Sure! This is gonna get long so bear with me. I'm a desister so no medical transition thankfully, but I was binding, packing, voice training, fluctuating pronouns, all that. I was also contemplating surgery to masculinize my face since I didn't want to go on hormones. Crazy shit.

I think for me it was a combination of internalized biphobia, internalized misogyny, unhelpful therapists, and autoandrophilia that made me question my gender identity. From the biphobia end, I didn't feel comfortable expressing my attraction to women unless I saw myself as a man. I still struggle with that to this day, but I'm still working on that. The internalized misogyny manifested very early when I was a small child. I hated people making assumptions about me just because I was a girl. I hated the fact that people would assume I had certain interests or liked certain toys just because I was a girl. I used to try and go out of my way to 'hide' my gender in my possessions, if that makes sense. Like if someone looked at my backpack or notebook I tried really hard not to make those things look 'girly' so no one would have a reason to make assumptions. I very much had a 'not like other girls' complex and saw very feminine girls as dumb and lesser.

It only got worse as I got older because I had zero interest in getting married or having kids. I was 'doing womanhood wrong' in the eyes of so many people. I was told I didn't know myself and that I would definitely change my mind about kids. Hearing that from people who knew nothing about me pissed me off. I knew they were only saying it because I was female. I grew to really resent being female. I resented my period because I inherited adenomyosis from my mom. Why was I suffering every month for fertility I didn't want?

My interests were 'masculine'. I liked violent shooter games. I was smart. I was good at math. I was good at programming. I was surrounded by males in almost every setting because of this. Although I thankfully made a handful of close female friends.

Regarding autoandrophilia, there's no telling where that came from. But I have some theories. It may have started as an outlet for my attraction to women. When I pictured myself having sex with a woman, I had a penis. It also probably had something to do with the fact that sex was painful for me, likely due to my menstrual issues. I could still enjoy sex very much, but I'd enjoy it more if I didn't have this undercurrent of pain throughout the whole experience. I never heard about men complaining about pain during sex. They seemed to orgasm so easily. I think I got jealous of that. When masturbating I ignored my genitals entirely and imagined myself jerking off, getting blowjobs, having PIV sex as a man, etc. To this day I have trouble staying in my female body if going at it solo. Working on that too. Strangely I didn't have this problem if I was actually having sex with a man, but that's another discussion. This is where I don't agree with Blanchard's take on AAP in women. According to him, it always manifests in junction with autohomoeroticism, and I have no interest in being a gay guy. Yeah, I wanted a dick (still do), but I wanted to use it with women.

It didn't help that I'd always looked and sounded a bit androgynous. I have a distinct memory in college of being really tired and trying to answer a question my friend asked, only to have her startle and tell me I sounded like a man in that moment. There were other instances like this. I was made fun of and called mannish for my body hair as well. For years I questioned my gender identity until I decided to finally see a therapist. She just told me I was 'valid' and didn't answer any of my questions or help me unpack my issues.

I started trying to look for 'proof' I was supposed to be a guy. I started talking to another TiF online where we started trauma bonding over being dysphoric. My whole family did the 23 and me test and mine came back and said I was likely exposed to high levels of fetal testosterone. They also correctly guessed that my ring/index finger ratio was seen more often in men. "See! I really do have a guy brain! I really am supposed to be a guy!" I thought. Ugh.

Anyway, even throughout this whole thing I never really believed in transgenderism. How can trans racial be bad but transgender isn't? How can I say I 'feel' like a guy when I'm not male? Doesn't being trans just reinforce stereotypes? I tried researching answers to these questions and was only able to find a handful of studies trying to prove that the brains of trans people more closely matched their desired gender. That would've been the end of it if I hadn't learned that those studies actually showed a similarity in arousal patterns of gay men and straight women, likewise with straight men and lesbians. So, they can prove homosexuality, but not transness. I did more digging and found that the fetal testosterone exposure and ring/index finger ratio in my case didn't correlate with being male brained, it correlated with me being bisexual. Which I am.

I learned that "cis" people don't have a gender identity, and that's where things really started to unravel. Every doubt I had about transgenderism as a concept bubbled over and no one from the trans cult was able to answer a simple question I had. Rather than ruin my own life and come out as a terf, I desisted. That was about a year ago, and I've slowly been reclaiming my womanhood after trying to avoid it for so long. It's been nice.