I peaked after dating a trans girl and need advice on how to leave

submitted by lunemoonjune from self.GenderCritical

Hi all. I shared some of my story in the old subreddit but I’ll summarize. Basically I was cool with trans everything until I (a lesbian) started dating a trans woman. She let me know she was trans before the date but I was naive and assumed she had surgery (because surely lesbians don’t have dicks) and nope, she has a dick. So I dealt with it for awhile, it was mostly okay, but I broke up with her a couple of times because I couldn’t handle it. But stupid lonely attached lesbian that I am, I started dating her again. And you guys. I cannot with the dick.

Dicks are gross. Kinda feel like I should not have to state that as a lesbian but here we are, 2020. She scratches it sometimes and doesn’t wash her hands and it grosses me out. She wipes it on my sheets after sex (which we haven’t had in a month because I just can’t anymore) and it’s gross. Every time we are cuddling and I feel her dick it’s FUCKING GROSS. Never again. Never. Again. Why was I such a kool aid drinking idiot.

While I’m ranting here, she has terrible hygiene. I have to bully her into showering every day. Then she showers and puts on the same dirty clothes she’s been wearing for three days and NO. That’s not how it works. She’s obsessed with her looks, insisting she is manly and gross and needs makeup and dresses to feel feminine. Which she doesn’t have, by the way, because she doesn’t have a job. She’s not in school. She lives off her parents entirely and she’s almost 30. She has no desire to change any of this.

Now for the sad stuff. Any attempt to tell her she is any way attractive is met with immediate dismissal. She can’t go a day without verbally abusing herself. Everything that matters to her is passing as a woman. Her worst fear is someone pointing out her birth sex. She’s obsessed with her weight (previous eating disorder). She agonizes constantly whether she is woman enough to even step out of the house and doubts herself at every turn.

I’m exhausted. I have to end it, but how in the hell? I can’t even hint that it’s the dick - that would destroy her. And I mean that, someone close to her telling her that her genitals matter? It would traumatize her, and I can’t do it. And if I can’t be honest with her, what am I supposed to do? I consider honesty second only to kindness, am I going to have to lie to her? God I don’t know if I can stomach lying to someone I love but that’s exactly what I’m doing by continuing to date her.

I’m sobbing over this, I don’t know what to do, and my support system has been chased away and had their voices taken from them (because men just love doing that to us don’t they). I’m lost, and I could use some help without being called a disgusting transphobe. This is the only place I can think of to go.

I’m sorry if this is incoherent and also because mobile but I could really use some advice ladies. Please, if you have the time. Thanks.

all 60 comments
sorted by:
new (suggested)
topinsightfulfun

[–]yishengqingwa666 5 insightful - 2 fun5 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

"She she she she she her her her!" NO. HE. HIM. That is a male.

And you are not a lesbian if you are fucking men. You DO NOT HAVE TO FUCK MEN. Ever.

[–]catawampus 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Like the other comments, I would definitely focus on the problematic points of their behavior and hygiene and state that the two of you are simply incompatible with each other.

Regarding the loneliness, maybe you could catch up with some friends, learn a new hobby, or join a club, something that would help you socialize and build new friendships. Maybe joining a discord or participating in a socially distanced yoga class or whatnot.

[–]Sebell 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

You don't "owe" anyone an explanation when you break up. You definitely need to have someone on your side in real life - you don't have to tell them why either, just that you're going through a rough patch and breaking up.

Women are socialized to care for others - to our own detriment. You have to put yourself first. A partner isn't someone who needs a care taker. A real partner is a give and take relationship, each of you looking out for each other. You're describing a one-sided relationship - that's enough reason to get out, even if you were bisexual and the rest didn't matter.

[–]onesundaymorning 7 insightful - 2 fun7 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

I cannot with the dick.

I'm dead, lol.

[–]luckystar 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

What is up with all the rude replies in this thread???

