I think I was just raped and I really need support

submitted by DevianttKitten from self.GenderCritical

It was a tinder hookup, I've met him before, but tonight he forced himself into my ass. I tried to tell him I didn't want it, I've had an upset belly all day and I figured the risk of a shitty dick would make him change his mind but it didn't. I didn't know what to do and he had me bent over and pinned down and I didn't see the point in fighting it because I didn't think it would make a difference. It didn't really hurt after he was inside, I'm used to playing with my own butt, it almost felt good. But it's the first time I've had full anal, I was waiting to try it with someone I trusted to listen to me so it would be a positive experience.

It didn't last long before he was finished. I didn't know what to do or think but I gave him a blowjob because he has like no refractory period and it was still a hookup so I thought maybe I could get thing back on track to being good

And it's like 2 hours later and I'm just really shaken up and upset and I feel dirty and like I fucked up and did this to myself and my ass is bleeding a little bit

He didn't even use any lube, not even spit, I offered lube and he ignored the offer

I live at home, this happened at home, I don't want to tell my mum what happened or my best female friend. But I have nobody else to tell. I tried to tell a guy I've been talking to but he was like "you can always say no" he doesn't get why I didn't, but it happened so quickly

I'm so confused. I didn't say no and I didn't fight back, and it felt good, but I didn't want it and I tried to say that and we hadn't even discussed anal at any point and I don't know what to think about it. It didn't really hit me what had happened til after he left

I just need a woman to talk to

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[–]CastleHoward 37 insightful - 2 fun37 insightful - 1 fun38 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

I'm so sorry he did this to you. Something very similar happened to me about 15 years ago. It's ok to have all of the conflicting thoughts and emotions. The only advice I can give is to never see him again. He's not a good man and he's already proved himself to be dangerous. You don't have to give a reason for the break up. Just saying that you have lost interest is reason enough.

[–]DevianttKitten[S] 19 insightful - 2 fun19 insightful - 1 fun20 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you, I'm sorry you've been through the same kind of thing.

Up til now I was the only female I knew who had never been sexually assaulted and it's kinda heavy feeling to not have that now. I understand the immediate turmoil now, I didn't before.

And yeah, I don't intend to see him again.

[–][deleted] 29 insightful - 2 fun29 insightful - 1 fun30 insightful - 2 fun -  (10 children)

I'm so incredibly sorry this has happened to you. You are NOT dirty and it Is NOT your fault. Please do not blame yourself!! He completely disregarded your feelings and boundaries. If you did not want it, if you did not consent to what he did, then it is rape. I don't know what kind of advice I should offer you as I do not know what do in this situation, but know that I, and all of us here, are here to support you!

[–]DevianttKitten[S] 19 insightful - 1 fun19 insightful - 0 fun20 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

Thank you.

I didn't know where else to go where people might understand why I didn't fight, but why I'm still shaken up. I figured I'd be shunned from reddit "women's" subs because of my past history on GC. I didn't know who else to tell. I think I just needed someone more objective to tell me it wasn't ok what happened, because right now I feel like I didn't do enough to stop it, or that maybe I'm overreacting and it wasn't as bad as I'm making it out to be. I'm doubting myself, I guess.

Thank you

[–][deleted] 16 insightful - 1 fun16 insightful - 0 fun17 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I'm so sorry that you are in this situation. You are not overreacting at all. It is completely normal to process your feelings of what just happened until it's actually over. You feel this way for a reason--- because it was wrong. I know that it's easy to blame yourself and say "I could've done this," "If I had did this maybe it wouldn't have happened this way," etc. However, you never know how you're going to react to that kind of situation. Not only that, but you shouldn't have to think this in the first place. If HE didn't force his way, if HE didn't do this to you in the first place, you would have never even had to ask yourself those questions. You didn't do anything wrong. HE is in the wrong. He is piece of shit human. Again, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I read in the other comments that you do not have access to good mental health services in your area. Maybe there are some online services that can help?

