Yes I find myself explaining this to sympathetic straight people when they wonder why I’m not more out. There are literally gay people in my life who I am on good terms with, chat with frequently, and whose gaydar I have clearly pinged but I don’t know if I can trust them yet. They are woke and I don’t know how deep in it they are. One of them has worked on pro-trans law amicus briefs, for example. I had to do a virtual diversity training with her a little while ago and noted that the “gender” section seemed off and she was like “yes, of course they didn’t cover non-binary!” I also know that I’m driving another lesbian nuts by evading every question that is clearly meant to assess my sexual orientation.

It’s making me feel shady and like a total head case, but I’m legit afraid, especially with my career and my clients. And it’s easier to not talk about it at all. Otherwise I’m afraid of what I might say. Add COVID complications impeding meeting up and it’s a slow process of assessing someone’s trustworthiness.