Have any of you ever given up hope on finding love?

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[–][deleted] 23 insightful - 1 fun23 insightful - 0 fun24 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I wouldn't say that I've thrown up my hands and walked out on it. I'm just very strongly convicted on my values and I refuse to compromise. I'd rather live a lonely life than an unfulfilling one.

[–]Jaded 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I think this shows that you have a healthy view on what a relationship should be. Values are important and aren't something that should be compromised on just to be in a relationship for relationships' sake. Longterm happiness and fulfilliment are key-- women are conditioned to set the bar low an accept less than what we want. Good on you for not bending

[–]FluffyPotato 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

This is good! Sorry I am new posting here. I used to back on Reddit. Sigh. I have journals I write in, and one is my field manual of sorts, and my non negotiables. I focus on things I will accept, and things that are just a nope.

There are too many mediocre things in life. Love should not be one of them.

[–]Innisfree 15 insightful - 1 fun15 insightful - 0 fun16 insightful - 1 fun -  (9 children)

I've retreated from that idea of love. Mostly because my experiences so far have been with women who initially overwhelmed me with their feelings and as soon as I started truly falling for them, they moved on.

As a result I think this idea that women quickly fall out of love, the fact that "newness" is important to them to be in love (plus that lesbian bed death cliche) took root in my brain (which I wish it didn't).

So yeah, I've accepted the fact that "I'm boring" and at this point don't even have the energy to engage in a relationship.

But ppl take heart, there's a reason why in lesbian culture women over 40 are considered hot and are sought after. There's no way that someone over 40 can be considered boring, as long as they have their lives figured out and their feet firmly planted on the ground.

Edit: spelling

[–]florasis 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (8 children)

Really? I've got a thing for older women. And would be awesome to date some confident and experienced 50 years old cougar, and I'm 25. But come on, plenty of old people are boring. Also, depends on your idea of boring, which is very personal, and depends on what you seek in relationships.

[–]Innisfree 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

Oh yeah older women are cool. I think it's because past a certain age people feel comfortable with themselves, consequently there's no nonsense in the relationship.

As to the boring thing yeah I agree with you. It's the vibe, or 'accussation" :) I've been getting from my friends circle who are all super progressive and QT. But I'll see what they think in 5-10 years :)

[–]florasis 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

I'm very introverted and I could be considered boring by the average extroverted person, cause between going to a party and play videogames, i tend to choose the second option. I don't give a fuck though. I cannot pretend to being something I'm not, or behave like everyone else, just to appease to people. In me you can find someone who likes deep conversation over small talks and will always put your wellbeing at the center, if she loves you. If someone is interested in more extroverted type, I won't be the one.

[–]Innisfree 3 insightful - 2 fun3 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 2 fun -  (3 children)

Yep, that's the spirit I'm cultivating. I politely smile at their antics while I retreat to my cave. :)

[–]florasis 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Aw, I really want a woman with this character to share my cave with :D

[–]Innisfree 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

We should look up older lesbian speleologists. They like caves :D

On a serious note, you'll find her, just let the covid be over.

[–]florasis 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I'm on a phase of life, where actually don't want relations. Because life is going to change a lot for me in the next year. I will likely change country, and I have no idea where I'll live, so I think I don't want anything serious,until I'm with a stable condition. But you will find your boring soulmate too :)

[–]FluffyPotato 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I posted about this, although I am not 50 :) I am younger but still considered cougar. I am not hitting on you, but you would never be bored around me. My hobbies are numerous, like my education. And silliness goes a long way! If someone wouldn't just totally mess with me in a good way on a dating app, that would just be awesome if I had some funny, off the wall banter going on.I'll keep dreaming.

