GC/QT - How should this situation have been handled ethically? (Husband decides they're MTF and starts to transition 15 years & 3 kids into a Christian marriage) - How do you feel this should have played out? I really have no idea so thought I'd ask y'all.

submitted by divingrightintowork from masslive.com

sorted by:
top
newinsightfulfun
you are viewing a single comment's thread.

view the rest of the comments →

[–]luckystar 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (15 children)

(GC leaning) I wrote a longer comment but it was eaten. Anyway my quick thoughts:

  1. The ultra conservative Christian culture is not helping b/c this man clearly knew he had this fetish or "trans identity" all along but tried to hide it and be a normal husband and father. We'd be better off promoting letting people live how they want. As long as they don't violate the rights of others (eg: men with fetishes claiming to be real women and trying to access women's spaces), then there's nothing wrong with having a cross dressing fetish. A more accepting society would make this scenario less likely.

  2. Lots of people outside GC spaces say the whole AGP thing is made up, but there are just way too many cases like this for me to believe AGP isn't real.

  3. When you have kids, they come first. Always. Not clear to me how transitioning would benefit the kids -- might be better for dad's mental health but social, financial, emotional costs on all involved are high.

[–][deleted] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (14 children)

You get that parents having bad mental health cause problems for kids right?

[–]luckystar 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (13 children)

Yes, see my point 3. It ultimately comes down to a value judgment. I think the benefit of having a happier dad(or mom as it were) is probably not outweighed by the financial, social, and emotional costs-- in this case for instance, a divorce, and single parent families are known to correlate with worse life outcomes for the kids. Transition can be incredibly expensive and time intensive. Social cost - kids getting bullied at school because "your dad wears dresses". Family ties weakening or breaking. (Note that I'm not saying judgmental family/peers is a good thing, but it is a reality that has to be considered, especially in the conservative South). People make great sacrifices for their children all the time, whether or not you think that's the right choice is just a matter of opinion.

[–][deleted] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (12 children)

And finding your parents body in the bathroom is a pretty big negative. Or a depression spiral from untreated dysphoria causing you to become extremely distant and lose that precious, precious job.

You can’t be an effective parent if you don’t take care of yourself.

[–]luckystar 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (11 children)

How did they make it this far without offing themselves you think?

[–][deleted] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (10 children)

Exhausting coping skills? The fact that trauma is cumulative? The fact that aging is a noted trigger for dysphoria since the idea of aging of dying as your birth gender is often a point of stress idea? Unhealthy coping mechanisms like self medication that would also impair their ability to parent? Forcing themself to have a family in the hopes that sufficient gender conformity would let them wade it out only to realize they aren’t that strong?

[–]luckystar 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (9 children)

Point is, whatever they did to make it this far, they can continue further for the sake of their children's well being. I don't take kindly to the suicide threats -- that's just manipulative emotional blackmail. When anyone commits suicide, the family and friends are told "There was nothing you could have done, they were battling their own demons". If we don't blame the family for other kinds of suicides then we can't blame the family for gender/trans related suicides either.

[–][deleted] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (8 children)

Your refusal to understand cumulative mental stress is bordering on simple denial.

That’s not a threat. People who can’t get treatment for gender dysphoria often attempt suicide. That’s just a fact. And in these cases there is “something they could have done”. Gotten the trans person the help they needed.

You clearly have no respect for mental health needs.

[–]luckystar 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (7 children)

Suicide is never the fault of others. There are other ways to manage mental health problems besides immediately throwing all one's money and attention into pursuing the unachievable ideal of a female body. Maybe transition is a preferable treatment for some, but not at the sake of one's children.

I don't know how to explain to you that children are more important than the parents. This might also be a cultural divide or something, I know American culture often values the individual over the family unit. I will always put my family first, no matter the challenges. Please don't assume I'm not familiar with mental health needs either.

It is interesting how it's all these male born people abandoning their children to focus on their own needs, and yet they want us to believe they're women. Women would be so harshly judged by society for doing the same thing. It seems very rare that a middle aged mom comes out as a man. Any ideas why that might be?

[–][deleted] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

Parents with untreated mental illnesses are bad parents. Transition is the only effective treatment for dysphoria.

And I don’t know how to explain to you that human existence is defined by more than slavish devotion to your children. Parents don’t stop being human because they procreate. I have a lot of resentment to my parents but I didn’t expect them to martyr themselves for me.

It seems very rare that a middle aged mom comes out as a man. Any ideas why that might be?

They pass better and masculinity expiramentation is accepted so there’s less stigma. They don’t push themselves to the brink of suicide before transition in the hopes of avoiding it like many trans women do.