Lesbians on r/AL actually try to discuss the issue of Lesbophobia. Mod locks the thread of course.

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[–]Astrid2448 33 insightful - 4 fun33 insightful - 3 fun34 insightful - 4 fun -  (7 children)

There are too many comments here acting like this is all the work of trans women. There are SO MANY homophobic bi women causing this issue, constantly shouting down the lesbians and exemplifying exactly what lesbians are sick of. Even on this post, the majority of the comments are from bisexual women.

An example: a “lesbian” saying she believes that sexuality is fluid because she’s 95% attracted to women and only sleeps with men on occasion. A real lesbian commented saying this was the type of treatment they were talking about, her co-opting lesbianism when she isn’t one. She replies saying the lesbian is a gold star and has no right to tell her that she isn’t gay just because she likes sucking penis.

[–]wafflegaffWoman. SuperBi. 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

FWIW, bisexual woman here who, even though men don't really get on my radar generally speaking, immediately stopped using the term "lesbian" when I started dating a man whom I made an exception for, because I understand what words mean. There is just not a way to make "lesbian" mean something other than a woman who exclusively is attracted to women. Doesn't matter that the man I was dating wondered for many years if he was trans but didn't act on it; he was still a man (and, of course, still would not ever have been biologically female). Not complicated, any of this. We are talking about biology here, and these should be neutral terms that describe facts.

So thanks for bringing this up, I will be more watchful for this and comment as appropriate, just to counterbalance that nonsense. And get drummed out of some groups, I imagine, for deploying the heresy of logic. Whatever.

[–]Astrid2448 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

I appreciate you trying to listen to lesbians. I am slightly confused by the first part of your post however. Are you saying you were always occasionally attracted to men, but stopped identifying as a lesbian once you started dating one?

[–]wafflegaffWoman. SuperBi. 8 insightful - 2 fun8 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 2 fun -  (4 children)

No, I spent quite a few years, after a typical teenage stint trying to be straight unsuccessfully, as a lesbian with no attraction to men, and was not attracted to the one I ended up having as a partner until there was a communication accident in which he disclosed, as a close friend of many months, that he was attracted to me, and he did not pressure me to do anything with that information once I had it. He just kept acting like a perfect gentleman and a supportive friend. I've never been turned off by men's bodies, I just am pretty indifferent to them as well. This was emotional, that's the only reason he managed to get past that barrier. That's when I learned I had an alternate entrance for attraction when it came to men. But it is still not the same full attraction that I experience with a woman. This is the reason he and I negotiated at the start of the relationship that if I ever felt like I needed to, we would open the relationship so I could date women as well. That never came to pass but it is the only reason I agreed to embark on a risky relationship. We negotiated very openly what we were getting ourselves into.

This possibility of a man inspiring emotional attraction that leads to physical attraction (which phenomenon I have no interest in labeling; it is what it is), when women can inspire both simultaneously or physical attraction prior to emotional attraction, is the reason I didn't revert to "lesbian" when we were no longer together. The odds might be infinitesimally small that I would be partnered with a man again, but they are not zero. My only compelling attraction is to women. Men, on the other hand, are way more available, and I go through cycles of either having a high sex drive or a dormant sex drive, so I feel fortunate that they are fairly easy to find as playmates even if I don't actively look for that; it’s still a load off my mind. I am also not attracted to the vast majority of women, which leaves me with very shitty odds of ever finding a suitable one. It's the usual numbers problem, and one I try not to think about because I can’t control it and it’s depressing as hell.

It's also possible that I might experience fewer instances of attraction to other people than the average. I don't know. I just don't want to be with someone badly enough to create doomed relationships. I also don’t think two such freak occurrences of finding someone as amazing as him are likely in one lifetime. So I am glad I didn’t have to say no to him completely. He wanted to be a woman generally and when he was with me. It was something he didn’t act on, and he would have been miserable in different ways if he had. So we understood each other in a way that was conducive to making something highly anomalous work.

I am still not sure I answered your question, but it is a complex situation I have not tried to articulate to anyone in years and I’m not totally awake right now.

[–]florasisHOMOSEXUAL FEMALE/Pussy is my God and I'm monotheist 10 insightful - 5 fun10 insightful - 4 fun11 insightful - 5 fun -  (3 children)

Fucking strange. You're bisexual with a strong preferance toward women, but you don't like most women and spent most of the time sleeping with men. It's fucking complicated.

[–]wafflegaffWoman. SuperBi. 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

That is an oversimplification, but yeah, things are complicated. It's not about disliking women, it's about the fact that I am (and I would think this is pretty normal across the general population, no?) not attracted to nearly everyone I ever meet, though I can see them as attractive in some disinterested way, or to other people. I just don't want to date them myself.

It surely does suck that I don't find very many women OR men attractive enough to pursue though, yes. Can't be helped, won't talk myself into something that isn't real. To put that another way I have a bunch of great friends I'm unlikely to lose through trying to turn those friendships into something else. ¯_(ツ)_/¯

I'm also one of those people who is a sensation-seeking HSP, and you are nodding and laughing right now if you are, too. Want to be in the middle of the action, but carefully, so generally, I am never in the middle of the action I find the most interesting (say, extreme sports). Imagine how much fun that paradox is.

[–]florasisHOMOSEXUAL FEMALE/Pussy is my God and I'm monotheist 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I'm fully introverted who doesn't like at all to be in the middle of anything, actually. But it's sad that you have such difficulties to finding people interesting you.

[–]wafflegaffWoman. SuperBi. 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yeah, it feels like it's just a lot of not being in the right place at the right time, whereas I've several times been in someone else's right place at the right time, it just wasn't mutual.

I've never had the belief that it isn't possible. I do find people attractive, they just tend to not be the available LGB people. That's such a common refrain it seems hardly worth mentioning.

Right now, I don't even want to try because of all of <waves hand generally around> this craziness. (Also, a pandemic, but I digress.) I feel like there needs to be more time and recognition of how bonkers all of this is before I want to go around finding out who figured it out yet and who didn't. It feels like shark-infested waters right now.