ColonizationFormer mod of r/detrans was "majorly confused," thought she was bisexual before realizing she is actually straight

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[–]RedEyedWarriorGay | Male | 🇮🇪 Irish 🇮🇪 | Antineoliberal | Cocks are Compulsory 22 insightful - 1 fun22 insightful - 0 fun23 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

For a few years in my adolescence, I would think I was bi one day, gay another day, bi another day, straight another day and the cycle repeats itself. At 17 I started thinking I was bi for months because it became clear that I like males, but I was still trying to convince myself that I liked females too. Then I finally realised I had no attraction to females whatsoever, that I’m just gay. I’m not the only gay guy who has been through this.

But yeah, there are straight people who thought they were bisexual for a while, or even gay. It’s rare, but it does happen. Obviously this doesn’t invalidate the existence of bisexual people, but puberty can be a confusing time to for people, where their hormones are messing with them. Especially for people who were abused or interfered with as children. For example, a man who calls himself gay because he was molested as a kid and he internalised his abuse as a coping mechanism, believing that if he acted like he wanted it he’d feel less of a victim, and we all know that men don’t like being victims. Then he interacts with women and he starts to find them attractive, and realises he has feelings for them that he’s never had for other men, so he learns he is straight.

There are also men who grew up with no father figures in their childhoods whatsoever, not even uncles or grandads. They crave this male role model, and sometimes it gets so strong that they mistakenly believe that they are gay or bisexual. Until a man like that interacts with an older man who is kind to him and fulfils that male authority figure that younger man was deprived of. Then he learns he’s not sexually attracted to men at all. And even if he is actually gay or bisexual, this interaction still saves this young man’s life, because then he begins to see other men as more than just sexual conquests and learns how to be a better man himself.

Now, some of these straight men who previously thought they were bi or gay may mistakenly come to the conclusion that homosexuality isn’t real, or at least that bisexuality isn’t real. These men thought they liked men because they were deprived of male role models or they were abused then they were children, so they see homosexuality or bisexuality as something that is caused by environmental factors or mental illnesses that can be cured. Obviously they are wrong, but I can see where they are coming from. Especially if most of the gay and bisexual men they interact with have issues like problems with their fathers or live hedonistic lifestyles. But meet a gay or bi man who is well adjusted and that narrative can go away. Or meet a gay man who was also deprived of a male role model, then starts interacting with older straight men who treat him with respect and that gay man is still gay even though he’s much happier now. Hopefully, a lot of these "ex-gay" and "ex-bi" people will realise that not every gay or bi person has had their experiences.

[–]Bright_paintingLoad, lesbian biologist 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

 For a few years in my adolescence, I would think I was bi one day, gay another day, bi another day, straight another day and the cycle repeats itself. At 17 I started thinking I was bi for months because it became clear that I like males, but I was still trying to convince myself that I liked females too. Then I finally realised I had no attraction to females whatsoever, that I’m just gay. I’m not the only gay guy who has been through this<

I did the same thing when I was in my early teens. I tried so hard to like men, only to release that I never would be able to. At least not in the way that I liked other women in.

[–]Athelhilda4Questioning 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I actually had a year long relationship with a guy in high school. Spent most of it coming up with ways to not sleep with him. Was a miserable experience, would not recommend.

[–]RedEyedWarriorGay | Male | 🇮🇪 Irish 🇮🇪 | Antineoliberal | Cocks are Compulsory 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Exactly. A lot of young homosexual people don’t consider that they’re gay until they realise they lack sexual attraction to the opposite sex, because homosexuals are a minority and society expects you to marry someone of the opposite sex.

[–]PenseePansyBio-Sex or Bust 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I also think that repetition compulsion, for those who were sexually traumatized, can lead to confusion about one's true sexual orientation.

This is a psychological phenomenon where people feel compelled to re-enact a traumatic event, in a subconscious effort to resolve it-- to diffuse it; rob it of its power over them. It's especially common in response to having been raped.

So, if a straight man or lesbian is sexually assaulted by a male, they might compulsively seek out sex with men, and therefore conclude that they're bi... despite being, in reality, exclusively female-attracted. Because, for them, sex with men ISN'T about attraction; it's about something else: trying to gain control over an experience which haunts them.

Of course, while they need to resolve the trauma, this has to happen in a safe setting (like therapy)-- doing it this way simply re-traumatizes them.

[–]reluctant_commenter[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I completely agree and I really appreciate the way you described this phenomenon, it's a tough one to get a grasp of.

[–]reluctant_commenter[S] 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

For example, a man who calls himself gay because he was molested as a kid and he internalised his abuse as a coping mechanism, believing that if he acted like he wanted it he’d feel less of a victim, and we all know that men don’t like being victims. Then he interacts with women and he starts to find them attractive, and realises he has feelings for them that he’s never had for other men, so he learns he is straight.

I've never heard this experience phrased like this before. Thank you for describing it. That makes a whole lot more sense, why a straight guy who was abused might mistakenly believe he is bi/gay just because he's avoiding accepting that he was a victim and did not want it. I almost wonder if Milo Yiannopoulos might be like this, since he said once that (basically) he was sexually abused as a young teen/child...?

Now, some of these straight men who previously thought they were bi or gay may mistakenly come to the conclusion that homosexuality isn’t real, or at least that bisexuality isn’t real. These men thought they liked men because they were deprived of male role models or they were abused then they were children, so they see homosexuality or bisexuality as something that is caused by environmental factors or mental illnesses that can be cured.

Ahh, okay. Wow, again, I didn't realize that this is the perspective that someone might come at it with.