[–]DevianttKitten[S] 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you.

Yeah, I'm hoping there's some online or phone therapy options I can use instead, I'll look it up tomorrow.

[–]Shesstealthy 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

You're absolutely not at fault. Consensual situations where someone suddenly breaks a stated boundary are really hard to just stop. I've been there - not your situation but a kind of stealthing which I did immediately make him stop - and it's just messy. I too followed up with some sexual activity to take my power back.

You're not alone.

ETA oh and I should make it clear that when that happened to me I was a LOT older and more experienced and confident than you are right now. Which helped when I was able to tell him to get off me right now, but didn't make the feeling of violation any less.

[–]DevianttKitten[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you. Knowing other people have followed up with sexual activity makes me feel a little better. "Taking my power back" is exactly what I was trying to do; a BJ was something I could control. It was either that or post "sex" conversation and I didn't want to face that after what he'd just done.

[–]jelliknight 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

You did what seemed like the best choice in the situation. No one can second guess that, not even present-time you. Past-you did what she thought she needed to do and that's all anyone can ask.

[–][deleted] 18 insightful - 1 fun18 insightful - 0 fun19 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Remember it is completely up to you if you want to report this to the police. I have never used Tinder, but I heard you can also report users on there.

You did NOT do this to yourself. You had no way of knowing he would do this to you. You are not responsible for what HE did to YOU. Please do not blame yourself!!

[–]DevianttKitten[S] 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I won't be reporting it because of some mildly related cannabis stuff, which is still very illegal to possess here. The last thing I need is for police to be involved. It's a small town anyway, they don't even get off their ass for intervention order breaches, I doubt they'd do anything about a sexual assault. They're rarely even reachable because they're never at the station.

I'll see if I can report him on tinder, but I might've unmatched him after I got his phone number anyway.

[–]yishengqingwa666 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I'd love to report him, if I knew his profile.

[–]catawampus 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

It is totally up to you whether you want to report it to the police, you are completely valid making the choice best for you. No matter what, he was completely in the wrong and you should never feel like it was your fault or feel ashamed for what happened.

I say this not to guilt you, but I would still gently suggest reporting him to the police. Even if he isn’t convicted in this case, having a prior history with the police would make it easier to convict him in the future if he violates another woman and she reports it.

[–]X_Act 18 insightful - 1 fun18 insightful - 0 fun19 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

This is rape. You said you didn't feel like it, and he pinned you down and forced himself inside of you. You shouldn't have to fight a man off of you to not be anally raped. It's a classic date rape scenario.

It is worth getting a rape kit at a hospital and filing a police report. It creates a record, so if he was to do this again (which he will), it will show a pattern of abusive behavior. So even if you don't think anything will come of it, that record is still there as evidence.

I don't know what weed has to do with anything, unless you're running some sort of illegal weed business. If you're worried about him saying "she smoked weed with me"...that literally means nothing unless a cop is searching you and finds weed.

In my honest opinion, I think you should report him. Don't let anyone try to manipulate you into believing this was not a legit rape.

Also, let's take a second to think specifically about the degrading nature of men having anal sex with women. It's specifically a choice to choose the form of sex that's less pleasurable and more painful when we have fully functioning vaginas that were made to deal with penetrative sex. Additionally, women don't have a prostate gland in the anus like men do, which is extremely pleasurable...virtually a male g-spot. Anal sex is a big part of BDSM and porn that revolves around degrading women. He chose that act because he wanted to dominate you, to the point of literally raping you.

[–]FuriousPenguin 16 insightful - 2 fun16 insightful - 1 fun17 insightful - 2 fun -  (3 children)

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I would seriously recommend seeking some sort of professional help. Block the guy on all social media and your phone. Something similar happened to me and I never told anyone. Please don't do that. It eats away at you. Speak to someone you trust.

