LifestyleHow to people tend to react to finding out you’re gay or bisexual? What about when you first came out?

submitted by yousaythosethingsFind and Replace "gatekeeping" with "having boundaries" from (self.LGBDropTheT)

I think we all know that coming out is a frequent, if not constant, thing for most of us. Do you tend to be open about being gay or bisexual in casual conversation where it would come up organically or do you try to avoid mentioning it unless you know someone well? What kind of reactions do you tend to get? What about the different reactions you got when you first came out to people close to you? For me the word “proud” and “pride” is super uncomfortable in this context, so I really cringed at the use of that word with respect to myself.

My favorite reaction is always “oh cool” and then conversation proceeds as before. I do understand that most people are really caught off-guard by learning I’m a lesbian, so I try not to begrudge people their initial reaction because they’re unprepared and awkward about it. I also can be kind of awkward about it myself because I’m very private about it and sometimes it kind of just has to come out as relevant during casual conversation, and so I may end up acting weird and evasive.

I’m in a liberal area and I’m not conspicuous, so I can easily hide it from the people who are the most homophobic. So for me, the most annoying reactions I get are:

  • “Wait really? Like actually? Are you sure you have no attraction to men?”

  • “Well how do you know for sure?”

  • The stereotypical straight male reaction of assuming I’m lying to get rid of them.

  • “You don’t look like you would be gay.”

  • “Does this mean you’re into manly women?“

  • “Now that you mention it, I totally see it.” Um k?

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[–]chazzstrong 15 insightful - 2 fun15 insightful - 1 fun16 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

I don't do the 'coming out' thing, because as I like to say, I don't base my personality around my sexuality. It's one of those things you find out about me as you get to know me more, such as what toppings I like on pizza or what my favorite horror movie is. However I also don't hide it. If any of them ever ask, I'll tell them. I've got a pretty goofy personality, too, so sometimes people never know if I'm joking or not, and I'm fine with that too. Fucking with people is something of a hobby of mine, and I'm pretty good at it, so it all works out for me.

What I love most is when someone finally sorta deduces it on their own, or they hear me talking about it, and they do that stare into the past where they remember things I've said or done that, at the time were innocuous, but now in the broader context probably should have clued them in earlier. It never ceases to make me laugh.

[–]Shadow_Lurker 10 insightful - 2 fun10 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

Even though I'm still closeted myself, I know colleagues who are, so keep in mind that I'm going to respond based on what I could observe from their experiences:

Do you tend to be open about being gay or bisexual in casual conversation where it would come up organically or do you try to avoid mentioning it unless you knew someone well?

Most gay people that I knew tend to be not the types to go around screaming "I'm gaaaayyy". Even the ones you can clearly guess that they are gay/lesbian don't self-declare as such because of how awkward it can be to just vomit this information at random when people can already clearly see.

It's people who define and treat them as different, not they themselves.

What kind of reactions do you tend to get? What kind of reactions do you tend to get? What about the different reactions you got when you first came out to people close to you?

These ones I can't respond, because closeted. Still agree with your points though...

For me the word “proud” and “pride” is super uncomfortable in this context, so I really cringed at the use of that word with respect to myself.

At least it wasn't "brave and stunning", so there's that!

The most important thing about being "uncloseted" is not to scream at the top of our lungs about how gay we are, but to be able to live a life free of the burden to pretend to be people we are not. It's not about the asspats or "validation", but the ability to true to ourselves.

This is what puzzles me about twitter queers: most of them declare that spaming about how gay they are is a declaration of freedom, but in reality this is nothing but a lie. Is not society that is imprisoning them this time, but themselves...a prison built in the constant need for validation and the reminding that "yes, you are brave and stunning and everyone agrees with this".

[–]fuck_reddit 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I just kinda go with the flow. I've adopted the general rule of not telling unless necessary or pertinent, mainly to avoid becoming an "I'm SOOOOO G A Y" person. There are times where I just get a vibe that it's not the right time/place so I avoid the topic. Typically, I'll just say something casual like "oh my ex-bf liked that." Something that makes it a normal part of the conversation but people don't typically miss. My favorite reaction is "Really? I thought you were straight" mainly cause for the first five years of my coming out, everyone would say "I already knew" and that really pissed me off and reduced made me feel exposed. The "oh cool" reactions tho are close second, just cause it's so nice to see how chill about it people have become in so short a time.

[–]OPPRESSED_REPTILIANIntersex male | GNC | Don't call me "a gay", "twink" or "queen" 7 insightful - 2 fun7 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 2 fun -  (2 children)

I don't "come out", I keep it secret so if anyone finds out, that's usually a bad sign in itself. However I am very androgynous so people tend to assume I am gay out of stereotypes.

