[RANT/CRY FOR HELP] I am exhausted I am confused and I want to figure all this out. Grappling with trans issues while discovering I am a feminist.

submitted by Elizapornberry from self.GenderCritical

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[–]jelliknight 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

-I am so confused about the bathroom issue. I want women to feel safe especially those that have been victims of violence. But I really REALLY do not want to discriminate anyone

Everyone deserves to feel safe. Women are safe in a single sex change room, but transgender males are NOT safer in a mixed sex change room than a male only one. It's not the presence of women that makes it safe, it's the absence of men. Transgender males are men and present exactly the same risk to women and other transgender males. To keep everyone safe the simple answer is to add a few single stalls. Transgender males don't want that, because it's NOT about safety.

Guys I just do not know what to do here.

Breathe. They used to burn us. Yes, we're playing whack-a-mole with sexism and yes every time we defeat is somewhere there's a backlash somewhere else, and no, we're never going to be able to rest and stop fighting. And yet, we are making progress, and we will continue to do so.

It's getting really really hard. I'm finding myself getting more and more angry at genderists who want to pat themselves on the back for being woke while throwing our rights on the bonfire. I try to remember that they're wrong for the right reasons, they're trying to be 'good' they're just not thinking it through and that means there's potential for change. I try to focus on what I'm FOR rather than what I'm against because i believe we give our power to what we focus on, but man oh man it's getting hard with all this shit coming thick and fast.

I guess unfortunately my main response is "Yep." We all feel that same stuff, you're not alone. I don't know if that's comforting or horrifying to know but welcome to the club i guess. I don't even know if self educating is useful - even when we are organised and obviously correct (people can't change sex, women need single sex spaces) we still aren't listened to.

We can't control anyone else, we can't control the nation or the world, we only control our own actions. You can't control your husband or his family, only yourself. You only need to focus on what actions you are comfortable with, regardless of the outcome. For me, that means speaking up when i know something's wrong, calling and e-mailing politicians, and trying not to over-educate and get overwhelmed. That's really the most I can do.

Hot tip on your FIL: He sounds like a narcissist who's got his family trained. You see this dynamic a lot. People will tell you "Just go along with it, you don't want to upset him and cause a scene." They will try to bully you because they see you as a softer target. You can be made to comply, but he can't. It's easier for them to bully you into doing what he wants than it is to deal with his tantrums. The solution: Out crazy him. Be the one who creates a scene. Pretty soon they'll be saying to him "Just do it, you know what she's like, we'll hear about it all day otherwise" When i say "out crazy him" i really just mean be more stubborn and be willing to take it to extremes. It'll either work or it'll get you uninvited from everything, so win-win

[–]StupidHappyPancakes 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I agree with everything you said except for the advice to "out crazy" the dangerous narcissist. That won't work and could even make the situation a million times WORSE, because narcissists are not normal people and they don't give a damn about a big fuss being caused; in fact, they totally get off on conflict. And us non-narcissists actually have empathy and principles, so we can never ever win the narcissist's games because they will engage in every form of immoral and sadistic behavior that it takes to subdue anyone who DARES to stand up for themselves. If the OP started going toe-to-toe with her FIL, I have no doubt that FIL would then put all his efforts into breaking up OP's marriage or turning her kids (if she has any) against her. There is nothing so low that they won't sink to it.

Experts on narcissists today are largely in agreement that the best strategy for interacting with a narcissist when you are forced to do so is to utilize the so-called "Gray Rock Technique." It's about making yourself as dull, disinterested, and nonconfrontational as possible. You make yourself a TERRIBLE conversation partner to the narcissist by not speaking much and most importantly, barely reacting to what THEY say, even as they WILL try harder and harder to push your buttons. You want the narcissist to realize he's not going to get any narcissistic supply from you, that although you won't argue with him, you will only take ACTIONS if it suits your mood, and you will steadfastly refuse to get riled up and dragged into drama no matter what shit he flings at you.