Teaching women to be afraid hurts women

submitted by squintypreyeyes from self.GenderCritical

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[–]MarkTwainiac 47 insightful - 3 fun47 insightful - 2 fun48 insightful - 3 fun -  (12 children)

Wow. You seem to have absolutely no idea whatsoever of the sky high rates of sexual violence and other forms of predation and abuse - ranging from verbal abuse to theft to assault and battery, rape and voyeurism (with or without the use of hidden spy cams) - that women with disabilities and serious health problems routinely experience.

Women who live alone and have health problems that confine us to our homes a good deal of time, or render us entirely homebound, are extremely vulnerable to abuse from anyone we let into our homes, be it a home health aide, grocery delivery person, plumber or police officer.

Not all men are predators, but some are. The fact is, males are far, far more likely to be sexual predators, pervs and criminal-minded types who pose a real danger than women are. Statistically, women are unlikely to commit acts on strangers like home invasion, armed robbery, assault and battery, sexual assault, voyeurism, planting of spy cams, flashing of genitals, groping, publicly masturbating, etc. But there are tons of men who do this sort of stuff every day.

Predators are always on the hunt for easy pickings - and are well-known to choose certain lines of work, including work that entails going into people's private homes, because it gives them access to potential victims. Once predatory men realize that a woman with physical frailties and vulnerabilities lives alone, they are very likely to target her - not necessarily at the moment, but later on when they come back.

Women who are vulnerable due to disabilities, serious life-limiting health problems as well as the frailties that come with advanced age have very good reason and every right to be wary of the strangers we let into our homes. If a woman doesn't feel comfortable and safe within her own home, where do you suggest she go?

[–]MarkTwainiac 29 insightful - 1 fun29 insightful - 0 fun30 insightful - 1 fun -  (11 children)

I'm still waiting for OP to answer the question I posed hours ago: If a woman doesn't feel comfortable and safe within her own home, where do you suggest she go?

I ask this as a woman rendered disabled and homebound by disease who once was a top-notch athlete and fitness nut who studied physical defense and martial arts and was good at them, and who bravely travelled a good part of the globe, often on my own.

Yet for all that, my being healthy, fit and a fighter in my youth didn't prevent me from being cornered, groped and attacked by male schoolmates (age 7), molested by an adult male stranger (age 11), raped once (age 18), subjected to battery and attempted another time (age 20), subjected to a home invasion/break-in and robbery (age 37), robbed another time by a home health aide (age 55), and preyed upon by an endless stream of scammers and fraudsters since I neared and reached age 65.

Nor did my being fit, healthy and a fighter for a good portion of my life save me from being sexually harassed, groped, humped, masturbated at, stalked, pounced on, dick-waved at, hit on, leered at, so many times since the tender age of six that many years ago I stopped keeping count.

But in OP's eyes, women like me are wrong and "irrational" to be wary of who we let into our homes. OP, thanks for setting me straight and putting all physically and mentally vulnerable girls and women in our place. You've done taught us good.

[–]malleus_maleficarum 20 insightful - 1 fun20 insightful - 0 fun21 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

When I took women's self defence in my late teens, it was from a female instructor with 3 black belts. The first thing she said was "I have 3 black belts and I was still raped." She pointed out that there are situations where fighting back will get you killed and that men can punch women so hard that it can fracture our skulls or kill us outright. That was her class intro (!!) and her advice was "Never let your guard down. Always listen to your instincts."

When I travel, the number one thing men warn me about...is other men. Am I constantly terrified of shadows? Of course not. But I never let my guard down and it's saved me at least 3 times in the last 10 years from really, really bad shit.

My greatest fear of old age/physical decline is exactly what u/MarkTwainiac is describing. Men and boys have been engaging in a relentless onslaught of violent, predatory behaviour since I was 5 years old and it will never get better. It's why even 30+ years ago my mother/aunts were unmoveable on the topic of female-only home health aides for my grandmother. It's why my mother used to say she'd rather fall down the stairs and be eaten by coyotes than end up being victimized in a nursing home.

Thanks for saying this MT.

[–]MarkTwainiac 18 insightful - 1 fun18 insightful - 0 fun19 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Thank you in turn MM. I and so many women I know who are older, or dealing with health problems and disabilities, or who work as carers for vulnerable and homebound women are absolutely livid about OP's post and POV.

Also, as a het woman and mother of sons, I have no animus against men across the board. Several of my closest friends are men. Before I had disabling problems as well as afterwards, I've hired a good number of men to come into my home to provide all sorts of services - cooking, cleaning, decorating, organizing, IT troubleshooting, carpentry, general contracting, masonry, HVAC consulting, landscaping and gardening, roofing, computer programming/coding, website design, data entry, and a range of heath care services (but not intimate care). But FFS, in the case of all these men I've allowed into my home I've had the opportunity to interview and check them out beforehand!

