Argument with boyfriend last night about Reddit's censorship of women, and he called me a transphobe

submitted by sosorreal from self.GenderCritical

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[–]TeaAndCigarettes 33 insightful - 1 fun33 insightful - 0 fun34 insightful - 1 fun -  (11 children)

You sound like you're being gaslit. You're asking yourself all the questions someone does when they're being made to believe that reality is different then what their senses are telling them.

I would not tolerate being in a relationship with a man who would tell me my beliefs make me transphobic. I don't even tolerate trying to be FRIENDS with those men let alone trying to be romantic with them. Depending on how long you two have been together and the depth of your relationship and connection I would try to find some middle ground but if he is trying to force you to cede opinion or convince you that you're something you're not then it's time to move on.

[–]sosorreal[S] 18 insightful - 2 fun18 insightful - 1 fun19 insightful - 2 fun -  (10 children)

The consensus we reached last night was to just never talk about this, but this is very important to me and I'm a passionate and honest person, so it isn't exactly easy for me to just be quiet. It feels like I'm being silenced. He just will not agree with me, will not look into it. I feel like if he actually researched this, he would come to the same conclusion (like any rational human would), but he refuses because he thinks he will never agree. So I'm not really sure where that leaves us.

[–]TeaAndCigarettes 28 insightful - 1 fun28 insightful - 0 fun29 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

It's hard for me to say what to do because I would honestly drop his ass. If a guy told me "Hey, never talk about this thing important to you, bigot." I'd walk. Honestly, I feel like if he genuinely cared about you and ACTUALLY though you were being hateful he'd be trying to make you see the light at least because he cares about you. He's not even doing that he just wants you to shut up. That's fucked.

[–]Veneficca 21 insightful - 2 fun21 insightful - 1 fun22 insightful - 2 fun -  (2 children)

Imagine a future with someone who always buys into media/online soundbites and slogans without thinking for himself or doing research. It would drive me crazy.

If your husband was disabled and was passionate about an issue hurting disabled people, how would he feel if you contradicted him without looking into the issue and then silenced him about it?

[–]sosorreal[S] 10 insightful - 2 fun10 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

wow, that's a really eye opening point. shit, thank you

[–]badMADam 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Or being with a person who never takes your views seriously enough to even look into them but just keeps insisting he is right. Do you think that person really sees you as an equal?

[–]usernamezerozero 18 insightful - 1 fun18 insightful - 0 fun19 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

I say leave before you become enmeshed with someone who doesn't share your values. I told my husband that this one area where we can't "agree to disagree." I still feel like he is humoring me and secretly thinks he married a transphobe, even though I have articulated my stance and shared a wealth of information. I am deeply entrenched in my marriage/family, so I cannot leave with the same freedom.

[–]sosorreal[S] 15 insightful - 1 fun15 insightful - 0 fun16 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I really do appreciate this perspective. I'm going to think long and hard about it. I'm taking a few days off from him to settle down and deal with what's happened here. I feel like I'm being so dramatic, but seeing and experiencing the very real censorship of women has profoundly affected me. I still feel sick, my insides are shaking, and I broke down crying yesterday because I'm just scared, and sad that this is really happening.

[–]jet199 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Frankly there are too many people cutting off loved ones over political arguments at the moment so I won't encourage it. That's what cults do.

I personally think it's very rare for anyone to change their mind in the middle of an argument. People get defensive, this is why he's saying he refuses to research it. His just sticking his heels in. Mostly people rethink after feelings have settled down. So say your piece and leave it.

[–]sosorreal[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

thank you, this is what I have done. I don't want to villianize men and in particular, my man. He's proven he's respectful and sweet otherwise, and conversations since have shown we are both trying to meet more in the middle. Which I think is important for this whole movement -- we have to work together.

[–]yishengqingwa666 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Seems blatantly obvious there is no "us". It leaves HIM in the dust. Alone. As he deserves.

[–]DorothyGale 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

In the long run that isn't going to work unfortunately. It will eat away at you. Try organising it all in your head before trying again. Avoiding the subject is really just storing the row up for a later date.