Most people are very rude and they will not ask questions, but make sweeping assumptions like I'm "submissive" in sexual relationships to other men, or that I engage in certain sex acts.

Usually, my issue is pretending NOT to be gay. So it gets bad when I deny I am gay and then people say things like:

"But you LOOK gay, you're too girly to be straight" "But you give off bottom twink energy" (the fuck does that mean?) "But I'M gay and I have GAYDAR so I know you are gay and I can tell you are precisely 90% into males and 10% into females" (Yes, a guy really said this to me. And it is inaccurate too.) "Aww sweety you don't have to lie to me it's okay I accept you" (fuck off) "You have internalized homophobia" (also fuck off)

Basically a lot of mocking, fake positive, condescending crap that's a hundred times worse than "you're a sinner," they think they're soooo in touch with me and so woke by calling me shit like "bottom queen" or "twink" like it isn't offensive and talking about random "gay culture" references I know nothing about. And whats worse is that I never tell anyone, except my close friends, that I am gay. So they assuming based on LOOKS and that alone gives me a reason to keep it secret.

Plus it's absolutely no one's business, as far as I'm concerned this is a personal issue. I do not date men and I don't participate in "gay spaces" so I have nothing to gain from "coming out."

[–]yousaythosethingsFind and Replace "gatekeeping" with "having boundaries"[S] 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I agree that it’s a personal issue and that we should be allowed to be as out or not as our as we want to be.

I totally agree with detesting the “Aww why didn’t you think you could tell me?!” reaction when people find out other than from me. It’s weird that people don’t get how invasive, self-centered, and infantilizing that feels. Again, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt in how I respond to an awkward initial reaction but it does bother me when people act entitled to know because they’re woke and “such good allies.” They forget we’re individuals with our own lives, wants, and needs. Not props to shine a light on how virtuous they are or for them to measure how gay we seem based on how much we adhere to their stereotypes.

[–]reluctant_commenter 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Again, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt in how I respond to an awkward initial reaction but it does bother me when people act entitled to know because they’re woke and “such good allies.”

Jesus, couldn't have said this better. It bothers me how this is used as a trope or as an example of "caring". For example, "I'm so hurt you didn't tell me!" from a "protective mother" is supposed to signal love. But when the emphasis is on that person's offense or hurt feelings at not being told, it's making the whole interaction about them. The only thing I take away from that is that that person has a severe inability to see the perspective of the gay person, or even just see them as a person.

[–]BiHorror 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

I'm closeted so... The only people I told are online, either this place or on other sites. On other sites, I usually do it to defend myself (as surprising that may sound) due to them assuming I'm straight and going off on me becuase I said a no no opinion they think all straight people would say.

[–]reluctant_commenter 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

due to them assuming I'm straight and going off on me becuase I said a no no opinion they think all straight people would say.

Lol, I've had that happen to me too. Here in solidarity.

[–]BiHorror 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

That's nice to hear that I'm not alone in that experience. It's hilarious tho. Have you gotten the "interalized x" for it yet? I'm the bad bi for my opinions. Especially when it comes to going against the TRA shit, then it's "you're tearing this community apart" lol.

[–]reluctant_commenter 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Haha not yet but I'm sure it'll happen eventually. It frustrates me to do, though, because I believe one should be able to express their opinions on a subject no matter what demographic group they're from. I wish there were still a place on reddit to engage in actual conversation with QT, but they'd rather silence people than talk.

then it's "you're tearing this community apart" lol.

Ugh lol, they just want everyone to have the EXACT same set of specific trans-centered opinions. I long for the day when LGB people have an even spread of political views and don't have to be stuck with liberal parties because our rights are held hostage as a partisan viewpoint. /rant lol

[–]BiHorror 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Haha not yet but I'm sure it'll happen eventually. It frustrates me to do, though, because I believe one should be able to express their opinions on a subject no matter what demographic group they're from.

That would be ideal, and it would be great if there were still subs to have conversations/debates with QT on reddit. But it's reddit tho.

I long for the day when LGB people have an even spread of political views and don't have to be stuck with liberal parties because our rights are held hostage as a partisan viewpoint

Same! Lol. But yeah, it's like you're LGB? Then you must automatically support TQ! (despite the fact these are the same people who can be just as bad as non-LGB homophobes). You don't? F you then. For such a small group, they certainly can have power over others while still claiming to be ~oppressed~

[–]RedEyedWarriorGay | Male | 🇮🇪 Irish 🇮🇪 | Antineoliberal | Cocks are Compulsory 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I don’t hide my sexual orientation, but I do treat it casually. I only mention that I’m gay when people ask if I have a girlfriend or a wife. People are curious when they ask, but also respectful and they don’t think less of me. Then again, that is one of the good things about living in Ireland.