[–]florasis 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I really need to try an older woman lol

[–][deleted] 12 insightful - 2 fun12 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 2 fun -  (4 children)

yeah! i just wish it didn't bug me so much. plenty of people seem to not really care for that sort of thing and i envy them a lot lol. i try to remind myself that there are far worse fates than being alone & to be grateful for what i do have. <3

[–]florasis 16 insightful - 1 fun16 insightful - 0 fun17 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

I see plenty of people just staying in relations for the fear of being alone. Being able to stay alone is something only a minority of introverted people who like their own company, can do

[–]FluffyPotato 4 insightful - 7 fun4 insightful - 6 fun5 insightful - 7 fun -  (1 child)

Yes! One older woman messaged me (and I am the cougartown, lol) and I asked her about some things and she said, and I quote "I do not want to die alone, will you date me?"

Tempting, but no.

byyyeeeeeeeeeee

[–]florasis 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Well, she should have try to use a better line LMAO

[–][deleted] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

yeah, that's true. i'm definitely not introverted, & i sure wish i was!!

[–]yayblueberries 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (16 children)

I've mostly given up right now. I do this thing where every time I am unemployed I won't look for a relationship; not that I expect to be the provider, but I just feel like it wouldn't be fair to my potential partner? I guess? However, if on the off chance that I did come across somebody very interested right now, I wouldn't say no. But I'm not putting any energy into trying at the moment.

To me it feels a bit hopeless too, but that's because there was a big lesbian meetup group that did fun things together, and they aren't active at all during the quarantine. I'm also not obviously lesbian visually to people so randomly hitting it up rarely happens, I should find something that sort of says, "Hey I'm a lesbian," to other lesbians.

[–]Jaded 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (15 children)

Same about the unemployment angle. Plus I have to ask myself-- do I really want to attract the type of woman that is interested in dating someone unemployed?

[–]florasis 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (12 children)

Don't get it. Do you want to meet a kind of woman who cares about your bank account, rather than just caring about you?

[–]Jaded 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

It's not about the money, it's that it's possible for unemployment to be a red flag for underlying issues. Someone unemployed could just be between jobs or was part of a mass layoff at their company. But they could also be the type of person that's difficult to work with (so interpersonal issues), or has mental health issues that makes holding down a job impossible, or they could be a scrub looking to freeload off their partner. No job in and of itself isn't a dealbreaker, but it's important to be aware that it may be indicative of other issues.

So when I say that I'm probably not interested in the type of woman that would begin dating me while I was still unemployed, I mean I'm interested in a woman that's savvy enough to not be interested in someone with these issues. Barring some instant magnetic connection, if she's a woman with options, then she's probably going to pursue those other options instead.

And of course it's completely different if we're dating and then I lose my job, because sometimes that just happens.

[–]florasis 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Oh yeah, true, if the lack of job is related to a problematic character that could create problems in relations, that would be different.

[–]reluctant_commenter 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

So when I say that I'm probably not interested in the type of woman that would begin dating me while I was still unemployed, I mean I'm interested in a woman that's savvy enough to not be interested in someone with these issues.

Nailed it.

[–]yayblueberries 8 insightful - 2 fun8 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 2 fun -  (8 children)

Yeah it is about bank accounts because being unemployed and not bringing in my own money can potentially be attractive to somebody who likes having power over others. I grew up in a household with a very controlling, abusive mother and one way she did that was financially and trying to not let me go to work. It was far easier for her to do that when I already didn't have a job. I don't need that to happen again.

Same with where I care about their and my bank accounts in the sense of, I also wouldn't really be too attracted to somebody not working unless I could begin to trust that they are just in a dip and not long-term unwilling to work and would try to mooch off my own finances/expect me to take care of her financially.

I have zero apologies for being very practical in relationships. They aren't just about romance/sex to me.

[–]florasis 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

In my house was the opposite, my mother dependent of my father. Yeah, financial independence is important, but I personally don't give a fuck about a girl work situation. If I had a wife, and she wanted to stay home, it would be fine. I'm going to make doctor money and without kids, I can support a partner.

