Men's IssuesDo gay/ bi men ever question whether their gay love interests are actually gay?

submitted by lovelyspearmintLesbeing a lesbian from self.LGBDropTheT

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[–]lovelyspearmintLesbeing a lesbian[S] 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

I honestly don't know which is worse, someone not admitting they're gay when dating you, or someone hiding that they're actually straight and doing it for shits/giggles/attention/woke points.

[–]newaccount85 10 insightful - 6 fun10 insightful - 5 fun11 insightful - 6 fun -  (4 children)

we dont have the problem you do. Homophobia within male culture is far more extreme, dehumanizing and violent. Lesbians made a mistake by trying to build a movement around all of womanhood and then all of womanhood felt comfortable invading their spaces. Gay "purity" is refined by extreme homophobia. If you say you're gay, you're 100% homosexual and we like it that way. Our identity is basically made of titanium because there are many horrific hurdles to cross. Lesbians are harassed and fetishized by not just men but women as well, whereas gay men are only fetishized by women and we can see them from a mile away. If being "gay" is the worst thing you could be from the outside world, then it's a very traumatizing refinement process and im not sure lesbians would want it.

Lesbians share the same dehumanizing process but the sad part is, when they look around, i see that there arent a lot of other "lesbians" to share this with. You feel like a martian, an alien from another planet having to smile at the earthlings who are at war with your kind even if they identify with you. I see that in their circles but there's just an understood bond between gay men that we have a kind...we are our kind, and we have a people. It's sort of fucked up reaching out to lesbians and seeing the shit show that is their community. It's not like gays get extra credit because our community is refined by the horrors of homophobia whereas lesbians get a giant, jumbled up mess and homophobia is expressed differently there.

[–]yousaythosethingsFind and Replace "gatekeeping" with "having boundaries" 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Lesbians share the same dehumanizing process but the sad part is, when they look around, i see that there arent a lot of other "lesbians" to share this with. You feel like a martian, an alien from another planet having to smile at the earthlings who are at war with your kind even if they identify with you. I see that in their circles but there's just an understood bond between gay men that we have a kind...we are our kind, and we have a people. It's sort of fucked up reaching out to lesbians and seeing the shit show that is their community. It's not like gays get extra credit because our community is refined by the horrors of homophobia whereas lesbians get a giant, jumbled up mess and homophobia is expressed differently there.

Thank for you putting this into words. This is how it feels. It doesn’t feel like there is any lesbian community. The only lesbian community I share at any given time is who I’m dating/hooking up with. The lesbians I know, including myself, have mostly straight women as close friends and more often than not, having gay friends just means gay male friends, not other lesbians. Being a self-admitted homosexual female is so damn lonely and it seems like everyone else is always speaking on our behalf. Like I appreciate the new Lesbian and Gay News website but it seems that all of the female representation is coming from radfem political lesbian/bisexuals reporting on the experiences of actual homosexual females from the outside. And this hurts our cause because they do come across as alien imposters, like they’re the astroturfers. Meanwhile all the actual lesbians are off defining themselves as non-binary or transmen. I’ve come to find that actual lesbians tend to be low key and non-political even though our public perception is that of the radfems.

[–]newaccount85 3 insightful - 5 fun3 insightful - 4 fun4 insightful - 5 fun -  (0 children)

i think gays and lesbians, as a gay guy im just assuming it's worse for lesbians but their fatal flaw is they just assumed the bisexual and "political lesbian" women would naturally and organically just help them along instead of clash with them. that it's impossible for bisexuals and lesbians to clash but gays dont have to deal with this and are more cohesive, again due to the extreme stigma of homosexuality within the "male community".

Gays and Lesbians rarely communicate but as a lesbian, do you project and assume the structure of your community and think it's similar to the gay community? That we're somehow aligned with straight men and bisexual men? I always thought it would be a nice fantasy world if it were that way but you make it seem terrible. Gay people just secretly assume heterosexual and bisexual men actively want to murder us and we have a gigantic mega barrier between us and them. No one has to actively patrol it, build it or talk about it. The barrier is just naturally there. The homophobia does all the work for us. But i've seen some feminists discuss gays as if we were somehow aligned with the people who tried to commit genocide against us for 2000 years and never understood why but seeing how the structure of the lesbian community works, the whole "woman kind" thing, i can see how they would assume it might be similar to gays and straight/bi men.

[–]reluctant_commenter 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I completely agree with your comment; it does feel like there is a lacking in solidarity among lesbians the way that there seems to be among gay men, thanks to "political lesbians" and the transgender movement's conversion therapy.

Unfortunately I don't think that's all that this guy had in mind when he said this:

It's sort of fucked up reaching out to lesbians and seeing the shit show that is their community.

What he really means is this:

lesbians are the most obnoxious, narcissistic and think their "im a woman card" does anything when it comes to gay people. You remember gay people right? the ones who experience the most serious and intense form of oppression? Homophobia? I dont think lesbians are oppressed when in multiple countries, the death penalty for homosexuality only applies to gay people and lesbians are just considered a theory.

Pretty sure this is exponent2/JiminyCricket's latest account.

edit: Also I completely agree with you here and was thinking of making a post about it. I'm worried that "Lesbian and Gay News" may just be more colonization, this time from radfems...

Like I appreciate the new Lesbian and Gay News website but it seems that all of the female representation is coming from radfem political lesbian/bisexuals reporting on the experiences of actual homosexual females from the outside. And this hurts our cause because they do come across as alien imposters, like they’re the astroturfers. Meanwhile all the actual lesbians are off defining themselves as non-binary or transmen. I’ve come to find that actual lesbians tend to be low key and non-political even though our public perception is that of the radfems.

[–]yousaythosethingsFind and Replace "gatekeeping" with "having boundaries" 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

So initially I did read the post as negative and blaming and I thought I was reading too far into it, but you are right. This person can see the problem but he doesn’t want to name the problem. He wants to push an agenda, and he’s a sad individual.

I think the Lesbian and Gay News platform can be saved because the founder is not a radfem and the gay male commentators are not radfem-esque but the founder does need a wakeup call about how this looks and how he would gave more traction if he featured more actual lesbian voices like Julia Ghassan Robertson. The story from Lauren Black was great though because it highlighted the unique issues she experiences that relate to her homosexuality, not just her womanhood.