Trying something out

submitted by cqtzFlair from self.sub

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[–]Vulptex 4 insightful - 3 fun4 insightful - 2 fun5 insightful - 3 fun -  (11 children)

No, I've seen this person for over a year now and literally everything she does is nearly 100% flawless, and done easily in a short amount of time, often with little experience. And unbelievable inventions and discoveries are commonplace for her and almost always done casually or by accident.

To make it even worse for me she's almost identical to me except for the fact that a lot of things actually work for her. My brain and body and genetics fucked me over, I was basically born to suffer. Even when my life should be fine, and it is, it's not, and hasn't been since I was at least 11, and probably never will be again. I have no idea what the hell happened to me but I am cursed.

No one masters anything instantaneously

This person does.

[–]Node 3 insightful - 3 fun3 insightful - 2 fun4 insightful - 3 fun -  (10 children)

Someone go bring her back.

[–]Vulptex 3 insightful - 3 fun3 insightful - 2 fun4 insightful - 3 fun -  (9 children)

She's here, just not very active. I'm only active a lot because it's all I'm able to do really, since I'm not capable of much else and I don't know how else to enjoy myself. Of course even if I could do things I haven't been able to really feel much since I was young either, everything is monotone now, even the most exciting things. The only thing I can feel with any kind of intensity anymore is anger, which got worse.

[–]Node 3 insightful - 2 fun3 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 2 fun -  (8 children)

Yikes. Just saw this and your edit above.

It sounds like you're saying your life is fine, but that's not working for you. Any hope for a cure, or a different path that might take the edge off a bit?

[–]Vulptex 3 insightful - 2 fun3 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 2 fun -  (7 children)

Nope. That would require getting a new brain, at which point I might as well be a different person anyway.

[–]Node 3 insightful - 2 fun3 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 2 fun -  (6 children)

I might as well be a different person

Agreed. (in a sense) As it turns out, the software brains run on can be reprogrammed. It can be somewhat of an art in a professional therapist setting, but vastly easier than a brain transplant.

Would you like to see a recap of your current programming?

My brain and body and genetics fucked me over

I was basically born to suffer.

Even when my life should be fine, it's not,

I am cursed.

I'm not capable of much else

I don't know how else to enjoy myself.

I haven't been able to feel much since I was young

everything is monotone now

The only thing I can feel with any kind of intensity anymore is anger

With this level of self-trolling, it's no wonder you're not experiencing enjoyment.

Block your internal troll.

Replace that emotional abuse with positive self-talk.

Even if you don't suddenly become the master of all skills and abilities, there is zero need to suffer for that. Maybe you deserve to suffer for other reasons (do you?), but certainly not just for not being the most impressive person on the planet.

[–]Vulptex 3 insightful - 2 fun3 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 2 fun -  (5 children)

It wasn't always this way. A switch just flipped one day and everything went to hell for me. I've tried to change it back with various different methods and none of them do jack squat. Apparently this was normal pubescent development and I'm supposed to be happy about it. It costs me everything, but hey, I get to fulfill my pointless primal role for a society I already don't like! This is my baseline state now and it just sucks. All I can do is try and accept it but that's going to be damn near impossible. I've had plenty of therapy, all they do is tell me to deny reality and mask my problems, which I can't even do nor is that a real solution. Outside of there, I am scolded for having any problems or emotional difficulties because only women matter and I'm just a burden.

Whether I'm human or even earthling is becoming more and more questionable to me.

[–]JasonCarswell 4 insightful - 2 fun4 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

We are creatures of habits, good and bad, pros and cons, on spectrums. Our greatest strengths are often also our greatest weaknesses.

If I could go back to 2008 and avoid starting the "anti"-depressants that destroyed my life and almost killed my I would have 1) taken a blood test, 2) taken vitamin D and ginseng, and 3) started CBT.

Have you considered Cognitive Behaviour Therapy? It's different than just therapy by someone in a chair who may/may not care.

I invited you to co-mod /s/Fulfillment and /s/WellBeing - or you can just share good, bad, and ugly stuff there, or simply seek information or feedback.

cc /u/Node

[–]Node 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

A switch just flipped one day

Interesting. I flipped mine manually, but much earlier.

I've tried to change it back with various different methods and none of them do jack squat.

Yep, frustrating. Some of those switches appear to be one time use only.

From your other comment, it sounds like you're still relatively young and under the influence of your hormones. Noted by your undue focus on the human female.

I will just point out here that it is possible to have a marriage or long term relationship with a female, but much denial of reality will be required. If you have trouble masking your problems or denying reality, acquiring one would lead to trouble. Like a failed shotgun suicide, you could end up far worse off than you are now.

only women matter and I'm just a burden.

This is untrue, and you will do better and be happier once you stop believing it. I mean, I'm not qualified to tell you what to do or believe, but I do know that saying negative things about yourself to yourself is a technique that's often successful in making you more miserable. You can still be the way you are without the need to deliberately make yourself more miserable.

Disclaimer: I don't know all that much about the autism, so read my opinions with that in mind.

Cheers \o

[–]Vulptex 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I don't want to get married or even date or have sex. The problem is all my developmental energy has been channeled towards exactly that and I'm barely capable of anything else now.

[–]Node 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Can you change your focus away from females and concentrate more on your other interests?

Do you have hobbies, or things you like to work on?