Both: Disclosure around adoption

submitted by peakingatthemomentTranssexual (natal male), HSTS from self.GCdebatesQT

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[–]peakingatthemomentTranssexual (natal male), HSTS[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

Mainly that she would be upset if she learned about it later. I remember we discussed adoption before, and you said you and your partner were going to be open with your child. Kids are bad at keeping secrets. What happens if the birth mom finds out you're trans because of something your child says and is upset?

This is a good point. We are still planning on being honest about my history (when he or she is old enough to understand). We would never ask our child to keep it secret either.

I feel like if we told the birth mother, we’d want to do it after she had gotten to know us a little. I’m not sure if it’s something you lead with, but that could me own discomfort about it. It’s so easy so just tell someone you can’t have children and they will fill in an explanation in their mind. It’s not even dishonest per say, but maybe it is misleading because you know people aren’t assuming the right reason.

[–]worried19 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Yeah, I don't think you need to necessarily mention it on the first visit. Let her get to know you first. And then at some point bring it up.

We are still planning on being honest about my history (when he or she is old enough to understand). We would never ask our child to keep it secret either.

Not like I have a whole lot of personal experience with this, but I'd just be open from the very beginning. That way you never have to decide when the right time to tell the child is. I know my mom always knew she was adopted. My grandparents didn't wait until a certain age to tell her. It would probably makes sense to do the same thing regarding you being trans. Just mention it casually. Maybe make a photo album for your life story and tell or show the story to your child so he or she just grows up knowing it.

[–]peakingatthemomentTranssexual (natal male), HSTS[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Not like I have a whole lot of personal experience with this, but I'd just be open from the very beginning. That way you never have to decide when the right time to tell the child is.

I don’t think we’d ever not be honest about it. I do feel like it would be difficult to explain at too young ages though.

Maybe make a photo album for your life story and tell or show the story to your child so he or she just grows up knowing it.

This is an interesting idea! I don’t really have photos from when I was a child. My family has some I’m sure, but they sort of disappeared from view during my teens because I think my parents felt weird displaying them. I may think about doing this. I already have been scrapbooking the adoption process. Craft projects are fun!

[–]worried19 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I wouldn't get into the nitty gritty of dysphoria with a young child, but maybe something like "When Mommy was little, she was a boy. When she grew up, she was unhappy and decided to live her life as a woman."

Remember little kids don't have any concept of what's normal and what's not normal. For them, their mother having been a boy once upon a time is normal until they're taught otherwise by society.

I already have been scrapbooking the adoption process. Craft projects are fun!

I had another idea. You know you can also make personalized books, either with photos or illustrations. You could create and print your own or go to a website to order one. There are lots of options.

[–]MarkTwainiac 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

We are still planning on being honest about my history (when he or she is old enough to understand). We would never ask our child to keep it secret either.

Glad to hear you aren't planning on asking the child to keep your history and sex a secret (though given the power differential between parents and children, parents "asking" young children is essentially the same as "telling" or "commanding" and "coercing" them).

At what age do you think a child will be "old enough to understand"?