Advice wanted: navigating pronouns

submitted by teacherterf from self.GenderCritical

Well, it finally happened: before our first class, a new student announced by email that "my pronouns are they/them". I haven't replied yet. For what it's worth, my job is as secure as these things get, so I'm not going to be fired for saying that I don't play pronoun games, but 1) I don't want to be a jerk, and 2) I don't want to end up in the middle of the latest viral ~controversy~. At the same time, I refuse to participate in this student's belief that a select few souls exist beyond the gender stereotypes that the other 99% of us supposedly "identify" with. Any suggestions on how to respond?

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[–]MarkTwainiac 27 insightful - 1 fun27 insightful - 0 fun28 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Ignore, don't engage, gray rock. This person is acting out of narcissism.

Any reasonable response you make, this person will find fault with.

If the student confronts you in person about not responding to the email, pretend you never saw it. Must've gone to your spam folder, or you overlooked it...

But even in person, be neutral. Just give a non-committal response like, "oh, I see" in a pleasant tone of voice but with a blank face and a vague air about you. But do not engage in a convo on this topic. That's just feeding the beast of narcissism and giving this student the idea that she or he can control and compel others' speech.

[–]Revision10 22 insightful - 1 fun22 insightful - 0 fun23 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

Just say you/your directly, and their name indirectly.

[–]teacherterf[S] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

That's the plan for how to interact with and reference this student. But how should I reply to the email that specifically asks me to use they/them?

[–]Revision10 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Was it to you directly alone? Do you always answer every email directed to you?

[–]teacherterf[S] 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

It wasn't just to me. I guess I could treat it as an informational email that doesn't require a reply...

[–]Revision10 20 insightful - 3 fun20 insightful - 2 fun21 insightful - 3 fun -  (0 children)

Perfect, ignore it yet still try to keep aware.

"Class, Karen asks to be the center of attention", "Give Karen the speaking staff" vs
"Class, Karen asks all attention needs to be on Xem", "Give Xem the speaking staff"

[–]yishengqingwa666 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Ignore it.

[–]itsnotaboutewe 18 insightful - 1 fun18 insightful - 0 fun19 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Don't respond and if the student corners you be neutral.

Student: Did you get my email? You: I did. S: You didn't respond to it. Y: That's correct. S: Why didn't you respond to it? Y: I didn't think it required a response. S: Well, what do you think of my request about using my pronouns? Y: I have noted your request. S: Will you be using my pronouns as requested? Y: I always take student requests seriously. You will have to excuse me as I am now late for my next class.

[–]jelliknight 6 insightful - 2 fun6 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

In reality though, if the student was this self confident they probably wouldn't be basing their identity on gender.

[–]our_team_is_winning 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Bending the English language is a burden to the ESL students and out of respect for non-native speakers, we will use only standard English in this class. The end. And definitely assign "The Emperor's New Clothes" and have people give a report on how it relates to the world today.

[–][deleted] 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

It's easy to avoid pronoun use unless you're speaking about someone indirectly. In that case I'd just use their name.

[–]SharpTomorrow 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

t 1) I don't want to be a jerk

Does your workplace have a specific "pronoun" policy? if not they don't you don't have to use preferred" pronouns at all. If it does then it will be tougher to avoid the pronoun game. And it has nothing to do with being a jerk or not. All that pronoun dance is stupid and a wast of time and energy.

[–]jjdub7Gay Male Guest Commentator 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

How old are the students? Anything below 16-17 and just assume its a phase. If the ice continues to thin, and the student tries calling you out (read: policing your speech), then it may be time to have a private discussion with the individual as to why it means so much to them, etc. - get the background story - and then subtly red-pill by providing GC/"Theory"-critical literature.

The most important thing to to do protect any negative repercussions is to allow them to assume your "allyship" early on as part of the institution, but that you don't get involved in such matters or address them in workplace settings because "professionalism" (and you can leave this open to ubiquitous interpretation).

Do not allow this individual to fixate on you or your opinions in relation to this aspect of themselves.

[–]jelliknight 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Are you in a small class where you're going to have to address and refer to this person often? Or are you lecturing? Or dealing with them directly?

You're probably going to be talking about this person in their presence far less often than you think, and when that comes up just use their name.

You may be picked up on it if you use pronouns where they can hear and if so just go "oh, ok." and carry on. If you forget to avoid pronouns right away and get picked up on it again just repeat "Oh, ok" and keep going. You're not refusing, you're just not able to alter your language and not willing to derail the discussion with a self flagellating apology that draws more attention and singles out the student.

To be honest, the non-binaries seem to be far less confrontational than the TIMs and probably won't pick you up on it at all. Just avoid them if you can.

[–]yishengqingwa666 2 insightful - 2 fun2 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

Ignore them completely.