What's wrong with being a gold star lesbian?

submitted by Gynephile from self.Lesbians

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[–][deleted] 27 insightful - 2 fun27 insightful - 1 fun28 insightful - 2 fun -  (38 children)

Okay, listen, no one in their right mind would think a lesbian who has been raped is not a “goldstar.” So let’s just get that out there right now. You don’t believe it, I don’t believe it, and if someone does they are TRASH. Rape is not even close to the same thing as consensual sex. I find it REALLY REALLY hard to imagine a lesbian woman equating rape to sex. That is the most logical fallacy possible.

Coming out later in life is a different animal and that’s a case by case basis. It’s a lot more complicated and I think the late bloomers understand that.

[–]florasis 17 insightful - 6 fun17 insightful - 5 fun18 insightful - 6 fun -  (23 children)

Still, I don't get late bloomer much. Like there was a post about a lesbian who understood she was not bisexual after joining a BSDM group and dominating a man in dress, who then said to a trans after she came out as lesbian. I mean, I know that some people can take time and not everyone got kindergarten crush on girls like me, but, it blows my mind one takes so many years and sleeping with multiple men before understanding the lack of interest toward dick.

[–]VioletRemi 12 insightful - 5 fun12 insightful - 4 fun13 insightful - 5 fun -  (4 children)

If believe statistics, that at least third of straight women never having orgasm, I can guess that people just saying "it is fine to not feel good during sex in straight relationship" (remember that recent bisexual screen in LGBDropTheT?) so it is "how it supposed to be" told them all the time.

[–]florasis 23 insightful - 1 fun23 insightful - 0 fun24 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

It isn't just not having orgasm. It's totally lacking attraction toward males, inability to get aroused, aversion to cock. Hetero women don't get orgasms, but they feel arousal to dick. A lesbian at best feels nothing, and at worst, feels repulsion.

[–]VioletRemi 6 insightful - 3 fun6 insightful - 2 fun7 insightful - 3 fun -  (2 children)

True. Then maybe they think that not wanting men is part of not having pleasure and is normal too? :D

[–]florasis 14 insightful - 1 fun14 insightful - 0 fun15 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Do not know, seriously. I just don't get how someone takes so long for getting she isn't attracted to males.

[–]VioletRemi 5 insightful - 3 fun5 insightful - 2 fun6 insightful - 3 fun -  (0 children)

True, I always knew I am not attrackted to men, even while was married.

[–]MisandryFTW 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (8 children)

At least for me, I have ASD and experienced a lot of abuse as a kid, so I probably had a weird view of attraction and consent. I didn't even know about lesbians until I was a teen and I assumed that everyone was attracted to women since they were overly sexualized in the media, and that no one was actually attracted to men because they were gross. I assumed that all women just pretended to be into men to be polite and because they were expected to, just like how you have to do chores even though they aren't fun. Nearly all my consensual sexual activities have been with women, but men and boys are pushy and ended up doing things to me or pressuring me to date them (threatening suicide or violence). I was very grossed out by their bodies and everything about sex with them and it was nearly impossible for me to orgasm, which often made them violent because it hurt their pride. I would just immediately disassociate any time they were being sexual, then it was over eventually. When I was still a kid my mom found out I liked girls so she kicked me out. I stayed with a 30 year old male friend who pressured me into being his girlfriend and got stuck with him for 15 years because I was afraid to leave.

[–]florasis 13 insightful - 4 fun13 insightful - 3 fun14 insightful - 4 fun -  (7 children)

Wow, I get your nickname....

I'm fucking sorry, you're experience is horrible. I know lots of men suck but you seem to have met really the worst of the worst.

[–]MisandryFTW 11 insightful - 5 fun11 insightful - 4 fun12 insightful - 5 fun -  (6 children)

Lol, actually my name is because I was told by TRAs and cis men that I was being misandrist for excluding men from my dating pool.

[–]florasis 12 insightful - 8 fun12 insightful - 7 fun13 insightful - 8 fun -  (5 children)

Even normal men? Fuck them all. I mean, no, don't fuck them all :D

[–]MisandryFTW 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

I mean don't you know that "lesbian" is really just a porn category designed to arouse men, and lesbians are just women who are playing hard to get or saving themselves for the right penis? /s

I stopped going to the local gay bar because I kept getting men coming up to my girlfriend and I asking for threesomes or one creepy guy trying to force me to give him a blowjob in the parking lot while I was having an asthma attack and using my inhaler. I know bisexuals exist, but the gay bar is the one place you shouldn't hit on opposite sex folks, especially if they're clearly there with someone already. They have the entire world to hit on same sex folks. I told the blowjob guy he should go inside and ask literally any man for a blowjob and he got offended and said, "I ain't a [slur for gay men]!" I just can't anymore.

[–]florasis 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Did you denounce him to someone. That's a sexual assault and happening in a gay bar. Fucking absurd. I know the lesbian fetish and the misogyny, but your experience with men is really mind blowing.

