Both: What is the difference between a sexuality and a preference? What makes someone straight? What makes someone gay?

submitted by peakingatthemomentTranssexual (natal male), HSTS from self.GCdebatesQT

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[–]Omina_SentenziosaSarcastic Ovalord 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (18 children)

Honestly, I am not really sure what the problem your husband had with this was. I get thinking it over after you realize something new of yourself, but to the point that you freak out and need to talk to a therapist? Unless the problem is a bit of homophobia, I don't see what issues can there be.

[–]peakingatthemomentTranssexual (natal male), HSTS[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (17 children)

I feel like maybe he had some internalized homophobia or something. That is my best guess. This was like nearly a decade ago. He’s very much not homophobic, but he wasn’t raised in a household that thought that being gay was okay (even though his parents became more accepting after one of his uncles came out, but he was already grown up by then).

[–]Omina_SentenziosaSarcastic Ovalord 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (16 children)

Yeah, that is what I though as well. Some internalized homophobia from his background.

I don't know, I just really wouldn't care much if it happened to me. Maybe I would care about the issues we would have as a couple, and that would be something to ponder on when deciding whether or not to pursue a relationship.

But the thought itself? If I find out I am attracted to women as well as men, then I am bisexual. I hope I wouldn' t have a crisis over it.

[–]MezozoicGaygay male 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (12 children)

If it works in whatever way, it is great. I know around dozen of similar couples to yours, majority of men there are bisexual, however, one there is straight and he is blindly believing that his wife (hsts and face surgery, passing very well, except things like gait, but majority of people will not see differences in such things anyways) is just a woman and always was a woman (otherwise he had struggles accepting her and himself, she wasn't very happy at first, as she knew that she was born as a man, however, later accepted this situation). And it is perfectly fine, if it stays withing family and works for them, and makes them happy.

[–]Omina_SentenziosaSarcastic Ovalord 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (11 children)

I am not sure I understand, this guy doesn' t know the person he is married to is actually a man and would freak out if he knew?

Because in that case, I seriously doubt that everyone is happy: he is being lied to and as far as I am concerned has been raped by deception for years. There is nothing happy and fine in that situation.

[–]MezozoicGaygay male 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

No, he is lying himself. And tries not to touch the past of his wife pre-transition, as it makes him uncomfortable. So they both accepted that she is a woman and always was one, even thought it is not the case. And it is somewhat understandable, if you are not bisexual - you can't change your attraction and sexuality. And he loved her for her looking like female, presenting as female and her having no male internal organs, so he loved her as a woman, and realizing that she was a man (and a male) will turn him off, just because of biological side of attraction, he seems to understand this, so he just ignores the facts, and they are living pretty happily together for more than ten years now. She wanted to not be noticed and just live calm life, so it works for her as well.

[–]Omina_SentenziosaSarcastic Ovalord 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Ah, ok, that' s different.

I still think it' s an incredibly unhealthy attitude, because if your acceptance is based entirely on pretending that reality isn' t a thing, it' s not exactly great.

[–]MezozoicGaygay male 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Well, it works for them for a long period of time, and they are not trying to make anyone else to believe in this. He likes to say "the past is the past, live todays life, not past life" in different conversations, so I supose he already accepted the fact, he just don't like to be reminded about it or to think about it at all.

[–]Omina_SentenziosaSarcastic Ovalord 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I just can' t conceive being with a person who, if reminded of something I have done/been, would feel disgust towards me and himself.

That said, it' s none of my business. If that' s how they want to live their lives, it' s their prerogative.

[–]MezozoicGaygay male 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Oh, personally I would not be in such relationship at all either, and I am not really understanding how that can work - but it works for them and they are happy, and they are not pushing anyone else to believe in this or be like this. So I am fine with that.

[–]peakingatthemomentTranssexual (natal male), HSTS[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

I don’t know exactly what he means, but the way I interpreted it is that his friend just in denial about it a little or is rationalizing it. I feel like straight guys sometimes deal with dating us that way. It sort of like they think that if we look like a duck, talk like a duck, and other people think we are a duck then than is enough for them to just see us as a duck (or woman) and not choose not to really think about that even if we’ve told them things about our history (because that is the right thing to do). Like, with my husband, we had known each other for 4 years (was dating another guy back then) before we started dating so he already had an idea of me that was fully formed long before I had to tell him I was trans. I think some guys just have an easier time telling themselves that we were never any different than we are now even if we’ve told them about our history. I’m not saying that’s like the best way to deal with it, but I feel like it’s what happens more often than not with guys I’ve dated.

[–]Omina_SentenziosaSarcastic Ovalord 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

How do you deal with that on a personal level, though? Like, don' t you think being with someone who accepts all of you would be better?

[–]peakingatthemomentTranssexual (natal male), HSTS[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I married to a wonderful, loving man and I’m very thankful for that. I feel like, in my life, I have to be comfortable with some contradictions. It sort of works because, I’m not super happy with being born male either, so it’s not like I’d really love talking about my life as a child. Those just weren’t happy times for me. Obviously, we have talked about it because it was really important to me that I told him everything because I didn’t want to feel like I was hiding anything. I even told him what the name my parents gave me as a child was. He didn’t really like those conversations though and it’s not really my most comfortable subject either.

I don’t know if a man who would accept all of that without wanting to avoid parts of it existed. Gay guys would have wanted to be with someone who looked like a guy and had a penis. Guys who were into transwomen also would have wanted someone with a penis (plus, many of those guys are AGP and pornsick, so no ty). Straight guys were always the ones interested in dating me and, if they stayed, they ignored the trans stuff. Maybe a bi guy who liked exactly what I was and embraced my history existed, but I can’t imagine how I would have ever met that guy.

[–]Omina_SentenziosaSarcastic Ovalord 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Eh, I don' t know, I guess this comes down to personal preferences and dealbreakers. I prefer being alone, having a relationship for me is something that only happens when I meet someone really, really good, so something like this would definitely be a nope for me. Obviously different people have different needs and opinions.

I understand that dating would have been harder, but I don' t think it would have been that impossible. While I agree that the dating pool for trans people is small, I don' t think it' s nowhere near zero.

[–]peakingatthemomentTranssexual (natal male), HSTS[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yeah, we are all unique with different needs. I feel like it’s nice to not feel like you need a relationship necessarily. 🙂

[–]peakingatthemomentTranssexual (natal male), HSTS[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Maybe I would care about the issues we would have as a couple, and that would be something to ponder on when deciding whether or not to pursue a relationship.

And those are like a totally valid concerns too. In many ways, I feel like hardest part about having to tell a guy I was dating I was trans practically is that it meant that we could never have children (the regular way at least).

[–]Omina_SentenziosaSarcastic Ovalord 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Yeah, I mean, I think that whatever reason you have to turn down a relationship comes first. I can agree or disagree with one of those reasons, but in the end a person' s decision is more important than anything else.

What I meant is that I think I would focus on the practical issues more than the psychological ones if I were to choose whether to pursue a relationship with a woman or not. I could see myself turning down that relationship for not being strong enough to face the intolerance, for example, or, like you said, for not being able to have children with her (I am not a huge fan of sperm donation and I don' t think I would be able to go through adoption). But I don' t think I would turn it down because I would freak out about the switch from heterosexual to bisexual.

[–]peakingatthemomentTranssexual (natal male), HSTS[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I think that whatever reason you have to turn down a relationship comes first

100%

What I meant is that I think I would focus on the practical issues more than the psychological ones if I were to choose whether to pursue a relationship with a woman or not.

Okay, I feel like I understand. To me, your approach is the healthiest one because being straight or bi or gay should be totally neutral things..