older and older I gradually wanted more and more girl friends 'to relate to'. I always felt 'in the middle' somehow. I'm not exactly like the guys but I'm not exactly like the girls. I felt in the middle. When I realised my sexuality, LOTS of things came into place. Even when I was a tomboy, I was never a 'hardcore' tomboy. I've always loved having long hair and being a 'sensitive' girl. I just liked hanging out with guys. I don't know if I'm making much sense lmao.

[–]yousaythosethings 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

You are making perfect sense. That was me too. I liked hanging out with the boys when I was younger pre-puberty. I was tom-boyish but not full-blown too. But then when puberty hit, boys became really foreign to me and I actually lost interest in being around them. I felt like there was a wall up between us because they wanted something from me that I could not give and it felt like I couldn't relate to them anymore. I was late to accept that I was gay but it is a lot easier to interact with men now that I know that this is what the heck is going on with me. It makes it easier to say "hey I'm not interested and never will be because . . ." and sort through men who are actually interested in friendship. Also

Puberty hit and my body responded to women, never to men.

The body knows. I REALLY wish I had listened to my body instead of seeing it as a manifestation of anxiety and something to work on. It would have saved me a lot of time.

[–]oofreesouloo 2 insightful - 2 fun2 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

Omg, you really do sound a lot like me ahah. As I got older, I became more and more 'uninterested' in being with guys. I felt more and more alienated from them. The opposite happened with girls - I found myself more and more interested in being friends with them and started liking more and more women, in all aspects lmao. I went from thinking 'ugh girls are sooo boring, pink is so ugly' to 'OMG, everything girls and pink, and feminine things PLEASE' 😅 I don't understand myself sometimes XD but it was literally this. (By the way, I'm all for women breaking gender stereotypes, I just happen to be attracted to 'stereotypical' women and I just happen to enjoy 'stereotypical' things)

[–][deleted] 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (29 children)

Yeah, we really do sort of exist in that odd space between men and women when we are in mostly straight company. It’s definitely specific feeling shared by a lot of gay kids, it’s too bad it takes so long to realize it and be able to express it to others who understand. It made me feel dysphoria, even. The closest person to me that sort of understood was autistic. They know they are not really fitting into their social role well, but for them they don’t even know what that means sometimes, i pretty much knew what I was failing to live up to. It’s like being on the outside and looking in

[–]oofreesouloo 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (28 children)

Yes, you described it perfectly. As we are mostly in straight company many times, we feel in that odd space you describe. I still do on a daily basis. But the difference is that when I was a kid I couldn't understand why (I didn't even think much about it tbh) and now I do. It can be really confusing to young kids and teens feeling 'out of place' and not realising why. I've never felt dysphoria though. Despite me realising I was 'different', I've always felt a 'likable' person in general. So, I wasn't an outcast exactly, as in a 'freak'. Women never thought I was 'weird', men never thought I was 'weird' either. Women liked that I treated them in such a 'special' way and that I was trustworthy. Men liked that I had similar interests to them and that I kind of 'get' them in a way. This was me 10-13 years old. Then, I started to have less and less guy friends and practically only girl friends.

[–][deleted] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (27 children)

People would always like me, but they would make comments like “you’re weird.” I am not sure if it was from being gay or from being very smart as a kid. Being a smart kid is isolating. I just learned to act like a dumb class clown, it stopped me from getting made fun of because when you’re a funny idiot other kids feel good around you and don’t find ways to tear you down.

I went opposite to you when I hit puberty. I found it easier to chill with dudes after puberty because they can be pretty simple and I was so tongue tied with women. If guy friends are being arseholes you can just outright tell them to fuck right off and they DO. LOL. I couldn’t speak to women like that because I was soft toward them. I found it much harder to have close female friends until I met a real bitch, who was super straight, and she became my best buddy. I made another best female friend who was bi and that was really complicated because I think I was in love with her and tailed her like a super loyal attack dog that turned into a slobbering Labrador whenever she smiled at me. Ridiculous.

