Difficult post: child abuse, deviant behavior in my own family

submitted by Greykittymomma from self.GenderCritical

I don't know if this belongs here feel free to delete. I post here because I trust critical thinkers and this post involves sex abuse, pedophilia. I just wanted to warn you ahead of time.

I often wondered who was making all this cp we heard was making the rounds from a certain subreddit that I won't name. I found out it was someone I was related to.

I don't know the details for sure that the acts he performed were circulated but the fact they exist at all blows my mind.

My mom said it was "all the porn he watched" but not all people who watch porn commit sex crimes.

So what makes a monster then?

I am looking for answers. I know most of these monsters are men but women are often involved or ignore what's happening.

I want to help my young family member who was brutalized. She is under the age of 13. We think her abuser is "in love" with her. I can't believe I am related to such a person.

This is very new so more information is bound to surface. I learn more horrible details by the day.

I worry this will impact every relationship in her future. I worry she will hate being a woman because of this abuse. She is just becoming a woman and she has already been violated in the worst way by someone she trusted.

What the hell do I do now?

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[–]censorshipment 6 insightful - 7 fun6 insightful - 6 fun7 insightful - 7 fun -  (3 children)

Hmm don't really know what to say. My family loved the pedo men who molested all 7 of my maternal grandmother's daughters... daughters who consider themselves feminists and love men so much.

My mom was abused by her eldest brother for years... she stopped him from molesting me once, and he never tried again. They were pretty close. Before he died, she visited him and made sure his final months weren't gloomy. She braided his hair before his funeral and kept some of his hair. Such odd behavior for a second-wave feminist who raised me to never trust men. How could she forgive and love a man, her brother, who repeatedly raped her? She told me about the abuse when I was a pre-teen... and I had to hide my hatred for him. Why in the fuck are little girls taught to do that? Why are little girls taught to be nice and respectful? I didn't want to go to his funeral, but my mom begged me to go. Her other brother molested their youngest sisters, and I was begged to go to his funeral as well. It's very sickening that rape/molestation is considered forgivable.

[–]TheOnyxGoddess 5 insightful - 2 fun5 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

Because of the concept of "family". They'd probably condemn males who do the same thing, but if it's their own family, it's a different story. My life experiences has made me prefer "friends" over "family", at least they're more likely to respect your boundaries. How ironic that I would likely end up seeing "good friends" as "family". I prefer to be treated like a "good friend" than "family. I'm not so sure what you mean by "love men so much", but I'm guessing you're talking about sexuality and I'm saying this saying this in case you are, you can still be a male hater while being straight, at least your dating standard is going to be pretty high. You're a misandrist if the thought of "male" brings up some pretty violent feelings you want to commit against a male, not out of justice, but anger and sadism.

Edit: Wording

[–]Greykittymomma[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I feel this way about friends and family, so true.

I get it, it is more difficult to imagine a loved one committing these crimes but the crimes must be condemned. I will never forget or forgive after discovering the extent of this abuse.

[–]Greykittymomma[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Sorry that happened in your family. This has certainly brought up many conflicting feelings in our family.

This abuser will likely be put away a very long time. There is terrible evidence accumulating. It is heartbreaking but at least the evidence means he will never be allowed near her again.

[–]WildApples 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

My God! I am so sorry for you, your family, and especially the young girl. That is a horrible nightmare. I cannot imagine.

I do not want to minimize the trauma in any way, but this sense of victimhood does not have to define her either. In trying to gather information of my family history, I interviewed each of my parents about their childhoods and was shocked to learn for the first time that each of them had been molested as kids. While I am sure it affected them on a deep level, it did not hinder them from forming healthy adult relationships or having healthy relationships with children. The victim's subsequent course in life is not set in stone as a result of the violation, and I hope that with you and your family's support, the young lady will find a sense of resilience. I wish you all the best.

[–]Greykittymomma[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you that is helpful. I know others who have been through this too but it always helps to hear more encouragement. She is a strong young woman and we fully support her and want to focus on the future and making her feel safe again.

[–]one1won 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

We think her abuser is "in love" with her.

THAT'S NOT LOVE. I can't emphasize this enough.

Probably fixation, opportunity + entitlement, lust, etc., but NOT love.

A dear friend relayed to me her own experiences with familial molestation. She expressed the "weirdness" of having family get-togethers with her abusers present and nonchalant. It affected her innerself deeply. She felt more distant from family members she did care for, because they insisted ALL the family must be present. Please don't support pressuring the girl to attend such functions for anyone else's sake, if the girl doesn't want to attend. (Mom, cousin Sue, or whom ever, can see the girl another time, if the monster is going to be at the gathering. I don't get families supporting abusers, myself.)

I'm putting out thoughts of healing and support to the girl, yourself, and others who would safeguard the girl from the monster, and help her "own" her boundaries, self worth, and importance in this world.

[–]Greykittymomma[S] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Luckily it seems like the monster is facing a lot of time and won't be able to see her ever again.

I totally agree it is not love but fixation that is the terminology he apparently used which makes it so awful.

