I've been struggling with some feelings over all this for a while. Basically, in real life I'm surrounded by traditional homophobia... the kind that says that gay people are going against god, that it's a choice, that it's gross, that it's a sin. My community is not supportive. Then, online, whenever I try to look for support, I'm surrounded by queer theory. This is made worse by quarantine, me having a job that requires me to be online often, and me honestly not having many friends (I am an introvert).

The "sexuality is fluid" stuff triggers me. It makes me feel sick and disgusting. Because it seems like inevitably, when they say that they only are talking to women or gay people. So as lesbians we get a lot of it. Sometimes I purposely seek out threads on places like actuallesbians and read all the things by the "lesbians" who are "fluid" and love sleeping with men. It makes me feel like shit. It makes me feel like I don't exist and am a lesbian by choice so its my fault my community doesnt like me. It makes me feel ashamed because I have never slept with a man and so it makes me feel like maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. And like I should have tried it and seen if I could get used to it. I feel this compulsion to read these threads that make me feel terrible. It feels like some kind of self harm.

Over the last year, I've also had some strange fantasies (again, trigger warning) that I don't understand. I have rape fantasies about men, but not just any man: a man who is old, fat, ugly, ridden with STDs, and incredibly misogynistic and homophobic. Sometimes something that isn't human. In my fantasy I am raped to prove that I'm not really gay and that I'm just a stupid girl. I often get beaten badly or mutilated. Or I'm prostituted by a trafficker and left for dead. The core of it is always proving that I'm not really gay and need to be taught otherwise.

Obviously, I don't want something like this to happen to me. When I try to picture myself with a man, I feel like I would feel sick or traumatized afterward. At the very least it sounds uncomfortable. I don't look at men's bodies and find that attractive.

Another layer to the problem... I feel like I have some kind of gender dysphoria that is caused by me being a lesbian. I feel like if I was a straight man, these things wouldn't bother me anymore. I wouldn't feel stupid at all, I wouldn't feel like these homophobic messages were even about me. But the problem is I wouldn't want to be a trans man, I would want to be a regular guy. But that's impossible.

I have a long term partner and she is the only one who I talk about this stuff to (but not in as much detail). She wants me to go to therapy and thinks I should delete social media because it's causing me breakdowns. She is the only person who makes me feel like I'm fine the way I am. I just feel like I need help but I'm confused and kind of scared.