How do you all feel about Blaire White?

submitted by Kai_Decadence from self.GenderCritical

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[–]TalkToTheVoid 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I don't think you're (or anyone is) rude or wrong or mean in calling trans people by the pronouns matching their actual sex.

Personally, I haven't known too many trans people in real life, but I have tried to call them by the pronouns they prefer. I have done it to be polite, and I've found that I struggle to stop being polite in this way, so for now I'll likely continue. Mostly because I feel distress when I am not, and sometimes because I either like or am indifferent to the trans person involved and I want to be accommodating to them. I don't see trans women as women or trans men as men at all though. Never have.

Over the last few months, I've realized that much like "TWAW", this "must use preferred pronouns" decree isn't about just politeness. It literally is a form of controlling someone's feelings. We make word associations in our heads and "she/her" and "he/his/him" are linked to different ideas and thoughts and feelings that come up in us when we use them. Using the opposite pronoun from someone's sex can cause cognitive dissonance. It can alter perceptions. It can plain old confuse us or cause us distress when we use the "wrong" pronoun. All of which is a burden, and not one trans people have a right to demand anyone carries for them.

I do think it's easier to use someone's preferred pronouns when they pass well. They don't deserve it more or anything just because they're able to play up to stereotypes, but I think it makes the burden on the other person lesser.

[–]Kai_Decadence[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Personally, I haven't known too many trans people in real life, but I have tried to call them by the pronouns they prefer. I have done it to be polite, and I've found that I struggle to stop being polite in this way, so for now I'll likely continue. Mostly because I feel distress when I am not, and sometimes because I either like or am indifferent to the trans person involved and I want to be accommodating to them. I don't see trans women as women or trans men as men at all though. Never have.

See and I can understand that. One thing I will say is that when it comes to real life settings, I would not "misgender" a trans-identified person. For example at the place I work out, there are like 3 obvious trans-identified people who come in regularly (2 "transwomen", 1 "Transguy") and I never call them by their sex-based pronouns. Because I understand the concept of time and place and that just isn't the time to do that. But when it comes to online and the nature of the discussions I'm having, I do speak out. If it's a trans-identified person I do like, I just address them as "they/them", I think that's a good middle ground where you're not insulting your own intelligence but also not offending the person neither.

I do think it's easier to use someone's preferred pronouns when they pass well. They don't deserve it more or anything just because they're able to play up to stereotypes, but I think it makes the burden on the other person lesser.

Yeah as a feminine presenting guy, I've been called "miss" or "her" a few times (especially at my job sometimes lol) but I just shrug it off. That said the "passing" ones don't get special treatment. Most of the ones who "pass" are usually homosexual men and from feminine man to feminine man, I don't give a pass if that makes sense lol.

[–]TalkToTheVoid 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yea that makes sense.

I used to think being polite in this matter was not much to ask, and for the most part I think I'd rather be polite than not and I'll call whoever whatever they want. But now, after reading a bunch, I think the enforcing of pronouns and equating mistakes in this matter with "violence" is a deliberate attempt to control.

I'm a reclusive person and I struggle with anxiety. I went to a conference/seminar sort of thing once, and they had a room of 30 people all say their pronouns out loud. Then when I was in a smaller group with a few people, there was a female person there whose pronouns were not she/her, but I couldn't remember what they were and so I had to ask again and the whole process was nerve-racking. Then I went on to default to "she/her" several times, by mistake, and feel like the worst person on the planet. In a space where we were supposed to discuss other ideas and concepts, my experience was consumed with getting this person's pronouns right. No one yelled at me or anything, so definitely me being an anxious mess is on me, but it's the TRA movement that's set up the whole specter of "misgendering as violence".

If there were no "literal violence" discourse around pronoun usage, I don't think it would matter, nor would it be a big deal, and most people would be willing to use preferred pronouns, because most people want to get along.

In online discussions and discussions with friends I've found my pronoun usage for trans people to be all over the place, and I'm not working too hard to make it go in either direction. I do wonder though, if I ever meet a trans person who is a jerk, will I be petty and use their biological sex based pronouns? It isn't usual for me to be petty, but if they're a jerk about gender issues, I wonder if I will feel compelled to stand-up to them through pronouns. I hope not, but all of this feels like a very confusing place to be in, and doesn't seem fair that it has to be that way.

"Yeah as a feminine presenting guy, I've been called "miss" or "her" a few times (especially at my job sometimes lol) but I just shrug it off." I knew a very male presenting lesbian who regularly got called "sir" because along with presentation, she had a relatively deep voice for a woman. She shrugged it off too, but sometimes people used it to harass her because she wasn't feminine. She didn't like that. I imagine it's the same for you?