[–]DevianttKitten[S] 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

We're in lockdown right now, and there's not really any good therapists in my area anyway. I've tried before for general mental illness reasons and I didn't click with the one that's available. But I'll see if there's any Telehealth services or sexual assault outreach thingies or something.

[–]FuriousPenguin 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

If you can't find someone you can message me here if you want to vent. I'm not a therapist but I can definitely listen.

[–]DevianttKitten[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you

[–]Criticalofgender 16 insightful - 2 fun16 insightful - 1 fun17 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

I'm really sorry. I would suggest you to go to the hospital and do a medical exam, I'm not really sure how it works in your area but, in the case you want to fill a police report, you won't have any problem to prove that the rape happened.

Contact your family and/or friends that you truly trust and ask for support.

And finally, I read that you didn't find any good therapists in your area but, you will really find helpful right now and how to deal with this situation right now.

Again, I'm really sorry, you can contact me if you need any support.

[–]FlickingMarvellous 13 insightful - 2 fun13 insightful - 1 fun14 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

You have done nothing wrong. Make sure that you remember that.

A lot of countries have sexual assault support lines, is there one you could call/message?

US: https://www.rainn.org/ UK: https://rapecrisis.org.uk/

[–]hufflepuff-poet 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I'm so sorry your going through all this. I've experienced similar events like this. None of this was your fault!!! He disrespected your boundaries and disregarded your feelings and comfort, you were doing a perfectly normal thing and he was the one who was in the wrong by violating your boundaries! I understand what you mean about everything happening too fast and being unable to respond, it's difficult to know what to do or even to process what's happening in the moment and not dissociate. Please take time for yourself, be patient with yourself and please when your ready talk to someone in real life, holding all this pain amd confusion in rarely helps in the long term. Love you and so sorry your dealing with this.

[–]DevianttKitten[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you

[–]yishengqingwa666 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Can you contact the police? JFC, I am so sorry.

PLEASE get off Tinder, it's a haven for male predators and rapists.

[–]DevianttKitten[S] 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yeah, I haven't really been using it. I joined mostly as a way to force myself to talk to strangers; I have a severe anxiety disorder and I'm kinda outta practice with socialising and it's an easy way to start convos and build confidence in my ability to interact with other humans. Usually the most I'll do is sext, because that's fun for me too, meeting him the first time was an impulse decision because I was horny as hell. It was fun so I thought it'd be fun a second time too.

I spent my teen and early 20's (I'm 24) being to anxious to date or meet people or even really talk to guys and I have only recently developed some confidence in that field. To have my burgeoning confidence in my body and sexuality and stuff smashed like it was is upsetting too. I was finally starting to feel like a somewhat normal mid-20's person.

[–]Cerocat 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I'm so so sorry he did that to you. it's a complete and utter violation of your consent and autonomy and he's a disgusting piece of shit. you deserve so much better than that. you're WORTH so much more than that, and men usually can't see that. i hope you can find the space to heal physically and emotionally from this. all this being said, I think you should really consider seeking medical attention if it's possible for you. Many times the physical trauma from sexual assault requires treatment or it can cause problems later on. We're here to support you!

[–]Spikygrasspod 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

It's not your fault that a shit person deliberately trampled your boundaries and didn't give a fuck what you wanted or what was best for you.

It's normal to not be psychologically prepared to object or fight back, because we don't expect people to shit all over our boundaries. We can't imagine doing that to other people, so we don't expect them to do it to us. And it's normal to try to 'normalise' the relationship by pretending things are okay before you've had a chance to process.

None of this is your fault. It is all his fault. It doesn't matter what it felt like or what you said; he kicked over your spoken boundaries and did what he wanted because he doesn't give a fuck about you. Fucking boundary trampling men do it on purpose, it's not a mistake for them, it's deliberate. It absolutely didn't happen because you weren't clear enough. Because you know what men do if they're not rapist fucks and they're not sure if you want anal sex? They ask you. They make sure. But violators creep around and figure out what they can get away with.