OP might have better luck over on Ovarit. I cannot believe that people here are seriously trying to call her bisexual or gaslight her further. Young lesbians nowadays are told they have to accept TWAW and accept the girldick; OP is struggling now with the disparity between TRA woke speak and material reality. That doesn't mean she's bisexual, it means she was the victim of homophobic conversion therapy passing itself off as "trans rights". She obviously isn't into men, and this man in particular is pretty horrible. She's using female pronouns because publicly (at least in progressive circles, especially among younger people) everyone will treat you like garbage if you don't "respect people's preferred pronouns". We can explain to her that it's okay to use biologically accurate pronouns here, not just shame her. If she can't get acceptance here where can she?

[–]SameOldBS 2 insightful - 2 fun2 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 2 fun -  (2 children)

This person is a messed up narcissist who will suck you dry, emotionally and probably in a whole lot of other ways. She is openly manipulating you. Stop feeling guilty, put yourself first, tell her it just isn't working and WALK AWAY. Go no contact, and get on with your life.

[–]yishengqingwa666 5 insightful - 2 fun5 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

*Him. That is a man.

[–]wecandobetter 9 insightful - 3 fun9 insightful - 2 fun10 insightful - 3 fun -  (6 children)

Oh my god. Just break up with her the way you would with anyone. Say, 'I don't feel this relationship is working out, I'm unhappy, we're just not mentally/emotionally compatible, goodbye and good luck'. You don't need to explain or defend anything. And then mean it this time.

[–]yishengqingwa666 4 insightful - 2 fun4 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

Him. Men are called "he" and "him" in reality.

[–]LeaveAmsgAfterBeep 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Reading on codependency might be useful. You say kindness is most important to you after honesty, but you are being cruel to yourself and have not valued honesty for months.

There is a reason someone goes so vastly opposed to their values, every time, even if the reason doesn’t make sense to them at the time or to others. What are you afraid of? I am sorry, you didn’t cause the bigger issues but you can help yourself move forward, I don’t mean this as blame. He is responsible for his own behavior above all.

Wish you luck, you deserve happiness and peace.

[–]RedditVihaaLesboja 19 insightful - 1 fun19 insightful - 0 fun20 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I want to point something out that no one else has mentioned yet: when you break up with him, it is very likely he will threaten to harm himself/commit suicide. It's manipulative, unhealthy and emotionally abusive to do it, don't fall for it. You are not the one who has to make sure he doesn't do anything to himself

[–]penelopekitty 17 insightful - 1 fun17 insightful - 0 fun18 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Being "nice" and "inclusive" and unwilling to speak the truth is what got you into this mess in the first place - it's not going to get you out. You don't owe this person anything. They add nothing to the relationship and they are not a woman or a lesbian. They are a very disturbed heterosexual man.

Block and delete and move n with your life. I also suggest you learn how to enforce boundaries and stop buying into the libfem bullshit. Lesbians don't like dick, by definition.

[–]sorry_MrWest_is_gone 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

you don't have to give a reason, just say that you can't do it anymore and stop talking to her. you and your mental health need to be your number one priority

[–]jelliknight 52 insightful - 1 fun52 insightful - 0 fun53 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Why are you still saying "she"? "she" couldn't possibly wash "her" cock because "she" wouldn't have one. It's time to start unbrainwashing yourself. You're dating a man child. They're super common. You are not responsible for his self esteem or for building him up. It's his choices and actions that brought him to this point and its only his actions and choices that can help him.

You need to think about how this will affect you. If you're honest about the fact that he's a man and you can no longer abuse yourself by submitting to a relationship with a man, what's going to happen? Is he going to tell everyone and get you blacklisted in your friends group? Try to get you fired for being a 'bigot'? While I'm the type to generally say what I think and roll the dice, there are genuine consequence for you to consider here. He also may be a bit unstable. Do you live nearby? Does he know where? How easily can you cut off communication?