I came out to my parents three times. First time they said I wasn’t gay. Second time they said I wasn’t gay. Over the next two years they saw the signs and realised that yes, RedEyedWarrior really is gay. So the third time I came out to them was the last time, because my mam and dad accepted my orientation from then on. Turns out my parents have suspected I was gay all along, but did not want me being open about it because they were worried I’d get bullied in school for being gay. On top of that, I have a disability, and I used to be a bit gullible, so my parents used to be a bit more protective of me than they were of my siblings. However, I’ve been working out a lot and toughening myself up a bit these last six years, and I am also a lot smarter when it comes to interacting with people and trusting people. It also helps that my country has also become a lot more accepting of gay people. My parents still worry about me because I’m their son and they love me, but they now know that my orientation is not holding me back and that I can stand up for myself.

[–][deleted] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I kind of 'came out' to my friends gradually. I mentioned I liked girls too, but I think most of them figured I was just messing around or joking. As we've gotten older though they realized it's not a joke, especially since recent events regarding TRA bullshit have kind of forced me to be more vocal about how I experience attraction.

I 'came out' to my mom much later. I put that in quotes because she knew already and brought it up with me first. I'd heard her say some really homophobic things with my grandma a few years prior to that, so I'd resigned myself with never coming out to her. I also put it in quotes because while she came to the right conclusion, her 'reasoning' was deeply flawed. She said 'well you never kept a boyfriend.' So because I'm not foaming at the mouth to have a boyfriend and I'm content with being single means I must not be straight? Mkay. She's cool now though. She loves me regardless of who I like, and even asked me the other day what kind of girls I'm into lol.

Usually I'm pretty casual about it. Mostly because I try to normalize talking about my girl crushes the same way I'd talk about my guy ones. I do have one friend that I get homophobic vibes from though. Funny enough she's someone who I had intimate experiences with and really confirmed for me that I'm sexually attracted to women. But she just kinda treats my same sex attraction like it's not there. She even called our intimate history together 'being sus'. So I don't talk about it much with her.

[–]ThiccDropkickGay 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

When I first came out nobody believed me because I was 12 but it's always been neutral to positive. The girls would immediately start telling me about their gay friends and how I should date them all etc. but I've never had a particularly negative reaction.

[–]PeakingPeachEaterfemale♀ | detrans🦎 | eater of peaches 🍑 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Well...Most people think I'm gay and when I tell them I'm currently with a man they get really surprised. They also couldn't tell when I was pregnant either, I was rather thin (unfortunately) and wore baggy clothes when I was pregnant and had a tiny bump...

When I was single, I used to get asked if I had a boyfriend, when I said no they said "Oh, my bad, do you have a girlfriend?" Still no hah. Most straight up assume I'm only same-sex attracted like my coworkers and they laugher when I they found out I was pregnant then had baby. :-0 Also, when first met partner, he thought I was lesbian until I asked him out....

I guess some people can't wrap their head around the fact that bisexuals exist too lol. And...that dressing a certain way doesn't mean anything. I jusr find it more funny than anything but wonder what other stereotypes they try to attach to me.

A less fun story:

When I was in my teens, I wanted to transition to be a boy. Grew up in traditional, religious,sexist household. Boys were able to do what they wish, girls were not.

Back then, I dressed boyish, didn't shave, used to have people confuse me as a boy etc. Anyways, I decided to finally chop my hair short since I didn't take good care of my hair back then(mixed races, mother no like that I have my father's genetics and said how ugly and "frizzy" my hair is, so I used to straighten it and it damaged...to look more like her side...She also wanted me to dress more like a "girl" because I am embarrasment to her and to shave my legs and wear makeup etc). When I chopped my hair, my dad got angry and thought that made me...gay? And said he would throw me out of the house and give beating and screamed in my face saying some nasty things. My mom stopped him from hitting me, but lol, she used to hit me anyways growing up.

So long story short: I was sexist against my own sex and I thought maybe I was a lesbian for a long time and tried repressing those feelings for YEARS it sucked. I liked the female sex since I was in grade school. Admired the male sex and wanted to be like them/dress like them...but not with them until maybe...after I was in last year of senior high/got into college.

Nowadays I leave my hair natural(curly) and cut it however I feel(it's currently long, just wanna see how it goes since I usually chop it pixie short). I don't dress AS masculine as I used to but I still fond of that style and if I had the time and money to really dress stylish and masculine, I would. Now I'm mostly just...plain or inbetween.