The definition of lesbian: the googoogaga factor

submitted by Skipdip from self.Lesbians

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[–]Skipdip[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

Yes! This is a beautiful story and exactly what I’m talking about. I will read the rest but this is what I’m getting at, so I don’t understand how you disagree with my premise.

You were with men and all it could ever be was lukewarm and mechanical. Maybe you were able to come with them, but in a disconnected mechanical way. I too have dealt with attachment trauma which briefly confused me and in fact continues to confuse me. I feel anxiety and have obsessive thoughts questioning if I am attracted to this man or that man. My sympathetic nervous system kicks in around men sometimes and I hyper analyze if that is attraction. Well, I don’t have to ask that at all when it comes to women. There is no question, I literally melt and explode like a million fireworks.

Could I go have disconnected sex with random men to feel wanted and desired? Yes. Could I probably find a way to make myself come from that? Probably.

In my friend group there is so much pressure to be essentially “pansexual” or “fluid”, that friends of mine who I am pretty sure are lesbians are going around sleeping with men. Then they come back and say “yeah... it was fine, but he is just such a boy”. These friends have a tendency to go for trans women because they think “I’m attracted to women so I should be attracted to trans women right?”. “I like all genitals.. it’s about the person” but then when they have sex with vaginas they’re like “oh, right, I like this way better”. Or “I get bored quickly of penises, I never get bored of vagina” or “for some reason I don’t feel shame after I come having sex with vaginas.” It’s pointless.

That’s why I’m trying to turn the focus instead of who we COULD have sex with, to who we actually melt and explode for. That what sexual orientation actually is. We need this distinction because people are confused as hell.

And yeah, in this day and age the majority of people have attachment trauma and developments trauma in general. It’s sad. I am going into the field to help heal people of this. But it’s the truth.

[–]carrotcake 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Ok. I understood your point now. But women that feel pressured to sleep with men because it's cool to be pansexual and fluid are still being PRESSURED to sleep with men. Whether it's old day homophobia or cool homophobia, they aren't doing it for fun or because they are fluid. They're doing it because they feel like it's what they are supposed to do.

Edit: but your friends could just be bi that lean towards women as well.

[–]Skipdip[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yes, it is a type of internal pressure. They don’t even recognize it as homophobia because they see it as the most transcendent progressive way of all. I would also say that because of the cultural pressures they haven’t fully figured out that they are lesbian (or straight) in the first place. Any glimpse of anything that could be construed as attraction is grounds for “oh I must not be lesbian I guess I like men and should date them too”

And no, what bi means is googoogaga for both. All this percentage bs really doesn’t mean anything. You are not bisexual unless you could get fireworks either way. I have one friend who I think is bisexual because she is crazy about this trans woman. She is my only friend who calls herself a lesbian, ironically. My other two friends I really think are lesbian. One, who has been with like 20 random men and a few relationships with men, has told me point blank she has a “genital preference” for vagina. She happens to have a high level of dysregulation and a really high ACE score.

At the end of the day, I would love them even if they were straight, so it’s not just that I’m trying to build the lesbian ranks. But with all this TQ confusión going on it takes a discerning person to really figure out what we are looking at and who we are dealing with.

[–]yousaythosethings 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I don’t agree with your characterization of my experiences though.

Beyond that fluidity is real, that is casual attraction or engaging in physical intimacy for shits and gigs.

This is what I was responding to and what I disagree with. I think if a woman is proactively seeking out physical intimacy with men for casual fun that’s totally different and inconsistent with being a lesbian. I do recognize that you can have sex with someone you’re not arrested to. I also realize that some gay people have a much stronger negative attraction to the opposite sex than others. I’m closer to neutral than totally repulsed. Some gay men are just meh on breasts and other gay men are revolted. Same for lesbians in reverse.

I didn’t seek out casual physical intimacy with a man for fun. Some men tried to kiss me when I was heavily intoxicated. Some men asked me on a date or my friends pressured me fo go on dates but I didn’t initiate any of it. Nor would I ever want to. I had a relationship/relations with only one. And initiating physical intimacy did require heavy intoxication at first and yes a lot of dissociation later.

But you really don’t need to say “googoogaagaa” because sexual attraction vs lack of attraction and then also sexual repulsion vs lack of sexual repulsion sums it up.

I am sexually attracted to women. I lack sexual attraction to men, but I lack a lot of the sexual repulsion to men that many other lesbians have. There’s repulsion but I know it’s not on the level of others’ experiences.

[–]Skipdip[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Ok well looks like I choose the wrong words. Let’s forget them then, I think you know what I am talking about.

A main point I have, and the reason I keep saying googoogaga instead of “attraction” is because attraction can always be a question, “was that attraction? Am I attracted?” but googoogaga is undeniable and uncontrollable.

I am also neutral on male stuff. I am put off by sperm though, or any other liquids that come from a penis 😬

But then again, back when my attachment trauma and internalized misogyny was really bad I was afraid of vaginas. I couldn’t even touch my own. And I did not enjoy licking those of the women I was having random one night stands with. It took me healing a certain amount of my stuff, coming to terms with my internalized homophobia and misogyny, and being in a relationship with a woman I loved, to discover that I am crazy about vaginas. Bringing a woman I love to orgasm is one of the holiest most incredible things I could ever be blessed to experience. NowI can’t imagine ever being satisfied with a penis. It does seem boring, and I have no interest in getting it off. It would just be about what the penis could do for me.

That being as it is, why am I still so fucking hung up on whether I might secretly be bisexual!? It is an obsession, but it comes from the myriad cultural pressures. Including my homosexual brainwashed friends who are so deep in the QT head-scramble that they can’t see their own noses. And it’s not just them, it’s the entire culture right now. My ducking LGB friends straight up saying that homosexuality doesn’t really exist because “it’s fluid” and “everyone is a little queer”. And the mainstream culture colluding with this.