I'm so sorry you went through this. You will be okay despite the hurt.

[–]onemoredaydream 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I'm so sorry!!!!!

No one should just ASSUME anal is on the menu without a very clear, verbal YES.

Just give yourself time. Be kind to yourself. I wouldn't be alone with him again. If you explain it, he will probably try to argue with you because he is probably the sort of guy who can't stand to think of himself as a rapist.

Whatever category he falls in, he's definitely a sex pest and I don't think he really has a collaborative mindset towards sex.

[–]Shesstealthy 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Anal isn't normal everyday sex and people need reminding of that. Men seem bent on ignoring the need for clear enthusiastic consent for anything and that needs to stop. What also needs to stop is the normalisation of kink in hookups. I had a pretty opportunistic porn-mad casual lover and when I told him I had not had anal (in response to his query) he said quite clearly that he wouldn't be a good person to do it with for the first time - and I appreciate that he understood that it's a big deal, it's emotional. Instead of women's magazines teaching us how to endure anal men's magazines should be reinforcing that this is not generally that pleasurable for us, that it's a big deal, that consent is mandatory, and that if they're not prepared to take a dick or a dildo up their own ass they shouldn't even ask.

[–]TurtleFuzz 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. As others have said, it is NOT your fault. I would follow their advice about never seeing this guy, blocking him, speaking with a therapist, getting a medical exam, and talking with someone you can trust.

I had a similar situation happen to me, with my husband, and it's a confusing situation. I also felt bad about saying no, because I love my hub and it did feel a little good. Luckily, my husband and I had many serious discussions after that, and he agreed that what he did was wrong, and promised to listen to me during sex. It's been over 5 years and he's never done that to me again. But like I said, I am lucky that he learned and listened to me. Not a lot of men learn or listen. So it's best to cut this guy out of your life.

[–]our_team_is_winning 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I also felt bad about saying no, because I love my hub and it did feel a little good.

You felt bad about saying no to something you didn't want? He thinks he owns your body? I don't think I could forgive a rapist, husband or not. You have a far more forgiving nature than I do.

[–]powpowpowpow 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I'm so sorry this happened... I hope you can heal... something similar to me happened and I also only realized later and felt awful, couldn't look at myself in the mirror

Please forgive yourself of whatever blame and shame you may experience. It's not your fault to hold, it's his. It's not your shame to feel, it's his from being such a disgusting person.

Please block him and ceize contact... stay safe

[–]DevianttKitten[S] 4 insightful - 2 fun4 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you

[–]Disillusioned 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

I have reading comprehension problems, did you tell him 'no' except the upset belly thing? Not that it changes much, he should have got hint that you didn't feel like it. Plus the fact that he didn't ask your permission and didn't use lube makes him even a bigger asshole. Men like that are just jerks, they think that anything they see happen in porn is A-OK, they don't even think that many women may not be into it and that they should always ask what they can and can't. I bet he knows that women often stay silent in order not to get killed or injured and he takes advantage of it. Talk to a helpline and remember that it's not your fault.

[–]DevianttKitten[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

No, I didn't say no. At first I thought he just couldn't get it in my vagina and was slipping up, then he asked if I'd ever had anal which is when I realised what he was trying to do. I said no I hadn't, and I wouldn't recommend it because of my upset belly, when he kept trying I said "I have lube" because all I could think was that anal needs lube and if there was lube it wouldn't hurt, and it was literally on the shelf right in front of my face, he didn't hear me so I repeated it but like a second after I finished saying it he was in me fully and then pushed my upper body down while he did it. I just kinda froze. All I could think was "oh god this is happening, he's in my ass, I didn't want this, I can't believe he's in my ass" And that it didn't hurt as much as I thought it would, that if I could rub my clit maybe I could even get off, but I was frozen. Then he finished inside me and it was over. I straightened myself up and I looked at his penis to see if there was any mess. I was anxious his dick would be poopy and I was worried he'd be disgusted. I was relieved when I saw it was clean, then I turned around and sat down.

