LifestyleIs it reasonable to expect a life of singleness trying to date as a "pro-reality" gay & lesbian?

submitted by Kai_Decadence from self.LGBDropTheT

I'm not gonna pretend like my dating life was ever prosperous or lively because as a feminine presenting gay man, dating in the gay scene has been a rough ride and I can say that I went through all my 20s never have been in a relationship. But lately I've been feeling like me being "pro-reality", "gender critical", etc whatever you'd like to call it has only made things even more complicated.

I was recently talking with a guy on a dating app who seemed to be interested in me and I was somewhat interested in him but within a day he starts talking about transgenderism with how "you can be a gay man and have a vagina" and "you can be a lesbian with a penis" and I just had to speak out in protest. Long story short, he called me "transphobic" and blocked me. The last thing he said was that he couldn't believe someone like me (Gender nonconforming) can be "transphobic". Of course in the back of my head I'm thinking "Why would you be surprised someone like me thinks trans is a lie" but whatever.

I've talked a bit about this before with how I as a feminine GNC man tend to attract bisexual men as opposed to gay men and the overwhelming majority seem to buy into trans ideology and it seems llke my not beieving in the ideology makes me not date/relationship worthy because I refuse to swallow trans dogma as well as reject whenever guys try to "other" me as not a man because of how I choose to present myself.

I'm just starting to feel like I'm not meant to have a special someone in my life especially since I'm "tRaNsPhObIC". I mean I think that even the awesome Magdalen Berns was single in her life and she was outspoken against Transgenderism as well. This is not disrespect ot her of course, I LOVE Magdalen, she was a kick ass woman who spoke for truth and even though I'm gay, I thought she was a good looking woman and I'm sure there were lesbians and bi girls who found her attractive. I'm just making an observation is all.

Anyway just needed to clear my head tbh. So many thoughts lol.

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[–]IridescentAnacondastrictly dickly 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

No, some day you'll meet the right man.

Also, I think it's stupid to let political opinions get in the way of a good relationship (i.e. block someone over it). I lie right-of-center politically, my husband lies left-of-center. Sometimes we have to just stop talking about politics for a couple of hours. But otherwise our relationship is very strong.

[–]Kai_Decadence[S] 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I'd like to hope so because it's already hard enough traversing the gay dating world as a GNC feminine guy and now I have to worry about my being pro-reality is also going to be a slight against me? FML lol

The reason he blocked me aside form that though is that I actually did try to challenge him a bit. I asked him to define what a woman and a man are without using stereotypes of the opposite sex and he just couldn't do it. He kept saying it's "how you identify" to which I asked him to explain how one "identifies" as either sex. Apparently that was problematic and he couldn't logically defend what he was saying.

[–]IridescentAnacondastrictly dickly 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I dunno. The only issue I see is maybe your timing. But honestly blocking is a really extreme reaction, at least in my Gen-X worldview. I only block people who are truly obnoxious and harassing (and this happens to me very very rarely). To block someone just because you don't like their political views seems childish. I have tons of Facebook friends whose leftist political leanings I find highly offensive, but none of it is personally directed at me and each and every one of them I once found valuable enough to friend them, so the most I'll do is "snooze" them for a couple of weeks if they get too aggressive and I don't want to listen to it.

But he probably did you a favor in the long run. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone like that?

[–]Kai_Decadence[S] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yeah same tbh. I only block people when they are being extremely antagonistic or obnoxious as well. It's just that around my age which are millennials (born in 1991) it seems some people aren't willing to agree to disagree when it comes to this "trans" crap because being against transgender ideology is "killing people" and all that noise. But yeah I wouldn't want to be with someone like that at all so I'm not completely bummed about it but it was more the wake up call that most gays have swallowed trans dogma and will not want anything to do with you if you're against it which just adds another obstacle when trying to date.

[–]reluctant_commenter 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I am so glad you posted about this because I have had this question on my mind a lot recently.

"pro-reality"

Yeah that's the right term for it. Stealing that.

The last thing he said was that he couldn't believe someone like me (Gender nonconforming) can be "transphobic".

Ugh. I suppose I'd better get ready for that reaction, too.

I've talked a bit about this before with how I as a feminine GNC man tend to attract bisexual men as opposed to gay men and the overwhelming majority seem to buy into trans ideology and it seems llke my not beieving in the ideology makes me not date/relationship worthy because I refuse to swallow trans dogma as well as reject whenever guys try to "other" me as not a man because of how I choose to present myself.