[–]Jaded 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Housewife is fine if the partners are in a healthy relationship like with your parents. However I think the point she was making was that if an individual is an abuser, they may purposefully seek out someone unemployed or underemployed and try to make them as dependent as possible. It's a lot harder to leave an abusive situation if the abuser also controls all the money in the household.

Honestly though I would love to be a housewife if my future partner and I were able to afford it and they were okay with it

[–]florasis 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Yeah, I know. But is that common with women? It seems more a traditional men behaviour, anyway.

[–]FluffyPotato 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Less common. That is usually with males--narcissistic chite lies on the XY chromosome.

[–]FluffyPotato 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Right. some women are narcs too.

[–]yayblueberries 2 insightful - 2 fun2 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

That's nice, but I don't want a housewife, either. To me it is unacceptable to sit home and mooch off of your partner. I have struggled with money throughout my life, and have had to work entirely to support myself, it would be disrespectful to me for somebody to expect to be able to not work and live in my household. To me that is extreme laziness. Why not just go back to living with parents or being on welfare?

I just cannot believe in this sub my desire to not date when I am unemployed was up for negative judgment at all. There's no debate to even be had there, that's my personal choice. Just like it's your choice to be used for your money by somebody who wants to sit home all day doing nothing.

[–]reluctant_commenter 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yeah it is about bank accounts because being unemployed and not bringing in my own money can potentially be attractive to somebody who likes having power over others. I grew up in a household with a very controlling, abusive mother and one way she did that was financially and trying to not let me go to work.

I relate to this a lot, but never thought about it that way before. I would probably not even feel comfortable enough to begin dating someone, period, if I felt there was a chance of becoming trapped like that.

[–]yayblueberries 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Yes yes yes! I've also been concerned about issues such as, what if I end up making a lot more than her when I go back to work? What about my work hours? What if I work more than 40 or work an odd shift? These things seem like huge things in relationships and any one of them can even be a dealbreaker. I'd rather just be settled into a job and go from there.

[–]FluffyPotato 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I had this once.I started dating a woman who thought (she made soooo much more than me, and that, well that's a lot) and she just wanted me to go on vacation with her for a month, and she just could not wrap her brain around why not.

But that's the difference--wrapping your brain around someone having responsibility and still being there. I have neighbors, one wakes at 3 AM to go to work, the other goes to work at 3 PM. They always seem so happy holding hands outside, they have been together like 20 years. In the end, love is an ability, and an action, and a desire to make things happen.A choice.

[–]11mile_house 8 insightful - 9 fun8 insightful - 8 fun9 insightful - 9 fun -  (1 child)

Let’s all move to the same place.

[–]Jaded 3 insightful - 2 fun3 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

Lesbian sorority, here I come!

[–]CJLez 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

At the moment I'm not looking - partly because of Covid and partly because I'm working on improving my own situation - I want to be a person that I would feel comfortable dating before I ask anyone to date me (if that makes sense.)

I think that, when I do get out there, if it happens, it happens and that's fantastic, I hope that I settle down eventually. But if it doesn't happen then I will be sad but there are other ways to pass the time.

[–]Jaded 5 insightful - 3 fun5 insightful - 2 fun6 insightful - 3 fun -  (1 child)

To find your wife goals, you must first become one with the wife goals :)

[–]Innisfree 6 insightful - 2 fun6 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

I think we can collate such great thoughts from you and CJ into a book: "Make love not war, the lesbian Sun Tzu"

I'd buy it. :)

Edit:spelling

[–]FluffyPotato 9 insightful - 4 fun9 insightful - 3 fun10 insightful - 4 fun -  (3 children)

Yes.

I am the cougar you are all talking about. The thing is, I have life experiences younger people do not. Hear me out: I have been beaten against the rocks. The people who loved me and raised me=dead. I have gone through a few dozen serious life crises. I know how to react properly and maintain control when you lose your job, your car breaks down, and you are told your mom has cancer in the same week. Did I cry> Yes. But I did not allow life to take me under the current.

