Surprisingly sane reddit rant

submitted by TransspeciesUnicornI sexually identify as a mythical sparkly equine from reddit.com

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[–]reluctant_commenter 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

It is surprisingly sane. With the one caveat that OP claims to have literally changed sex through medical transition and to be a literal woman, which means they are still trying to uphold some unhealthy cognitive dissonance.

My first thought, lol.

It’s just not healthy to have this idea that anyone who dates you won’t be presented with constant indicators that dating you is not an interchangeable experience socially, functionally, and sensorily to dating your target sex. Of course, extenuating factors may contribute to a partner wanting to believe you are a member of your target sex. For example, a male-attracted woman with male-related trauma wanting a way to date a man without dating a man. A male-attracted man with internalized homophobia fearing social consequences for dating a member of the same sex. The list of possibilities is endless. But mutual cognitive dissonance is not healthy and does not make for a stable, loving relationship. It’s a ticking time bomb.

This is a really succinct and thoughtful way to describe these types of relationships-- the ones of mutual pretending. I would only add: Being in denial of one's own five senses, repeatedly, over long periods of time (e.g., disbelieving one's eyes when presented with a male body frame and adam's apple...) has got to spill over into other areas of one's life. I would even say it could be described as a form of dissociation: the refusal to pay attention to the sensory information that your body is giving you in the here and now. As you said, anything but healthy... not only in the sense of mental health and emotional relationships, I think, but physical health, too. There is an absolute paucity of research attention being paid to the health of people who deny reality on a moment-to-moment basis... TRAs like to talk about how trans people are "a vulnerable minority" but god damn, this is a way in which they actually ARE vulnerable-- bleeding from self-inflicted wounds, unfortunately.

Imagine asking your partner to... lie about basic facts about who you are... constantly. Talk about gaslighting.

[–]yousaythosethingsFind and Replace "gatekeeping" with "having boundaries" 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Yes definitely, I would say this absolutely requires a form of dissociation and also makes codependency the glue of the relationship. If you’re entering a relationship with someone and are immediately presented the relationship term, “you must uphold my sense of self even when it conflicts with your daily observations,” um that’s A LOT to put on someone. But it also demonstrates that someone willingly entering into a relationship on such terms has their own mental health issues going on that either involves self-abandonment or attraction to the trans-identifying person’s mental vulnerability, possibly with the intent of exploiting it. Neither is healthy obviously, much less worthy of celebration. I think the only relationships with a trans person that can avoid this are those that don’t involve people denying the basic facts of their situation, i.e. no pretending that the trans person is literally a member of the opposite sex and no pretending the partner is not specifically attracted to the mixed sex characteristics or whatever the particular situation may be.

[–]reluctant_commenter 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

But it also demonstrates that someone willingly entering into a relationship on such terms has their own mental health issues going on that either involves self-abandonment or attraction to the trans-identifying person’s mental vulnerability, possibly with the intent of exploiting it. Neither is healthy obviously, much less worthy of celebration.

Yes, absolutely.

I think the only relationships with a trans person that can avoid this are those that don’t involve people denying the basic facts of their situation, i.e. no pretending that the trans person is literally a member of the opposite sex and no pretending the partner is not specifically attracted to the mixed sex characteristics or whatever the particular situation may be.

Hmm... see, I get what you mean logically, but even then, the very act of using the wrong sexed pronouns (e.g. "she" for a transwoman, even if it is a transwoman who is fully aware that he is male) is an act of reality denial. Either that or the trans person is still asking their partner to use a different definition of "she" and "he" than the rest of the population is using. Either way it requires the partner to make a sacrifice about naming reality for what it is. I may be more on the extreme end of people in this sub in this regard because I view incorrect pronoun usage in this way, but I think that would still result in some dissociation, albeit perhaps to a lesser extent than if the trans person were fully demanding that the partner always view them as the sex that they aren't.

(Not saying you are necessarily in disagreement with that! But sometimes I see people miss that point.)

I guess to summarize it more simply: it seems to me that using pronouns in the way that all trans people-- from Blaire White to the most obviously male AGP to "nonbinary" teens-- necessarily requires obfuscation of reality. On a daily and conversational basis, in a way that even a religion like Christianity does not require people to lie. It is a rather remarkable ask.

Anyway, just thinking out loud. I appreciated the points you made.