I think your best option is to

A) You need to be really clear in your own mind that you're not looking for behavior change, because he will try to negotiate his way back into a relationship with you. If you would stay with him if he behaved differently then there's a different discussion to be had first. But if you just don't want to be in this relationship any more, then honestly the fewer details the better. This is not what you want, the end. "No" is a complete sentence.

B) Reconnect with the support system you cut off. Start today.

C) Pick a good time, when you will be apart for a while, and break up right before it.

D) Be clear but give few details. You've realized you two are not good partners and you don't want to be in this relationship any longer. It's not any one specific thing, and you're not asking him to change. You would like to stay friends (if you would) but you want to take a few months apart without contact first so you can both heal and move on.

E) Just in case it comes up, threatening to kill himself if you do or don't do something is an abusive tactic and your response should be "I'm sorry you feel that way, I'll alert the appropriate services" and walking out of the house while calling the emergency line. A man who's desperate enough to harm himself is desperate enough to harm you too. You didn't mention anything like this, but i recognize the pattern.

F) do not contact or allow contact for a few months. That will just give him hope that you can rekindle something as you have before, at a time when you are both adjusting.

A relationship must be a PARTNERSHIP. Two horses pulling one cart. If one of you is doing all the pulling that's not a relationship, you're the parent to a 30 year old baby.

[–]aldoushuxleyghost 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

This is the advice I would give, except don't stay friends. Block and ghost off if you can. Remember you don't own him an explanation for why you want out of the relationship. All you owe him is "It's over, and good bye."

[–]tea4two 29 insightful - 1 fun29 insightful - 0 fun30 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

This post is the winner, OP.

If you give any details, he will try to negotiate. That's what always happens and it'll get harder and harder to extricate yourself without looking like an asshole and hurting his feelings even more. Meet him in a neutral place you can leave fast, tell him the relationship has run its course, if he ask why, use the good old "it's not you it's me" then GTFO and cut off all contact.

My only disagreement is that even if you would like to stay friends, I couldn't say it. It'll sound like a chance to stick around and rekindle the relationship and unfairly gives hope. Better to cut it all off and reopen the lines of communication later.

It sounds harsh but it's much kinder than reading him the riot act about not being clean or making it about his dick.

[–]jelliknight 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yeah i should be clearer about that. If OP wants him as a friend thats up to her (I wouldn't, he seems toxic as fuck) but even if she does she really needs at least a few months of no contact after the break up.

[–]kwallio 14 insightful - 1 fun14 insightful - 0 fun15 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

1) You don't need a reason to break up with someone 2) you don't owe anyone an explanation. You don't have to tell her anything, just say its not working out and you're breaking up and thats it.

He sounds disgusting, what a toad.

[–]greenish 24 insightful - 1 fun24 insightful - 0 fun25 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

You say being kind and honest are core values to you, but do you think this person has been either kind or honest to you? Have you been kind or honest to yourself? Looks like you are starting to be honest, but maybe not kind still. You need to give yourself a break and recognise the relationship dynamics. This is a male person, expecting kindness from you, a female person, and relying on your emotional labour and putting him before yourself, while not reciprocating at all. At some point when this is over, expect to be angry at how you were coerced and taken advantage of. This person is not innocent of that, it's not a mistake.

[–]jet199 20 insightful - 3 fun20 insightful - 2 fun21 insightful - 3 fun -  (0 children)

You don't ever need an excuse to break up with someone. Just walk

If they want a reason tell them you can't deal with a narcissist.

[–]IAmSatan 14 insightful - 1 fun14 insightful - 0 fun15 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Tell him the truth that you're not in love.

[–]emptiedriver 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

The truth is, it's not the dick - if they chopped it off tomorrow that wouldn't solve everything, right? There are plenty of other reasons.

but I broke up with her a couple of times because I couldn’t handle it. But stupid lonely attached lesbian that I am, I started dating her again.

You know how to do this. Just do it, be clear, and don't drift back.

