Depression, Down Days and Dating

submitted by basetenprefix from self.Lesbians

I have been living with high functioning depression for about two decades now. I believe it stems from my early teenage years when a few things happened in succession, causing extreme alienation from my peers and family. There are few moments in my life I remember as vividly as the ones that seem to shape my self worth and my relationships today. It's daunting how something from so long ago can feel so fresh and hurt so much.

Outwardly my life appears pretty successful. Friends and family care for me. I graduated from university with several job offers in my last year. Financially stable, well beyond the mean in salary and savings. I seem to be well liked among peers. Yet most days I feel empty, unloved, lonely, and genuinely that I am never enough and nothing I do will ever be enough. Although there is no sense trying to answer "enough for what?" because I have no idea.

If I'm being honest, I want to be able to connect with someone who prioritizes me the way that I prioritize them, even if it's platonic. But that's selfish, and not the way to happiness because it relies on someone else to act in the way you expect them to. I've learned that expectations cause the most unhappiness.

I feel there is something substantial that changes inside of you when you hate yourself/who you are for so long without reprieve. I'm not depressed because I'm a lesbian, but hating myself for years after discovering that I was attracted to women shaped me in a negative way. When I accepted my sexual orientation, it didn't remove the self hatred, it just shifted to something else I didn't like in myself. That pattern was formed now and it just needed a new foundation.

I've been in several relationships with women whom I cared for very deeply. After the last one ended, I spent a lot of time self reflecting on my behavior and how that lead to the eventual (or seemingly inevitable) breakup and honestly it's made me feel like I should never been in another relationship again, even though I would like to find someone. Anyone I love enough to be with, I will find they don't deserve to be with me, because they deserve better. How can I care for someone in a healthy way, if I don't care about myself?

Not really certain where I was going with this. I'm a lesbian, so I posted it here, but I can appreciate if it doesn't belong. \I hate that despising being a lesbian plagued me for so long during puberty that I feel it stunted my emotional growth. Thought maybe some here could emphasize, I suppose. Not really looking for help or tips, just a down day. Or couple of them.

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[–]whateverman 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

How can I care for someone in a healthy way, if I don't care about myself?

You really can't. Or at the very least, you have to accept that sharing your life with someone comes with the fact that they have a say in what's shared between you. If you are depressed and don't value yourself, a caring partner would be pretty invested in helping you get through it. To stay together, doing all the things you need to do to cope and even recover would be a consistent effort on your part. It's even harder to do when you're single because the only person to be an active caretaker is you.

Your depression will keep you from what you want in life. It will keep you feeling disconnected from those that care about you. It will cause you to keep ending relationships and feeling lonely. I really empathize with this post and it really sucks that you've been depressed for that long. But if I were your friend, family or partner, I would push you to help yourself even more than you may already be doing no matter how hard it is to deal with mental illness. And if you told me how hard it was, all I would say is "yeah, it is" and keep rooting for you to keep going.

[–][deleted] 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Good advice, and it IS hard work. I spent 20 years depressed, easily. Now I rarely feel depressed. I never thought that it would stop, but it has a lot to do with perspective, and it takes a lot of work to change that. It’s scarier to change than stay the same.

[–]basetenprefix[S] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

You pretty much nailed it with "ending relationships and feeling lonely" because that is how it usually ends up. I completely agree with what you're saying. Thank you for your reply.

[–]carrotcake 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Your post reminded me of myself so much that i created an user just to say a few words to you. I'm so sorry that you feel this way. I've struggled with depression for as long as i can remember and sometimes i feel even worse for being high functiong because nobody sees it. I too am pretty successful with studies, friends, dating etc from the outside. I believed so much in the image i created for myself that a partner had to tell me i was really depressed for me to realize it. At the time i started therapy because of him, because i really wanted to make the relationship work. I tried really fucking hard not because of me, but i got lucky that my therapist was good and that my medication worked. In the long run i realized that we didn't work and now i see that we never would because i was trying so hard to be bisexual and not admitting to myself i was a lesbian. Anyway. The important thing here is that i would never have done it for myself. I hated life so much that i didn't believe i could get out of this, ever. I still don't think i would have done it without that extra push. The relationship was crappy, i didn't feel happy and the fact that he was a man made my depression even worst. But he was the push i needed to try so fucking hard to get better. I guess that's ironic bc i kinda got better because i had so much internalized homophobia and fear but oh well. I know you don't want to hear advice so maybe that enormoys rant was not that bad, but I'm giving a little advice anyway. I agree with you, you probably won't be able to have an 100% healthy relationship unless you like your life just a little bit (but you can have good enough ones). I also believe that therapy doesn't work unless you really really want it to and you really commit to it. But maybe you'll find a reason to commit to getting better. Maybe it's within yourself or maybe it's an external stimuli just like it was for me. If you do get that feeling, please please seek help. With a good therapist, a lot of trying and the right meds, it is possible to live a fulfilling life. I hated living with every ounce of my body, and i could do it. I believe in you. It's hard as fuck and at first i got worst. But keep going. I hope one day you'll be able to feel a little bit more at peace with yourself. I feel like a self help book right now so i should stop. Sorry for writing so much.

