[Vent] Vent about myself

submitted by iloveyou from self.GenderCritical

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[–]TurtleFuzz 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

It's OK to be uncomfortable sometimes. Nobody can go through life being completely happy and safe. Humans have learned to adapt and cope.

Does it feel scary not knowing all the answers? Heck yes. Does this mean we should immediately question everything we know about ourselves and change our entire lives? No.

If you're not on board with traditional/stereotypical feminine things, that's totally fine! That doesn't mean you are a boy.

For example, I love knitting, cooking and staying at home with my kids. I also love video games and anime, and I hate makeup, and don't often shave my legs or armpits. You can have diverse interests and self-expression and still be a woman.

[–]iloveyou[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Thank you so much. Do you mind if I ask - do you ever go out in shorts (or dresses) or with t-shirts or swimwear that might show your armpits not shaved? Have you even gotten comments? How do you deal with them? I am always very scared to have other people see that in me. That they might judge me or find me ugly. I never shaved my legs. One time I was about to, but I was scared to do it and ended up not doing.

When I told my friend I felt often that I didn't fit anywhere - she said she never felt that. Maybe she struggles with other things though. Can someone really feel that they fit in the world?

I like cooking too! I used to think I couldn't because that was a very woman thing. And maybe it is, but I fight to not let it affect me. Just like when I started sort of liking fashion (because I started letting myself shop in the male section), I felt that I was conforming to femininity (and as if that was bad, internalized misoginy?). But I'm just being myself. I'm not a label. I'm not a toy. I can have some things in common and others not.

[–]TurtleFuzz 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I do go out sometimes without shaving. Usually because it takes too long, and my kids are really needy (they are 3 and 1 year old). I do get some funny looks, but no one has made a comment to me in a long time. When it did happen, I would just pretend not to hear it and keep going about my business. People love to judge others, especially based on looks. It hurts at first, but eventually you don't even notice it. The "haters gonna hate" mentality does wonders haha!

Shaving can definitely be scary. And it's easy for me to say "don't do it, you'll be fine", because I don't know anything about you. But I do think you should try working on your confidence. Practice how you might react if someone says "ugh, look over there, she didn't shave".

I understand your feelings about not fitting in. I think a lot of people feel that way, especially when they're teenagers. Your whole body is changing and you feel like a stranger to yourself. But honestly, the only things you need to do to fit in are follow the laws, and like, not kill anyone lol. Just be a good person, and nobody will be mad about what you wear, what hobbies you like, etc. The way I see it, nobody has to "fit in" in the adult, working world. Everyone is so busy with their own lives that most people will leave everyone else alone :)

Cooking is one of those things that is so important to learn, that if you meet someone who can't cook, it's a deal breaker! I agree that it's usually women who cook for the family, but think about the loads of male celebrity chefs in the world. I doubt anyone is trying to convince Gordon Ramsey that "cooking is for women" lol. If you like cooking, then like it because you are good at it, or you enjoy how it makes you feel, not because "it's a woman thing".

Fashion is such a weird thing, because everyone has their own tastes. Yet the fashion industry is built around people liking the same things and buying them. I've never liked fashion, and my own style is really tame. And especially now that I stay home with my daughters, I mostly wear sweatpants and t-shirts most days! But I do like wearing dresses and nicer clothes when the occasion calls for it. I don't think that's "conforming to femininity" if you actually enjoy it. If someone forced you to wear skirts and dresses? Then yes obviously. But if you enjoy it, then I think it's fine! That's your preference and no one should shame you for it.

Sorry for the loooong reply, but I hope this help! Feel free to send me a private message if you want to keep talking or vent some more :)

[–]iloveyou[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you so much first of all for all the words and then also for the offer of exchanging private messages. Great about the kids, congratulations on being a mom :)

I don't think I've ever heard anyone make a comment directly about me. Then again I have my head in the clouds. Mostly I hear stuff from friends talking about their own legs. Then again I avoid going in shorts anywhere. Never with people I don't know - only with people I know since I was a kid because those will be used to it.

Cooking rocks! I would love meeting someone else who likes to cook.

And to be fair I don't love fashion a lot, more like, I hated going shopping, and now I like it a bit more - I hated clothes because none made me feel good and now some do. that's more what I meant. I wish I'd go in sweatpants everywhere. Sometimes I wish I would go in a dress too - but I'm usually afraid of being in a dress and not shaved as well.