I know this isn't exactly about gender ideology, but it is about predatory behaviors, and about the way in which it seems many men see us as sexual objects without respect for our boundaries and discomforts. And I think if I hadn't been a member of this sub for a while and reading on the toxic nature of porn, among other things, I probably would've missed a lot of the red flags that led me to shut this man down. I guess this is a thank you post, a testimony of how those porn dynamics take shape in real life, and very frankly a means from me to speak about my experience because I feel pretty violated and awful and it would be a great help if some fellow GCers were to help me make sense of what just happened.
I believe common sense demands that I issue a trigger warning about the rest of this post. It will be sexually explicit and I will describe how I felt sexually violated and objectified by this man over the past week or so, therefore reader beware. From 2017 till summer 2019, I was a service supervisor in a couple of grocery stores. I had to switch stores a couple of times because I would get hired to put order in impossible environments where employees were refusing to work, though inevitably some of them would gang up on me because I was ruining the fun by demanding they actually do what they were supposed to instead of just chilling. That means a lot of people have my phone number since I would give it to them so they could let me know if they weren't gonna come in or were gonna come in late and stuff.
I got a new phone recently and obviously didn't transfer all of my contacts since I don't really text anymore, I'm more on Messenger. Last Saturday though I got a text from an untagged number, going "hey". I went "new phone, who dis". The texter identified themselves as Matthew and then suggested I send them a picture of myself or provide my full name so they could identify me. Obviously I refused since I had no idea who this person was, I thought it was kinda weird that they would demand I identify myself instead of just saying who they were or what they wanted. I was effectively creeped out at first, but I was also curious and I thought this might just be an old friend playing their idea of a prank on me without realizing it was actually pretty weird (some people, including my brother in law of now twelve years, have pulled those kind of tricks on me so whaddya know).
After a while, this person eventually identified themselves as the delivery guy in one of the stores. I felt relieved at that point, since he'd never been weird around me and I assumed he was just trying to identify someone in their contacts and thought it'd be fun to play games a bit.
He very quickly suggested we hook up. I appreciated that he would be forward about what he wanted and didn't lure me into just chilling when what he wanted was sex. I thought about it a bit : I don't know about others on here, but for me the pandemic has made me lose my usual partner (who moved in with his elderly, sick father) and my other casual partner has fallen in love, so it's kind of dead. Point is, I haven't had sex in almost four months and now that we are allowed to de-isolate, I'm kind of craving human touch. Plus the guy does massages for a living : to me at least it sounded like a pretty interesting prospect. I assumed he was in the same situation I was and thought I might enjoy one night of fun greatly, so I agreed and we planned on spending the night together on Friday (tomorrow).
Since then he texted me every day, asking how I was, which I found kind of weird since it seemed I was pretty much a booty call, but I responded whenever I had a minute. When he began showing signs of annoyance if I didn't answer I suggested we move on to Messenger as I genuinely didn't see his messages when he texted me while Messenger bubbles just stay up as a reminder, so I linked him to my FB profile, he added me and voilà.
Thing is yesterday a colleague of mine called in after her shift to let us know that she wouldn't be coming it to work for a while given that someone she's had close interactions with has just been tested positive. So being the careful person I am, I cancelled both the plans I had today of seeing a friend, and my date tomorrow. He said he understood.
So far so good.
Thing is, at around 6PM to me he texted me, telling me he was feeling pretty frustrated because he really needed to cuddle.
I was a bit puzzled at first, since I couldn't do much : I'm not gonna be a spreader, what are you trying to achieve by texting me this ? I quickly realized he was feeling like sexting, since he was bummed about the situation, and I was not necessarily against it given that I was bummed too.
But then he said something along the lines of : "I just know you're tight yum" And I was like wtf that's just gross why are you texting me this ?? I don't know if it's just me but it just doesn't turn me on to hear "i KnOw yOu'Re tiGhT"... like it seems like you're only saying this because it turns YOU on to say it "aloud" but... wut ? So he said "sounds like we should just call the whole thing off since you're close minded and obviously not that down". I was like how are you reading this ??? I was perplexed, and I said "Oh Lord" I assume his response should have turned me right the hell off, but it didn't : "You're already calling me Lord, that's great" I know it's cringe as fuck and should've been a major red flag, but my initial reaction was just to clarify that I am really not into BDSM. I'm pretty liberal on this, and if anyone is into this I seriously do not judge, but it's just not my thing. So he asked how I was in bed, saying things like "I just know you're wild because of how you behave", or "I just knew you would be turned on, admit you're burning at this point", "I wanna know what's going on in your little savage head ^{^} " Truth is, it is kind of hard for me to say no to such statements as I am pretty "wild" in bed. I enjoy things that I know some GC/radfem women would disaprove of, and I was indeed getting quite turned on when he said that he wanted to take me doggy style and pull my hair and spank me.