[–]tuesday 33 insightful - 1 fun33 insightful - 0 fun34 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

It's not your job to be his mom. Your job, your only job, is to take care of you. It's one thing to have sympathy and compassion for a friend who's going through a tough time or working though difficult issues, but it's completely a different thing for a lesbian to be involved sexually with someone with a dick and to act as support human for someone who's self destructive and dragging others with them merely because you can't say no.

That's really all this amounts to. You need to practice saying no more often. Practice until it rolls off your tongue without a second's hesitation anytime someone demands that you do something that is really really awful for you. Practice until you just don't give a good god damn. Cos you actually do not need a reason to say no other than, "this doesn't work for me".

"No, this isn't working. No, we can't stay together. No, there isn't any one particular reason. No, I don't want to talk about it right now. I wish you the best, whoops look at the time, gotta run". Then ghost him. His feelings are not your job. Maintaining his emotional equilibrium is not your job. Drying his tears is not your job.

Personally, if it were me, I would not mention his dick because he'd probably have a never ending mantrantrum and sic all his flying monkey friends on you. (look up narcissism and flying monkeys if you don't know what that is). I also wouldn't be sucked into some long drawn out conversation. You do not owe him that, especially if he takes that opportunity to lay on the guilt and gas lighting. Say no, it's been fun but now it's not and it's time to move on.

And then do something nice for yourself, because saying no is hard the first few times and you should treat yourself as a reward for ejecting him from your life. You cannot move forward into the wonderful happy life that you deserve until you stop dragging the dead weight of a relationship that is over.

Happy days are ahead, look forward to that!

[–]OrangeFirefly 36 insightful - 1 fun36 insightful - 0 fun37 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

This isn't a healthy relationship. You wouldn't stay with a woman like this - you shouldn't be guilt-tripped into staying with a TIM. By staying you are treating this person differently from a woman (which is transphobic and not what they would want, right?)

I'm not sure if you should bring up their anatomy in the break up. I don't believe that we as a society should be participating in the collective delusion of men who think that lesbians should be attracted to them, but you do have to think of your own safety. If you think this person might get violent over the fact that you don't like their penis, you can omit that bit.

Quite frankly you have enough reasons to break up with this person. The depression, insecurity, lack of hygiene, lack of job - none of this screams 'great catch', does it? How long do you want to put up with this? If you don't break up with this person now, what do you think will happen?

[–]Cass 11 insightful - 4 fun11 insightful - 3 fun12 insightful - 4 fun -  (0 children)

I'm sorry you're in so much anguish, but this is absolutely hilarious.

Just say that you are going through some stuff and you need to be single atm, then cut contact.

[–]writerlylesbian 92 insightful - 1 fun92 insightful - 0 fun93 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

What's with all the 'she'? This person is a male. A male who isn't even trying very hard to 'be a woman' from the sounds of it. (Not that any amount of 'effort' can result in someone magically changing sex anyway). This person is gaslighting you, making you have sex you don't want to have as a lesbian - heterosexual sex that involves interacting with a male person and their penis - and you are worried about this person? Really? I can promise you this person is not in any way worried about you or your wellbeing.

Don't even get drawn into explaining and reasoning with this person. No matter what it will end up with you being accused of being transphobic. Just don't give them the opportunity. Just say, it's not working, it's over. Block this individual every way you can and go no contact. That's it. That is your solution.

[–]oofreesouloo 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Preach

[–]our_team_is_winning 29 insightful - 2 fun29 insightful - 1 fun30 insightful - 2 fun -  (4 children)

What's with all the 'she'? This person is a male. .... making you have sex you don't want to have as a lesbian - heterosexual sex

Thank you! I was closing this post in disgust. Thought I'd wandered into a Libfem site. Sorry to tell the OP, but she is bisexual now. I'm not convinced this is a legit story (?)

