I think I was just raped and I really need support

DevianttKitten · 2020-08-16T06:28:30+00:00

I'm feeling actually ill today (forgot to take my meds on time so heyo withdrawal) so I'm just gunna touch on the main points, cant promise they're as coherent as they would otherwise be

He's one of two guys I've hooked up with, one was a couple months ago and I spent much longer talking with beforehand (only to be ghosted), and this guy the first time we met was a couple weeks ago before lockdown was enforced. I didn't intend on meeting again til after lockdown lifted but he texted me and he was coming over for another reason as well so I said fuck it. It's irresponsible and I'm well aware of that. Additionally, we're both in areas where there is basically no community transmission. Our state is in lockdown but our area is still active case-free atm, otherwise I wouldn't have said yes to him coming over. Fwiw I did avoid going out or seeing other people outside my household since that meeting just to be safe. I was going to do the same this time.

Secondly, you're making a lot of assumptions about me. A lot are correct but I feel like some context would add to the understanding of me and my anxiety/insecurity. And why I took risks to get laid.
I've had agoraphobia since I was 15; "lonely" does not even begin to cover how isolating being a housebound agoraphobe with next to no friends is. Prior to my first hookup I had not hugged or hung out with another person one-in-one in 6 years. So yes, I'm desperate for some attention and human touch, but who the hell wouldn't be in my position?

This year I've been trying to focus on pushing myself out of my comfort zone more, I finally went and got my learners licence! So I've been trying to talk to and meet people because that's something I am quite uncomfortable with, though it was getting better after I realised I'm better at conversation than a significant portion of Tinder users (I thought I was terribly boring and anti-social, turns out I'm pretty easy to talk to and I don't find it as hard to talk to people in person as I thought I would). I also just really miss sex and being intimate with someone.

I have been in and out of therapy since I was 15; currently there is one psychologist available in my area and she made a very, very poor impression when I had my first appointment with her. So it's not currently an option.

All I do is solitary activities. That's all I've done basically my entire life, because I've always had anxiety and I'm very introverted. I journal and I make art. I also read, and garden. Hell, I've even spent hours sewing masks recently. Pandemic aside, I'm very much someone who needs to do less solitary activities. Being too afraid of people to spend time with them is what helped my anxiety become so severe in the first place.

I was putting myself out there because I was starting to feel more like someone worth spending time with. Because I wanted to explore myself and get to know myself better, because i realised early this year that I felt like I had lost myself and I wanted to regain that, I wanted to know myself again. I've been doing things and exploring things so I can. I feel more like a person and myself than I have in a very long time.

I am also very aware that my insecurity and issues make me a target for shitty men, I do try my best to avoid them. Hell, I was talking to one guy who seemed ok at first and then over the space of a couple weeks starting sounding more and more like an incel and you can bet your ass I called his shit out; if not for the inherent danger in men showing anger, the text tantrum he threw at me for calling out his entitlement would've been hilarious. I do try to suss them out before even entertaining the idea of meeting them, ever, but I let my libido and the excitement of doing something impulsive I'd never even dreamed I'd do before lead me wrong when we first met. I didn't expect a guy who got me off and I had a fun with, to rape me. This was obviously a mistake, I let the first success blind me, I've definitely learnt my lesson.

I am generally more assertive than I sound in this post. All those years of therapy did drill into me that assertiveness is a good thing, and though I obviously still struggle with it sometimes, I'm relatively decent at it. I don't usually let people walk all over me or treat me poorly. It was literally like 2 hours after it happened and I was still feeling very confused and vulnerable when I posted here.

I do appreciate your POV and honesty though. I'm feeling a bit less shaken now, though still physically sore and mentally denial-y about it (I keep replaying it trying to remember if I did anything that indicated willingness; because I remember the thoughts I had while it happened more than my physical reactions) but I promise I am reconsidering my current priorities and will be spending plenty of time doing positive things for myself.

DevianttKitten · 2020-08-16T01:18:42+00:00

Thank you. I'm sorry you've been through something so similar. :(

DevianttKitten · 2020-08-16T01:16:20+00:00

Thank you

DevianttKitten · 2020-08-16T01:12:14+00:00

Thank you

DevianttKitten · 2020-08-16T01:10:34+00:00

Thank you. Knowing other people have followed up with sexual activity makes me feel a little better. "Taking my power back" is exactly what I was trying to do; a BJ was something I could control. It was either that or post "sex" conversation and I didn't want to face that after what he'd just done.

DevianttKitten · 2020-08-15T02:13:06+00:00

Thank you

DevianttKitten · 2020-08-15T02:12:52+00:00

Yeah, I haven't really been using it. I joined mostly as a way to force myself to talk to strangers; I have a severe anxiety disorder and I'm kinda outta practice with socialising and it's an easy way to start convos and build confidence in my ability to interact with other humans. Usually the most I'll do is sext, because that's fun for me too, meeting him the first time was an impulse decision because I was horny as hell. It was fun so I thought it'd be fun a second time too.

