How do you maintain attraction with weight changes?

submitted by HighPlainsDrifter from self.Lesbians

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[–]HighPlainsDrifter[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (9 children)

I mean if you like I can name off all the amazing attributes of her and our relationship but that's not really relevant.

Like I requested, assume that we are not going to break up and go from there with actual advice targeted towards my question. Because this woman is my future, so the problem needs solving.

[–][deleted] 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (7 children)

I mean you have to accept they this is in the realm of possibility in terms of solutions because sometimes people will not want to better themselves. We cannot advice you as if this isn’t one of the outcomes. We don’t have some magical solution to make you attracted to her or any other woman that gains weight. If anything counseling? But it’s perfectly normal to not be attracted to someone that gains a significant amount of weight. If this woman is your future and your steadfast you have to make peace with the fact that this might be who she is for the rest of her life. We cannot tell you how to be turned on by her body.

[–]HighPlainsDrifter[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

I am pretty sure that there is a lesbian out there that has had my issue and they were able to readjust their world view or their thoughts in order to reignite their sex life. I guess I was hoping one of them would be on this forum so they could share what they did and how they helped themselves be better partners. If everyone just bails on the person they love because of a fairly common problem like weight gain then that just seems really sad and lonely.

[–]yayblueberries 12 insightful - 2 fun12 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 2 fun -  (2 children)

Unfortunately the average Internet forum is full of miserable 20-somethings who don't really have friends and haven't developed the understanding that sometimes you can and maybe even should keep somebody around that you aren't always 100% about. Especially as you get older. And that everybody has flaws; many of these people are enjoying the "perfection" that youth brings and expect everybody else to be perfect in their eyes. Society is pretty disgusting in this way right now. Way too idealistic while being overly negative and judgmental.

I get it. I wish I could give better advice than what I gave you down below, but I completely understand really enjoying somebody but one of their flaws just picks at you, but there's no real reason to just ditch them because of that one disappointment. Unfortunately, most people don't really care about others, expect way too much, are demanding, and go through relationships/partners like they do underwear. This is also why most lesbian communities are a disaster of drama between a whole bunch of people who know each other way too intimately without even trying to make it work in the first place after jumping in way too quickly (u-hauling isn't even a healthy approach to a relationship despite it being a trend in lesbian relationships).

[–][deleted] 10 insightful - 3 fun10 insightful - 2 fun11 insightful - 3 fun -  (0 children)

Lol what a gross over generalization of the population.

30’s, engaged after a long term relationship that included bouts of health issues here. I won’t apologize for being realistic. Yes, people will a approach difficulties in relationships, but one has to set boundaries as to when enough is enough.

ETA: Weight gain and any other big change comes with a list of issues that need to be addressed, not just one, where sometimes you have to admit it’s too much. If my partner told me sex was never great regardless of weight , I would not saddle myself to that person for life.

[–]HighPlainsDrifter[S] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thanks for this. Honestly your advice has been the best so far and I very much appreciate it. My partner is amazing in so many ways and leaving her because she isn't currently motivated or at the peak of her physical looks isn't something I think lends itself well to my ideal marriage. I am sure at some point I'm gonna be fat, or I'm gonna get disabled, or go grey, or get mentally down, or any other minor or large thing that might affect her attraction levels to me. I would hope that she would give the relationship longer than 9 months before deciding to go looking for someone new. People aren't interchangeable and while I have had exes with higher attraction or sexual connection I have never met another person who I connected with or fit together with like I do with her.

So, anyway, thanks, I agree with you.

[–][deleted] 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Try feeling how much you love her every time you look at her. Maybe that will help. Maybe it will even help her. She is probably able to pick up you being withdrawn physically and that is likely painful on some level. Women notice small changes when they have been together a long time. If she feels rejected that’s rough. If you feel like an asshole, that’s also rough. It makes you both feel bad. Try and literally feel the love in your body when you look at her, try to keep it in your eyes and voice. Hold her hand. Maybe things are so hard right now you are having a hard time accessing good feelings in yourself.

[–]spirette 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

that is really good advice imo

[–][deleted] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thanks. It’s so heartbreaking to see such a struggle when the people love each other. Sometimes having problems just makes it so hard to access any good feelings, even though they exist. But the love IS in there. Years of it.

[–][deleted] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Have you asked yourself if things don’t change are you ok with it being like this forever? Is it fair to stay with someone your not attracted to just because you’re already with them?

I’m not saying there are not good things in your relationship. But like you said this has been an issue for at least half of a year, and it doesn’t seem to get resolved. My personal feeling on why it hasn’t been resolved is because you’re expecting someone to change so you can be totally happy with them, rarely has that ever worked.