I'm feeling actually ill today (forgot to take my meds on time so heyo withdrawal) so I'm just gunna touch on the main points, cant promise they're as coherent as they would otherwise be

He's one of two guys I've hooked up with, one was a couple months ago and I spent much longer talking with beforehand (only to be ghosted), and this guy the first time we met was a couple weeks ago before lockdown was enforced. I didn't intend on meeting again til after lockdown lifted but he texted me and he was coming over for another reason as well so I said fuck it. It's irresponsible and I'm well aware of that. Additionally, we're both in areas where there is basically no community transmission. Our state is in lockdown but our area is still active case-free atm, otherwise I wouldn't have said yes to him coming over. Fwiw I did avoid going out or seeing other people outside my household since that meeting just to be safe. I was going to do the same this time.

Secondly, you're making a lot of assumptions about me. A lot are correct but I feel like some context would add to the understanding of me and my anxiety/insecurity. And why I took risks to get laid.
I've had agoraphobia since I was 15; "lonely" does not even begin to cover how isolating being a housebound agoraphobe with next to no friends is. Prior to my first hookup I had not hugged or hung out with another person one-in-one in 6 years. So yes, I'm desperate for some attention and human touch, but who the hell wouldn't be in my position?

This year I've been trying to focus on pushing myself out of my comfort zone more, I finally went and got my learners licence! So I've been trying to talk to and meet people because that's something I am quite uncomfortable with, though it was getting better after I realised I'm better at conversation than a significant portion of Tinder users (I thought I was terribly boring and anti-social, turns out I'm pretty easy to talk to and I don't find it as hard to talk to people in person as I thought I would). I also just really miss sex and being intimate with someone.

I have been in and out of therapy since I was 15; currently there is one psychologist available in my area and she made a very, very poor impression when I had my first appointment with her. So it's not currently an option.

All I do is solitary activities. That's all I've done basically my entire life, because I've always had anxiety and I'm very introverted. I journal and I make art. I also read, and garden. Hell, I've even spent hours sewing masks recently. Pandemic aside, I'm very much someone who needs to do less solitary activities. Being too afraid of people to spend time with them is what helped my anxiety become so severe in the first place.

I was putting myself out there because I was starting to feel more like someone worth spending time with. Because I wanted to explore myself and get to know myself better, because i realised early this year that I felt like I had lost myself and I wanted to regain that, I wanted to know myself again. I've been doing things and exploring things so I can. I feel more like a person and myself than I have in a very long time.

I am also very aware that my insecurity and issues make me a target for shitty men, I do try my best to avoid them. Hell, I was talking to one guy who seemed ok at first and then over the space of a couple weeks starting sounding more and more like an incel and you can bet your ass I called his shit out; if not for the inherent danger in men showing anger, the text tantrum he threw at me for calling out his entitlement would've been hilarious. I do try to suss them out before even entertaining the idea of meeting them, ever, but I let my libido and the excitement of doing something impulsive I'd never even dreamed I'd do before lead me wrong when we first met. I didn't expect a guy who got me off and I had a fun with, to rape me. This was obviously a mistake, I let the first success blind me, I've definitely learnt my lesson.

I am generally more assertive than I sound in this post. All those years of therapy did drill into me that assertiveness is a good thing, and though I obviously still struggle with it sometimes, I'm relatively decent at it. I don't usually let people walk all over me or treat me poorly. It was literally like 2 hours after it happened and I was still feeling very confused and vulnerable when I posted here.

I do appreciate your POV and honesty though. I'm feeling a bit less shaken now, though still physically sore and mentally denial-y about it (I keep replaying it trying to remember if I did anything that indicated willingness; because I remember the thoughts I had while it happened more than my physical reactions) but I promise I am reconsidering my current priorities and will be spending plenty of time doing positive things for myself.