Teaching women to be afraid hurts women

submitted by squintypreyeyes from self.GenderCritical

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[–]malleus_maleficarum 20 insightful - 1 fun20 insightful - 0 fun21 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

When I took women's self defence in my late teens, it was from a female instructor with 3 black belts. The first thing she said was "I have 3 black belts and I was still raped." She pointed out that there are situations where fighting back will get you killed and that men can punch women so hard that it can fracture our skulls or kill us outright. That was her class intro (!!) and her advice was "Never let your guard down. Always listen to your instincts."

When I travel, the number one thing men warn me about...is other men. Am I constantly terrified of shadows? Of course not. But I never let my guard down and it's saved me at least 3 times in the last 10 years from really, really bad shit.

My greatest fear of old age/physical decline is exactly what u/MarkTwainiac is describing. Men and boys have been engaging in a relentless onslaught of violent, predatory behaviour since I was 5 years old and it will never get better. It's why even 30+ years ago my mother/aunts were unmoveable on the topic of female-only home health aides for my grandmother. It's why my mother used to say she'd rather fall down the stairs and be eaten by coyotes than end up being victimized in a nursing home.

Thanks for saying this MT.

[–]MarkTwainiac 18 insightful - 1 fun18 insightful - 0 fun19 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Thank you in turn MM. I and so many women I know who are older, or dealing with health problems and disabilities, or who work as carers for vulnerable and homebound women are absolutely livid about OP's post and POV.

Also, as a het woman and mother of sons, I have no animus against men across the board. Several of my closest friends are men. Before I had disabling problems as well as afterwards, I've hired a good number of men to come into my home to provide all sorts of services - cooking, cleaning, decorating, organizing, IT troubleshooting, carpentry, general contracting, masonry, HVAC consulting, landscaping and gardening, roofing, computer programming/coding, website design, data entry, and a range of heath care services (but not intimate care). But FFS, in the case of all these men I've allowed into my home I've had the opportunity to interview and check them out beforehand!

On a number of different occasions in my life it's been my male friends, children, employees/helpers, apartment building staff and neighbors who've loudly raised alarms about the dangers of allowing certain other male persons into my home. Because males who are honest and decent are well-attuned to how creepy, predatory, pervy, abusive and violent some members of their sex are.

[–]malleus_maleficarum 14 insightful - 1 fun14 insightful - 0 fun15 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

One of the best things I figured out as an adult was that a lot of men are just as scared of violent men as I am. It was a good widening of perspective for me that let me truly hear more of what some of them had to say on the topic.

Also, I'm really tired of being told what boundaries I should have.

It feels recent: I've been noticing an uptick in this behaviour all around me for the last 5 years or so. I get that we all do it as humans: we all pick at each other and tell others what they should/n't do. It's part of being social animals. But it's a trait I'm trying hard to eliminate in myself (I'm always asking myself: Who do I want to be in two years?) and it's a primary issue that keeps me out of women's groups.

More and more I'm seeing other women dare to tell each other who they should vote for, where they should donate their money, etc. I want to hear other points of view, I may well agree after I hear them! But I'm not down with people judging each other as 'trash' or 'irrational' for having opposing experiences or voicing other opinions -- it feels like I'm constantly fighting the purity spiral in every single group I belong to. It's exhausting.

[–]Realwoman 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

It's good your instructor was brutally honest. Self defense classes can give women a false sense of security.

[–]malleus_maleficarum 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Every few years I have the honour of sitting down to dinner with a man who is the top instructor in his martial arts discipline in his country. He teaches men with multiple black belts, who are huge and fit and know how to handle themselves, how to get out of close quarters group assaults: being ganged up on in truck stop bathrooms, dudes coming at you with bats and wrenches when you're closing up your shop office late at night, etc. Not "win"...just get out before a traumatic brain injury or a shattered eye socket or death happens. That's realistic self defence: getting the hell away without being annihilated. They aren't walking around shit-scared any more than I am, but they are definitely walking around with an appropriate sense of their place in the universe.