[–]MisandryFTW 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I think maybe because I'm not good with boundaries and I used to be very conventionally attractive when I was younger in a way that predators are into. Tiny, long blonde hair, giant tits, looked young for my age, short and thin. I also dressed very feminine because I would get beaten and yelled at otherwise. I've noticed since I've gained weight, gotten older, started dressing more butch, and learned to be more assertive I've had almost zero problems with men. My girlfriend is tall and butch and assertive and she was almost never harassed. I've also experimented and if I go for a walk with all my skin covered but I'm wearing a long skirt I get catcalled, even though you can't see my body at all, but if I wear shorts or pants it's very unlikely.

Weirdly even women I didn't know would just start playing with my hair from behind without introducing themselves first. I would joke to my friends that it happened every time in the Trader Joe's cereal aisle and they're like, "yeah sure" but then we went to TJs and it happened in front of people twice. Middle aged women just start playing with my hair. One thing that's great about Covid is the 6 foot rule. My hair used to be down to almost my knees and dyed rainbow, so I was probably asking for it or something.

[–]florasis 8 insightful - 4 fun8 insightful - 3 fun9 insightful - 4 fun -  (0 children)

Ah, well, giant tits,blonde and very feminine, remind me of a porn actress. Maybe understand why you attracted so many males lol

[–]BigMommyMilkers 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I am very good at boundaries and being aggressive towards creepy men but it can still be a challenge at times. At 5ft6 and skinny even the lower % of the average male is capable of overpowering you and they know it, most of the time they do back off but occasionally they'll push harder and to be honest it's quite intimidating because you know this person can physically overpower you and there's not much you can do about it. I am always armed for this reason.

[–]FrostyNugs 9 insightful - 3 fun9 insightful - 2 fun10 insightful - 3 fun -  (4 children)

Exactly. That part definitely stood out about that DtT post to me, too. I can even kind of understand how someone might sleep with a guy once, with all of the pressure to "just try it once, just to be sure! How do you know if you've never tried it?" But how does someone not realize they aren't into guys until after they've slept with a bunch of them? Or joining a BDSM club, which is something someone will go out of their way to join because it is specifically of great interest to them, with the intent of having both heterosexual and homosexual relations? Nothing against those that do, it just genuinely confuses the fuck out of me and I don't get it.

[–]florasis 13 insightful - 5 fun13 insightful - 4 fun14 insightful - 5 fun -  (2 children)

I was kind perplexed too. I mean, a short relationship in teen years, totally understable. But years of believing you are bi, sleeping with men and joining perverted clubs , to get you're not into males at all. That's so absurd.

[–]StoneyTangawizi1 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I think they are self hating bisexuals tbh.

[–]Seahorse 9 insightful - 5 fun9 insightful - 4 fun10 insightful - 5 fun -  (0 children)

To be fair some bisexual women have been so starved of decent sex have this euphoric omg this is so great I must be a lesbian phase.

My friend had this, she literally said to me "Omg I think I'm a lesbian" and I was like...oh honey no you're not.

[–]StoneyTangawizi1 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I think those women are definitely bisexuals in denial if they need to sleep with multiple men all over the years in order to know whether they are a lesbian.

[–]Seahorse 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I just read that thread, who figures out they're lesbian from a kink group 😂🤣

[–]florasis 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

She either bisexual or not very smart...

[–][deleted] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Yeah, I don’t relate either, but i don’t relate to plenty of things, it seems. Lol

[–]florasis 8 insightful - 7 fun8 insightful - 6 fun9 insightful - 7 fun -  (0 children)

Not relate to plenty of things has been my reality since I came out of my mother .D

[–]LeaveAmsgAfterBeep 17 insightful - 1 fun17 insightful - 0 fun18 insightful - 1 fun -  (7 children)

^ I’ve been in exclusively goldstar groups because of how bad some of the anti-GS were (not the same thing as non-GS!) in an online community I was in that rarely but sometimes did bleed over into real life meetups. No one ever said this on the GS side, in fact a lot of the GS lesbians argued against such a thing— and many I have known have been raped or sexually abused by men.

The only people who I ever saw promote the idea that GS excludes women who have been raped were those in the “anti-GS” group- as a talking point to demonize goldstars— and it wasn’t the only dirty tactic they would use (suicide baiting, insults, shunning, lying, appeals to het/bi allies to interfere, etc). Most of the GS felt the term was either helpful to them pre/post coming out and so wanted it around so other young lesbians could find it, or found it tongue in cheek or light hearted enough to joke around with.

[–]TalerTest 16 insightful - 1 fun16 insightful - 0 fun17 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Anti-GS group? Do people really get together and steam over the fact that there's lesbians who have never had sex with men? That's honestly funny. What's even the goal?

[–]FrostyNugs 15 insightful - 11 fun15 insightful - 10 fun16 insightful - 11 fun -  (0 children)

Do people really get together and steam over the fact that there's lesbians who have never had sex with men?