[–]Feather 23 insightful - 1 fun23 insightful - 0 fun24 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

If she hates sex with this person but forced herself anyway, that's still not bisexual. She's clearly got some problems that prevented her from leaving the situation earlier, but I think a lot of women have forced themselves to have sex they didn't want, and it's wrong to suggest that having sex you don't want defines who you are.

[–]NDG 64 insightful - 2 fun64 insightful - 1 fun65 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

OP is obviously in a very rough place emotionally right now. Your response is that her post disgusts you and that you’re going to define her sexual orientation for her?! Geez, with “women supporting women” like these...

I can completely believe this is a real story. It’s a classic case of a woman getting into a bad place because someone took advantage of her unwillingness to hurt their feelings.

[–]writerlylesbian 86 insightful - 1 fun86 insightful - 0 fun87 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

There are plenty of young lesbians who have been/are being gaslighted into dating these, quite frankly, predatory men who proliferate throughout LGBTQ spaces. OP may well be one of them. Being a lesbian who has been manipulated into practising conversion therapy on herself does not make her bisexual. She's still a lesbian if she's only attracted to women, i.e. biological females.

[–]LesbiSilly 5 insightful - 2 fun5 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

YES! I almost dated a transgirl, because I liked him as a person. But he asked me out all of a sudden and I thought, "hey. He might not have a dick." But my next thought was, "what if he does? What do I do?" Then I panicked for 3 days and didn't go on the date.

[–]NeedMoreCoffee 30 insightful - 1 fun30 insightful - 0 fun31 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

For starters don't be entirely honest. Just tell them you don't feel happy. That you don't want to waste their time. That you need to be alone and figure out what you want in life. Those aren't lies.

Do it near their house. Be short but kind and leave and cut all contact.

You tried. You can't destroy yourself because someone elses mental issues.

good luck.

[–]3MistersAndAMissy 12 insightful - 2 fun12 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 2 fun -  (2 children)

maybe don’t mention the penis. It’s just my opinion but I think that might really hurt her but you know her better. It’s something that wouldn’t keep you there even if she got the SRS.

Nobody can say you are transphobic for breaking up with her since you were willing to date her knowing in the first place. It’s nobody’s business unless you want it to be anyway.

Just tell her that it just isn’t working for you anymore. You just don’t click and don’t see it going in the direction you want it to

Life is hard but if she can’t handle a breakup that is even more reason not to attach your cart to this horse. She probably can btw

My abusive high school boyfriend threatened to kill himself if I broke up w him. (I was suddenly brave bc I was across the state). I told him I certainly didn’t see a future and kids with someone too weak to handle life and that if he was going to kill himself over a hs breakup then it was just a matter of time before he offed himself for some other reason. I didn’t think he meant it. I’m not proud I said it though but he stopped using that one.

I really do wonder if she isn’t manipulating you in some way you may not see till later. Disrespect to your sheets by wiping with them. Knowing showering is important to you but making you ask. Covertly guilting you into staying and you feel like it’s coming from within you, etc

[–]yishengqingwa666 5 insightful - 2 fun5 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

He. Him. That is a man.

[–]penelopekitty 15 insightful - 1 fun15 insightful - 0 fun16 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

It's a man, he not her.

[–]BewitchedSam 35 insightful - 1 fun35 insightful - 0 fun36 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

It doesn't sound like her penis is your only problem with her. It sounds like you're also frustrated with her self esteem and lack of long term goals. While these issues appear interconnected, most people want to be with a partner that has long term goals and cares enough about themselves to take care of their basic needs. If you are concerned that if you make her penis your reason for breaking up, I would suggest changing focus. You need someone who loves themselves, you need someone who takes care of themselves and you need someone that wants to work towards a future. While it seems you do care for her she can't give you what you need right now. You know more about the situation than I do so leave it up to your own discretion as to whether or not you want to leave things open for discussion IF she were to change. I think if your concerned making the breakup about her transness would be triggering then don't make it about her transness there are very clearly other issues in your relationship that are grounds for breaking up. Would you date a natal woman who has to be reminded to take care of herself, has no goals or ambitions, and no self-esteem? I wouldn't.

