How do you maintain attraction with weight changes?

HighPlainsDrifter · 2020-08-14T14:48:58+00:00

Wow, that list is wild. Like some of it was valid to my experience but mostly that list is nutso.

I came out when I was 28 but I had known I was a lesbian since I was young, I did a lot to try and force myself to be bisexual. I dated men who were objectively great men and good people and I thought if I just found one that was good enough I would suddenly be able to enjoy sex with men, rather than having to be incredibly fucked up to do it. So for me it's not a matter of "figuring out" but "accepting" and those two things are very different.

When I looked up "signs of being a lesbian" it wasn't because I actually wondered, it was to see if maybe I could find a list that didn't have anything I felt on it, if one thing didn't match how I felt I thought "see, gotta be bisexual". I've been gay for as long as I have been alive I just felt like if I tried hard enough I could ignore it and not have to deal with the implications of what that meant for my life. Honestly my parents and my family didn't even care, besides one cousin who is racist and homophobic and who still supports me and has never said a bad word about me or my partner, no one in my family was even slightly fazed when I came out. "Oh, you're gay, ok, pass the peas." so I don't even know what pushed me so hard to deny who I was and what I wanted, probably a lot of internalized worth issues wrapped around the idea that women's value is correlated to male interest/opinion. I also had a lot of internalized "all women are bisexual" and thought that since that was "obviously" true and had research behind it, I would have to find my perfect male fit eventually.

So yeah some of that list is valid in action but the motivation is all wrong. The motivation for nearly every late bloomer I have ever talked to has either been safety or denial of a truth that is bone deep.

HighPlainsDrifter · 2020-08-14T17:11:30+00:00

No. Porn is boring. Why watch other people do it when you can do it yourself.

Sidenote, skydiving videos are awesome cause I am never doing that shit in a million years.

HighPlainsDrifter · 2020-08-14T16:47:25+00:00

Being completely honest, I cannot imagine not having this woman as my wife. Even if our sex drive tanks out and we never have sex again. But I doubt that would be happy for her.

The reality is that I could leave her, find another person who in my current physical ideal and then in 10 years that woman could gain a bunch of weight and I could stop being physically attracted to her. I think it sounds fucking miserable to keep leaving people because their bodies change in totally normal ways.

HighPlainsDrifter · 2020-08-14T19:00:50+00:00

Thanks for this. Honestly your advice has been the best so far and I very much appreciate it. My partner is amazing in so many ways and leaving her because she isn't currently motivated or at the peak of her physical looks isn't something I think lends itself well to my ideal marriage. I am sure at some point I'm gonna be fat, or I'm gonna get disabled, or go grey, or get mentally down, or any other minor or large thing that might affect her attraction levels to me. I would hope that she would give the relationship longer than 9 months before deciding to go looking for someone new. People aren't interchangeable and while I have had exes with higher attraction or sexual connection I have never met another person who I connected with or fit together with like I do with her.

So, anyway, thanks, I agree with you.

HighPlainsDrifter · 2020-08-14T22:09:59+00:00

It's less that I have never been attracted to her and more just that our sexual chemistry has never been super intense. She knows that part and is fine with it. Before now we've always taken the approach that she's not the best sex I've ever had, and I'm not as spontaneous as she wants, and knowing both of those things we have always been open, honest and worked to make sure each of our sexual needs were met. We've agreed that we are not each other's ideal sex partners but we are each other's ideal mates in every other way (and to be fair she isn't the worst sex partner I've had, and I am able to personally "plan" more spontaneity for her). It's only been in the past period I've mentioned that sex has totally bottomed out. But thanks to some of the advice here I think I have a good idea of how to navigate the coming period of time and when I would need to involve an outside third party to help mediate further conversation on the subject.

HighPlainsDrifter · 2020-08-14T18:52:23+00:00

This is really helpful. I think with everything happening it has been easy to say "this is a huge issue that is never going away and what the fuck should I do everything is awful" but it is probably good to get a reality check. She did just get a new job, and her mental health is much better. She's been doing small runs each week so I can see she is starting to work back into dedication to weight lose. Maybe giving it more time to see what happens is good. Because you're right there are going to be dips and if this is the worst dip in 6 years it's not actually that bad or that big.

HighPlainsDrifter · 2020-08-14T16:58:59+00:00

I am pretty sure that there is a lesbian out there that has had my issue and they were able to readjust their world view or their thoughts in order to reignite their sex life. I guess I was hoping one of them would be on this forum so they could share what they did and how they helped themselves be better partners. If everyone just bails on the person they love because of a fairly common problem like weight gain then that just seems really sad and lonely.

HighPlainsDrifter · 2020-08-14T17:05:53+00:00

Maybe I just need to reframe sex for the time being then. I do think she is going to start losing some of the weight. The reality is that there might be more weight than before because some of the issues causing her to gain weight are not things that can be fixed through diet or exercise. I might ask her how she feels about finding an outside support like a therapist. I absolutely do my best to never make her feel like I am shaming her body or the realities of where she is right now and I try to support her eating healthier. I admit that we likely would never have gotten together if she was the size she is now when we first met but when I asked her to marry me it wasn't with the caveat that she always stay as attractive to me as she was then, so I do want to figure out how to continue being as good of a partner as I can, and for her that includes sex. So I guess I'll just have to figure out how to incorporate that until it becomes natural again.

HighPlainsDrifter · 2020-08-14T19:03:30+00:00

This is fair. I think if the situation continues past the year mark I will bring this up as an option. I do think she's on her way to improving for herself (which is another thing, if I am pushing her to lose weight anything she loses is unlikely to stay gone and it would undermine our relationship) so giving it a bit more time and then looking into something like this seems like a good general path. Thanks.

HighPlainsDrifter · 2020-08-14T16:42:10+00:00

I mean if you like I can name off all the amazing attributes of her and our relationship but that's not really relevant.

Like I requested, assume that we are not going to break up and go from there with actual advice targeted towards my question. Because this woman is my future, so the problem needs solving.

HighPlainsDrifter · 2020-08-14T18:45:25+00:00

Yeah she has a gym membership but gyms are not open here.

HighPlainsDrifter · 2020-07-13T21:35:46+00:00

Uhauling. Mostly find it hilarious because I am the absolutely slowest at getting into a relationship or even getting comfortable enough to kiss someone.

HighPlainsDrifter