I worried about how much I could get involved because I am related to the abuser by blood by not her so I want to support her but of course the situation is complicated. She also had trauma before this happened so I already was careful to respect her boundaries.

[–]one1won 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I'm so sorry this has happened. It must be very difficult.

Has the girl obtained a permanent No Contact Order, also? Even if the abuser is incarcerated, he may still attempt to contact her, especially if he's claiming "love". Women who're done with a man*, just want the man to "go away", want to have Nothing more to do with him.

Best wishes, as this unfolds.

(*Edit. This is poorly stated. I hope you can infer my true meaning.)

[–]Greykittymomma[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

That is good info about the No Contact Order I will pass that along thank you.

[–]TheOnyxGoddess 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

Call CPS. Spend some time around her and encourage her to move in with you if you can afford to support her (emotionally and financially). She should not be forced to be around these people. If you can, be the relative that she can go and depend on. You don't even have to just be there specifically to support her as she's dealing with the abuse, you can just be there to suppprt her as a person (shelter her, feed her, listen to her, advise her, comfort her for all of her problems, it doesn't always specifically have to relate to abuse, it can be school related troubles). When she becomes an adult, she will look back at these memories and think of the ONE person who didn't just support her, but also made her feel "human" and feel like there is a place to return to. She does not need to feel that the people who have abused her or force her into the presence are the same people who also supported her in other areas of life (e.g. bullying), it's a horrible feeling. I was a hypersexual toddler and I was sort of groomed, and I got raped. My brother beat up the rapist and years later I had to deal with narcissistic psychological abuse from him. I think my father masturbated in my bed when I was sleeping when I was just a pre-teen. My older sister is not as narcissistic but she has done some narcissistic harm to me and she secretly hates me, but yet I feel that I owe a lot to her because she is the ONLY one who cared enough to watch out for my learning and monitor my enotional and physical well being at the cost of her childhood. When I look back, I feel "human". She had to sacrifice her childhood because our own NPD mother kept abusing my older sister. The end result: I hate my family, if given the chance to reincarnate, it would not to be this family and the people who I had shared and experienced a lot of difficulties in life, they might as well stab me in the back because I regret going to them for help, I regret being worried about failing to help them when I was a teen. There's a lot of complexities to my feelings. My family has done so many extremely admirable things to help the family or to help me, but also some extremely shitty things, whenever I think about it, I think "Greek Gods" or "Greek Heroes", they have some extremely amazing achievements, but their flaws are really unforgivable, there's really no in-between of their extremes.

The point is be in your relative's life, she will remember a person who did not abuse her and treated her properly without the crushing emotion that this same person whom they have come to love and respect so much is horrible and hate them and live with the confusion of whether to kick them out of their life or not.

Edit: Wording

[–]Greykittymomma[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

We would love to take her in but we aren't technically related to her (she was adopted and I am related to the abuser)

I will be checking in to make sure she is ok. I just wish she didn't feel guilty about getting her abuser in trouble. She is such a sweet kid and she still respects or loves him I guess. Poor thing I can't imagine going through that, I know even if she feels conflicted it isn't her fault.

I am sorry about your experiences thank you for your comment.

[–]TheOnyxGoddess 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Great, tell CPS (and maybe the adoption agency, do they do check-ups on adoptees?). It may not just be guilt over getting her abuser in trouble, she might feel guilty about potentially creating a rift in her (adopted) family, I should know. When I told my immediate family members I was raped, by someone of the extended family I created a massive rift, that rift is still there and thankgod because they are terrible people. My older brother may have NPD and I suspect that maybe he doesn't love me as a sister, but he beat up the rapist and outright made sure the rapist's mum (who use to physicallly abuse both my sister and him) stay away from this family by threatening to beat her up. My mum still loves her younger sister, which is unfortunate. Any emotional turmoil they feel, if they share it with others, especially people who care, they will feel guilty over making people (e.g. you) feel some sort of emotional turmoil (even if it's a different type of emotion). It is actually a very uncomfortable feeling.

However, if she does end up in your care, take care of her but also make sure to watch out signs she is emotionally manipulating you, sometimes people use victimisation to get out of trouble and unfortunately there's been people who do that.

Edit: Spelling

[–]Greykittymomma[S] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

CPS is involved and hopefully I can talk to them directly. She was examined and is beginning therapy next week.

We have been trying to tell her we love her (well her guardian since we haven't spoken directly yet) and that she is welcome to visit us when she is ready. The abuser did threaten that we wouldn't believe her and all that terrible stuff. Hopefully the therapy helps her process everything and share with us when she finds the words.

[–]TheOnyxGoddess 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

That's good. I wish her luck.

[–][deleted] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I'm so sorry. I don't have words for what you're going through or any advice but, stay strong.

I worry this will impact every relationship in her future. I worry she will hate being a woman because of this abuse. She is just becoming a woman and she has already been violated in the worst way by someone she trusted.

This really stuck out to me. Your young family member will always have women who support her, and she has such a great ally in you.

[–]Greykittymomma[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you that means a lot.