[–]penelopekitty 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

He

[–]lunemoonjune[S] 29 insightful - 1 fun29 insightful - 0 fun30 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

No, you’re right, I wouldn’t date a natal woman with these issues either. I guess I’ve just been dealing with it so long it didn’t seem like a real reason for breaking up. I’m starting to see that it is though, and the more I talk about it the more I realize how much it bothers me. Thank you so much for your support!

[–]Eurowoman24 15 insightful - 1 fun15 insightful - 0 fun16 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Hun, us on the sane side of the fence know what a lesbian is woman+woman, vagina+vagina, you should not have to feel guilty about not liking dick, it's a male organ! (Sorry I've had people try and manipulate me into this kind of thing as a het woman and it's frustrating). Anyways you're not attracted to them physically, they have disgusting hygiene habits at 30 years old they're not independent from their parents and have no desire to be. You see like a really kind person, but you deserve a fully functioning adult woman, if transness wasn't a factor most people wouldn't put up with everything else you've mentioned. You need a partner not a child.

[–]BewitchedSam 12 insightful - 2 fun12 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

I'm glad to be of help to you. I wish you the best and hope that you are able to find someone that can meet your needs and bring you joy.

[–]moody_ape 20 insightful - 6 fun20 insightful - 5 fun21 insightful - 6 fun -  (7 children)

she doesn’t have a job. She’s not in school. She lives off her parents entirely and she’s almost 30

i feel personally attacked by this. delete it now.

just kidding, hahah. well, i'm jobless and live off my parents too and no matter what i do, it seems i can't change my situation. my life sucks and i'm over 30. yes, i know. fucking loser, right? that's why that line grabbed my attention in a special way.

jokes (and regret for my past decisions apart), i'm sorry that you have been through this. this person sounds quite unpleasant to be around. the lack of hygene and will to make any changes, the previous eating disorder, the self loathing... all of this makes me think this person has depression, which is not uncommon, specially considering their trans identity. it's very, very difficult to deal with depressed people and you've made it clear that you care about this person although you can't keep the romantic/sexual relationship for obvious reasons.

my opinion is: you can't save people from themselves and you can't put your well being last because you care about someone. irrespective of the situation (trans or not, depressed or not), break ups are always difficult and they hurt. it's inevitable. even when both people can't stand each other, the break up will be hard and people will suffer. then they'll feel relieved. that's the cruel truth. so all you can do is accept this reality and face the challenge. you'll be called a transphobe if you tell the truth, and probably if you lie too. you'll be called selfish and worse. but you know you are none of those things. and if you decide to lie to avoid negative consequences, i won't judge.

i'm really sorry that i can't hug you and give you an easy solution. i wish i could do that, i wish i could give you all the support you need... but i cant. you have to be strong with this. you can't be responsible for other people's happiness if it makes you miserable. you have to break up with this person and go on with your life hoping they'll go on with theirs. maybe some day you'll meet again and be friends, maybe they'll get help with their mental health and they'll get better. but for now, you must prioritize yourself.

[–]jelliknight 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

no matter what i do, it seems i can't change my situation. my life sucks and i'm over 30.

Baby steps, darling, baby steps. We get to start fresh every day.

[–]Cass 14 insightful - 1 fun14 insightful - 0 fun15 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

just kidding, hahah. well, i'm jobless and live off my parents too and no matter what i do, it seems i can't change my situation. my life sucks and i'm over 30. yes, i know. fucking loser, right? that's why that line grabbed my attention in a special way.

I think that we are just at the beginning of the economic crisis and we will see more and more people in your situation.

[–]moody_ape 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

well, i left my old job a long time ago to study because i couldn't manage college and work. turna out i've chosen a career with no real opportunities (or maybe i'm just incompetent). so technically, i've been in a personal crisis for years now. considering the current economic situation, i'll remain in my personal crisis. tough life, i guess.