Last time we hooked up he finished quickly but still fingered me afterward so I could get off. I was still kinda hoping I could get him hard again so I could have some enjoyment too, but my brain was like "he's been in your ass, you don't want a UTI by having PIV now" and I sat there for a bit before I played with him some more because I didn't know what else to do. I thought maybe if I got him hard and he fucked me so I could cum too that it would make up for it and I could just write it off as rough sex. But instead I ended up sucking him off twice, which is making me feel icky, partly because of where his dick had been but also because it doesn't make sense that I would give him more pleasure after what he did.

As soon as it became clear he couldn't get hard again I jumped off my bed and got dressed. And kinda hustled him out as soon as I could. I walked him to the door and then went back to my room. I started to clean my room up because I needed to play with my pet rats, I was running late, but pretty quickly sat on my bed and broke down.

I wish I'd said no, maybe if I'd said no he would've understood I didn't want it, like maybe I didn't make it clear enough and that's why he did it anyway. I was overwhelmed and it happened so quickly and all I could think of was what was happening and what it meant.

Once I went to the bathroom and wiped and saw blood (only a little, I think he just scratched the outside somehow, or just small tears from lack of lube) it really hit. I've played with my own butt plenty, it's something I do enjoy, but never ever have I bled from it, even with things larger than his penis is.

I realised after I posted this original post that before he had me bend over, he told me to get his penis nice and wet, "trust me", and I just thought he wanted a sloppy BJ, but now I realise it's because he intended to stick it in my ass.

I'm still just conflicted about it. I feel like I didn't make it clear enough that I didn't want it, but also who the fuck sticks something up someone's ass without any lube or talking or at least asking if they're ok with it first?!

[–]vitunrotta 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I am so sorry this happened to you. :( It's a horrible situation to be in, but please try to stop blaming yourself for not saying "no" clearly enough. It is a fact that in a shocking and unexpected situation you may not even have time to utter the words - and sometimes you might just kind of freeze and be unable to vocalize anything. I truly empathize with you. Someone already said that it was a rape (true). You were assaulted, and I do understand your mixed feelings, but it was NOT your fault in any way or form. You were the victim here 100%. If you find it hard to discuss this with your friends or family in order to get support and then talk to the police, I'm sure there's some helpline where you live that can also assist? We're here to offer support to you as well. You are not alone in this.

(In my case, my ex-boyfriend anally raped me mid-coitus because I had said something snappy at him earlier that night... He just aggressively penetrated me anally with no warnings, no lube, nothing, and said I'd "deserved" it because I had treated him in a disrespectful way. It hurt, I was terrified, and I also said nothing because I was in a total state of shock. He was on top of me, I had no way to get him off of me until he "kindly" stopped. It took me YEARS to understand he had fucking raped me. Oh, and he calls himself a feminist. Yes, a true champion of women, that goddamn waste of oxygen!). Anyway - it is very good you have already understood that what happened was WRONG and it was a rape.

I hope all the best for you. I know how shocking it feels like, especially when it's someone you trust that violates you. You're in my thoughts, stay strong and keep telling yourself: it was not my fault. <3

[–]DevianttKitten[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you. I'm sorry you've been through something so similar. :(

[–]Spicylikegumbo 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Yes this is rape. Some have preconceptions of what rape looks like because of some TV show. It's not always some woman being bruised up after a hard scramble with a male. You don't have to scream and yell out stop or no for it to be rape. These men are not dumb. They know damn well what "not interested" looks like. You did what you had to do to survive in this incident and for you that was staying silent and just taking it. Others might fight, but some don't try. That doesn't mean you weren't raped because you didn't put up a fight.