I have worked many careers. I am not ready for the rocking chair at all--I am quite active. I am chased constantly by the young ones because of how young I do look for my age, and my hobbies. This makes me feel like a fetish, because that is no different than men chasing me for similar reasons. It feels like those of you who chase me do not see ME, as a complex loving being. Double goes for TW chasing me.

I used to believe in work hard play hard. Not any more. Most lesbians I see believe we won't match unless astrology says so. I have some education, multiple degrees actually.

I believe in science. I love puppies. I have many hobbies. I have switched careers again and am getting yet another degree, because, what else is there to do?

I have been the provider in my relationships, and I am sick of it. I am always the one to coko, and put all of the emotional labor in as well. The younger ones that I have talked to, do not know what it is like to be in a lesbian relationship, and they want me to be the "femme daddy". Just no. We are equals.

ON dating apps, I am chased by TW , couples, CDs, and poly. The end.

I have no wrinkles. I work out a lot. I play instruments. I am an artist, but also, that's not my education. I have done serious things and if you saw a treatment in the last year, or what you see going forward--if that hits the news for genetic disease--I may have been a part of that.Most likely.

Now I do things one on one to help people, animals, the elderly, women, and children.

Most people I talk to , or try to talk to, are so surface level.

Now, I do not want to talk about science all day, but dating apps are just ugh, "hey how are you> So what are you looking for on this site/ me too, blah blah blah blah blah"

I have not met one inspiring person--on dating apps or real life lesbians.

I meet lots of awesome people in life who are so cool, even now with covid, in passing.

I am an extrovert. I am tomboy femme intelligent caring and giving,

I am self sustaining.

Another part is I do not drink, smoke, or use drugs. You do not get to be my age, in the shape I am without wrinkles (no work done, only soap) without caring for yourself. People assume I am late twenties and mega shocked.

Here is the thing: I do not care about your money. I know we all have high points and low points. I do not care if you have the education I have. But I cannot find anyone who does not come off as superficial. Again, non-lesbians, yes. Otherwise, all I am finding is judgy, curt, and snappy lesbians.

I am like a marshmallow with a big heart.

But I have given up.

(Edit--PS--I was married before, and I have been in a handful of serious relationships, with people who cannot hold emotional space, do not show up with full presence, and have no idea how to REALLY communicate)

[–]florasis 9 insightful - 5 fun9 insightful - 4 fun10 insightful - 5 fun -  (0 children)

We were talking about normal cougars, not wonder woman lol

[–]reluctant_commenter 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Damn, if you can't find anyone, I feel a little worried.

Congrats on your research work! :)

[–]florasis 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Maybe she can't find anyone because she feel the rest of the world is lesser, and probably it is but it might be really difficult if she 's stuck to find someone with her level of interesting charatcre, or because she intimidate people. Always if that's true, of course.

[–]a_blue_bird 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Yes. I'm not bitter about it, but it would be nice if things were different. In all fairness, I have never really done very much to find ''the one'', so partly it is my own fault. I have a job, have hobbies, have moved from country to country for almost a decade, and never really had much free time for dating.

[–]FluffyPotato 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

You should like you may be leading quite an awesome life for yourself! Would you have done those things if you were in a relationship?

[–]florasis 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Nope, of course, never. But if I don't find someone I feel well with, I'm fine with just staying by myself. If I want sex, I got not problem to have it. But I don't want to have an important relationship for the sake of it.

[–][deleted] 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

maybe sometimes, for some people, you have to give up on it to find it.

[–]Innisfree 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

That's a beautiful thought. Doesn't love come knocking when you're least expecting it, orr have I watched too many romcoms. I blame Nora Ephron! :)

[–][deleted] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

nora was onto something lol. i think it's true a lot of times.

[–][deleted] 8 insightful - 4 fun8 insightful - 3 fun9 insightful - 4 fun -  (0 children)

From the ages of 26-30 I was done being in relationships, I was going to be single forever and that was that. Then I met someone who tamed my inner noncommittal assholeness. If I can find someone that can’t purposely be chased off, we all can.