[–]lunemoonjune[S] 18 insightful - 1 fun18 insightful - 0 fun19 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

I honestly don’t care too much about her being jobless or living at home except how it affects me. She has always had someone to buy her food and clean up after her, and I have taken up the role in place of her mother. I don’t think you’re worthless for not having a job or living with your parents (everyone’s situation is different) but I mention it because it’s a strain on me as I am essentially her provider.

Thank you for your support. She is depressed as well, which doesn’t help, and I feel awful contributing to anything that would make her sad. But I need to do it for me. And for her too, she still she deserves love and I hope she finds it. But I know it won’t be with me and unfair to us both to keep on like this.

Thank you again, your words were kind and helpful (:

[–]jelliknight 20 insightful - 1 fun20 insightful - 0 fun21 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Apologies in advance to moody_ape if she's reading this and feels attacked ;)

Some people feel depressed for a damn good reason. Depression isn't always an inexplicable mental illness. If I was 30 and had never achieved anything, didn't know how to take care of myself at all, and made everyone around me miserable, I'd be depressed too. Sometimes feeling bad is a GOOD thing, it motivates us to do better. If he hadn't been coddled so much and prevented from feeling bad he probably would've done something to fix his life by now. It is NOT your responsibility to prevent him from feeling the natural outcomes of his own actions.

You go swimming, you get wet. You spend 30 years dependent on your parents and a lesbian you coerced into dating you while retreating into a fantasy land, you get depressed. It's not your job to dry him off. He's an adult. He can figure it out.

[–]moody_ape 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

i'm glad i could help. don't worry about what i said regarding my own situation. it's something that bugs me 24/7, but i'm not that sensitive to what people say on the internet. i meant everything as a joke hahaha

i'd love to hear an update on the situation after it gets resolved if you feel comfortable sharing. good luck and take care!

[–]Climblikeabee 67 insightful - 1 fun67 insightful - 0 fun68 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

"Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm" comes to mind.

I have mixed feelings because lesbians SHOULD be able to say (to anyone) that dicks are disgusting to them, despite the gender ID of the person it belongs to. Sexuality/attraction is based on sex, and you aren't obligated to pretend otherwise.

However, since you asked for specific help on how to end things without bringing up sex, we can focus on other problems. An almost 30 year old unemployed mentally ill person is not fit to be in a relationship with you or anyone else. They need therapy and help and support that you can not/are not obligated to provide. There are so many red flags in your post but ultimately you are not happy, and it is unfair to both of you to continue in this relationship.

[–]lunemoonjune[S] 28 insightful - 1 fun28 insightful - 0 fun29 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Thank you, that’s a good point. I didn’t see it that way because I’m so focused on the trans thing but there are plenty of other things. Appreciate your help.

[–]Climblikeabee 27 insightful - 1 fun27 insightful - 0 fun28 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Of course. Wish you all the luck. Please end this for your own happiness and wellbeing and don't allow them to gaslight/manipulate you.

We have to push back against these dynamics (trans "lesbians" pressuring lesbians specifically, into dating them, claiming transphobia etc). You aren't disgusting or transphobic for only being attracted to women (adult human females).

[–]MonstrousRegiment 19 insightful - 1 fun19 insightful - 0 fun20 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yes, since you are in the center of the "trans" storm, just set that aside for now. This person has needs that you can't meet, and vice-versa, and that's enough reason to end it.

When I was ending my marriage and felt so guilty about leaving this person who couldn't take care of himself, a friend said to me, "sometimes there's only room for one person in the lifeboat." And that is so true. You're not obligated to save anyone at your own expense, even if you could, which you can't.

[–]babystud 31 insightful - 1 fun31 insightful - 0 fun32 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I literally made an account just to tell u that u need to rip the bandaid off. Be honest with why you are leaving cause clearly no one else is around to provide him a reality check.