Coming out vs "passing"

submitted by notdelusionalbased faggot from self.LGBDropTheT

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[–]OPPRESSED_REPTILIANIntersex male | GNC | Don't call me "a gay", "twink" or "queen" 10 insightful - 2 fun10 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 2 fun -  (19 children)

I just find it funny that people who want to "pass" so badly, don't, and those of us that can "pass" really don't care. I have passed for female many times. Genetic disorder, not trans. Honestly it's mostly annoying since people treat me like shit both because they think I'm a girl, and then when they find out I'm actually a guy (and proceed to get mad that androgynous people exist)

I also disagree that "coming out" is necessary, and I think a lot of gay people use that for clout/attention too. Usually the very privileged ones who have never been in any financial, social, etc danger yet make some huuuge deal of "coming out" like it's LIFE CHANGING when... honesly probably no one gives a shit and if you are able to share that information with social media clearly you don't have anything to fear. I'm glad to be "closeted", this is my private business, no one needs to know and I gain nothing positive for telling everyone. Plus I don't want to come across as a self absorbed moron by doing so.

[–]notdelusionalbased faggot[S] 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (9 children)

Coming out is necessary if you want to have a fulfilling social life.

[–]OPPRESSED_REPTILIANIntersex male | GNC | Don't call me "a gay", "twink" or "queen" 4 insightful - 2 fun4 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 2 fun -  (8 children)

How so...? I'm "closeted" and I doubt that my social life would get any better. It's not great right now but that's mostly due to depression and not meeting people. But if I "came out" publicly I could risk the friendships I already have.

[–]basetenprefix 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Personally speaking, I have found that I can never actually be close to anyone unless I'm out to them, because I constantly fear what you just stated: "But if I 'came out' publicly I could risk the friendships I already have." It was important for me to trust that my friends were truly friends because they knew me and who I was. Not the same for acquaintances or coworkers, who's opinions don't affect me as much, but friends yes. Can you have a fulfilling social life with people if you fear that they will leave you once they know the truth about you?

I don't see a reason to "come out" in some performative, grandstanding way, but privately, to people who you trust to care for you, I think is important.

[–]OPPRESSED_REPTILIANIntersex male | GNC | Don't call me "a gay", "twink" or "queen" 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I don't think friendship is reliant on "accept everything I do or we cant be friends." That's unhealthy, and very much like TRA "cancel culture" and shaming. If I'm friends with someone it's because they are fun company to be around and I trust them, not that they agree with me 100%. In fact I'm somewhat upset that some of my friends are a bit too "woke" in regards to homosexuality, but I digress.

Can you have a fulfilling social life with people if you fear that they will leave you once they know the truth about you?

You absolutely can - just simply by hiding that truth. I've never found it hard to do so, and I'm a sex addict. As long as you're careful it's quite hard to get "exposed"

[–]notdelusionalbased faggot[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

It applies to people who are capable of having a fulfilling social life.

[–]OPPRESSED_REPTILIANIntersex male | GNC | Don't call me "a gay", "twink" or "queen" 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

How so? Explain please.

[–]notdelusionalbased faggot[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Bruh... really? Being open and truthful with people is a required part of building meaningful relationships.

[–]OPPRESSED_REPTILIANIntersex male | GNC | Don't call me "a gay", "twink" or "queen" 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Not for something that sensitive/inappropriate. I mean my friends don't typically tell me all about their sex lives... nor do I want them to.

[–]notdelusionalbased faggot[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

The topic doesn't have to be about sex for someone to know you're into guys.

[–]OPPRESSED_REPTILIANIntersex male | GNC | Don't call me "a gay", "twink" or "queen" 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Well, I don't date guys, so SFW dating talk isn't going to come up either. If dating does come up, I usually leave it at "I'm single". If they push and outright ask me if I'm gay I just deny it

[–]BiHorror 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (8 children)

Can I ask you something? Sorry if it seems intrusive but you're intersex correct? There's this trend with TRAs saying it's possible for intersex women (not "trans" but someone born actually female) to be born with a penis and vice versa due to some intersex conditions... How true is that? Jw becuase they always bring shit up like that to try and prove a "point" for their ideology and I'm not sure if they're talking about an actual (fully functional) penis or ambiguous genitals that look similar to males'.

[–]OPPRESSED_REPTILIANIntersex male | GNC | Don't call me "a gay", "twink" or "queen" 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

It's half true. Or like... 25% true.

There are XX individuals who end up male, and XY individuals who end up female. However, they are not "men with vaginas" or "women with penises." These disorders are rare and complicated, and they are pretty much always considered their outward sex, and treated as such. In most cases, you wouldn't even be able to tell they aren't normal by looking at them.

It's also possible for an intersex person to be born with "ambiguous genitalia." This does NOT mean "having both sets of genitals" - it's more like an in-between mix, and one or both "sides" will be underdeveloped.

It is not possible for a person who is otherwise physically female to develop a penis, or for a male to develop a vagina instead. It is possible for a male, aka a penis haver, to develop in a way that ends up with them LOOKING female... which is basically what happened to me, but they are in no way "a woman with a penis."

[–]BiHorror 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Okay, thanks! I figured it was as you were a saying but I just wanted to be sure becuase the majority of ones I meet (even those who have claimed to be intersex themselves) would say something among the likes of that. Like, for example, there was an intersex woman (?) I met who said they was born with everything on the inside female (ovaries, womb, vaginal canal, etc.) but then turned around and said they had a VERY similar sex organ to a penis (no vaginal opening either) and another who transitioned becuase they "felt more female" due to being intersex. So, kinda got me confused alongside the whole using intersex conditions as a prop to prove some point.

[–]yousaythosethingsFind and Replace "gatekeeping" with "having boundaries" 7 insightful - 2 fun7 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

You will probably appreciate this from Zach Elliott, which debunks the points made in 'Stop Using Phony Science to Justify Transphobia' in Scientific American: https://threadreaderapp.com/thread/1280971658719789060.html

[–]BiHorror 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I read it and thanks! It was interesting to see someone go against that "phony science..." article.

[–]kwallio 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Honestly the wikipedia article on intersex disorders is very informative: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disorders_of_sex_development

One thing that is interesting is that the article has info on how common some of these are, for example xx males are incredibly rare, like only 200 total have ever been counted. People are using these incredibly rare (and sometimes debilitating) disorders as a gotcha in a debate which to me is pretty despicable. Another thing I gleaned from this article is that intersex is not a third sex, usually people are either intersex male or intersex female, true hermaphrodites are not known in humans. Sex is not actually a spectrum, the ones that don't fit 100% are rare.

[–]notdelusionalbased faggot[S] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

These people know they've got nothing when they resort to rare exceptions as an argument. It's like bringing up that some people could be born with one lung.

[–]kwallio 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

They are all arguing in bad faith, its ridiculous and no one seems to care.

[–]BiHorror 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I did read the wikipedia's description on it but was kinda reluctant on trusting it (due to it being wiki and people being able to edit). But yeah, I agree with you 100% on it being despicable to use intersex as a gotcha. Another I always seen thing use were women with infertility conditions or how homosexuality used to be in the DSM (those, tras, who are trying to get GD removed from it as well).