Sometimes I think men treat women less shitty than they do other guys because they feel softness toward them. Lol. I know we tend to write it off as basic sexism, but i honestly have such a hard time even getting mean words out toward a woman. It’s like I can’t get it out. An ex screamed at me and there were a million things I could have said that would have just crushed her and I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

[–]oofreesouloo 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (24 children)

Being a smart kid is isolating.

Yes, I also understand that, probably more than you might think lmao. My mom thought I was autistic as a child because when I was really a child I liked very specific alone activities such as puzzles, drawing, etc. And I paced around alone A LOT, really focused in my own thoughts (I still do this, which I find quite shameful to be honest, I never tell this in public lmao you don't know me so that's fine haha). She also thought that because when I focused on something, I reaaaaaally focused on it and once my primary teacher had to call me several times loudly in order for me to listen to her and I was so focused I didn't listen 😬 (my mom told me this, I don't remember). BUT I was really lucky because I happened to be in the best class in primary school. And the same people from my class there moved to the same middle and high school as me aaaaaaand we were the best class at those school too. The other students used to talk sh*t about us, that we were the 'cocky nerds'. The best teachers would choose our class too because of that. So, I had the luck to be around at least average or high intelligent people most of the time.

"I went opposite to you when I hit puberty." - Yep, based on what you've written you literally are the opposite lmao. Actually, I find you lucky that you can relate to guys easily... At least you have people to talk about women and girls with... I don't. I REALLY struggle to make guy friends, I just cannot understand them. On the other hand, it's REALLY easy for me to make female friends. So basically I'm ALWAYS around straight women OR gay guys. And that's another reason why I feel always out of place, I'm always the black sheep... Oh, and I do not have a problem telling a woman to f*ck off haha. I only have a problem with that IF I'm in love with that woman. When I'm in love, yes, I struggle A LOT to tell her to fuck off 😖

[–][deleted] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (12 children)

I never talked about women with men, and still don’t, because they think it’s an invitation to be gross and show me nude pics of tinder women etc. Be treated like “one of the guys” can be a disturbing glimpse into the straight guy world. Lol. They know not to do this with me, or I don’t chill with guys who act like that.

I find a lot of straight women to be very man-focused and I get bored around them. My eyes glaze over listening to it. If it’s general relationship stuff it’s fine, but lots of them complain about their boyfriends but never actually tell their boyfriends they are doing anything wrong. The guys I know talk about more subjects that are not about their partners so that’s easier to get excited about, for me. I think the way straight people are raised is just so odd. So many women seem to focus their entire beings on male approval so they almost don’t have as many interests sometimes. I can have a whole conversation about themes in film or video games or comic books with dudes and they don’t start talking about looks or their gfs. Lol.

I was in some gifted classes but quit because I didn’t want the other kids to think I was different

[–]oofreesouloo 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (11 children)

I never talked about women with men, and still don’t

Oh okay, my bad. In that case, I guess we're 'in the same page'.

I find a lot of straight women to be very man-focused and I get bored around them.

they don’t start talking about looks or their gfs.

You can say that about straight women, just as I can say a lot of straight men are very sports focused and only think about sex (at least in my country, this is the case for LOTS of straight men). For me, watching sports and/or hearing about sports is the most BORING thing on earth. Dude, I HONESTLY don't give a crap how many scores Jonathan Drew made, or how many home runs Michael Smith made. Despite me loving PLAYING sports, I HATE watching sports and/or talking about it (which is something MANY straight guys seem to fixate on and that I PERSONALLY think it's very dull)

So, this is to say - it depends on how you look at things AND what things you enjoy. I know plenty of interesting straight women. I know plenty of interesting straight men. But I also know plenty of boring boring/stupid/gross/dull people from both sides.

In my opinion, you're being unfair to straight women :P There are several straight women that I find very interesting and that have plenty of different interests and don't spend the time thinking about guys. It's true though that many tend to talk about guys once in a while, BUT I'm like that as well but with women. So I'm biased. I talk to them about my woman crushes. We're different.

Talking about looks might be boring and stupid FOR YOU, but for me it isn't. For me, going shopping buying some clothes is fun as hell. For you, it can be the most boring thing on Earth and a waste of time. I'm biased again, but you seem biased too :P

[–][deleted]  (10 children)

[deleted]

    [–]oofreesouloo 4 insightful - 2 fun4 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 2 fun -  (9 children)

    Dude you're a pace thinker too??