[–]basetenprefix[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Interestingly enough it was also my partner that pointed out I could be depressed and urged me to seek therapy to help. At her request I signed up, did the screenings, and went into the two month long waiting list. In the end he started mentioning that perhaps I didn't want to have as many sessions, and eventually, any at all, because I seemed to be fine. He did help though, especially then.

Please don't feel like you wrote too much, I read every word. I enjoy other people's perspective. It's not so much that I don't want advice, but more like I was not specifically asking for any, if that makes sense. I've read a lot of books, tried a lot of exercises, went on medication, etc.. It was better for a while until I had a near burnout at work a little over a year ago and it felt like I was starting over from zero.

Thank you for your reply, I appreciate it.

[–]yousaythosethings 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Hugs to you! I just wanted to let you know that I relate and you’re not alone. I don’t know the details of your background but the fact that you talk about distant pain feeling so fresh makes me think that you could be undergoing some kind of trauma response/experiencing emotional flashbacks as a result of PTSD or CPTSD (complex ptsd). I have the latter and got diagnosed unexpectedly and resisted the diagnosis at first but it fits. I am also high-functioning (fancy degrees, high-paying job), but I do swing into depression and struggle with self-worth.

I also had many years of isolation from middle school through high school that stunted my emotional growth and ability to form relationships, and it’s the main reason it took me so long to come to terms with being gay. It was the elephant in the room I didn’t want to acknowledge, unpack, or deal with because I lacked the emotional support, self-esteem, and clarity of mind. I also assumed that the way I felt (or rather didn’t feel) toward boys/men was just a manifestation of my anxiety. But after working on my anxiety and every other issue in my life I had to face the fact that I just wasn’t attracted to men and that my thoughts about women weren’t intrusive thoughts or what straight girls experience. It ended up being a relief because I always viewed my discomfort and blankness around men as another thing that was wrong with me and that I needed to fix.

[–]basetenprefix[S] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Wow I relate so much to your second paragraph. It really feels like late middle school and high school just stopped me completely. It took years to recover. And then years to start growing again. In all honestly, it feels like a decade of my life just halted. I was trapped inside my own mind and my own feelings and I couldn't move past any of it. Not only did I avoid being same sex attracted, I also pushed myself in all the wrong directions trying to convince myself otherwise.

I am not sure about the diagnoses, I'd likely have to go see a new therapist and open up properly about everything, but I appreciate you sharing, thank you.

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[deleted]

    [–]basetenprefix[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    I'm so sorry :( I can only imagine what it must be like to have something ontop of depression.

    [–][deleted] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (7 children)

    You can’t care for someone in a healthy way if you hate yourself. If you really think women you love deserve better you are correct in one way, and wrong in another way.

    They DO deserve better than loving someone who hates themselves, but it’s shitty to decide that FOR them. What’s keeping these women with someone who hates themselves? Clearly they are not perfect either.

    When you’re in love with someone who tells you deserve better, it’s mostly because they don’t want to make the effort to BE BETTER, or don’t know how, and just hope you’ll stick around for it.

    Don’t be that person. You deserve better than feeling that way about yourself, and you have a choice to work toward changing how you feel, otherwise you will never feel worthy of love.

    [–]basetenprefix[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

    Thank you, I appreciate your words and perspective. I also agree with it all. During my good days I put the work in, but on down days, I just lack the energy or care to even try. I definitely don't hope they stick around, in fact I typically end up leaving, which I know isn't any better. Not sure if I can explain it, but when I have so much emotion revolving around someone, it makes it that much more difficult to maintain steadiness. It's like I go into emotional short circuit. It's frustrating.