I spent my teen and early 20's (I'm 24) being to anxious to date or meet people or even really talk to guys and I have only recently developed some confidence in that field. To have my burgeoning confidence in my body and sexuality and stuff smashed like it was is upsetting too. I was finally starting to feel like a somewhat normal mid-20's person.

DevianttKitten · 2020-08-15T02:10:26+00:00

No, I didn't say no. At first I thought he just couldn't get it in my vagina and was slipping up, then he asked if I'd ever had anal which is when I realised what he was trying to do. I said no I hadn't, and I wouldn't recommend it because of my upset belly, when he kept trying I said "I have lube" because all I could think was that anal needs lube and if there was lube it wouldn't hurt, and it was literally on the shelf right in front of my face, he didn't hear me so I repeated it but like a second after I finished saying it he was in me fully and then pushed my upper body down while he did it. I just kinda froze. All I could think was "oh god this is happening, he's in my ass, I didn't want this, I can't believe he's in my ass" And that it didn't hurt as much as I thought it would, that if I could rub my clit maybe I could even get off, but I was frozen. Then he finished inside me and it was over. I straightened myself up and I looked at his penis to see if there was any mess. I was anxious his dick would be poopy and I was worried he'd be disgusted. I was relieved when I saw it was clean, then I turned around and sat down.

Last time we hooked up he finished quickly but still fingered me afterward so I could get off. I was still kinda hoping I could get him hard again so I could have some enjoyment too, but my brain was like "he's been in your ass, you don't want a UTI by having PIV now" and I sat there for a bit before I played with him some more because I didn't know what else to do. I thought maybe if I got him hard and he fucked me so I could cum too that it would make up for it and I could just write it off as rough sex. But instead I ended up sucking him off twice, which is making me feel icky, partly because of where his dick had been but also because it doesn't make sense that I would give him more pleasure after what he did.

As soon as it became clear he couldn't get hard again I jumped off my bed and got dressed. And kinda hustled him out as soon as I could. I walked him to the door and then went back to my room. I started to clean my room up because I needed to play with my pet rats, I was running late, but pretty quickly sat on my bed and broke down.

I wish I'd said no, maybe if I'd said no he would've understood I didn't want it, like maybe I didn't make it clear enough and that's why he did it anyway. I was overwhelmed and it happened so quickly and all I could think of was what was happening and what it meant.

Once I went to the bathroom and wiped and saw blood (only a little, I think he just scratched the outside somehow, or just small tears from lack of lube) it really hit. I've played with my own butt plenty, it's something I do enjoy, but never ever have I bled from it, even with things larger than his penis is.

I realised after I posted this original post that before he had me bend over, he told me to get his penis nice and wet, "trust me", and I just thought he wanted a sloppy BJ, but now I realise it's because he intended to stick it in my ass.

I'm still just conflicted about it. I feel like I didn't make it clear enough that I didn't want it, but also who the fuck sticks something up someone's ass without any lube or talking or at least asking if they're ok with it first?!

DevianttKitten · 2020-08-15T01:20:42+00:00

Thank you

DevianttKitten · 2020-08-14T11:23:43+00:00

Thank you.

Yeah, I'm hoping there's some online or phone therapy options I can use instead, I'll look it up tomorrow.

DevianttKitten · 2020-08-14T10:59:27+00:00

We're in lockdown right now, and there's not really any good therapists in my area anyway. I've tried before for general mental illness reasons and I didn't click with the one that's available. But I'll see if there's any Telehealth services or sexual assault outreach thingies or something.

DevianttKitten · 2020-08-14T10:56:45+00:00

Thank you, I'm sorry you've been through the same kind of thing.

Up til now I was the only female I knew who had never been sexually assaulted and it's kinda heavy feeling to not have that now. I understand the immediate turmoil now, I didn't before.

And yeah, I don't intend to see him again.

DevianttKitten · 2020-08-14T10:52:57+00:00

I won't be reporting it because of some mildly related cannabis stuff, which is still very illegal to possess here. The last thing I need is for police to be involved. It's a small town anyway, they don't even get off their ass for intervention order breaches, I doubt they'd do anything about a sexual assault. They're rarely even reachable because they're never at the station.

I'll see if I can report him on tinder, but I might've unmatched him after I got his phone number anyway.

DevianttKitten · 2020-08-14T10:49:20+00:00

Thank you.

I didn't know where else to go where people might understand why I didn't fight, but why I'm still shaken up. I figured I'd be shunned from reddit "women's" subs because of my past history on GC. I didn't know who else to tell. I think I just needed someone more objective to tell me it wasn't ok what happened, because right now I feel like I didn't do enough to stop it, or that maybe I'm overreacting and it wasn't as bad as I'm making it out to be. I'm doubting myself, I guess.

Thank you

DevianttKitten