    I AM!!! You too? I'm a pace thinker especially with music. I can without as well, but 95% of the time I need the music. Are you this 'type' as well? 😂

    I must look like an insane person to a stranger.

    I knooooow! I'm so afraid to tell this if I ever get into a reeeeally serious relationship with a woman. I swear I'm not crazy! 😅

    [–][deleted]  (1 child)

    [deleted]

      [–][deleted] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

      Unless she’s really provoking me I just can’t. I don’t even yell. I had an ex who said I was terrifying when I am angry, but I definitely don’t raise my voice so I am not sure what it was.

      If some woman is threatening my friends or someone, I get physically in the middle, but don’t escalate things. It’s different anger when someone I care about is being threatened. If anyone ever threatened my niece I would lose it, but probably only then

      [–]CherryLatchmere[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

      Okay I feel I can relate to this. Only guy friends as a child - loved football, Pokémon, 'boy' books, all of that - but when I hit puberty I wanted girl friends to talk about deep stuff with, lol. I feel like I was emotionally sensitive, I just hated some stereotypically 'girly' things. I kinda wanted the girls to treat me like a boy, but not exactly?? I'm explaining it weirdly, but yeah, I think I know what you mean!

      [–]oofreesouloo 5 insightful - 2 fun5 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

      OMG, are you a COPY of me? Seriously? "Only guy friends as a child - loved football" - YES. "Pokémon" - YES. I'm crazy about Pokemon since childhood, I'm currently playing the new one - Sword and Shield - and I'm freaking 22 years old 😂 I have practically all pokemon games "'boy' books" - This one not so much. I liked 'boy toys'. For example, I HATED dolls, and liked cars.

      "but when I hit puberty I wanted girl friends to talk about deep stuff with, lol." - YEEEEEEEEEEES "I feel like I was emotionally sensitive, I just hated some stereotypically 'girly' things." - YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES "I kinda wanted the girls to treat me like a boy, but not exactly??" - YEEEEEEEEEES 😂 Exactly! I know perfectly what you mean!!! Like, I sometimes acted more 'masculine' and more like a 'gentleman' because I wanted women to treat me like they treat boys, but I didn't want to actually be a boy. I just wanted to be treated the way, in that special treatment, they treated boys 😂 When I realised I was a lesbian, I never acted masculine never again, because I realised I do NOT have to act masculine in order to have women's attention 😍 (I did it subconsciously)

      I think we're twins. 😅

      [–]CherryLatchmere[S] 1 insightful - 2 fun1 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

      Haha, that's crazy - we absolutely might be long-lost twins :D

      [–]CherryLatchmere[S] 10 insightful - 4 fun10 insightful - 3 fun11 insightful - 4 fun -  (7 children)

      I haven't! The most intense crush I've ever had was on this girl a few years older than me - I knew her from some mutual friends, and we got talking for a bit. We were out at the same bar together, and ended up kissing - it was like fireworks man, honestly lol. I was gonna go home with her but got dragged somewhere else with some of my friends (I regret going with them now lol) and I've just not had any luck/met any women since. Really need to get myself out there, I'm almost worrying I'm too old to be so inexperienced (I'm 21)

      I know what you mean about the fixation on girls, for sure

      [–]VioletRemi 12 insightful - 3 fun12 insightful - 2 fun13 insightful - 3 fun -  (0 children)

      21 is very young! I was near that old when slept with a women for the first time, after 3 years of marriage on a man. However, even just a kiss was enough to realize it is absolutely different than with man.

      [–][deleted] 8 insightful - 7 fun8 insightful - 6 fun9 insightful - 7 fun -  (0 children)

      Jesus Christ. You’re 21. Get it. That’s not old. Go get laid

      [–][deleted] 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

      I didn’t come out until I was 27. There is no set time to come out.

      It takes some of us less time and some of us longer to accept that we are lesbians.

      [–]yousaythosethings 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

      Go find that girl if you know her from mutual friends! You are not old in the slightest.

      [–]CherryLatchmere[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

      You know, I totally would...but she's married now!