[–]DevianttKitten[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you

[–][deleted] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I’m sorry that happened to you. Any sex act for which you didn’t give consent is rape. Get some support for your feelings around this. It’s not your fault. Men are pornified into believing that women want this kind of abuse. Butt play or stimulation is one thing, but full-on penetrative anal is different and much more dangerous. The way I handled a similar situation (a stealth condom removal) was sending a long message to the person — before I blocked him. I didn’t feel safe talking to him in person.

[–]StupidHappyPancakes 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Please understand that I am in no way trying to cast blame on you or minimize your experience; what happened to you was not okay, and I'm so sorry that it happened to you at all. But I'm going to be just a tiny tad stern with you here as someone who empathizes with a lot of what you've said here because I went through similar stuff when I was younger and I'm a bit old(er) and wise(r) now after most of my life being seriously abused.

I'm glad that you're already planning to seek some help for your trauma from people who are experienced with these things, but I would also urge you to strongly consider committing to some longer term therapy for your social anxiety and self-esteem issues. Through your words, I can almost FEEL how much you doubt yourself and how much you want to please others, and unfortunately bad men can absolutely sense that and take advantage of it.

Again, this is NOT YOUR FAULT. People generally aren't born feeling ashamed of themselves; this is probably the result of prior trauma or dysfunctional family dynamics. But the thing is, and here's where I get stern, there's a pandemic going on and you're seeking hookups with strange men. I'm worried about you. You've already been hurt and I'd hate for anything else to happen to you.

Sometimes what can happen is that a sexual assault can have a terrible kind of boomerang effect whereby it lowers your self-esteem even MORE because you blame yourself or feel "dirty," which perversely makes you look for even more validation from other men, and again, I can't emphasize enough, bad men will pick up on this. It's a horrible realization, but some men seem to be born with a predatory instinct that endangers good women.

And it isn't fucking FAIR that this happens. You are a unique and valuable person, and in a better world, your willingness to please others would always be rewarded and never exploited. But you've got to find that love within yourself FOR yourself, which also includes being less uncomfortable with loneliness or awkwardness. How fucking DARE this guy get three orgasms out of a sexual assault because he subverted your giving nature. I hope his dick falls off.

I think Tinder is a scary place for women to begin with, but this stupid virus is amplifying that risk tremendously. If you can't trust these men to take no for an answer, you can't trust them to tell you they've tested negative and not be lying. Instead of feeling lonely and isolated, maybe see this time as a time to get to know and love YOURSELF a little better?

You're going to have some complex emotions, but you are clearly intelligent and empathetic, so now it's time to turn that empathy inwards. Be gentle with yourself but also a little tiny bit stern too; there is no dick in the world that is worth your trouble right now! In addition to seeking some counseling, it might be helpful to engage in some solitary activities like journaling or doing some kind of art, even if you feel like you have no "talent" for that kind of creativity. When you're a little further along in processing all this, gradually building up a meditation practice can be a great tool as well. It's all about teaching you to befriend yourself, value yourself, LISTEN to yourself, and enjoy your own company.

I still struggle with hating myself for putting up with some of the things I did, and honestly, it wasn't until I read many other women's experiences with sexual assault that I was able to find more empathy and kindness toward myself for being raped at 14 and at 17. You may realize something similar; you would never criticize your friend or even a stranger for being assaulted, so why would you ever blame yourself? Women have this amazing strength and tremendous compassion, but they waste their nurturing on bad men and their stupid dicks. They don't deserve to breathe the same air as you do.

[–]DevianttKitten[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I'm feeling actually ill today (forgot to take my meds on time so heyo withdrawal) so I'm just gunna touch on the main points, cant promise they're as coherent as they would otherwise be

He's one of two guys I've hooked up with, one was a couple months ago and I spent much longer talking with beforehand (only to be ghosted), and this guy the first time we met was a couple weeks ago before lockdown was enforced. I didn't intend on meeting again til after lockdown lifted but he texted me and he was coming over for another reason as well so I said fuck it. It's irresponsible and I'm well aware of that. Additionally, we're both in areas where there is basically no community transmission. Our state is in lockdown but our area is still active case-free atm, otherwise I wouldn't have said yes to him coming over. Fwiw I did avoid going out or seeing other people outside my household since that meeting just to be safe. I was going to do the same this time.

