Sick of "womanhood" and "femininity"

submitted by RedditHatesLesbians from self.Lesbians

For context I'm 16 and starting college (UK) in September. Rant.

I know I'm young to be sick of this already but it's so much. I'm at the age where I'm not left alone to be a kid anymore, instead I'm being confronted by expectations left and right.

I have to style my hair this way, wear this, put on make up if I want to get a job, put on make up if I want to look presentable. What's wrong with my normal face? I get told by all the women in my family that I could be so pretty, if only I xyz. Which ends up being some torturous beauty regime, some impractical hairstyle or stiff clothing meant to accentuate your ass so men can better stare at it I guess. I even got told by an older friend of my grandma's who's known me since I was very young that "you're not Patti Smith, the androgynous look has been done. It's not a necessary political statement anymore. You just look like a lesbian."

I don't want to be pretty. But of course everyone around me my age and older is engaging in all of these things and it's a bonding thing. A pack mentality, because the moment they see that I'm not like them and I don't care I'm ignored or even treated coldly by my peers. I've always been called "weird" but now, since all the girls have been fake tanning and wearing make up and fake nails for 2 or so years, they look at me and judge. I have no idea what exactly goes through their heads but the judgement is very apparent. I'm not trying to be all high and mighty and not like the other girls. This is just my experience and I'm not proud that I didn't "succumb to societal pressure" or whatever because I wish I could, it would make my life so much easier.

Rant over

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[–][deleted] 18 insightful - 1 fun18 insightful - 0 fun19 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I'm not proud that I didn't "succumb to societal pressure" or whatever because I wish I could, it would make my life so much easier.

As someone who grew up in a similar situation, it's not easier. At first it may feel easier because people start treating you differently but that treatment is a double edged sword. Womanhood sucks, because no matter what we do it's never good enough. That pressure to conform when you don't naturally gravitate towards feminine traits, hobbies, clothes, or habits is awful. Everyone is always trying to make you feel wrong for existing in your natural state.

The truth is people will be rude and judgemental. Sometimes those people will be very close to you. Their behavior will hurt the most because you care about them. I tried to force myself to be more feminine and it was the worst. Though I got more compliments from family, friends, and strangers I was more self-conscious and miserable than when I was just dealing with rude comments for being GNC. I decided to value my own comfort over societal expectations and haven't regretted a thing since.

[–]RedditHatesLesbians[S] 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

This is very inspiring, thank you.

[–]Gearbeta 17 insightful - 2 fun17 insightful - 1 fun18 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

Haha this is reminding me of after the like 2000th fight about my hair I said I didn't want to get relaxers any more my mother screamed at me "SO IS THIS JUST YOU COMING OUT OF THE CLOSET??? ARE YOU GAY NOW???". But IDK, I'm 29 rn from the US and when I was your age I definitely felt what you're feeling, it seemed like most of the girls in school had the same over-processed beauty look and not only did I not want to look like that, I felt like I couldn't look like that even if I wanted to. (because I was like the only black kid in the class) But I feel like as I've gotten older its easier to be more relaxed about things, you can choose your own style that suits you whether that be feminine or not. I'm mostly a low maintenance type of woman but I'll wear a dress or make up if the occasion really needs it but otherwise never wear it. But maybe things have changed since I was younger.

[–][deleted] 15 insightful - 1 fun15 insightful - 0 fun16 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I say fuck it and just do you. If I’ve learned anything it’s been if you are being nothing but your own unapologetic self the stuff people say or do tends not really affect you. If they don’t like it it’s their problem.

[–]oofreesouloo 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Hi! I think my perspective might help you see a positive light on things. Despite me being a femme lesbian, I don't and have never felt like the other straight women. I have a really different mentality from them and, honestly, I can't understand them on several levels. For example, many use religiously make up every day. I personally don't agree with that. I like to see the natural beauty of a woman. In fact, I prefer to see the natural beauty of a woman. I think make up is fun and beautiful on special occasions. When you use it every day, it loses its effect and, honestly, I don't want to date a plastic doll (I'm a femme attracted to other femmes). I don't use make up on a daily basis, only on special occasions. I feel like many of them do certain things MAINLY for the men. I don't. I do it purely and firstly to myself and then for the women LOL. But I'm not looking for their approval, just like straight women are many times looking for men's approval. Women notice on details and I love to put effort on details and having them notice them 😍 This sometimes applies with feminine gay men too LOL. I do it for the fun. I feel like many straight women, on the other hand, are highly insecure and always trying to fit in the unrealistic beauty standards that society and men impose them. They think "Am I hot enough?", "Will he notice me?". I don't feel any of that, as a lesbian. I like to feel beautiful for myself, only. I don't give a crap if that guy thinks I'm ugly or doesn't want me. In fact, I appreciate that he does lol. I want women's attention, but it's a much healthier and totally different attention than the path straight women go for. Just screw what others think of you. I know it's easier said than done, for sure. But just to let you know that even myself, who is "straight passing" has a very different experience than the heterosexual women and even myself feel out of place many times.

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[deleted]

    [–]lmaonope333 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    glad you're back

    [–]WildwoodFlower 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    I think you should just be yourself. (By the way, Patti Smith is straight, so that takes care of the "androgyny=lesbian" argument.)

    [–][deleted] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    I know it's rough. I'm not a fan of dressing like what you described but the unfortunate reality is that people will judge you if you look scruffy. Especially in the workplace you have to groom yourself nicely or people will think you're unprofessional. I'm not saying you have to wear heels, slather on makeup and be dressed up to the nines, but maybe go for a look that's neat and tidy. I don't wear makeup, heels, I'm not a big fan of dresses, but I've learnt that a decent haircut, learning how to do a nice bun, clean well-fitting clothes, and a nice uni-sex perfume go a long way. For work, a pair of tailored looking pants and a collared jacket could be a more comfortable option for you when you start working.

    It sucks when you're a teenager though, I was a tomboy growing up and people would keep their distance. It gets better when you leave high school because you can surround yourself with friends you have more in common with :) I wouldn't try to be more feminine though, just brush up. I tried that for a bit and you definitely get tired to keeping up the act!