Yes, they're called trans activists :)

[–]LeaveAmsgAfterBeep 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yes! Honestly they wanted us to 1) not use the term and 2) not speak about our lives. They claimed it was because “goldstar as a term is demeaning to them” but even if you didn’t use the term they’d jump on you. It’s 100% because they were traumatized and not getting treatment or making progress handling that trauma. We were there, having small discussions and repeatedly even if you made a joke that was only meant for 12 followers (not at anyones expense) someone would dig it up just to start shit. We were easy to find, and small because after years of being targeted a lot of us would wear it like a badge of honor.

It was WILD. It went on for about 5+ years but I left by then, my partner said it went on longer and I still see remnants of it going on today (almost 9 years later) in the same small public community.

[–]florasis 12 insightful - 2 fun12 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

So dumb. Imagine having nothing better to do than to worry and shit about people private sexual past.

[–]StoneyTangawizi1 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

What's crazy is that a lot of these anti-GS are supposedly so called "goldstars" themselves which confuses the hell out of me. Like why would GS be against their own kind?

[–]LeaveAmsgAfterBeep 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yeah some of them are, I think a lot of lesbians know the pain of being questioned and so project that onto the boogeywomen goldstars. Obviously if we refer to our experiences with a term, we somehow have.. power? We are always written about as “extremely fortunate” which is a hell of a leap, just because we did not suffer one type of trauma. To be honest, the anti-gs also have a crossover with polilez too, but not all. It’s... odd. For people who generally argued against anyone having sex they didn’t want, a lot seem against promoting ideas that you don’t HAVE to have sex you don’t want. Granted that should be a given by default for everyone including all women and all lesbians and goldstar shouldn’t be a rare status, but it still is. A lot of the anti-GS seemed to take pride in not being GS just as much as they hated having been through their truamatic experiences, so long as it was an excuse to actively shit on the small group of goldstars who got sick of seeing shit. At one point the words “how do you even know you’re a lesbian if you haven’t tried dick” was literally typed out by an anti-GS to us, along with a bunch of other “you’re not real lesbians and we’re better than you because we accept everyone” the old adage about being so accepting of everyone that the actual members are pushed out was never more beautifully illustrated than by that particular group who used the same arguments to (rightfully) critisize TRA and bisexual appropriators of “lesbian.” Just in too much pain and so afraid that we (idk 20 of us in a group of 400 to 1000 depending on the day?) somehow had “power” over them; when their group was much larger (maybe 100?).

It may sound irrelevant here, but I guarantee at least some of the discourse there spread to users on TL and here. Maybe not the same way, but witnesses of the shit show are likely around! 6 degrees of separation, etc. Same thing with polilez drama that same community encountered too, but hey at least I have some funny stories about some lady who sent herself fake threats to abort her baby “from lesbians,” her precious miracle “ShriMp Baby” whose sonogram she literally stole from the first result on google! 😝

[–][deleted] 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

That’s where I have seen it used as well and it’s deeply manipulative and horrible. I’ve seen some women who haven’t slept with men behave terribly online, but they are not the representatives of the majority. And there is no way in hell any lesbian thinks rape counts as consensual “sex” with men. That’s the dumbest bullshit on earth and the most whataboutery-style diversion ever

[–]MisandryFTW 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

Ever since I was a teenager everyone I hung out with said if you so much as kissed a boy or had a penis anywhere near you for any reason you weren't gold star. I guess my problem is implying that gold star makes you a better person somehow, when it actually just makes you a luckier person. To be fair, it was "male lesbians" who were saying the stuff about gold stars. I've since cut nearly all males out of my life and things are great now.

[–][deleted] 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

The only people who imply that goldstar makes you a better person are probably not actual goldstars. When I see people hating on goldstars they are mostly projecting. It’s actually really hard to be a lesbian for any of us. As someone who has not had sex with a man, I heard the whole “but how can you know if you haven’t fucked a guy” bit my whole life, as if i can’t tell that my body is not interested in them. Being a goldstar brings suspicion, just from a different angle than non-goldstar.

I imagine that young goldstars these days are VERY gate-keeping about lesbianism, and it’s honestly hard to blame them for feeling that way since everyone and their dog, and their BOYFRIEND are calling themselves lesbians. I would be extremely rageful if I were in that demographic, so I have some forgiveness for some of the more ridiculous gatekeeping I’ve seen, even if I don’t think it is legit

[–]MisandryFTW 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

I also get the "You just haven't fucked the right man yet." As if I need to fuck every man on Earth to prove I'm a lesbian.

[–][deleted] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Why would any lesbian go for plain old men when lesbians are the best boyfriends AND girlfriends at the same time?

[–]MisandryFTW 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

It's sad that they think the best thing they bring to the table is their dick.

[–][deleted] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

8/10 straight women agree. I have about 6 different dicks and that’s never what i promote myself as a lover and partner with. Lol