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[deleted]

    [–]Gearbeta 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    Nah, I think it's still out there for me. I'm just working on improving myself before I put myself out there again. It might be delusional to think that but I feel a little bit of delusional optimism can go a long way.

    [–]Jaded 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    Pretty much. I've become too cynical and skeptical of life in general to bother with relationships. I feel like a person needs a little bit of idealism to be able to fall in love properly.

    [–]knownasness 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

    yeah. mostly because i no longer believe that there's someone out there who values the things that i value. for 9 long years(on and off, mostly off) i had a woman that was everything to me, and i put up with things that i didn't particularly care for because, love, yanno? but in the end it's our values that pulled us apart from each other permanently. as i get older i am less willing to compromise about those things.

    [–]Skipdip 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

    I’m curious what the values were that you didn’t share? Asking as someone whose relationship with her first girlfriend just ended :/

    [–]knownasness 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    when we were younger, we valued feelings, connections, experiences, but now she only values things and keeping up appearances. as we got older, it became less about me, the person, and more about what i could and could not do for her. she always talked about being a reality tv star so i probably should've known it was going to happen at some point, but ah, love is blinding.

    [–]reluctant_commenter 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    Nope. My previous failures at finding love are 100% attributable to my lack of a radar for red flags, haha. The downside of wanting to believe the best of everybody, I guess.

    I believe I was in love with my ex-girlfriend-- or rather, who I thought she was. It turned out that she lied about a ton of details about herself (including her own likes/dislikes!!!??). I don't think she even liked me, she literally just didn't want to be alone.

    I am working on myself and my own self-trust in the meantime. I am seeing real progress and it's awesome. But I'm still not quite where I want to be. And I won't blame myself for failing a game I wasn't ready for in the first place. :)

    [–][deleted] 5 insightful - 2 fun5 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 2 fun -  (5 children)

    Not love itself so much as compatibility in areas that can erode love. There really is plenty of love out there for you to find, but love isn’t enough on it’s own, that’s why people have exes. I love every woman I’ve ever been with, and always will, even though our paths diverged for different reasons.

    I think the most important qualities to find in someone, aside from basic attraction stuff, is sense of humour, empathy, curiosity, and ability to communicate. Romantic love needs to be sustained. It’s not that we can’t find it, I’ve been lucky enough to find it several times now.

    Even though our dating pool is small we can all find someone to love, I never doubt that part. You will too.

    [–]Skipdip 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

    Nice to see some positivity, after a breakup with my(25f) first girlfriend (had bpd and identified as NB). I really thought we were potential life partners because we lined up in so many ways. I miss her body as well as all the other amazing qualities. I don’t miss her emotional dysregulation and inability to take responsibility for her own actions.

    [–][deleted] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

    As someone with BPD I can tell you that a lot of the behaviors exhibited by the gender cultists remind me of symptoms I've experienced in the past and still today to some degree. Mostly unstable sense of self, identity, and crushing emptiness.

    I can also tell you that some people with BPD, and any other mental disorder, are simply just assholes. I hate when we're infantilized and described like we're completely not self aware and capable of responsibility. I appreciate mental health advocates, but sometimes I feel like the endless excuses given to sufferers only creates even more negative stigma at best, and feeds our self destructive cycles at worst.

    So thank you for speaking up about the need for your ex to control her impulses and stick with treatment. I have, so I know she is capable.