But I kept having this weird feeling that he was texting me those things to entertain his own arousal, without regards for my feelings and that he was picturing my own potential arousal as a factor of arousal for HIM. It didn't feel like he CARED what I was feeling.
At some point when I did mention that I was indeed aroused, he asked : "Does that mean I get a blowjob ?" To which I "naughtily" replied : "Depends if you're nice. Do you want it before or after ?" And he said : "Both" I couldn't help but think about all those porn videos where the woman is sucking a disembodied dick and chocking and gagging it, and after they fucked for some time she just sucks him again until he comes into her face. So I asked : "what about me ?" And he said " don't worry. You can even sit on my face" And I just saw the porn keyword "facesitting" in my mind. Like how in male oriented porn sites "facesitting" is this fantasy word that usually describes lesbian porn. A woman getting her crotch licked in a way that allows the viewer a good look on her vulva but doesn't really look like anything a woman might actually enjoy. For some reason I felt like even when he spoke of pleasuring me he was actually thinking of some porn fantasy where my pleasure was actually just some proof that I was into him. My pleasure would only be proof of my wanting him.
At some point in this conversation he had actually admitted that he "wanted [me]", and that it was "a kind of fantasy [he] had". He had known me as (an older) supervisor at work, someone who was known and getting hated on for not taking shit from lazy subordinates. And I just couldn't shake the impression that he was in a way fantasizing about objectifying me because I was somewhat of a powerful woman. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe not. But thing is that over 6ft tall man with a training as a security agent wanted to take me, a 4'11 short woman, doggy style, pulling her hair and make her sweat and mount him as she craved his dick.
It stunned me how his sex talk really was always about me wanting his goddamn dick. About how it would make him hard to know I wanted it.
And at that point the conversation went down such a weird way. He said he knew I was wild, but one only had to know the right touch.
So I said "of course, that and respecting limits when there are some". So he said "You do what you want safe from killing me lol" That sounded more than a bit weird, so I went "well, I just hope that's reciprocated" And then he said : I won't kill you, but I will choke you.
To which I responded : UH. NO. YOU'RE NOT.
"Why not ?" "Well for one cause I'm a little claustrophobic. Also because I know it can go wrong, and finally because one of my exes genuinely attempted to strangle (kill) me in the past so I'm not down at all" What was his answer ?? "Well now I want it even more." "You want to strangle me even more... ?" "Yess. I'm going to do it softly. " "Err no, just no" "I'm gonna tie you up x.x You're gonna shake all over . And you'e gonna come so much"

When he said that it was like all the red flags I had ignored were just waving in my face. I just told this man that my ex has genuinely attempted to murder me through strangling me, that I am claustrophobic... and it just seemed like it was turning him on and motivating him to put me in a situation where he felt distressed. I had kind of felt it the whole time, but it genuinely seemed like this man had fantasized about me like I was an object for two years. He was now speaking to me and conveying to me his fantasies about tying me down and chocking me, about me blowing him, about me coming on his dick. Assuming that his desire of me had been shared and repressed by me.
I am kind of distressed that I welcomed his advances at first and agreed to have him over, and I feel guilty that I got turned on by his initial description of us having sex.
I feel like this is my fault somehow, that I should've known. Thing is, I'm shivering at the thought of what might have happened if I hadn't called off our date because my colleague was possibly infected with covid.
He never seemed to care much about my boundaries and questions. He always seemed to be focused on enacting his fantasies. What if I hadn't had to cancel our date and he had come over here ? What if he had attempted to choke me, I had said no, and he only had gone on ? This sub allowed me to spot those apparently pornish/objectifying patterns, which I downplayed when they were first put forward to me. What if it hadn't ? The whole time I was trying to be forgiving and understanding, but the alarm bells were still going.
I don't know how useful that post has been, but if anything, girls, trust your instincts. This isn't the first time I have had this feeling : the first time the guy drugged and raped me. The second the man forced himself into my home and I had to call the police for him to leave. This time, I again ignored my instincts, and he showed his true self before it was too late.
I will sleep rather ill tonight thinking of everything that could have gone wrong if I hadn't known he got off on choking girls, and got off even harder at girls telling him they are terrified of it.
Trust your gut. I know it's no easy, and the whole time I just had it in the back of my head that I was only trying to "be nice" and that this is exactly the problem with patriarchy.
We have a saying in my language, and it goes something along the lines of : "the first impression is usually the best" Don't disregard signs because you want to give someone a chance.
When they're making you unconfortable, there is usually a reason. Trust. Your. Gut.

Thank you to anyone who read my wall of text