Secondly, you're making a lot of assumptions about me. A lot are correct but I feel like some context would add to the understanding of me and my anxiety/insecurity. And why I took risks to get laid.
I've had agoraphobia since I was 15; "lonely" does not even begin to cover how isolating being a housebound agoraphobe with next to no friends is. Prior to my first hookup I had not hugged or hung out with another person one-in-one in 6 years. So yes, I'm desperate for some attention and human touch, but who the hell wouldn't be in my position?

This year I've been trying to focus on pushing myself out of my comfort zone more, I finally went and got my learners licence! So I've been trying to talk to and meet people because that's something I am quite uncomfortable with, though it was getting better after I realised I'm better at conversation than a significant portion of Tinder users (I thought I was terribly boring and anti-social, turns out I'm pretty easy to talk to and I don't find it as hard to talk to people in person as I thought I would). I also just really miss sex and being intimate with someone.

I have been in and out of therapy since I was 15; currently there is one psychologist available in my area and she made a very, very poor impression when I had my first appointment with her. So it's not currently an option.

All I do is solitary activities. That's all I've done basically my entire life, because I've always had anxiety and I'm very introverted. I journal and I make art. I also read, and garden. Hell, I've even spent hours sewing masks recently. Pandemic aside, I'm very much someone who needs to do less solitary activities. Being too afraid of people to spend time with them is what helped my anxiety become so severe in the first place.

I was putting myself out there because I was starting to feel more like someone worth spending time with. Because I wanted to explore myself and get to know myself better, because i realised early this year that I felt like I had lost myself and I wanted to regain that, I wanted to know myself again. I've been doing things and exploring things so I can. I feel more like a person and myself than I have in a very long time.

I am also very aware that my insecurity and issues make me a target for shitty men, I do try my best to avoid them. Hell, I was talking to one guy who seemed ok at first and then over the space of a couple weeks starting sounding more and more like an incel and you can bet your ass I called his shit out; if not for the inherent danger in men showing anger, the text tantrum he threw at me for calling out his entitlement would've been hilarious. I do try to suss them out before even entertaining the idea of meeting them, ever, but I let my libido and the excitement of doing something impulsive I'd never even dreamed I'd do before lead me wrong when we first met. I didn't expect a guy who got me off and I had a fun with, to rape me. This was obviously a mistake, I let the first success blind me, I've definitely learnt my lesson.

I am generally more assertive than I sound in this post. All those years of therapy did drill into me that assertiveness is a good thing, and though I obviously still struggle with it sometimes, I'm relatively decent at it. I don't usually let people walk all over me or treat me poorly. It was literally like 2 hours after it happened and I was still feeling very confused and vulnerable when I posted here.

I do appreciate your POV and honesty though. I'm feeling a bit less shaken now, though still physically sore and mentally denial-y about it (I keep replaying it trying to remember if I did anything that indicated willingness; because I remember the thoughts I had while it happened more than my physical reactions) but I promise I am reconsidering my current priorities and will be spending plenty of time doing positive things for myself.

[–]StupidHappyPancakes 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I'm glad you're feeling even ever-so-slightly better today, although yeah, withdrawal feelings are a bitch. I hope by now your meds have kicked in properly!

I'm so sorry if I made unfair assumptions about you; I was trying so hard to walk the line between concerned and overbearing even though I suspected I'd still end up more towards overbearing. I was just really worried about you, and I remember you from Reddit too.