    [–]Skipdip 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

    Thank you. That is affirming to hear. I was really trying to work with her, I am a bodyworker by trade (still in training) with a specialty in corregulation therapy, BCST, somatic experiencing, and a focus on developmental trauma, attachment, and early trauma. Myself I have come through a lot of dysregulation and had a diff personality disorder. I had all the tools to support her. I wanted us to grow together, which she at least initially said she wanted as well. To me supporting a partner in this way is nbd, but it requires she make a commitment to manage the dysregulation with me. In the end the second I got destabilized (when I hit peak trans and had an awakening which included finally coming to terms with that I’m lesbian and realizing I didn’t want her to disavow her womanness), she flipped out dumped me in one instant. I apologized for my part but she absolutely refused to take any responsibility for hers, or take any responsibility for how her actions hurt me. Sigh, sorry you didn’t ask. She was just such a great person in so many other ways. She was sensitive, empathetic, creative, intelligent, charismatic, visionary, a big brilliant presence, hard working, talented, and so lovable. We had similar values and life goals. She was my best friends lifelong best friend. Except now my best friend is also getting tired of her outbursts and dysregulation. My bff and another mutual friend we have both tell me that she will need years of therapy before she can have healthy relationships... none of them want to deal with her... it’s a shame.

    [–][deleted] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    No problem. I think trauma and mental health needs to be more of a conversation in our groups since it's so prevalent among LGB populations and lesbians in particular.

    To me supporting a partner in this way is nbd, but it requires she make a commitment to manage the dysregulation with me.

    You are probably in the minority in this, which is something I have come to accept. A part of therapy for BPD is to accept things, and I totally understand why women would be reluctant or even entirely put off from dating me because I have this condition, as well as a couple others. I don't want to make any lesbian feel guilt or pressure about her dating choices. We have enough of that going on as it is.

    In the end the second I got destabilized (when I hit peak trans and had an awakening which included finally coming to terms with that I’m lesbian and realizing I didn’t want her to disavow her womanness), she flipped out dumped me in one instant. I apologized for my part but she absolutely refused to take any responsibility for hers, or take any responsibility for how her actions hurt me.

    That's, I'm so sorry. I don't want to say anything that you might interpret as cruel about her, but she did something very wrong to you. It's unfortunately a part of BPD to suddenly drop even significant parts of your life and "start over." I know I didn't ask, but I'm here for this. I join lesbian forums to at least read stories and hopefully empathize with experiences.

    Empathy, or lack thereof, is a controversial topic regarding sufferers of BPD and people they've hurt. In my opinion, it's as varied as it is in the general population. One thing I've noticed is, and this is my own unprofessional assessment, people with BPD tend to "wear" empathy sometimes instead of live with it. It's yet another defense mechanism in case of being hurt or abandoned. It's easier to "throw away" the person(s) or situation if you only allow a skin deep experience of empathy. Any deeper analyses or feelings would be much more painful to let go of. This was one of the first things I addressed when I began building better habits. I looked at all of the ways I was diverting or avoiding feeling real emotions and slowly let them in.

    I want you to know that you deserved way better, and maybe that break up was a blessing in disguise. It was a better turn out than say, something happening after years of emotional and financial investment in the relationship.

    [–][deleted] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    I spent 3 and a half years with someone like this, and even when she took responsibility for things, it was to soothe her ego, because she would be right back to doing the exact same thing again, as if she had amnesia.

    We tried really hard together to communicate and be gentle with it, but she had a lot of trauma stuff on top of her disorder and just really needed a lot more therapy to come to a point where she would be able to connect to anyone without being abusive to them. I hope she gets there but it won’t be with me. We’ve been completely no-contact for over 4 years. It was the only way to escape that situation for me.

    [–]beholdyourheart 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    Yes, but it's more of a personal choice. Right now I want to focus on self-improvement and education, and because of that I haven't really felt motivated to go on any dating apps or seek out a relationship in general. So I haven't completely given up on love forever or anything, but unless a girl magically appears at my doorstep to date me it's very unlikely that I'll be doing anything relationship-related in the next few years at least 😂

    [–]Freetochoose 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    No, I did not. I was single for 6 years and then I found her.

    [–]Shroomba 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    Most definitely, I think that's pretty standard for lesbians lol. Though I've gone from 'given up hope' to just not caring and being completely indifferent to whether I do or don't.