    [–][deleted] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

    Sounds like trauma. Like attachment problems/intimacy problems. An interesting book I read was “attached” which explains attachment styles. You’re leaving before they leave you, maybe. The real learning curve is to stay and sit through how scary it is to live a different experience than the one that confirms you’re “broken” and “unloveable,” which is what leaving and being left do. Maybe it seems like a relief to end something but then you’re back with the same story about yourself

    [–]reluctant_commenter 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    Just wanna say I really appreciate that you mentioned attachment problems, because I've been learning about attachment disorders recently and it's really blown my mind with how relevant it is. I'm glad there is such a variety of posts in this group, it's cool to see topics like this come up. :)

    [–]basetenprefix[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

    Oh thank you, I actually really love book recommendations. It's true, at a certain point I admitted to myself that I was causing the events to unfold how I wanted them to, to prove that I was broken and unloveable, those words exactly. Especially the broken part. I will give the book a try!

    [–][deleted] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

    I hope it helps you feel less broken. Such a crappy word to call oneself, I mean, we have all probably been there, but the idea of being broken and unloveable is not even our own story about ourselves, but one that was given to us when we were young.

    [–]basetenprefix[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

    Hey, I know it's been a little bit, but I just wanted to reach out and say thank you. TL;DR: Your recommendation ended up being extremely helpful in what I found when I looked up information.

    I haven't read the book yet ("Attached") because it's still on hold at the library, but I decided to look up some YouTube videos in the meantime. Ended up on a channel that explains it in a really understandable way and took the test she offered. I scored as a "Fearful Avoidant" which speaks a lot to me. During one of the videos, she mentioned the word "limerence" which I had never heard before, so I looked it up. Turns out it's pretty much exactly what I am going through and the main reason why I feel depressed again lately. It has given me so much clarity over the last few days, it's helped me a lot. I have a lot of work to do, but it feels good knowing I'm seemingly heading in the right direction. So thank you.

    [–][deleted] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    I am so glad to hear it helped you. No problem!

    [–]reluctant_commenter 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

    I don't have anything wise to say, but I relate to this a lot. I have some long-running mental health issues due to trauma, and while I would really like to be in a relationship, I am worried that if I got in one right now, my own issues would subsume the relationship, or take up so much of my time that I couldn't even focus on the relationship. Which is really frustrating, because I don't know when my symptoms will significantly lessen in severity. It's depressing to think that I will probably be single for the next few years at least (unless someone totally fantastic comes along).

    I don't know about you, but one thing I REALLY struggle with is: imagining that someone could actually care enough about me to be okay with dating someone who has significant mental health issues. Because I have grown into being able to articulate what my needs are, in that regard, but now I'm afraid no one will ever have the patience to put up with that / date me as someone who is very particular about that. Baby steps, lol.

    edit: might delete this comment later, I'm a little worried about getting doxxed on saidit.

    [–]basetenprefix[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

    No worries about deleting, I understand completely. That fear stops me from posting a lot.

    I struggle with that as well. I don't understand how someone could possibly care that much about me and I am bad with articulating emotions. Since my last breakup I have spent a lot of time reading about recognizing feelings and putting them into words, and have tried to practice with the friends I care about the most. Thank you for sharing.

    [–]reluctant_commenter 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

    That's exactly where I'm at-- practicing with friends. You seem like a really thoughtful person, and I respect that you're putting the time and energy in to thinking about these things. :) Best of luck to you.

    [–]basetenprefix[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    Thank you! Best of luck to you as well :)

    [–][deleted]  (1 child)

    [deleted]

      [–]basetenprefix[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

      A black hole is a really good way to explain the feeling. Or the lack of feeling. An emptiness that sucks in anything positive. And then when you do feel, it's just sadness or anger, or both. The most difficult part is coming to terms that there is no "fix", especially for someone so oriented towards pattern finding and problem solving. I approach all my hurdles and goals with a plan A, B and C and actionable items. But there doesn't seem to be a plan to follow for this, at least none that have worked so far.

      I like your idea of just letting it go without judging or assigning meaning. Thank you.

      [–]beereadit 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

      At your request I'm not going to offer any tips or advice, I read your post entirely and I can empathize with your struggles, life is certainly not easy to navigate and some painful incidents can have a big impact on us but that's life and everyone have their demons.

      Good luck for the future, I can only wish you the best.

      [–]Innisfree 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

      Thank you for sharing. I suppose i just want to say you are not alone, however cliche it may sound. Of course I can't know what you've been though but so much of what you describe is what I feel myself. Again thank you for sharing, in a way I had my down day today as well and coming across your post helped me look at what I've been feeling afresh.

      [–]basetenprefix[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

      Thank you for your kind words :) and I am really glad that it helped! Sometimes we just need to know that others are sharing our experiences and it lifts the loneliness a bit. Even if temporarily.