I peaked after dating a trans girl and need advice on how to leave

submitted by lunemoonjune from self.GenderCritical

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[–]moody_ape 20 insightful - 6 fun20 insightful - 5 fun21 insightful - 6 fun -  (7 children)

she doesn’t have a job. She’s not in school. She lives off her parents entirely and she’s almost 30

i feel personally attacked by this. delete it now.

just kidding, hahah. well, i'm jobless and live off my parents too and no matter what i do, it seems i can't change my situation. my life sucks and i'm over 30. yes, i know. fucking loser, right? that's why that line grabbed my attention in a special way.

jokes (and regret for my past decisions apart), i'm sorry that you have been through this. this person sounds quite unpleasant to be around. the lack of hygene and will to make any changes, the previous eating disorder, the self loathing... all of this makes me think this person has depression, which is not uncommon, specially considering their trans identity. it's very, very difficult to deal with depressed people and you've made it clear that you care about this person although you can't keep the romantic/sexual relationship for obvious reasons.

my opinion is: you can't save people from themselves and you can't put your well being last because you care about someone. irrespective of the situation (trans or not, depressed or not), break ups are always difficult and they hurt. it's inevitable. even when both people can't stand each other, the break up will be hard and people will suffer. then they'll feel relieved. that's the cruel truth. so all you can do is accept this reality and face the challenge. you'll be called a transphobe if you tell the truth, and probably if you lie too. you'll be called selfish and worse. but you know you are none of those things. and if you decide to lie to avoid negative consequences, i won't judge.

i'm really sorry that i can't hug you and give you an easy solution. i wish i could do that, i wish i could give you all the support you need... but i cant. you have to be strong with this. you can't be responsible for other people's happiness if it makes you miserable. you have to break up with this person and go on with your life hoping they'll go on with theirs. maybe some day you'll meet again and be friends, maybe they'll get help with their mental health and they'll get better. but for now, you must prioritize yourself.

[–]lunemoonjune[S] 18 insightful - 1 fun18 insightful - 0 fun19 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

I honestly don’t care too much about her being jobless or living at home except how it affects me. She has always had someone to buy her food and clean up after her, and I have taken up the role in place of her mother. I don’t think you’re worthless for not having a job or living with your parents (everyone’s situation is different) but I mention it because it’s a strain on me as I am essentially her provider.

Thank you for your support. She is depressed as well, which doesn’t help, and I feel awful contributing to anything that would make her sad. But I need to do it for me. And for her too, she still she deserves love and I hope she finds it. But I know it won’t be with me and unfair to us both to keep on like this.

Thank you again, your words were kind and helpful (:

[–]jelliknight 20 insightful - 1 fun20 insightful - 0 fun21 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Apologies in advance to moody_ape if she's reading this and feels attacked ;)

Some people feel depressed for a damn good reason. Depression isn't always an inexplicable mental illness. If I was 30 and had never achieved anything, didn't know how to take care of myself at all, and made everyone around me miserable, I'd be depressed too. Sometimes feeling bad is a GOOD thing, it motivates us to do better. If he hadn't been coddled so much and prevented from feeling bad he probably would've done something to fix his life by now. It is NOT your responsibility to prevent him from feeling the natural outcomes of his own actions.

You go swimming, you get wet. You spend 30 years dependent on your parents and a lesbian you coerced into dating you while retreating into a fantasy land, you get depressed. It's not your job to dry him off. He's an adult. He can figure it out.

[–]moody_ape 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

i'm glad i could help. don't worry about what i said regarding my own situation. it's something that bugs me 24/7, but i'm not that sensitive to what people say on the internet. i meant everything as a joke hahaha

i'd love to hear an update on the situation after it gets resolved if you feel comfortable sharing. good luck and take care!

[–]Cass 14 insightful - 1 fun14 insightful - 0 fun15 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

just kidding, hahah. well, i'm jobless and live off my parents too and no matter what i do, it seems i can't change my situation. my life sucks and i'm over 30. yes, i know. fucking loser, right? that's why that line grabbed my attention in a special way.

I think that we are just at the beginning of the economic crisis and we will see more and more people in your situation.

[–]moody_ape 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

well, i left my old job a long time ago to study because i couldn't manage college and work. turna out i've chosen a career with no real opportunities (or maybe i'm just incompetent). so technically, i've been in a personal crisis for years now. considering the current economic situation, i'll remain in my personal crisis. tough life, i guess.

[–]jelliknight 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

no matter what i do, it seems i can't change my situation. my life sucks and i'm over 30.

Baby steps, darling, baby steps. We get to start fresh every day.