On a number of different occasions in my life it's been my male friends, children, employees/helpers, apartment building staff and neighbors who've loudly raised alarms about the dangers of allowing certain other male persons into my home. Because males who are honest and decent are well-attuned to how creepy, predatory, pervy, abusive and violent some members of their sex are.

[–]malleus_maleficarum 14 insightful - 1 fun14 insightful - 0 fun15 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

One of the best things I figured out as an adult was that a lot of men are just as scared of violent men as I am. It was a good widening of perspective for me that let me truly hear more of what some of them had to say on the topic.

Also, I'm really tired of being told what boundaries I should have.

It feels recent: I've been noticing an uptick in this behaviour all around me for the last 5 years or so. I get that we all do it as humans: we all pick at each other and tell others what they should/n't do. It's part of being social animals. But it's a trait I'm trying hard to eliminate in myself (I'm always asking myself: Who do I want to be in two years?) and it's a primary issue that keeps me out of women's groups.

More and more I'm seeing other women dare to tell each other who they should vote for, where they should donate their money, etc. I want to hear other points of view, I may well agree after I hear them! But I'm not down with people judging each other as 'trash' or 'irrational' for having opposing experiences or voicing other opinions -- it feels like I'm constantly fighting the purity spiral in every single group I belong to. It's exhausting.

[–]Realwoman 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

It's good your instructor was brutally honest. Self defense classes can give women a false sense of security.

[–]malleus_maleficarum 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Every few years I have the honour of sitting down to dinner with a man who is the top instructor in his martial arts discipline in his country. He teaches men with multiple black belts, who are huge and fit and know how to handle themselves, how to get out of close quarters group assaults: being ganged up on in truck stop bathrooms, dudes coming at you with bats and wrenches when you're closing up your shop office late at night, etc. Not "win"...just get out before a traumatic brain injury or a shattered eye socket or death happens. That's realistic self defence: getting the hell away without being annihilated. They aren't walking around shit-scared any more than I am, but they are definitely walking around with an appropriate sense of their place in the universe.

[–]squintypreyeyes[S] 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

How am I supposed to answer such an... impassioned and emotional argument. Statistically women's fear of crime is disproportionate to the actual incidences of those crimes. Compared to men, we fear crimes that are less likely to happen to us, more.

Living in fear impacts quality of life and limits opportunity. It also implies that by limiting your own life (not letting tradies into your house, not going outside, not wearing certain clothes, not being alone) that you can control whether violence is done to you. No one can live like that.

Sorry about all that stuff happening to you though.

[–]MarkTwainiac 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

The women you are criticizing from your high horse are not "living in fear." They/we are exercising caution about who they/we let into our homes.

The one woman who made that OP on reddit revealed very little about her life. You're the one who has made up the narrative that she spends every moment "living in fear" out of whole cloth.

Again: If a woman doesn't feel comfortable and safe within her own home, where do you suggest she go?

Why are you so bothered by the idea that women have a right to feel safe in their own homes?

[–]squintypreyeyes[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

The woman who made that post on reddit didn't have a reason to fear that particular tech or she would have said so. She just didn't want a male tech in her home. I used it as an example because things like feeling scared when a man is biking behind you, or being tense during your uber ride, are difficult to quantify. Delaying medical equipment for months because you are so afraid of an incredibly unlikely scenario, on the other hand, is a very concrete example of harm.

I support giving practical advice in these situations, like dropping a mention of a non-existent husband or calling a friend; reasonable measures that does not impinge on the woman's ability to get medical care. But posts like yours are exactly what I was criticising. Fear mongering, validating women making bad decisions that harm them, appealing to emotion and ignoring the facts. After I read your initial post I was second guessing myself: Are the statistics way worse than I thought? Are women being attacked by people who visit their homes (to perform trades and services) constantly after all?

Of course the answer is no. And after all your fear mongering, heavily implying that having tradesmen over is a huge risk factor for rape and violence, it turns out you have benefited plenty from taking these "huge risks" yourself.

So to answer your question: That woman, and many others like her, had no reason to feel unsafe and uncomfortable in her own home, so she doesn't need to go anywhere.

[–]Realwoman 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I don't think you're getting it.

[–]missdaisycan 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

So you're invalidating someone's feelings? Ain't you woke.

The world really would be so much better if people thought exactly the way you do, right? /s

[–]Realwoman 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Living with a false sense of security can backfire spectacularly.