That sounds frustrating as hell. I read your other posts but the way you phrased it just now made me realize-- this kinda sounds like an issue that is especially common for GNC gay/bi men, as opposed to more "gender conforming" gay/bi men. Whereas pretty much every bi/lesbian woman I've encountered believes in trans ideology, unfortunately.

I'm just starting to feel like I'm not meant to have a special someone in my life

Nuh uh. You deserve to have a special someone in your life. Statistical reality and "meant to" are not the same thing. My thought is: Straight people have forced conversion therapy on LGB people in the form of lobotomies, religious brainwashing and now chemical castration ("puberty blockers"); does that mean we are not "meant to" exist, even though they don't want us to? I don't think so. Those things mean that they're afraid of us. Our very existence is perceived as threatening to stereotypes and prescriptive norms about women/men that many heterosexuals believe in and are emotionally invested in.

The statistical reality is that there are very few LGB people on this planet. Does that mean homosexuals don't deserve to find love? No way! It just means we have it way harder than most straight people ever bother even imagining.

and I'm sure there were lesbians and bi girls who found her attractive

Yeah, I'm one of them :P

More generally, about trying to date as someone who's LGB, "pro-reality" and also GNC (although I'm a woman, so my perspective may not be as useful to you)--

My biggest fear is having my employer find out my "pro-reality" views. People can screenshot anything, including dating app conversations. I'll probably be fine... but I'm going to implement a lot of safety measures.

I am planning to start actively dating again sometime in the next few months; I may be equally as disappointed as you are. But that doesn't mean that I don't deserve a relationship... it means that a large swath of our community has been successfully brainwashed into a homophobic ideology.

This may sound cynical, but I actually see this situation as a silver lining of the trans madness. This whole situation, it's a litmus test of two character qualities:

  1. Thinking critically - Does this person question what they're told, or accept whatever they're told? Do they understand why they believe the things that they believe? (If they make this mistake on the trans topic, they're probably make it elsewhere in their life, which could lead to other relationship problems down the road.)

  2. Being open-minded - Is this person comfortable with disagreeing? With hearing different points of view? (If I ask a few gently-phrased questions, how interested are they in engaging despite their discomfort? Or do they just shut down?)

I want a partner who I respect as an equal and whose judgment I trust. I have a hard time trusting the judgment of someone who believes in this cult bullshit, and I do not respect anyone who knowingly supports the chemical castration of LGB children. If that means that I have to weed out a bunch of people to find that woman I'm looking for-- fine. The people I'm weeding out weren't worth it, anyway, because I know why I'm weeding them out. I deserve a relationship with someone awesome. And unfortunately, some of the awesome people have made the practical decision to make themselves scarce right now because there's a witch hunt going on.

(Again, thanks for asking this question... you really made me think!)

[–]IridescentAnacondastrictly dickly 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Straight people have forced conversion therapy on LGB people in the form of lobotomies, religious brainwashing and now chemical castration ("puberty blockers")

This is the core of it, the principal reason why LGB should forcefully oppose the trans phenomenon, at least where children are concerned. Chemical castration is worse than religious brainwashing, almost as bad as lobotomies, and it's being cheered on by people who should know better.

Your silver lining comment is spot on. This and a few other hot-button political topics that have come into the foreground over the past couple of years - these are tests that allow you to quickly determine your points #1 and #2. And yes, this is also critical to Kai's dilemma:

The people I'm weeding out weren't worth it, anyway, because I know why I'm weeding them out. I deserve a relationship with someone awesome.

[–]reluctant_commenter 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

This is the core of it, the principal reason why LGB should forcefully oppose the trans phenomenon, at least where children are concerned. Chemical castration is worse than religious brainwashing, almost as bad as lobotomies, and it's being cheered on by people who should know better.

Completely agree.

And I'm surprised and glad I'm not the only one to see this as a silver lining.

[–]Hannibalboy93 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

Your gonna find that special someone one day, their are many gay people who think like us.

[–]Kai_Decadence[S] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

I hope so because I'm a little bummed at this point lol.

[–]IridescentAnacondastrictly dickly 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

It took me several decades to find my husband. After ten years together I can't imagine life with any other person in the world. I know it's frustrating now: it was very frustrating when I was younger to not really feel a strong, stable connection with anybody. But it does get better. Hang in there!

[–]Kai_Decadence[S] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I'll try lol It's just getting difficult especially when the few acquaintances I have are all in relationships and meanwhile, I haven't been in one at all and I'm now entering my 30s lol.

[–]IridescentAnacondastrictly dickly 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

30 is pretty young. Seriously.