I actually DO have some rather extensive experience being a lonely agoraphobe, oddly enough! I've got some serious health issues in addition to really bad social anxiety and trauma, and even before the pandemic, I only left the house for doctor's appointments. I saw something in your words that reminded me of myself, but I guess I also didn't stop and acknowledge that I've got the privilege of having a partner, which wasn't fair of me. I can only imagine how isolating it must have been to have endured this state for six years.

It sounds like you have been taking some really great steps forward, though! Congrats on getting your learner's license; I know how hard it is to do things like that when you've been housebound. The rotten thing about agoraphobia is that the more you stay at home and isolated, the more you WANT to stay at home and isolated. And I'm sorry that you were feeling stronger and more confident and JUST at that moment, you run into a predator. Ugh, sometimes it just feels like predatory men are waiting around every corner.

I don't know why it is so goddamn difficult to find good psychiatrists and counselors! Half of them end of making matters worse or keep you just treading water! If you do end up reaching out to a crisis line, they might be able to set you up with at least some short-term crisis counseling via phone. I know that many mental health professionals are doing video visits too, if that's at all an option for you.

You didn't do anything to indicate "willingness" to Mister-I-Hope-His-Dick-Falls-Off. Sometimes I truly suspect that the state of existence for far too many men is to CONSTANTLY push at women's boundaries, which puts the onus on women to be ever vigilant and guarding against attack. And it sucks because we know WE would never be so predatory, so it's such a slap in the face when you realize those men's motives can be so sociopathic.

You sound plenty assertive to me now, and your growing self-confidence and self care routines will only help you get through this. I just had one more thought on your behalf and I'm wondering if you've ever tried any of the apps to make new friends? It might be a way to build up those social muscles a bit without dealing with man nonsense for a bit.

[–]X_Act 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I also had/have agoraphobia and anxiety issues and can relate. I eventually fucked the most embarrassing, horrible loser that lived next door to me with DIY jail tats that he did in his multiple years of jail time that begin when he was 13 years old...someone I would hang out with and sleep with every day unlike any man I've ever been with before because he was conveniently next door... because I sexually enjoy men, and I could take comfort in being nearby home, even though he was legitimately a horrible person.

When I was a teen, my anxiety was so bad I could barely function day to day. And when I finally became 18 and had some improvement (but still deep down the same mental issues)...i made up for lost time by picking up whatever attractive guy I saw...I'd always be switching up guys, talking to/dating over 5 guys at a time....albeit, I made out a lot, but very rarely fucked (or sucked) anyone.

Side note: I've gotten into a mode of saying "I'm not ready for insert act here yet until we're serious", and basically allowing them to get me off without fucking/sucking them. I've found it works 99% of the time. I've been in half a year long relationships without worrying about sacrificing my body or being used and still getting sexually pleased 😂 You can always set your boundaries however you want. The great thing about not fucking men is less sacrifice/investment of your body, no risk of pregnancy or Stds...just my personal opinion.

So I understand you. I've had plenty of these sort of encounters where you feel like it's a gray area. There have been times where in the beginning of sex or in the middle, it hurt and I said "wait!" "Hold on" and the guy didn't listen. It made me feel like I was being fucked without being there...like I didn't matter. I was a body, not a person. And it makes you feel used, angry and dirty.

The thing is, consent is not just about the absence of "no", it's about getting a "yes". The principle of rape is not about the technicality of saying "no", it's about knowing a woman doesn't want to do a sexual act, and a man doesn't care and does it anyway because he sees the woman, in that moment, as a non-person.

It is rape.

[–]jelliknight 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I'm sorry that happened to you. That guy is dangerous and he did rape you. That he didn't even use lube says a lot- he wasn't just in it for his pleasure, he was in it for your discomfort. Is there a free counselling service in your area that you could go to and talk about it?

You don't have to talk to anyone else about this if you don't want to. You're not obligated to disclose anything. But stay the hell away from that guy and warn other women not to trust him.