The “Gold Star” Problem

submitted by WordsHaveMeanings from self.Lesbians

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[–]funk_transcender 20 insightful - 1 fun20 insightful - 0 fun21 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

Honestly, there are so few of us, the last thing we need or want is breakaway groups and more division. I think I'm just a bit frustrated with the last couple of days of r/BiologicalLesbians where there seemed to be a new gold star-related post every other day.

It'd be great to live in a utopian world where homophobia didn't exist, lesbians were represented in the media in a healthy/classy/non-toxic way, where you didn't feel it necessary to deeply suppress being attracted to woman as a GNC woman who feels very 'different' to the woman around you, where 'lesbian' wasn't thrown at your face as an insult through your teen years, where woman not enjoying sex with men is normalised, where the nuclear family with a mother and father and 2.1 kids isn't glorified by society, etc.

It's not the world we live in though and frankly never will be, lesbians are always going to be a sexual minority and this species tends to have a lot of psychological complexes about sex. I'm truly happy for those who could come to terms with everything and I do admire them, but this implicit expectation that eventually every lesbian will be a goldstar is just not realistic and non-goldstar lesbians will always be a sizeable proportion of lesbians. Lesbians are still people and they have wide ranging personalities, some are introverted and neurotic, some are extroverted and extremely comfortable with themselves, some intensely care what those around them think, etc.

I know I can just avoid all those posts, and generally I do, but I think people who constantly bring up this gold star topic don't realise how uncomfortable it is to be thinking back to moments you deeply regret and that again are often mildly (or fully) traumatic to think about. It's not fun to have sex with someone you have zero capacity to be attracted too. It's awful. It comes from a place of deep denial and self-hatred. I would probably be more open to these conversations if the whole subject wasn't treated so casually honestly.

[–]funk_transcender 14 insightful - 1 fun14 insightful - 0 fun15 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Also, in relation to OP, that trans person seems to just use the term 'goldstar lesbian' as a proxy to 'all lesbians', but that would just make their lesbophobia too transparent. I agree it's gross, and it's wrong that the term is used like this to basically project every negative lesbian stereotype in a way that is for whatever fucked up reason in certain social settings seen as 'more acceptable' or 'more nuanced'. My initial takeaway from the post is this is a mentally unhinged person in an environment full of mentally unhinged people who will enable whatever questionable lectures they come up with. Lesbians being pushed out of LGBT groups is unfortunately the norm now and this instance was just that.

Maybe I'm out of the loop on how the term is being used in mainstream LGBT circles, that would certainly contextualise more the sudden focus in this term. But I still think the best thing to do here is ditch the label entirely. It has misogynistic undertones to me, gay men to my knowledge do not have an equivalent term - and if they do, it holds no where near as much relevance. The existence and proliferation of this concept sincerely seems to be a lose-lose situation for lesbians.

[–]reluctant_commenter 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I think people who constantly bring up this gold star topic don't realise how uncomfortable it is to be thinking back to moments you deeply regret and that again are often mildly (or fully) traumatic to think about. It's not fun to have sex with someone you have zero capacity to be attracted too. It's awful. It comes from a place of deep denial and self-hatred. I would probably be more open to these conversations if the whole subject wasn't treated so casually honestly.

I relate a lot to this. Thanks for saying this.

[–]funk_transcender 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Thank you for the reply. I actually had to go off this site for a couple of months after this whole conversation and have a breather, since it was feeling too toxic. It means a lot my emotional vent at least offered some solace to at least one person feeling the same. I'm pretty happy to come back and see the fixation on this topic seems to have settled down a bit, thank god.

[–]reluctant_commenter 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Hey! Yes, it did make me feel better; at the time I saw this conversation, I felt too hesitant to say it, myself, and I'm really glad you did. You hit the nail on the head.

I actually stopped hanging out on s/lesbians almost completely, but I think some of the older regulars who would talk about "goldstar" and bash bisexuals) are gone, I've noticed more thoughtfulness in recent posts. But I still mostly hang out on s/lgbdropthet. I've been meaning to get a more positive LGBmemes sub started for a while. You're one of many people I've talked to who got disheartened and left this sub temporarily or permanently, or who just needed a break because the topics were too negative.

Also, re-reading your comment I completely agree with this as well:

but this implicit expectation that eventually every lesbian will be a goldstar is just not realistic and non-goldstar lesbians will always be a sizeable proportion of lesbians. Lesbians are still people and they have wide ranging personalities, some are introverted and neurotic, some are extroverted and extremely comfortable with themselves, some intensely care what those around them think, etc.

Hope you're doing well. :)